Not in Boston!

Growing up,I always wished for a brother closer to my age.
Someone I could go play soccer with,fight with and chase girls with as we grew older.
But with the random nature with which family members are allocated and apparently presidents are chosen for countries,I could have ended up with the short end of the straw like Nigeria has with its president and gotten one of the Tsarnaev brothers as a growing up buddy!
The only difference would obviously be that we'd probably still be having lunch at the closest KFC,sipping on an ice cold fruity slush while watching President Jo on NTA Network telling Nigerians to accept that 'terrorism is a global phenomenom and we should live with it"
Not in America though!
At exactly 1.49a.m Saturday morning,Nigeria time,with the help of Jack Bauer and his team at CTU (don't you go telling me they don't exist,),the siege was over.

Jack Bauer briefing President Obama.

One hostage dead,the other captured.
It was a prime example of ridiculously efficient police work.
Prompt response,precise intelligence and effective weaponry;I apologise on behalf of myself and all those who have ever doubted every episode of CSI we've  watched;even the rubbish CSI Miami.
By the way,are you one of those who have been kept awake in the last day or so wondering what lessons our dear Nigeria Police Force(less) can learn from the Boston episode?
I'll tell u six simple words.........Move along dear,.no lessons here.
I'm really not a Nigeria basher (I am to be honest) and I don't criticize things simply because they are Nigerian (I really don't) but our crime to resolution ratio must be something like 10000:1;in fact Omotola a.k.a Omosexy(time you changed that name sister,you're no spring chicken)has a better chance of passing off as a credible musician than our police has of solving a crime.

And we wonder why?????????

Don't get me wrong,if our police catch you red handed at the scene of a crime,they'll deal with you and fuck you up faster than you can say Amnesty!
But if you,my good readers or possible criminals-in-the-making,commits a crime in this great country of ours on Street A and luckily escape to your house on Street B less than two minutes walk from the crime scene,believe me,before man,God and President Jo's bowler hat,you're as free as a Tontoh Dike C.D!
Pardon me................ but someone just whispered in my ear that people actually pay money for her music!
Hard to believe but apparently true!
The Boston incident clearly demonstrates what a country can achieve with a strong and determined leadership.
When President Obama gave the speech in Boston the day before the Tsarnaevs were apprehended,pride welled in me as I saw a fellow black man rise up to the challenge.
His battle cry "Not in Boston" still rings in my ear as I recall another fellow black man telling me to "learn to live with terrorism because it is a global phenomenon".
Anyway,is it just me or the folks on CNN really need to get a life!
Bad news is obviously good news for business!
Such is life!

Countries of P.A.I.N!

Like every good and hardworking gossip knows,bad news travels faster than an Arik jet;would have loved to say Aero;but you know how they are these days,flight delays,cancellations,..........I love you guys at Aero but we don't really want bad news getting stranded now,do we?


AERO CONTRACTOR.........'We'll get there when we can!'

Anyhoo,I'm guessing it did not take Ted Turner,founder and previous CEO of CNN,too long to figure out that simple logic.
Growing up,the news always seemed to be centred around countries like Somalia,Ethiopia,the USSR and Czechoslovakia(little wonder the country split!Must have been a pain in the ass and then some,filling your nationality on a visa application).
 And this went on for a while!
But as development and peace came to these  countries,they got mentioned less.
These days,when the striking blonde bombshell of a newscaster starts the day's headlines with lines like "A bomb went off in a crowded market killing 48 people" or "Cholera spreads through a remote village taking with it  400 lives" or "Politician builds multi-billion currency church or mosque in his village",you can quietly take an educated or a not so educated guess(if you attended any of these private universities with  6 classrooms and a dining hall) as to which countries this might have happened.
I call them the countries of PAIN;Pakistan.Afghanistan,Iraq and Nigeria.
These countries seem to have taken the art of inflicting the greatest amount of suffering on their citizens to another level!
I can only  guess that they their leaders have an Annual General Meeting of sorts,where they meet,network and exchange ideas on what's new in "Suffering the masses".
I can imagine a certain bowler  hat wearing president in attendance,muttering to himself silently in a corner,wondering why he has not been elected chairman of this group.
"Has anyone of them done more to inflict pain on his own people?
 "Ehn?"
"Do they have more unemployed people roaming on unpaved streets as I do?"
"Can any of them boast of having more uneducated and undereducated youth,with university degrees worth less than a Kim Kardashian tweet?"
It baffles  me to no end how Nigeria got  mixed up with this unwholesome bunch!
How did Nigeria turn from a country aptly dubbed the Giant of Africa,with unbelievable human and mineral resources and boundless potential to playmates of such a vile group?;then again,how did Tiger Woods plummet from an adored spoting hero to the whore mongering delinquent that he is viewed as today?
Some things we'll never understand!
I just pray that in the next 50 years,we will have developed the magic formula to steady supply of electricity,so that our grandkids can eventually develop our economy.
That in 50 years,we will have evolved to understand that bombs don't advance causes.
 And that in 50years,most importantly,we will have eventually come to the conclusion that bowler hats went out of fashion at least a 100 years prior!

