Biafra, it's radio and the parable of the man of the abandoned twins fame!

Gosh, I love the radio!
There's something about radio that I find hard to explain.
Maybe it's the anonymity that it allows or at least used to allow.
Hanging on to the words of an imaginary face day in and out, getting if not addicted but at least hooked to the voice; very similar to religion.
Or maybe it's the thrill of of having new and not so new music streaming into your space, bringing excitement into your otherwise dull existence.
It was always radio for me over television.
Coming from the less than heady days of the Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria(FRCN), where the presenters were as excitable and interested as members of the 'Lord's Chosen Church' at industry night at Quilox night club,

the sudden array of choice on radio from just the gravelly hissing of FRCN's broadcast was indeed God sent.

Turning the knob on the old sound system in the house, starting from RayPower and listening to two middle aged men who appeared to be cruising though a mini mid-life crisis, trying desperately to hang on to the last of their youth like K-cee the Limpopo crooner trying to hang on to his hairline.

We see you bro. We see you!

Ogas Keke and D1 Adeneye (my name is Dayo by the way and it was irritating as hell when everyone assumed that calling you D1 would make your summer and probably put food on your table too) for all their inadequacies, were pioneers and totally made RayPower the standout station of its time.

Then the Americana returnees/ The 'I've never been but I somehow have an American accent' came on board.

Cool FM , Rhythm 93.7 came and revolutionised the scene. They allowed the youth, irrespective of background and affluence have a real feel of urban pop culture.

You'd be hard pressed to find anyone in his/her mid 20's and up who was not addicted to Dan Foster and his goons on the 'Good Morning Nigeria' show.
It was fun and madness all the way with Dan Foster in his prime; before he started chasing Lagos girls and had an opinion on everything.

Dare Alade might seem like a failed/failing/ never gave it his all musician these days but in the good days of Cool Fm, he too was a legend!

Then we had the also-rans; Star Fm(do they still exist?), who gave it their all but just like in life, for every Tuface, there is a Black Face and for every Ramsey Nouah, there's a Hanks Anuku!

Your prayer as I attempt to waste five minutes of your life on this blog, is for yours to be a life of change.
Somebody loud the Amen!
Say it loud with your hands doing 'Shoki' and waving it about like you just don't care!

Errrrmmmmm... sorry I got carried away there. Just re-enacting what a friend of a friend's friend claimed he heard in church the other day.

Anyway, back to the meat of the matter.
Just about the same period when radio was reforming in Lagos, folks in Rwanda were also having  a taste of their own radio revolution.

In June 1993, the Radio Television Libres des Milles Collines(RTLMCS)  began broadcast in Rwanda.
It was rowdy and used street language.
The aim was to appeal to the unemployed, the delinquents and a large forming mass of a disgruntled population.
The station spewed hate and venom and quickly had a huge following.
The world laughed it off and said free speech should not be compromised.
The result, as they say, is history.
Rwanda went on to witness arguably the largest form of genocide in Africa.
Radio Televison Libres des Milles Collines had a big part to play in that.

The same appears to be happening in the East of Nigeria.
A skinny, bookish-looking and frankly unremarkable man, hiding away in the cozy brick houses of the United Kingdom is doing Same with Radio Biafra.

Free speech and a right of pursuit of equity should indeed never be contested but neither should inciting violence.

And he appears to be amassing a following.
Young ones on Twitter who have never had their Indomie and egg dinners and occasional success at 'Setting P' interrupted appear to be ignorantly following.

There's nothing heroic or glamorous about war.
Only death and destruction.
It's easy to make the noise and cry before the battle but where would you be if the Kalashnikovs start rattling?

Just ask Mr Emeke Uche (A 'Biafran' man if the 'Director' had his way), who after doing all the acrobatics and Kamasutra styles he must have learnt from hell knows, where he ran to after his wife gave birth to a 3rd set of twins.
A word, as they say, is enough for those who understand.
Wise or otherwise!
P.S: The Flipside of Life is still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Presidential Candidate Ebele Jonathan; when luck is not enough. An Agbo- Jedi narrative!

It was one of those hot sunny afternoons, scalp damp and shirt sticky.
Stuck at a bus-stop and you get the impression that half of Lagos was waiting for the same bus as you.

A thought flickers through your mind, maybe, just maybe, Pastor's ''There's someone here, someone who gives bountiful offerings mind you, who would wake up in a new Bugatti this year'' wasn't directed at you after all.

After mentally calculating all the Building Offering, Workers Offering, Transport Offering, Offering Offerings and pledges in the last two years, you banish the thought from your mind quicker than it took D'Banjs' landlord to allegedly kick him out and focus back on the hundreds of pushing and shoving would be commuters around you.

We all, majority young and tired, jaded looks on our faces but still trying to look all cool and calm.
Swinging imaginary car keys in our fingers to let the next guy in the same faded suit know that ' I have a car oh, I just ain't driving today!'

Our China 'Ray-Bun's', doing two things at the same time like every good China man is taught to; shielding our eyes from the sun and at the same time disguising the aggressive to and fro dart of our eyes as we scan the entire Lagos metropolis for the next bus while rooted to the same spot!

And then it arrives, our Knight in not so shiny yellow and black armour!

Yaaaagaaaaaaa!

''Ojuelegba!''
''Ojuelegba!!''
''Ojuelegba, I no get change, ma wole!''
''Lapping, ma wole!''
''Big yansh, ma wole!''
''Aboki wey carry bag or small girl Aboki, no enter oh!''
''Ojuelegba!'' screamed a big, dark and brawny bus conductor at the top of his voice like a young balding Mariah Carey!

