Not so Good Friday!

My earliest recollection of the Easter season was when I was maybe 5 years old and there was this big deal been made about a certain Good Friday.
So there I have was,all two and half feet of me,eyes drawn up at the cutest angle you'll ever see,asking my mum what all the fuss was about this particularly good Friday.
  And she answered me,half her mind on my question and the other half on the lovely fish stew she was conjuring up "You know what dear?It's the day Jesus was killed!". I'm like....................oooookkkkkkk!
Was this Jesus a bad man?I asked innocently.
No.Infact,he was a rather good man.
 I'm sure you can understand my fear and trepidation of been called a good boy from then on!
Another Easter session has slowly but surely crept up on us again(especially for those of us too lazy and food-loving to observe the fast that precedes it) and with it all the possible human lessons to be learnt.
The most fascinating character in this story for me has to be the much villified Judas;a man who's name has become synonymous with betrayal and evil.
Blackberry dp's that bore pictures of half clad people and lewd jokes just yesterday have since changed to pictures of our Lord Jesus Christ at the moments of his travail and crucifixion,with accompanying pm's like "Judas,all these for a few coins!" and "Shame on you Judas!".
I find it interesting that prior to the last supper and the events thereafter,there was never a mention of Mr Iscariot.
 For all we know,Judas might have been a mild-mannered bloke who never bothered nobody,with a little house in a nice part of town and a well maintained donkey to carry him about.
  But he,like many of us have and will continue to,fell prey to the lure of filthy lucre !
Let us all remember,in our private and public lives,that whenever we drop our principles or lower set standards in exchange for money,we have all done just as bad as dear Mr J. Iscariot.
For the politician who embezzles public fund meant for hospitals,Judas is thy name.
For the judge who keeps striking out cases against well known corruptionistas,thieves and murderers in exchange for bribes,you are no better than the man who led Christian slaughter!
And for those of you/us who plan to spend all of tonight partying like Pontius Pilate was coming to town tomorrow to seize all the beer ,let us remember that the day is good in name only!
  P.S:This has to be the first Good Friday public holiday I have seen in Nigeria.
Way to go Uncle Jonah.At least if you can't do much good,you can give them a holiday,right?

Chained!..............hopefully.

A bus was bombed in Kano.
Sending people from the thrill of seeing long missed loved ones to the pearly gates in an instant!
Chinua Achebe died in  the United States same week.
Leaving behind a legacy that would be hard to equal let alone surpass by any writer of this generation or indeed the future.
But more importantly....................plant me,water me silly and watch me grow........but did Tuface Idibia just get married????!!!!
The 'Enter the place and see if you no go carry belle'(I've always preferred the full name of the song personally) crooner finally tied the knot with his lon g suffering and long waiting partner Annie Somebody-Whats her name.

The girl try sha!

After ten(10) known children outside wedlock(forgive me if I exaggerate a little,but 6 and 10,what's the difference really?)
Sorry?
Can you speak up a bit?
He doesn't have 6 children either?..............................I'm thinking if you're not gonna let me enjoy writing this post,you can run along and do something silly like campaign for Jonathan for 2015!
As I was saying,the not so Innocent Idibia finally bit the bullet and said the iconic I do.
And in faraway Dubai no less!
The creme de la creme of the society was there.
Maybe not the society but at least the Nigerian entertainment industry!
Musicians,actors,important and not so important politicians,religious religious leaders and not so religious religious leaders.
Even well known Lagos prostitutes a.k.a socialites were there in full force.If three-quarters of their clientele were gonna be in the Middle East for the weekend,it only made sense for them to hop a plane,right?
Glitz,glamour,extravagance and a touch of elegance here and now.
It was no less than Tuface deserved.
Annie by the way............................................I'm not really sure what she does.
I hear she was once a model or actress or singer or something.
I probably know as much about her as I know what goes through the head of a Nigerian policeman before shooting dead a commercial bus driver for not giving a 20naira bribe.
And they had some interesting wedding gifts!
Rumour has it that the governor of one of the oil-rich southern states was said to have decided,
after he had provided water,shelter,health care,security,good education and electricity to the people of his state and the people were satisfied to bursting point,to use the excess to purchase two brand new top of the range SUV's to the beautiful couple.
Now,if that isn't God's will,I don't know what is!
There's also the case of a mysterious Chevy Corvette that was supposedly given to the couple by the Senate leader,which he has since denied.
Mark my word(no pun intended),we shall get to the bottom of the story!
I really don't care about Tuface's philandering past or all his beautiful children.
All ten of them*straight face*!
All I know is that arguably the greatest African artiste of the last 15 years just got married and I congratulate him.
He and Annie-Somebody-whats her name!

