I voted for Jonathan!

Yep!I did!And I'm sure that most of you reading this right now and acting all "What a dumb President" 'What an ineffective leader" 'What a this" 'What a that",did too.So,you can all rent a ladder and get off your high horses right now!
The difference between us,apart from the fact that I'm like a million times better looking than you are,is the fact that I knew what I was getting myself into.Did I vote Brother Jo because I wanted to experience uninterrupted power supply in my life time?No!Did I vote him because I thought he could  revive the economy?Lwkmd!So why did I vote for GoodLuck?I guess I just did not like Buhari's religious posturing much!
Going into the April elections,it was obvious our president lacked ideas,vigour,profound intellect and he had the charisma of a table lamp.
I bet you're shaking your heads and wondering what a leader needs charisma for?Well,I'll tell you!Charisma is what diverts attention from an incompetent president.Barrack Obama ain't doing shit,but he has a smile as bright as the explosion from the United Nations building in Abuja.
It's truly difficult to criticize anyone put in charge of presiding over a country as big,corrupt and full of aggressive people as Nigerians.Yep,I'm talking to you.Everything has to be a fight;from buying fuel to taking a bus to using the ATM;everything has to be a damn fight!But a little initiative and show of strength wont hurt nobody Mr Jonathan.

So the year ends as it started,with my generator running full throttle.Poverty,hunger and disease swagger round the country like Terry G on steroids and bombs explode round the north as frequently as PHCN cuts power.
Did we know GEJ was going to be this bad?Maybe not.Did we suspect that his wife's English was?Hell yeah!
P.S:Enjoy whats left of the year and hope for the best in the new year.

We are happy people,not gay people!

The Nigerian Senate during the week passed a bill essentially outlawing all forms of gay relations.So,its now a crime punishable by a jail term to be seen talking to someone of the same sex in 21st century Nigeria.
One would imagine that at a time when insecurity is more a less a close friend on our family and friends,when food prices are shooting through the roof,when the standard of education is lower than a pair of 'low waist'jeans,homosexuality matters would be the last thing on the minds of our distinguished senators.
I can just imagine the Senate President waking up last week and thinking to himself "You know what?Why don't we push the small matter of fuel subsidy to the back burner and instead discuss why on earth a man would want to stick a fellow man?Abi?"
Heaven knows I don't understand the same sex attraction either but there are a million other things i don't understand either.like,why would anyone refer to Charly Boy as a musician?!I mean,the dude has not released a record in almost 30years.But i doubt if I'll get to wake up one morning and sentence him to 10 years in prison.
Homosexuality,like being a corrupt politician,essentially borders on one's human rights.
We are who we are!
Abi?Senator Mark!

Suwe time is the best!

There I was,on the queue,eagerly waiting for my turn past d scanning machine.Hoping,willing,wishing,in fact,fervently praying that the thick lumps of Fufu I ate earlier in d day would tip off the machines and I would be whisked away by the NDLEA,only to re-emerge a month later with 25 million naira of the federal government's money!
Why are we men,if but to hope?
Oh!What I would give to be a fly in the NDLEA office this morning?!Perched in a corner,watching the confused faces of their officers and the Boss Man frantically looking for a scape goat to save his own neck.
An Indian saying goes,"Baba Suwe swallow money,Baba Suwe shit no funny".
Dumb Indians!
You and I plus all the untarred roads and overflowing gutters in Lagos know that Suwe had extra passengers in his gut.What we don't know and might never know is the miracle behind his escape.
Common sense tells me he was indeed the victim of an unlawful detention.
My Nigerian sense(which i have come to cherish and respect)tells me so many other things.
So,there I was,successfully past the scanner,looking back ruefully and promising myself to drink a cup of milk and a jar of mist mag to increase the whiteness of my stomach contents next time.
One can never tell when Lady Luck would decide to shine her 32.
As the advert of the National Sports Lottery once famously said "Next time,e fit be you oh!"
P.S:this article bears no resemblance to real characters or events.Any assumed interpretations are not the author's views.

Banky capable!

When last I wrote,Goodluck was president and his wife's english was decadent.Apparently,nothing much as changed.Except for 'Honorable' Dimeji'check out my white native'Bankole's change of home address.According to his publicist,the serene environment,not to mention the clear cell phone reception of the Abuja prisons is a must have for every retiring Nigerian politician.
As is our custom on this blog never to comment on issues under adjudication(yeah right),we shall henceforth direct our attention at a certain Mr Dimeta Banky,former Talker of the House of Reps,who was arrested,released and arrested again for thiefing money.
It all goes to show that behind the acquired accents and harvard degree lies a thieving little Nigerian like you and people you know!
Just like the abysmally poor footballers this generation has bestowed on Nigeria,jailed Nigerian politicians are on the verge of raising their own national teamm
A friendly match might just be on the cards!

Thieves amongst we once again

Only mad men (and women) spend endless hours in the sun,waiting patiently(sometimes impatiently,infact,sometimes with knives and guns) to be given a chance to further ruin their collective future.
Once again,come Sat 2nd April,Nigerians and non -Nigerians alike(i fit swear say those aboki wey dey ride okada for Lagos no be Naija) head to the polls,eagerly waiting,licking their lips in anticipation for another four years of candle buying,receiving injections at chemists cos our hospitals are dead,crowding up viewing centres to watch premiership matches on a monday night when you should be bone tired from work;ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF "NOTHING DEY HAPPEN,WE JUST DEY CHILL"!
When a dirt poor man goes into politics and in 4 years becomes a multi-multi-multiple millionaire and those who voted have lived the type of poverty that makes you envious of church rats.When politicians scream free health care an patients are only given paracetamol for every ailment from HIV to staph(when worm dey waka for your body.....lol)
We've seen the adverts,we've watched the campaigns.We've enjoyed the name calling and the mudslinging.We've laughed at the no-hoppers;Sarah Jubril,Dele Momodu;We've sympathised with those that have already lost;Nuhu Ribadu;We've cast glances at possibles;Buhari,Shekarau.We've congratulated the winner;Mr Goodlu........................
Or have we?
For those that have sold their voters card for Mtn recharge cards,I say,kudos to you,at least you have gained from this democrazy.......
For those who still retain faith in the Nigerian dream,I say,WAKE UP!Na naija you dey,never sleep with both eyes closed.
P.S:Vote for those who have truly pricked your imagination,those who have forged ideas that align with the Nigeria of your dreams.Being a southerner or northerner is never truly enough!

Know your candidates.From the ridiculous to the manageableII

MANAGABLE 1

Even a mongrel would bark like a lion in the presence of the hunter;an apt description of Mallam Ribadu.Born November 21,1960 in Adamawa State,a graduate of the Ahmadu Bello University.

Mallam Nuhu was the head of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission between 2003-2007,a body praised worldwide for fighting corruption widely in Nigeria,albeit against his master’s( the notorious Yoruba general from Ogun state) adversaries.

Award after award has rightly adorned the shelf of this courageous lawyer/ police man/puppet.

There is absolutely nothing wrong in fighting a war with the confidence of a greater power backing you,infact,there still lies no wrong in doing a stronger man’s bidding but the longest pages in history books have always been reserved for men who stood and fought their own wars when it arose.

Oga Ribasky will forever be remembered in the hearts of millions of young Nigerians as "THAT MAN WHO RAN AWAY”.His apologist call it exile;Nelson Mandela went into exile,Nuhu ran away!

In an ideal environment,Mallam Ribadu would get my vote but in a complex den like Naija,I’ll be damned if I wake up one morning to hear that my C-IN-C don kawa in the midst of conflict.

P.S:worse candidates abound!