Presidential Candidate Ebele Jonathan; when luck is not enough. An Agbo- Jedi narrative!

It was one of those hot sunny afternoons, scalp damp and shirt sticky.
Stuck at a bus-stop and you get the impression that half of Lagos was waiting for the same bus as you.

A thought flickers through your mind, maybe, just maybe, Pastor's ''There's someone here, someone who gives bountiful offerings mind you, who would wake up in a new Bugatti this year'' wasn't directed at you after all.

After mentally calculating all the Building Offering, Workers Offering, Transport Offering, Offering Offerings and pledges in the last two years, you banish the thought from your mind quicker than it took D'Banjs' landlord to allegedly kick him out and focus back on the hundreds of pushing and shoving would be commuters around you.

We all, majority young and tired, jaded looks on our faces but still trying to look all cool and calm.
Swinging imaginary car keys in our fingers to let the next guy in the same faded suit know that ' I have a car oh, I just ain't driving today!'

Our China 'Ray-Bun's', doing two things at the same time like every good China man is taught to; shielding our eyes from the sun and at the same time disguising the aggressive to and fro dart of our eyes as we scan the entire Lagos metropolis for the next bus while rooted to the same spot!

And then it arrives, our Knight in not so shiny yellow and black armour!

Yaaaagaaaaaaa!

''Ojuelegba!''
''Ojuelegba!!''
''Ojuelegba, I no get change, ma wole!''
''Lapping, ma wole!''
''Big yansh, ma wole!''
''Aboki wey carry bag or small girl Aboki, no enter oh!''
''Ojuelegba!'' screamed a big, dark and brawny bus conductor at the top of his voice like a young balding Mariah Carey!

The ensuing struggle was epic!
Though I wasn't there, Martin Luther's liberation struggle probably had nothing on this.
Maybe we should ask @omojuwa, he just might have been there during the Selma march! The boy looks like he has been looking for trouble since the epic Cain and Abel fight!

So yeah, there I was, born and bred in Lagos and just the right opportunity to show it.
Even in these strange times of 'stealing is not corruption', I knew I could still find my way through a ruckus.

So, with  a holy cry of war, right leg outstretched to kick anyone and anything out of my way, I finally found my self on the bus. Tired and sweaty, Gala and LaCasera in hand, I collapsed on my seat!

By the way, please do not ask me when I bought the snacks; if you can't buy Gala while rushing for a bus and at the same time collect your complete 950 change, you're probably the weird one!

Anyway, I barely had time to gather my thoughts and breath when a man stood up at the front.

He was a fine looking gentle man I must add.
All decked out in a brown jacket that must have been all the rage during Awolowo's burial.
He had the worried look of a man who just found out his neighbour's son and 4 friends were visiting from Gwoza!

''Exceede exceede magnum!'' He began.
''Exceede exceede magnum!!''
''Exceede exceede magnum na Latin for 'e big, e big, e big well well!'' He chanted.

''Exceede exceede magnum! This one no be ordinary Agbo-Jedi''
''This one na the Baba of all Agbo-jedi''

'' For those of una wey dey enter this bus everyday, Oga blue shirt for back I greet you this morning, una know wetin I dey talk'' he continued.

''This one na the agbo-jedi wey if ya wife see you dey come from this road, she go run comot pass another road because she know say FIRE don come!''

''If you be man wey don marry for like 6 years and you never satisfy ya wife one day, and you still dey beg am make she no leave you, make she give you more time; Exceede excede magnum na for you oh!''

''If you be man wey instead of make you do ya husband duty, you dey blame ya enemies, this agbo- jedi na for you oh!'' he crooned on.

''My brother, if all these young boys for ya compound don dey take ya territory for house, dem nor dey tell person two times, Execcede Exceede wetin I talk????'' He asked.

''MAGNUM!!!!!'' roared the entire bus in reply.

A smile came over his face and you could almost see him mentally calculating his loot from this seemingly gullible audience.

He continued  ''Even, my brother, even if ya wife get plenty patience, plenty plenty patience, one day she go tire and ya luck go run out''

'Yes ke, Oga  alagbo'' hissed out an obese market woman in the middle of the bus.
''That kain man na failure o jare!'' She purred on in the thickest Yoruba accent since 9ice and Toni Payne's baby.