The ensuing struggle was epic!
Though I wasn't there, Martin Luther's liberation struggle probably had nothing on this.
Maybe we should ask @omojuwa, he just might have been there during the Selma march! The boy looks like he has been looking for trouble since the epic Cain and Abel fight!

So yeah, there I was, born and bred in Lagos and just the right opportunity to show it.
Even in these strange times of 'stealing is not corruption', I knew I could still find my way through a ruckus.

So, with  a holy cry of war, right leg outstretched to kick anyone and anything out of my way, I finally found my self on the bus. Tired and sweaty, Gala and LaCasera in hand, I collapsed on my seat!

By the way, please do not ask me when I bought the snacks; if you can't buy Gala while rushing for a bus and at the same time collect your complete 950 change, you're probably the weird one!

Anyway, I barely had time to gather my thoughts and breath when a man stood up at the front.

He was a fine looking gentle man I must add.
All decked out in a brown jacket that must have been all the rage during Awolowo's burial.
He had the worried look of a man who just found out his neighbour's son and 4 friends were visiting from Gwoza!

''Exceede exceede magnum!'' He began.
''Exceede exceede magnum!!''
''Exceede exceede magnum na Latin for 'e big, e big, e big well well!'' He chanted.

''Exceede exceede magnum! This one no be ordinary Agbo-Jedi''
''This one na the Baba of all Agbo-jedi''

'' For those of una wey dey enter this bus everyday, Oga blue shirt for back I greet you this morning, una know wetin I dey talk'' he continued.

''This one na the agbo-jedi wey if ya wife see you dey come from this road, she go run comot pass another road because she know say FIRE don come!''

''If you be man wey don marry for like 6 years and you never satisfy ya wife one day, and you still dey beg am make she no leave you, make she give you more time; Exceede excede magnum na for you oh!''

''If you be man wey instead of make you do ya husband duty, you dey blame ya enemies, this agbo- jedi na for you oh!'' he crooned on.

''My brother, if all these young boys for ya compound don dey take ya territory for house, dem nor dey tell person two times, Execcede Exceede wetin I talk????'' He asked.

''MAGNUM!!!!!'' roared the entire bus in reply.

A smile came over his face and you could almost see him mentally calculating his loot from this seemingly gullible audience.

He continued  ''Even, my brother, even if ya wife get plenty patience, plenty plenty patience, one day she go tire and ya luck go run out''

'Yes ke, Oga  alagbo'' hissed out an obese market woman in the middle of the bus.
''That kain man na failure o jare!'' She purred on in the thickest Yoruba accent since 9ice and Toni Payne's baby.


''Madam, mba, mba! I disagree!'' yelled the light skinned guy next to me.
''What if the man dey try im best but the woman don spoil tey tey before dem even meet. Even if you like, climb tree, come somersault enter, you no go fit satisfy am! Ehn!'' he opined with much passion, we all knew without been told that we were witnesses to a true story of pain!

''Abeg hep me see dis oyibo! Oga, nothing like doing your best-i oh! She replied.
''Even if trailer don pass there before, If you be man for house, you must do man work!''
''If you know say you no get power, you for reject the wife when dem give you!''

''Awon oloriburuku. and na their type go dey surround themselves with useless friends, dey go party, dey dance up and down and forget their wife for house!'' she cussed out.

So, I'm here with the girls dem that like to party and move some body........

At this point, the merchant of potency knew he was losing his customers attention.

''My people, my people. E nor reach to quarrel'' he intervened.
''If you be man and you get this problem, in less than 6 weeks your wife go forget all the suffer she don suffer. Infact....''

''Owo leyin. Money for back!'' the bus conductor interrupted with a bellow.

''One bottle na just 750'' he continued.

''Abeg give me one bottle'' my light skinned neighbour said with a sheepish glance round the bus.
''I wan buy am give my friend Joe.''

''Na so bros! Tell ya 'friend' say na only one teaspoon he go use oh'' the alagbo said.


''I say, owo leyin. Make una give me money for back na'' the red eyed conductor shouted.

''Conductor, I dey come. Oya, take. For three feefu for back'' a dark skinned gentleman said.


''Ye!Mogbe!'' the conductor yelled.

''When Aboki enter my bus?... You nor hear say Aboki ma wole?.... Why your dress swell like that?...... Aboki wetin dey your bag?....... I say wetin you carry?.........''


P.S: the Flipout Corner is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Presidential Candidate Muhamaddu Buhari; yesterday's man or tomorrow's messiah? A beer parlour narrative!

It was one of those days, like so many before it, after long hours slaving at work but with admittedly half of those hours spent on Linda Ikeji's blog wondering when the god of Range Rover that did hers would do mine, I somehow meander my vehicle through traffic to my favourite  get- away joint.

To avid readers of this blog; that's myself, my mum, my two friends and my dog Wike( to my Rivers people, that's pronounced 'why-k' and not like your future governor's name by any chance) this joint should be as familiar to you as the vivid smell of corruption as you drive though the streets of uptown Abuja!

Ahhhhh, Mama Nkechi's 'Garden of Happiness'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.K.A Green Bottle Cathedral.

A place where folks gather to let off the pent up frustrations of their slowly ebbing lives in a steaming bowl of ridiculously huge catfish pepper soup and to also see if by any chance they could find the key to their success in life at the bottom of a cold bottle of Star Lager!