Sir Edward Whats-His-Name.Voted most dapper gentleman in1802.

P.S:"9 health workers shot during a vaccination drive in a remote village in............." You can put any country of the 4,you wouldn't be far from the correct one.

Not so Good Friday!

My earliest recollection of the Easter season was when I was maybe 5 years old and there was this big deal been made about a certain Good Friday.
So there I have was,all two and half feet of me,eyes drawn up at the cutest angle you'll ever see,asking my mum what all the fuss was about this particularly good Friday.
  And she answered me,half her mind on my question and the other half on the lovely fish stew she was conjuring up "You know what dear?It's the day Jesus was killed!". I'm like....................oooookkkkkkk!
Was this Jesus a bad man?I asked innocently.
No.Infact,he was a rather good man.
 I'm sure you can understand my fear and trepidation of been called a good boy from then on!
Another Easter session has slowly but surely crept up on us again(especially for those of us too lazy and food-loving to observe the fast that precedes it) and with it all the possible human lessons to be learnt.
The most fascinating character in this story for me has to be the much villified Judas;a man who's name has become synonymous with betrayal and evil.
Blackberry dp's that bore pictures of half clad people and lewd jokes just yesterday have since changed to pictures of our Lord Jesus Christ at the moments of his travail and crucifixion,with accompanying pm's like "Judas,all these for a few coins!" and "Shame on you Judas!".
I find it interesting that prior to the last supper and the events thereafter,there was never a mention of Mr Iscariot.
 For all we know,Judas might have been a mild-mannered bloke who never bothered nobody,with a little house in a nice part of town and a well maintained donkey to carry him about.
  But he,like many of us have and will continue to,fell prey to the lure of filthy lucre !
Let us all remember,in our private and public lives,that whenever we drop our principles or lower set standards in exchange for money,we have all done just as bad as dear Mr J. Iscariot.
For the politician who embezzles public fund meant for hospitals,Judas is thy name.
For the judge who keeps striking out cases against well known corruptionistas,thieves and murderers in exchange for bribes,you are no better than the man who led Christian slaughter!
And for those of you/us who plan to spend all of tonight partying like Pontius Pilate was coming to town tomorrow to seize all the beer ,let us remember that the day is good in name only!
  P.S:This has to be the first Good Friday public holiday I have seen in Nigeria.
Way to go Uncle Jonah.At least if you can't do much good,you can give them a holiday,right?

Chained!..............hopefully.

A bus was bombed in Kano.
Sending people from the thrill of seeing long missed loved ones to the pearly gates in an instant!
Chinua Achebe died in  the United States same week.
Leaving behind a legacy that would be hard to equal let alone surpass by any writer of this generation or indeed the future.
But more importantly....................plant me,water me silly and watch me grow........but did Tuface Idibia just get married????!!!!
The 'Enter the place and see if you no go carry belle'(I've always preferred the full name of the song personally) crooner finally tied the knot with his lon g suffering and long waiting partner Annie Somebody-Whats her name.

The girl try sha!