''Madam, mba, mba! I disagree!'' yelled the light skinned guy next to me.
''What if the man dey try im best but the woman don spoil tey tey before dem even meet. Even if you like, climb tree, come somersault enter, you no go fit satisfy am! Ehn!'' he opined with much passion, we all knew without been told that we were witnesses to a true story of pain!

''Abeg hep me see dis oyibo! Oga, nothing like doing your best-i oh! She replied.
''Even if trailer don pass there before, If you be man for house, you must do man work!''
''If you know say you no get power, you for reject the wife when dem give you!''

''Awon oloriburuku. and na their type go dey surround themselves with useless friends, dey go party, dey dance up and down and forget their wife for house!'' she cussed out.

So, I'm here with the girls dem that like to party and move some body........

At this point, the merchant of potency knew he was losing his customers attention.

''My people, my people. E nor reach to quarrel'' he intervened.
''If you be man and you get this problem, in less than 6 weeks your wife go forget all the suffer she don suffer. Infact....''

''Owo leyin. Money for back!'' the bus conductor interrupted with a bellow.

''One bottle na just 750'' he continued.

''Abeg give me one bottle'' my light skinned neighbour said with a sheepish glance round the bus.
''I wan buy am give my friend Joe.''

''Na so bros! Tell ya 'friend' say na only one teaspoon he go use oh'' the alagbo said.


''I say, owo leyin. Make una give me money for back na'' the red eyed conductor shouted.

''Conductor, I dey come. Oya, take. For three feefu for back'' a dark skinned gentleman said.


''Ye!Mogbe!'' the conductor yelled.

''When Aboki enter my bus?... You nor hear say Aboki ma wole?.... Why your dress swell like that?...... Aboki wetin dey your bag?....... I say wetin you carry?.........''


P.S: the Flipout Corner is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

The curious case of Goodluck Jonathan!

I've never been a shoe man!
I've always seen them as nothing more than an entrapment for our feet with which we step on the soil.
I honestly doubt if I've ever owned two decent pairs at the same time at any point in my life.
Infact, if I had my way, apart from buying Dencia an umbrella to protect her skin from the sun, I'd  probably be waltzing through the streets of Lagos care free and shoeless like a half crazed, beach seeking Cele priest!
It's no surprise we have laws to keep us from having our way most of the time.

Anyway, little wonder I got drawn to President Jonathan  during his first campaign for office.
The thought of a little shoeless Joe, all shiny black skinned, with his little weeny bowler hat safely harnessed on his head like a flying saucer made from cotton, wool, linen or whatever in God's name those horrid hats are made from, fishing rod in one hand and the latest edition of Ikebe Super in the other was a draw too strong for me and I believe many other Nigerians.
By the way, there's a 25-40 year old man somewhere in Nigeria as we speak sweating bucket loads as he tries his utmost best to lie as he is been quizzed by his 5year old son about Ikebe Super!

Ikebe Who??????????????? Ikebe What??????????????

God be watching you  live and in HD on those new curved Samsung TV's my brother!

Anyhoo, we saw Oga Joe not only as one of us but indeed us.
The humble man from the backwaters who rose to be king.
Otuokpe could be Iyin in Ekiti State or Obiaruku in Delta for all we cared.
For a minute and half or so, we envisioned ourselves, not in our dreary, sweltering, mosquito infested apartments but about to step foot into the Presidential Villa.
The Villa, where we had heard great fables about Chewey, the imported Pakistani mountain goat in the Aso Zoo who usually had coffee alongside his breakfast on cold mornings.

Omo, see life!!!!!!!!

We told ourselves that because we had seen suffering up close and could recognise it in the dark, we would not get carried away by this new found tax payer funded opulence.
That just like Patoranking stuck to his Girlie 'who loved him when he had no dime', we would remember the people on the streets.
We thought that hard work and indeed goodluck had finally brought us or at least a man very much like us into power.
 It's been years of Oga Joe's rules and it seems, just like Portiphar did when he felt he could trust his wife alone at home with a hunky Joseph, we thought wrong!

The people on the street are as poor as they've ever been.
The people on the streets are as hungry as they've ever been.
And whoever told you a hungry man never bothered nobody probably never met Terry G in the early days!