If Mama Nkechi, God bless the mother that taught her to cook, knew the number of lives her famous 'Noah's Ark' pepper soup had saved from the interminable frustrations of modern day Nigeria, she'd probably contest for office; LGA Chairman or something.
Lesser folks have been known to rule us in greater offices!


Anyway, this night was no exception and the usual lively ruckus associated with places of ethanol worship as this was already brewing.
The music blaring from the back speakers was one that took me to a time of less responsibility and pressure.
A time of 20Naira gala, 25Naira Coke and 100Naira to a Dollar!

'All the Hausa girls,
Ibo girls,
Even Yoruba girls dem...................................'


Ahh! Like a debt conveniently forgotten, the name of the artiste kept escaping me but the rhythm did its work of shuffling me ever closer to the bar.

His name is Ollie Gee by the way. Song; Daddy Moh!

But as I got close to the bar proper, I noticed the  ruckus was a bit more rowdy than usual and I could clearly see a fairly large crowd gathered bang in the centre of the pub over a seemingly dying man.

The man was so skinny, you'd wonder where any catfish with an iota of self esteem would stay.
Apparently, this self respecting piece of fish bone was stuck in his throat and the poor fella was flailing his arms and gasping for breath like the folks at the Rock called Aso drowning in corruption!

''Okoli, 'match' the 'stomuch' '' roared a  loud voice from the back.
''I say press this man belle well well''
''Mama Nkechi, is like ya customer haf swallow bone oh'' bellowed the man, though still apparently more interested in the aquatic captive on his plate than for his dying comrade-at-the-bottles!

Luckily for the man, God and a few well practiced compressions to his tummy by the bar's owner ensured the offending piece of bone was dislodged from his wind pipe and all was on its way to been well with the world again!

''Nne, you won't believe it! This same thing do me for 1983 for one joint for Owerri like that!!!'' The fellow who we had all come to know as Hygenius, recounted to Mama Nkechi as he slowly made his way up.

''That time Buhari just pursue Shagari commot for office. In fact Nne, na around this December time sef!''

''Bros Hygenius, this same Buhari wey Twitter say wan contest next 'yeah' so?'' Asked a young man, who couldn't have been a day older than sixteen from the front.

At this point, I'd like to be socially correct and pretend the young fella was sipping on a cold bottle of Fanta but unless in the midst of the fish brouhaha, Fantas now came in large green bottles, I'd say we all, in the revered words of Oristsefemi, let the boy ''Spend his money any way he likes it oh''

''Yes my brother! This same Buhari! Dem fit never born your papa sef that time.''
''As him neck thin now, na so him neck thin that time!''
''One naira, Buhari no thief!''


At this point, Mama Nkechi who usually was more interested in ensuring nobody drank a free bottle 'on her head'  joined the discussion.
''No be lie Hygenius, I remember that time well''
''As Buhari dey fight corruption among politicians dem, na so he dey fight indiscipline for the country.''
''Dem no born ya Papa make you no queue for Bus-Stop!''
The entire bar rattled in agreement, at least those old enough to remember.

Just as the din was settling, a slow rattling noise filled the room. It was the sound of Prof, a sinewy elderly man better known at the bar for his taste in girls so young, they were probably not born when he last had a working set of molars, trying to get up with his cane.

''It seems you all have had your memories of Buhari obfuscated by the denudation that time inevitably brings.'' he started impressively but ultimately meaninglessly.

''This Buhari you all herald as a champion of discipline and anti-corruption was nothing but a dictator who hounded politicians and dissidents into the gulag and had his military boys harass ordinary Nigerians into obedience by floggings, executions and frog jumps on the streets!'' he continued.


By God, I could tell from the poorly timed exclamations around the bar that half the patrons did not have the vaguest idea what the elderly gentleman just said.

He could as well have told us all to go take a nap on one of Reno Omokri's much touted GEJ trains for all we cared!

You seen the train? Me neither.

''Do we still have corruption and indiscipline today?''
''Did his much touted economic policies of Buharism work?''
''Apart from failed abductions and extraditions did he achieve anything to gain us international acclaim?'' Prof kept at it never the less.

These were strong words and the Cathedral fell silent as I had never heard in my many years of worship.

We all looked at each other for a response to Prof's very true words and we were all dumbfouned.

But as Aristotle once wisely said ' they're looking for the formula, from here down to South Africa........" or was it Don Jazzy?
Anyway, in life sometimes, where the answer or should we say the formula arises from may be as confounding as the problem!

'Okoli press the stomuch' had taken time to look up from his plate with a look of deep contemplation and spoke.
'But Sir, could we also argue'' he began, in  diction so refined that our earlier thoughts that a good portion of his brain lay in his pot belly may have been unfounded after all.

''Could we also argue, that enough time was not given to allow his economic policies bear fruit and indeed in the short term, we witnessed a marked improvement in the behaviour and indeed public composure of Nigerians?''

''Would it be a lie to say that in his time as the Petroleum Trust Fund (PTF) Chairman, evidence of this fund's influence was seen across the country unlike a certain unsure SURE-PEE?''

''More importantly has anyone pointed an accusatory finger of corruption at the good General in all these years?''

''In these difficult times, is this not the sort of leader we need?''

''And please spare me the Islamist propaganda!'' he ended.



''Mama Nkechi.! Mama Nkechi!! Mama Nkechi!!! Give this man stout! I say give this man one big stout!!!!'' yelled the teenage boy as the entire pub broke into 'hmms' and 'ahhhhsss' at 'Okoli's' oration.