After ten(10) known children outside wedlock(forgive me if I exaggerate a little,but 6 and 10,what's the difference really?)
Sorry?
Can you speak up a bit?
He doesn't have 6 children either?..............................I'm thinking if you're not gonna let me enjoy writing this post,you can run along and do something silly like campaign for Jonathan for 2015!
As I was saying,the not so Innocent Idibia finally bit the bullet and said the iconic I do.
And in faraway Dubai no less!
The creme de la creme of the society was there.
Maybe not the society but at least the Nigerian entertainment industry!
Musicians,actors,important and not so important politicians,religious religious leaders and not so religious religious leaders.
Even well known Lagos prostitutes a.k.a socialites were there in full force.If three-quarters of their clientele were gonna be in the Middle East for the weekend,it only made sense for them to hop a plane,right?
Glitz,glamour,extravagance and a touch of elegance here and now.
It was no less than Tuface deserved.
Annie by the way............................................I'm not really sure what she does.
I hear she was once a model or actress or singer or something.
I probably know as much about her as I know what goes through the head of a Nigerian policeman before shooting dead a commercial bus driver for not giving a 20naira bribe.
And they had some interesting wedding gifts!
Rumour has it that the governor of one of the oil-rich southern states was said to have decided,
after he had provided water,shelter,health care,security,good education and electricity to the people of his state and the people were satisfied to bursting point,to use the excess to purchase two brand new top of the range SUV's to the beautiful couple.
Now,if that isn't God's will,I don't know what is!
There's also the case of a mysterious Chevy Corvette that was supposedly given to the couple by the Senate leader,which he has since denied.
Mark my word(no pun intended),we shall get to the bottom of the story!
I really don't care about Tuface's philandering past or all his beautiful children.
All ten of them*straight face*!
All I know is that arguably the greatest African artiste of the last 15 years just got married and I congratulate him.
He and Annie-Somebody-whats her name!

You can take the bachelor out of a nigger but you cant take the nigger out of a nigger.

P.S:of course,the bombing and Achebe's death were more important.But this is Nigeria,we'll just keep pretending like these things did not happen,okay?

Of websites and presidential pardons!

First of all.............GO DOWN LOW!
 I've always wanted to do that.
But seriously,first of all,websites are a finicky bunch.
You just never know!
And also considering that this said website belongs to an arm of the nation's security apparatus,who are we to say that the website is really not www.nscdc (I really need to put a full stop after my sentence,so I'll just put it after the closing bracket if you don't mind).
Has anyone really tried the said addy and a fully functional,larger than life website of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corp did not pop right at you?
Have we become such doubters that when a respectable man in uniform tells you that "only his Oga at the top can categorically answer that",we still don't believe?
Come on!!!!!!Men and women in uniform are of a higher moral fiber than the rest of us.

Errrmmmmm....................most of them anyway!

For those who don't have an inkling of what I'm talking about,a few days ago,the Commandant of the Lagos Office of the Nigerian Civil Defence Corp, Mr Obafaiye Shem,was interviewed on a popular Lagos news channel and asked to provide the web address of the NSCDC for those interested in finding out more about the organization.
If only Mr Obafaiye could turn back the hands of time like R.Kelly unsuccessfully tried to,he would have done the honorable military thing,straightened his back,chin up,frown on face and bark to the camera that he did not have a clue.
But instead,he stammered and jonsed around for a good two(2) minutes like a teenage boy trying to find his way round a bra strap for the first time,before finally saying,to the consternation of the whole world,including my mother,who probably has never opened a website in her life but still knows that there ought to be a dot com somewhere,that the web address was www.nscdc (I'm really having a hard time with my full stops today because of poor Mr Obafaiye).
That's all!

My name?.......Only my Oga at the top can categorically tell you that.

To be fair to the brother,the website is indeed www.nscdc.gov.ng,for those saying the guy should have just said www.nscdc.com!
Also,considering that the poor fella most likely had 90% of his brain matter channeled into ways of possibly embezzling the monthly allocation of the agency,it might be a bit of a stretch for us to imagine that he could possibly ever remember such a cumbersome web address.
This comical gaffe should in fact throw up a more serious and disturbing public discourse.
If something as basic and simple as the web address of his own security unit is beyond the reach of a key commander of an important arm of  the country's defence force,how then can we expect them to locate supposed terrorists and kidnappers!
In other news,rumors have been trickling into the public domain about the supposed pardon granted to certain Nigerians and in particular to a certain ex-governor.
A man so notorious,he has been described as allegedly one of the greatest looters of the Nigerian treasury since Lord Lugard.
This same man once disguised as a woman to escape from the long arm of the law in the U.K-I still cant wrap my head round how he managed that.If I was the immigration officer at Heathrow,I would still arrest 'her' for been so damn ugly.

