The world in New York!

The UN general assembly is here again.,
And no,Lateef,UN does not stand for Unlimited Nightcalls,it's the United Nations.

The hall of kings.

That gathering of world leaders;from the greatest to the smallest,from pacifist nations to downright terrorist regimes;everyone is given a stage to air his/her views and opinions,no matter how dumb or downright scary.

Was surely missed this year!

President GEJ was there of course.
A raging fuel scarcity and the near total submersion of Kogi,Benue and Niger states by the maurauding River Benue was frankly not important enough to keep him home(By the way,shout out to my peeps in those states who are not only fighting the flood water but the infestation of their villages by crocodiles also displaced.)

Moses would have been nice about this time!

Anyways,GEJ,complete with his bowler hat and half the political class in Nigeria,addressed the General Assembly on the second day of affairs.
It was a speech as uninspiring as it was unlistened to.
Never have I seen so many empty seats at a public gathering since I last attended an Iyanya concert.Well........that was before Kukere and everybody's now acting like he's the second coming of Michael Jackson!
It was obvious the world had no interest in what GEJ had to say and in extension,what Nigeria had to say.
Frankly I'm surprised they even let us in,considering we tried to bomb the skin off their bodies about a year ago.

Yeah,that was us!

Thirteen years ago,when President OBJ gave his first address to the UN,as president of a newly democratic Nigeria,the hall was packed full.
Not because they thought more of OBJ as a person;honestly,they did actually;but because the world was expectant,waiting to hear from this giant black nation about to fufil all it's great potential.
But as President GEJ addressed a near empty hall,it was obvious the world had written us off.
It's like buying a Dbanj CD,you know you're going to get a lot of incoherent grunting,yelps and sex references,it sounds good occasionally but you know you've heard it all before.
Take heart my dear Presido,they dont really hate you.They just dont care for you and for us much.
The highlights for me so far as to be the speech given by the Egyptian prsident(President something-somebody Morsi).I sure as hell wouldnt want to jam that brother in a dark corner.
You could see the passion dripping from his words and firing from his eyes.
Another was the speech given by Julian Assange,founder of WikiLeaks.Wanted in Sweden on allegations of sexual assault and rape.
I'm not one to comment on alleged matters but that blond hair and long nose................show me a baby goat and I'll show you a perv when I see one.
Anyhoo,the assembly is almost over,if by any chance you're of the nerdy persuasion like myself,make out sometime to watch bits and pieces of it.
And if you're not,still try to spare a few seconds from staring at Kim Kardashians boobs and see what's really going on in the world.

I know it's gonna be hard but try!

Money,the root of all evil!(Dance,anyone?)

When the famous Urhobo philosopher Aristiotle Ejiroghene Umokoro first uttered those now famous words,all those many years ago,little did he know how true it was.And he sure as hell did not figure the reality show,Maltina Dance Hall or All or whatever!
This show clearly proves that money is the root,stem and effing flower of all evil known to man.Or how do you explain the sheer absurdities being allowed to play on!
6 million naira is indeed a tidy sum.In any damn currency mind you;that's 22900.763pounds or $36585.366 ;that's my Nigerian calculator brain working,its just something we do on reflex.
But slap me and hang me by the gonads,I'd be damned if I let my old man make an eternal fool of himself on prime time TV.
For those who don't know,the Maltina DanceAll or Hall,is a reality dance show based on the entire family.The show is in its sixth and hopefully last season and this season'sparticipants have been up there with the very worst of them.
Fathers doing the break dance,mothers doing the swerve!
I initially found it amusing,the entertainment value cannot be denied.

Yeah Dad!Do the rowing boat style!