As this point, it dawned on us and indeed Mama Nkechi that we still had a grossly under aged boy in our midst at an ungodly hour.

''Oya, Chibuzor come dey go house! Ya Mama don dey fine you!''

Face tired and with drunken legs barely able to hold his weight, the boy staggered to his feet and on his way out quipped '' Mama Nkechi, he be like say Bros Hygenius ( of swallowed bone fame) no dey breath again. Is like your customer haf die oh!!!!!!!!!!''.

No wonder he's been quiet for a while!

P.S: The FlipOut Corner is still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod and still does not hold an opinion and  loves all the candidates.

The curious case of Goodluck Jonathan!

I've never been a shoe man!
I've always seen them as nothing more than an entrapment for our feet with which we step on the soil.
I honestly doubt if I've ever owned two decent pairs at the same time at any point in my life.
Infact, if I had my way, apart from buying Dencia an umbrella to protect her skin from the sun, I'd  probably be waltzing through the streets of Lagos care free and shoeless like a half crazed, beach seeking Cele priest!
It's no surprise we have laws to keep us from having our way most of the time.

Anyway, little wonder I got drawn to President Jonathan  during his first campaign for office.
The thought of a little shoeless Joe, all shiny black skinned, with his little weeny bowler hat safely harnessed on his head like a flying saucer made from cotton, wool, linen or whatever in God's name those horrid hats are made from, fishing rod in one hand and the latest edition of Ikebe Super in the other was a draw too strong for me and I believe many other Nigerians.
By the way, there's a 25-40 year old man somewhere in Nigeria as we speak sweating bucket loads as he tries his utmost best to lie as he is been quizzed by his 5year old son about Ikebe Super!

Ikebe Who??????????????? Ikebe What??????????????

God be watching you  live and in HD on those new curved Samsung TV's my brother!

Anyhoo, we saw Oga Joe not only as one of us but indeed us.
The humble man from the backwaters who rose to be king.
Otuokpe could be Iyin in Ekiti State or Obiaruku in Delta for all we cared.
For a minute and half or so, we envisioned ourselves, not in our dreary, sweltering, mosquito infested apartments but about to step foot into the Presidential Villa.
The Villa, where we had heard great fables about Chewey, the imported Pakistani mountain goat in the Aso Zoo who usually had coffee alongside his breakfast on cold mornings.

Omo, see life!!!!!!!!

We told ourselves that because we had seen suffering up close and could recognise it in the dark, we would not get carried away by this new found tax payer funded opulence.
That just like Patoranking stuck to his Girlie 'who loved him when he had no dime', we would remember the people on the streets.
We thought that hard work and indeed goodluck had finally brought us or at least a man very much like us into power.
 It's been years of Oga Joe's rules and it seems, just like Portiphar did when he felt he could trust his wife alone at home with a hunky Joseph, we thought wrong!

The people on the street are as poor as they've ever been.
The people on the streets are as hungry as they've ever been.
And whoever told you a hungry man never bothered nobody probably never met Terry G in the early days!

The people are angry not only because they can't afford to feed but because of a growing disconnect between a man they trusted and the close to a 100 million stuck in the mire of 'Squalor Nigeria'.
The poor don't care about mathematical speeches on macro-econimics.
The poor sure as hell don't care  if our GDP is large enough to fit Banky W's head like a cap.

Adamu in Gwoza does not care about newly found oil fields in Bayelsa. He wonders why he has been left to his fate to possibly die a cruel death in the hands of bandits.

Chijioke in Orlu does not care if Hyundai has started coupling plastic cars somewhere in Lagos. It's not like he's ever gonna afford one in his life time anyway.
He wonders why his wife had to die at childbirth alongside many others in his town.

Sarah in her dingy little hair dressing salon powered by a Tiger generator that had definitely seen better days and was now coughing up its last spurts of black poisonous fumes, wonders where the humble man who had promised to make life, even if not for her but at least for her young daughter better, had disappeared to.

Her generator had been working way before Oga Joe's tenure and seemed destined to work long after.

This man was no Patoranking.

A well fed, self praising Timaya more like!

To say the GEJ administration has not attempted some good would be grossly unfair. The policies have just not benefited the poor majority who fought on his side during the heady days of succession or no succession.

Instead, we have a group of newly minted Nigerians, probably less than a thousand of them, feeding fat on our ever increasing GDP.

With an election year fast approaching, it would be wise to remember that this new breed of fancy suit wearing, G-Wagon driving Nigerians would probably spend election Saturday sleeping off a Friday night of drunken debauchery while Adamu, Sarah and Chijioke, despair on face and revenge in mind, populate that voting queue.

P.s: She love me for very long time,
      Long time,
      She love me when me get no dime
           -Patoranking.

Follow the The Flipout Corner @doctorrotcod

The man who saw tomorrow;Ayo Fayose and the Rice of the PDP!

For those familiar with the machinations(Somebody get me Konga.com NOW NOW!A bottle of their finest hair gel for Pastor Kris Okotie) of this blog,you probably are used to this by now.
Me disappearing for weeks on end without writing jack squat or writing something as unsatisfactory as a Patience Jonathan W.A.E.C English essay might have been.
Might have been I say.
You never know with these things.
Its just like when stutterers sing fluently.
For all we know,little Miss Patience might have been a little Ikwerre Shakespeare.
Writing ballards and shit!