DSP, is that you?

Anyhoo,this great man of the Niger Delta is alive ,well and kicking.And he has in the last few months seem to be having more and more influence in the affairs of government and indeed governing.
In other climes,this gentleman would still be kicking his heels at the pleasure of the government at a tastefully furnished federal prison near you.
In fact,and I repeat in fact,if it were to be China..................I doubt if he'd still be kicking his heels,prison or not.
Any road,we had all forgotten about him,just like the rest of his thieving contemporaries.
And if this government had any bright pennies,they'd let it remain so.
That's all!

The Kardashian sighting,the Patience resurrection and the city on water!

It's been an eventful last 10-12 days in Nigeria. So much happening. And the subhuman heat attempting to deep fry our brains in its pot skull hasn't really helped either.
 First was the sighting of an Unidentified Flitting Object somewhere in Lagos.
 Some claim that the reality star Kim Kardashian was in Lagos this past weekend,while my friend Ade,who was actually at the event, swears by all things dear to him  that he can't be too sure.
Ade,who by the way is an unashamedly die-hard fan of Miss Kardashian,had saved up the little left from his salary after  spending a large chunk of it on fueling his generator,to have a close up view of his hero or heroine or whatever!
You should have seen Ade on the day!
All decked out in his cheap ass tuxedo,cologne choking the air like a Rihanna blunt.Looking for all the world like a poor man's Diddy.
Off course,just before the show began,the excitement became unbearable for my man,nature called and he just had to go to the loo.
It was the fastest piss ever taken by man.
Fact!
Half of it was actually done on his trouser,all in the hope of not missing a single minute of the action.

It's a bird...its a plane....or shit,its just Kim Kardashian!

If only the poor sod had known that Kim had no plan to spend a whole minute on stage.
Aahhhhh!
The folly of it all!
Anyways,that has got to go down as the easiest $500,000 ever made.........well.........aside from certain Police Pension Fund bosses.
Somebody test that girl for some Igbo genes!
As for Darey,who am I to criticise a man for spending his money in whatever way he sees fit.
In fact I did a similar thing just the other day.
Flushed down a ten(10) naira note just to see if it would.
That's the thing about we big boys,we just loves to do big thingz.(and at times really stupid,daft,unexplainable and downright foolish things#Darey).
Just as the buzz was settling,news filtered in that our Dear First Lady had just hosted a  lavish thanksgiving service at the State House.
Word had it that she narrowly escaped from the clutches of death at a foreign hospital.
In fact,the actual word being bandied around was a Resurrection!
Did I just hear someone gasp in shock and sheer trepidation for her well being?
Nah......that was just gas settling in my tummy!
The never invited but always present Sahara Reporters claim that about 500 million naira was spent on the Resurrection shebang(thats just a fancy word for a situation or matter.Ain't nobody bang no body)
I doubt if Lazarus' resurrection party nearly cost as much!

Can I just stay in Jesus?I hear post-resurrection parties cost a few these days!

Of course the usual crowd was present;politicians,businessmen,professional ass lickers and psychophants.Anybody who is anybody in this political 'grab yours I grab mine' we call democracy,was there to duly pledge loyalty.
We on the flipoutcorner are glad and relieved that our Dear First Lady is in good and joyous health.
Who are we to begrudge her a little thanksgiving.
As they say,Nigeria's money belongs to all of us!
Finally,the Eko Atlantic City was launched about 5days ago or so.
Dubbed as the next great African City.
The Atlantic Dubai.

I have never really understood these models!Do I get to sue if the trees are not the exact same number in the model#Just asking.

A true testament to what Africans can achieve if we really want to.
But it can also end up as a stark reminder to the great divide between the rich and the poor in Lagos.
As the Lagos government focuses on the completion of this great project,I will ask for them to spare a thought for those of us who still grapple with bad roads,no electricty,poor transportation services,poor hospital and crime in the present Eko Slum City!

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