As I found myself laughing uncontrollably at attempt after attempt by breadwinners and supposed guardians and protectors of their homestead try their utmost best to out fool each other.
Advocates of the show tell me it helps with family bonding.
Enlisting the family,head on,into achieving a common goal is said to help in solidifying the bond in a family unit.
Now that's bonkers if I've ever heard it!
A family getaway to the magical and exotic island of the Seychelles or a quiet evening stroll as a family down the Champ De Mars gazing upon the Eiffel Tower in Paris would achieve the same damn effect.
My final word is,parents don't do the Azonto with their decadent 19 year old son because they are in the least bit interested in finding out whats going on in his weed infested brain,not in Nigeria anyways.
My simple advice?
Make sure you win!
Or you get a pair of the darkest shades you can lay your hands on.
Because it's going to be pretty difficult looking those kids in the eyes after watching you cork your head back,raise one leg up and act like a bloody Calabar Drill monkey in the name of doing the Alanta!

The powerless Minister of power!

So,I wake up first thing in the morning,stretch my old bones,stagger half asleep to the light switch,and automatically expect the light bulb to illuminate the room.
And it does!
Its been that way for about 2 months now and it's frankly starting to freak me out.
And no I'm not in Togo(using the U.K and U.S would be too far fetched,I'm sure when they put on the light switch in those countries,they get power plus a pack of pizza).
I'm in Lagos!
And no,not Lagos,Portugal.
Lagos,Nigeria.
That beautiful exotic city by the beach.
And no,not Kuramo beach.
That now washed away haven of iniquity,that was always full and bustling at night but everyone now conveniently swears they were never there.
We finally seem to be going through our own 'Let there be light' moment,millions of years after the creator uttered those famous words.
Do I now go out of character and praise our good and gentle president?I honestly don't know?It's just so easy criticizing him and not to mention so much fun,its almost sad!

I know right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!It can't always be your fault!

Reciting all the failed sectors under his watch would frankly be a waste of ten seconds of your life you would never get back.
But,just when all hope was lost and Nigerians had come together and agreed in fairness to just write off 2011-2015  from our history(yeah we did,you just weren't invited#inconsequential),this major miracle happened.
I hear its been due to President Goodluck Jonathan finally putting the proverbial round peg in a hole that fits it perfectly.

Now,that's one round peg!

Prof Barth Nnaji,the previous minister of power,may his soul rest in.........oh shit,I forgot,he didn't die!
Just resigned.
Nobody resigns in office dude!
You either die there or go to prison from there.
Prof Nnaji,a proven technocrat with wide and varied experience in the power sector was as round as the peg could possibly be.
And boy did he deliver!
But like everything Nigerian,the bad eggs just couldn't keep their rotten smell to themselves.They had to just come funk up everyone else's space.
His apparent downfall came from his insistence on the privatisation of the power sector.
A lofty goal indeed but for thousands of existing PHCN staff,that would surely mean a window shopping trip to the labour market(now,that's one market where you dont buy nada!).
I'm sure no right thinking private investor would touch that bunch with a Nepa pole;no pun intended.
The only folks more corrupt and inefficient than the good people at PHCN are the Nigerian Police,the Nigerian Customs,The Nigerian Immigration service,The Nigerian...........Well........Nigeria sha!
Inefficiency and a culture of bribes has run deeper into the system than a pair of Usain Bolt's running tracks .
And a total shakeup was urgently needed.
The actual meat around the bone of the matter is still shrouded in secrecy but rumour has it that the former number one man in the power sector allegedly had a stake in some of the private companies biding for a controlling share in PHCN.
If that is in anyway true,then my dear Mr Nnaji,you got it all wrong.
These things are done through proxies,mehn!!!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately for him,the generator importing and diesel selling cabal,the group most likely to lose the most with improved electricity,smelt blood and quickly went in for the kill and the rest as they say,is history.

I have it on good authority that this gentleman is the head of the now popular Nigerian cabal.

Its being about a week since you resigned Dear Prof and my light bulb still comes on,but that not withstanding,you shall be greatly missed.
Prof Barth Nnaji,rest in...............oh shit,I did it again!