Tell them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most times its easy and convenient to blame the absence on work pressure from other sources but truth be told,half the time I just run short on ideas.
No matter how much I cajole the brain to function,it just comes back emptier than Etcetera's music awards gallery.
Etce who??????????????
As my mother would say,na so dem dey ask person!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, writing about the continous cycle of bombs,raids and deaths in Nigeria gets disheartening real quick.
And as myself and other delegates in the 'Garden of Happiness' parliament suggested earlier this week,only if we could get Tiwa Savage to go easy on the make-up.
The girl wears enough make-up to bring peace to the Middle East or at the very least,Borno State!
Any road,the elections in Ekiti state about two weeks back caught my eye.
And if my stunning looks does not give away he fact that I'm an Ekiti man,I wonder what will?
Against all expectation,Ayo Fayose,the once accused phantom poultry farmer,was once again elected governor.
I had the opportunity of watching Mr Fayose storm to the Ekiti State Government house in the early years of democracy till he ran 'fowl' of the law and was deposed.
His method was simple.
While his opponents serenaded the crowd with promises of high sped rail,Wi-fi coverage and flying cars,he simply did the needful.
He identified a need and filled it.
At the time,Ekiti State was suffering a water supply shortage that would have made the Israelite wilderness travails seem like a day in the life of Davido!
He simply hired water tankers and supplied towns and villages with water free to villagers who had been left to trekking to streams for their supplies like a bunch of confused young girls in a Nollywood movie.
By the way, a word for those girls.
If by now you do not know that the village rapist usually chills by the foot path to the stream then you probably don't know shit!
So Mr Fayose went from hamlet to village to town distributing water.
And as absurd as this may sound,somewhere at the back of the mind of the voters they probably felt that if he could distribute water as a candidate,as Governor,they would surely have water flowing into their homes and maybe even one of those Japanese toilets that supposedly splash some water on your behind once you done.
We all know what happened after he got into office don't we?
Its all water under the proverbial bridge now though.
So,when pictures  of the PDP distributing mini-bags of rice to the people surfaced  on the Internet just before this round of elections,it was obvious he was simply trying a tried and tested pattern.
I mean,if something worked for you in the past,why change it?
Except if you're Cabo-Snoop of course.

Those skinny jean only take you so far bro!

Any change,Fayose seemed to have identified the crippling poverty and hunger facing the people.
Not just in Ekiti but across the length and breadth of this country and chose to pick on it this time around.
Contrary to what they might tell you,a hungry man is very rarely an angry man.
Confused,docile,amenable to easy manipulation and generally willing to sell his birthright more like.

At least Esau's was cooked already.This one's will still buy oil,pepper and Maggi!

Fayose had and still has no plans for Ekiti development but he won  in a landslide.
And that hurts.
For a state once revered for having more professors than all the high school graduates put together in Sokoto State..................................Sorry...............Hold on one second...................Mr Commissioner for Education Sokoto on the line?.............Hello.............Those are 1962 figures you say?..................Ehen?
Seriously though,the opposition needs to know that beyond development and infrastructure,politics of the belly is also vital.
You need to satisfy peoples short term needs to have them believing in your long term goals.
No amount of flower planting can placate a hungry man.
Except their edible flowers though.
There's another election coming up in Osun State and Iyiola Omisore the PDP candidate in between mouthfuls of corn seems to be borrowing a leaf from the Fayose Ekiti playbook

Only in the Third World would this men be contesting for public position.

If Asiwaju Tinubu and the APC do not want to lose their stranglehold on the SouthWest,I can only urge them to in the immortal words of Lax ft Wizkid...........
Ginger oh...................
Ginger................
Ginger oh.................
Ginger.............

P.S: the flipside of life is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:#Doro Boko, thieves of girls and other stories!

I've never really had a love for dreams.
Even as a kid,my dreams were always vivid and scary.
So it came as no surprise to me when just the other day I woke up screaming and totally soaked in sweat and gasping for breath due to what I had just witnessed in dreamland.
It started pretty mildly enough,with me in my living room watching the video to Don Jazzy's new hit single Dorobucci.
Don Jazzy took the first verse,all 120kg of fat in him trying to dance while at the same time trying to look cool.
It went pretty well but you would not believe for all the oil fields in the Niger-Delta who took the next verse!
It was my Commander-in-Chief,all decked up,complete with bowler hat looking like a Sudanese school teacher 30 years out of vogue.
'Doro Boko,(ehn ehn)
Doro Mad, (ehn ehn)
Doro Crazy, (ehn ehn)
Doro Terror, (ehn ehn)
Doro carry any girl wey Doro see oh oh,
Doro bomb anybody wey Doro jam ehn ehn,
Doro Haram,
e be like say we no fit catch am,
Doro mad pass militants wey don dey mad before'