You can take the bachelor out of a nigger but you cant take the nigger out of a nigger.

P.S:of course,the bombing and Achebe's death were more important.But this is Nigeria,we'll just keep pretending like these things did not happen,okay?

Of websites and presidential pardons!

First of all.............GO DOWN LOW!
 I've always wanted to do that.
But seriously,first of all,websites are a finicky bunch.
You just never know!
And also considering that this said website belongs to an arm of the nation's security apparatus,who are we to say that the website is really not www.nscdc (I really need to put a full stop after my sentence,so I'll just put it after the closing bracket if you don't mind).
Has anyone really tried the said addy and a fully functional,larger than life website of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corp did not pop right at you?
Have we become such doubters that when a respectable man in uniform tells you that "only his Oga at the top can categorically answer that",we still don't believe?
Come on!!!!!!Men and women in uniform are of a higher moral fiber than the rest of us.

Errrmmmmm....................most of them anyway!

For those who don't have an inkling of what I'm talking about,a few days ago,the Commandant of the Lagos Office of the Nigerian Civil Defence Corp, Mr Obafaiye Shem,was interviewed on a popular Lagos news channel and asked to provide the web address of the NSCDC for those interested in finding out more about the organization.
If only Mr Obafaiye could turn back the hands of time like R.Kelly unsuccessfully tried to,he would have done the honorable military thing,straightened his back,chin up,frown on face and bark to the camera that he did not have a clue.
But instead,he stammered and jonsed around for a good two(2) minutes like a teenage boy trying to find his way round a bra strap for the first time,before finally saying,to the consternation of the whole world,including my mother,who probably has never opened a website in her life but still knows that there ought to be a dot com somewhere,that the web address was www.nscdc (I'm really having a hard time with my full stops today because of poor Mr Obafaiye).
That's all!

My name?.......Only my Oga at the top can categorically tell you that.

To be fair to the brother,the website is indeed www.nscdc.gov.ng,for those saying the guy should have just said www.nscdc.com!
Also,considering that the poor fella most likely had 90% of his brain matter channeled into ways of possibly embezzling the monthly allocation of the agency,it might be a bit of a stretch for us to imagine that he could possibly ever remember such a cumbersome web address.
This comical gaffe should in fact throw up a more serious and disturbing public discourse.
If something as basic and simple as the web address of his own security unit is beyond the reach of a key commander of an important arm of  the country's defence force,how then can we expect them to locate supposed terrorists and kidnappers!
In other news,rumors have been trickling into the public domain about the supposed pardon granted to certain Nigerians and in particular to a certain ex-governor.
A man so notorious,he has been described as allegedly one of the greatest looters of the Nigerian treasury since Lord Lugard.
This same man once disguised as a woman to escape from the long arm of the law in the U.K-I still cant wrap my head round how he managed that.If I was the immigration officer at Heathrow,I would still arrest 'her' for been so damn ugly.

DSP, is that you?

Anyhoo,this great man of the Niger Delta is alive ,well and kicking.And he has in the last few months seem to be having more and more influence in the affairs of government and indeed governing.
In other climes,this gentleman would still be kicking his heels at the pleasure of the government at a tastefully furnished federal prison near you.
In fact,and I repeat in fact,if it were to be China..................I doubt if he'd still be kicking his heels,prison or not.
Any road,we had all forgotten about him,just like the rest of his thieving contemporaries.
And if this government had any bright pennies,they'd let it remain so.
That's all!