The people are angry not only because they can't afford to feed but because of a growing disconnect between a man they trusted and the close to a 100 million stuck in the mire of 'Squalor Nigeria'.
The poor don't care about mathematical speeches on macro-econimics.
The poor sure as hell don't care  if our GDP is large enough to fit Banky W's head like a cap.

Adamu in Gwoza does not care about newly found oil fields in Bayelsa. He wonders why he has been left to his fate to possibly die a cruel death in the hands of bandits.

Chijioke in Orlu does not care if Hyundai has started coupling plastic cars somewhere in Lagos. It's not like he's ever gonna afford one in his life time anyway.
He wonders why his wife had to die at childbirth alongside many others in his town.

Sarah in her dingy little hair dressing salon powered by a Tiger generator that had definitely seen better days and was now coughing up its last spurts of black poisonous fumes, wonders where the humble man who had promised to make life, even if not for her but at least for her young daughter better, had disappeared to.

Her generator had been working way before Oga Joe's tenure and seemed destined to work long after.

This man was no Patoranking.

A well fed, self praising Timaya more like!

To say the GEJ administration has not attempted some good would be grossly unfair. The policies have just not benefited the poor majority who fought on his side during the heady days of succession or no succession.

Instead, we have a group of newly minted Nigerians, probably less than a thousand of them, feeding fat on our ever increasing GDP.

With an election year fast approaching, it would be wise to remember that this new breed of fancy suit wearing, G-Wagon driving Nigerians would probably spend election Saturday sleeping off a Friday night of drunken debauchery while Adamu, Sarah and Chijioke, despair on face and revenge in mind, populate that voting queue.

P.s: She love me for very long time,
      Long time,
      She love me when me get no dime
           -Patoranking.

Follow the The Flipout Corner @doctorrotcod

The world in New York!

The UN general assembly is here again.,
And no,Lateef,UN does not stand for Unlimited Nightcalls,it's the United Nations.

The hall of kings.

That gathering of world leaders;from the greatest to the smallest,from pacifist nations to downright terrorist regimes;everyone is given a stage to air his/her views and opinions,no matter how dumb or downright scary.

Was surely missed this year!

President GEJ was there of course.
A raging fuel scarcity and the near total submersion of Kogi,Benue and Niger states by the maurauding River Benue was frankly not important enough to keep him home(By the way,shout out to my peeps in those states who are not only fighting the flood water but the infestation of their villages by crocodiles also displaced.)

Moses would have been nice about this time!

Anyways,GEJ,complete with his bowler hat and half the political class in Nigeria,addressed the General Assembly on the second day of affairs.
It was a speech as uninspiring as it was unlistened to.
Never have I seen so many empty seats at a public gathering since I last attended an Iyanya concert.Well........that was before Kukere and everybody's now acting like he's the second coming of Michael Jackson!
It was obvious the world had no interest in what GEJ had to say and in extension,what Nigeria had to say.
Frankly I'm surprised they even let us in,considering we tried to bomb the skin off their bodies about a year ago.

Yeah,that was us!

Thirteen years ago,when President OBJ gave his first address to the UN,as president of a newly democratic Nigeria,the hall was packed full.
Not because they thought more of OBJ as a person;honestly,they did actually;but because the world was expectant,waiting to hear from this giant black nation about to fufil all it's great potential.
But as President GEJ addressed a near empty hall,it was obvious the world had written us off.
It's like buying a Dbanj CD,you know you're going to get a lot of incoherent grunting,yelps and sex references,it sounds good occasionally but you know you've heard it all before.
Take heart my dear Presido,they dont really hate you.They just dont care for you and for us much.
The highlights for me so far as to be the speech given by the Egyptian prsident(President something-somebody Morsi).I sure as hell wouldnt want to jam that brother in a dark corner.
You could see the passion dripping from his words and firing from his eyes.
Another was the speech given by Julian Assange,founder of WikiLeaks.Wanted in Sweden on allegations of sexual assault and rape.
I'm not one to comment on alleged matters but that blond hair and long nose................show me a baby goat and I'll show you a perv when I see one.
Anyhoo,the assembly is almost over,if by any chance you're of the nerdy persuasion like myself,make out sometime to watch bits and pieces of it.
And if you're not,still try to spare a few seconds from staring at Kim Kardashians boobs and see what's really going on in the world.

I know it's gonna be hard but try!