My Physiology teacher back in the day ,God rest his soul, always believed that your dreams were a fair reflection of your environment and your present thoughts and preoccupation.
In a crazy country, you definitely would dream crazy dreams.
Its been a month or so to remember or to forget,depending on how you view disasters.
My Psychology teacher used to say....................you know what,he was never the  sharpest tool in the box, so I'm just gonna skip what he said and save you some megabytes.
But my emotions in the last month have ranged from surprise to fright for the nation at the level of terror pervading the land to fright for the level of intelligence of our leaders and their cronies to just a pure 'get me outta here' feeling.
Well.................................to be honest though the 'get me outta here' moment really had nothing to do with the events in the nation.
I think that was the weekend my car broke down, dead centre of the Third Mainland bridge with not a soul in sight apart from two Mermaids crying about how the hot new Merman from River Benue used and dumped both of them!
Benue people though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I've not had to follow so much drama in a short space of time since I stopped watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'.
How their male partners do not realise that their careers and lives always go down the drain after stepping foot on that show is way beyond me, my beef for them and my barely five figure salary.
Anyhoo, two bombings, a kidnapping, a presidential media chat for the ages and a very First Lady like outpouring of grief later, we somehow are still here.
Still going about our daily lives.
Still not too exhausted to start our generators in the evenings to follow the madness on the news.
Still alive.
Tensed and scared.
But somehow still alive.
Musa Yaro  up north wakes up every morning and prepares to go to the office,farm or grazing fields and  wonders if he would make it back home in one piece while Gbenga Okonkwo down south glances in alarm at every very dark skinned fellow with an accent slightly different from his who dares to sneeze with his arms outstretched;wondering if this was the day terror came South!
But strangely we seem to have gotten used to the killings and bombings
The daily murders been committed by the infamous 'unknown gunmen'  up North have become little more than happenings in a remote part of our land.
We know it's there but we refuse to truly acknowledge it.
In fact,very much like the famous 'Expo' of days gone by,you know its tucked somewhere in your inner thigh but you don't dare glance at it until you totally have to!
But the kidnappings?
That shook us!
276,220,210,even 2,whatever the number.
The fact that young innocent girls could be boarded up into trucks like feverishly excited University of Benin girls been taken taken for an Igbinedion(Lucky or Gabriel,take your pick) after party and carried away in the dead of the night was too much to bear.

Even Nollywood agrees!

Even if it happened in the Northernmost border of Nigeria.
Even if it happened at the bottom of Lake Chad or just across the border from the Palace of the Oba of Mali,the fact that it happened within our borders and our government said nothing for three weeks appears to have stunned and shook us in equal measure.
Nigeria,a nation of 'It-is-wellers' and passive-aggressives,poured its people out unto the streets to speak out in one voice to #BringOurGirlsBack.
World leaders have taken turns to express disgust at the act and also express support for the Nigerian government in its quest to get these girls back.
Nigerian celebs have also taken to twitter,more in an effort to gain publicity than anything else but we thank them all the same.

A placard with an hash tag would have done just fine bro.Just fine!

CNN has made casting Nigeria as a whole in bad light as its next God sent mission.
In a week when Nigeria was supposed to get all the world's media attention from hosting the World Economic Forum,CNN chose to portray us as a nation of terror and for that we also thank them.
We know that the next plane crash,earthquake or landslide somewhere would get them scampering off like my Etisalat data plan;here today,gone tomorrow!
Anyway,Something tells me we'll get those girls back.
Every one of them.
Not a hair out of place.
Not a scar on the face.

Oga Bola,na only you write this thing?You for ask person na!

Why am I so confident?
Because there is indeed God and good always prevails over evil and secondly.....................................the Americans just sent Jack Bauer!
#Doro Bauer!

P.S:@drsid, I serioously doubt that your 'knack' line.With that pot belly?????????Nigger please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Follow the flipside of life @doctorrotcod

Sanusi Lamido ,NNPC,the camel and the straw!

Nobody does Nollywood like Pete Edochie and no one does Pete Edochie like Pete Edochie.
Wherever Oga Pete is right now he can rest assured that God has indeed reserved a mansion for him in Nollywood heaven.
And if his preference is an apartment building with 24 units of four bedroom apartments like those horrid ones in Onitsha,he can also rest assured that our God is able-as Joel Osteen says,our God is indeed modern and pliable.
But more importantly,may God bless you for two things;one,for that fantastically cultured beard you have.
Lesser men have tried to keep a goatee as fabulous and have failed.
Failed miserably I tell you.
And secondly,for all your proverbs.
A proper Pete Edochie movie is never complete without a couple of proverbs.
Relevant or otherwise.
Even if Kanayo.O Kanayo had just hung himself on a tree at the village square because yet another village maiden just jilted him(they all do that for a reason Kanayo.They all do!), only Oga Pete would stroll past,stare meanly and look up at the tree and mutter something utterly silly like "a tree cannot make a forest except Amadioha refuses to give other trees a chance"

True Legend!

So when I woke up early this morning to the news of Dr Goodluck.J finally wielding the big stick and suspending the Central Bank Governor,Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(we heard the first Sanusi bro,we ain't deaf), it was obvious a 20  billion dollar straw had indeed broken the camel's back!
Mr Sanusi had a great run as the Central Bank Governor since 2009.
Cleaning up a banking industry on the verge of collapse,bringing inflation under 10% and stopping the Intercontinental Oceanic's of this world from using our hard earned kobos to buy private jets for their sons,mistresses and pastors to throw not so private parties.
More importantly,he opened our eyes to how opaque (pronounced o-peik, opakwe is my grandmother's dog) our financial system in relation to the National Oil Corporation was,is and will probably continue being.
If reincarnation were a thing,I'd give a front tooth just to come back as a smoke detector.so I could compare the murkiness and fog in the accounting offices of the NNPC and Jesse Jagz's recording studio!

Oliver Khan,she's a keeper!(What a line!and they say doing drugs is bad for you.Silly mutts!)

The man was not only ruffling feathers,he was also attempting to pluck out the feathers completely.
And as my mum used to say,if you talk too much while plucking a chicken,the feathers only attach back pronto.
Was SLS a saint?
No one is!
He had his failings.
He was probably too dramatic for the office he held.
Probably too political to be objective.
And hang me by my feet and call me a piglet, a dress sense so bad it was almost a joke.

I hear the horse could not make it through his office door!

As Pete Edochie would say,every story has a moral and Sanusi Lamido must know by now that trying to throw a beam of light into the darkness of Nigerian corruption is as useless as M.I Abaga wearing flats at a Reinhard Bonke revival!
As of today,the double named man trying to expose the cesspit that is the NNPC has just had its content splashed on his face.
Your move Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi!

P.S : Pls follow the flipout corner on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Too poor to be Gay!(happy)

Somewhere in Lagos,on a hot,humid evening at a bar down the road,the flipout corner chose to take a break.
This particular watering hole was where the young ones come to cool off after another predictably hard day in the never ending urban rat race.
Here,the major attractions contradict themselves;the drinks are cold and the women are hot!
Eyes tired,ties loosened,high heels replaced with more comfortable flats and Chidinma's 'Emi ni Baller' blaring through the speakers in an attempt to reinvigorate flagging spirits.
Unfortunately,it was the remix and we had to bear the tedium of Wizkid's mumblings for about two minutes but all in all it was turning out to be a good night.
Bang in the centre of the room,a group was gradually becoming the focus of attraction.
The topic was one that,depending on your side of the divide,could get you imprisoned in modern day Nigeria or on the obverse,could get you denied an entry visa at major Western embassies.

You 'happy'? If you no 'happy',no entry!

There were three main actors.
A twenty-something year old man;suave,complete with his suit and really expensive 'looking' shoes and swinging the keys to his apparently newly bought(with a work place loan I'm sure) Toyota something-something so wildly for all to see that you could feel the wind emanating from  the swing at the back of the room!
There were no prices or scholarships offered for guessing he was a Lagos banker.
The second guy had the worn out look of a guy in his mid-thirties,down on his luck and who increasingly wonders if it's too late to swim to Europe and wash dishes like his friend Ikenna did ten years ago.
Ikenna is a Chief in the village now mind you!
Don't ask me how I know,I just do!
All of a sudden we are punctuated by the sonorous voice of Sean Tizzle dishing out his usual dose of 4 or 5 lines in a song but damn does 'Mama Eh' make it sound good.
The third guy?You know what?I really don't know.
The guy could have trekked down from the Mainland for all I care.
Gradually, we all drop our drinks,shift our gazes surreptitiously to where the conversation was emanating from and had our eyes trained on our smart phones with all seriousness like we were chatting with the guy about to find a cure for Cancer.

Lagos Banker : .....................Are you really saying there are no gay people in Nigeria?

Worn out Guy : Exactly! It's not part of our culture.There are no homosexuals in this country.That's what they were called when I was growing up!

Lagos Banker : You don't say! When I was growing up, they were called thieves, now they're just called Politicians.
That's not the point anyway.Being gay is not something you decide, it's not a choice. They don't.........

Worn-Out Guy : Come,come,come!!!!!!! Don't just go there.My friend,don't go there at all.
What do you mean? Have you ever seen a he-goat or a he-dog sleep with another male?
(Turns to 3rd guy) Abi,what do you think?

3rd Guy : Yes,Yes I agree with you.

Lagos Banker : Are we now animals.I thought our highly developed brains took us above that level.
Being gay or as you crudely refer to it,homosexual,is not a disease. It's something you're born with.

Worn-Out Guy : What Medical School did you finish from again sef?

Lagos Banker : I'm not a doctor. I'm a ban....................

Worn-Out Guy : Exactly! So don't give me a lecture on what you don't know.


--------------------------GOAL--------------------------------------------
          (There goes Manchester United losing another game)

Worn-Out guy : Let's not copy things we don't understand.Because a couple of you have returned after one year doing a Masters degree at a University in London or America, not bigger than my one-room apartment.........sorry, I mean my three bedroom flat,you think you can bring all sorts of rubbish back here!

Lagos banker : Don't you think you're being discriminatory? Does this not take you back to the time of slavery in the West? Or the period of Apartheid in South Africa? Are you not inferring that gay people are less human than you?
And are you not in the least bit worried about our perception in global politics with this Anti-Gay bill?
(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or what do yo think?

3rd Guy : Hmmm.Hmmm. I agree with you.

Worn-Out Guy :First of all,we should never let perceptions cloud our judgements.
Russia and the United Arab Emirates have stricter Anti-Gay laws and yet Westerners and Nigerian 'activists' still flock to Dubai like a buch of PDP defectors to the APC!
And I see that we're having a history class now?
Does this not take you back to when homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness?
Do you wonder what paedophilia would be considered as in few years?


Lagos Banker : Come on!! Really!!! Really!!!!!!!! Are you comparing this to paedophilia? Really????

Worn-Out Guy : You know what? This story don dey too long. My bible and my Pastor do not support it.
End of story! If the Bible says no,then it's no. In fact,you should ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?"

(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or am I wrong?


3rd Guy : Sure,Sure.I agree with you.

(WHOLE BAR TURNING TO 3RD GUY AND SCREAMING IN UNISON) : You know what? Just shut up if you don't have a point to make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lagos Banker : I'm also a Christian and I don't think any religion supports it but we all do things our religions frown upon.
I mean,there's some good quality porn on your phone,sorry I checked,but I don't remember Jesus leading the disciples to 'The Slick" back in the day.

(History has it that 'The Slick' was the first fully commercialised strip joint in Galilee back in the day. True story. I swear!)


Worn-Out Guy : Erm,Erm....I don't know how that got there.Must have come with the phone!

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the fact is Pro-Gay activists look down on people who are in support of the bill as been primitive and crude but forget that cultures actually differ.
Western culture spits at polygamy,why should we not spit back?

Lagos Banker : I agree with you on that point and if it were a spitting contest I'd leave it at that but it's a battle between rights and culture and a forthright intellectual appreciation of both sides is neede......................

---------------------------------------------PHONE RINGS-------------------------------------------


Worn-Out Guy picks phone : Hey darling. I'll be home soon. Just working late.
The music in the background?
What music?
Oh................................the music!(giggling)
Funny story......someone came up with the idea at work that since 9ice was so redundant and cheap to hire these days,we could get him to amuse those of us working overtime.
Funny right!
Hello?
Hello?
Poor reception.
Home soon.

(Drops phone)

Gotta run guys.
(Turning to 3rd Guy)
Erm.......Ermmmmmmmm......Would have dropped you off but I'm not really going your way.

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd Guy : It's okay. I'll just trek back to the Mainland. It's cool this time of the night.

P.S: Follow @doctorrotcod on the twitter machine.

Nigerian letter writers and Mr Coker!

God bless Mr Coker wherever he may be in this caustic land of obese leaders and famished citizens.
He was my English teacher way back in Secondary School;that's High school for my numerous fans in Obama's country and the many wannabes on the Island.
I love you all by the way.
Versace,Versace everything for you in 2014!
Anyways,in between talking through his nose and squinting through his horn-rimmed glasses,I,the poor boy from the Primary school with two teachers, a security guard who also doubled as the P.E  instructor and a headmistress who owned the barbing salon upstairs, hardly ever understood much of what Mr Coker said in class but damn could the brother teach "Letter writing"!
Coker could write a letter to the Devil and still know if it were appropriate to start things of with a gently worded Dear Sir or just keep it on the informal down low.
Of my numerous distinctions in the School leaving exams(---------------------long space to fill in your unwanted and ultimately disregarded disbelief------------------------------------------------------) my A1 in English Language was my most cherished.
So that's why on reading the Obasenjos' letters I could come to only two logical conclusions;
a)Coker was right.A day would indeed come when I had to actually use the idiom "Pot calling someone else black!"
and
b)Neither of them had Mr Coker as an English teacher.
Which is a pity if I must say.
I have to be honest,as I always am,though God and a few people I know might disagree.
I haven't actually finished either letter.
Don't get me wrong,I started but in between trying to give my very best at work in another failing sector of public service and actually being eternally grateful that I even have a job in this barely floating ship of a country,there's really little energy left for someone else's family squabble.
And such poorly written letters by the way,that much Mr Coker taught me!
If people like Chief Alex Ekwueme or Mallam Nuhu Ribadu decide to pick up their pens and scribble their thoughts  for us all to share,aside from the obviously more enjoyable tenses we can surely expect and the surely more pleasing pictures of those good folks published alongside the letters,we would be digesting the letters looking up,with the words pouring down from the altar of dignity and not creeping up like a stream of deceit from a pig farm somewhere in Ogun State!
Dear OBJ, 'in case you don't,in case you don't,in case you don't know, know', as my good friend Harrisong would say, Corruption was just as widespread in 1999.

Better pikin.........ahn....you be like your papa pikin!(Harrisong,naughty you!)

With Legislators buying furniture for obscene amounts like wood was going out of fashion and Nigerian carpenters were queueing up to join the war in Afghanistan.
Unemployment was just as rampant with the only difference being that at least PhD holders now have a shot at 'tanker' driving jobs and their daughters and wives have a wider array of beaches,hotels and bars to prostitute these days while they are away.
That reminds me by the way.
'Elegushi loading' is baccccccccccccccck y'all.
After 6 months of idling and rotting away like Stella's BMW's,Nigerian students have finally being released from the clutches of their parents and thrown back unto the streets they've made their home in recent years!
Even ASUU knows they'd be no proper Xmas celebration without our dear Nigerian university girls.
Our dear letter writing ex-president should also remember that there was a protracted ASUU strike action at the beginning of his tenure.
I did not celebrate 2 birthdays,3 Xmas' and watch an Orange tree grow fully in my backyard all in one academic year because I had nothing better doing!
It is a fact that cannot be disguised that the amount of impunity,corruption and insecurity in the land in the last 24-36 months has reached obscene proportions,almost like the gold piece on the neck of Ayo'jacob the jeweler' Oristejafor but every man,woman and indeed child that has held office in this great country cannot be exempt from blame.

This could have saved you a thousand words OBJ.And spared us from having to read it!

Picking up a pen and writing an epistle like a bored Apostle Paul on one of his numerous journeys of self-redemption along a bumpy road from Damascus to God-knows-where cannot absolve you of blame!
 Infact,watching all the utensils in the PDP kitchen calling each other all shades of black has really cracked me up this festive period.
You guys have been a hoot and a half,I must say!
As for Aunty Iyabo,I did not read yours to be honest!
Daddy issues are meant for a shrink's sofa!
And this is Nigeria,doctors are so poorly paid or completely unpaid that you could get a session for two bars of soap,a bag of salt and an ice-cold Chivita!
Just don't go writing a letter about it afterwards.
 P.S:The flipside of life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Tribe and Prejudice!

I've always loved knowledge.
Gathering up little nuggets of otherwise irrelevant data has always been my thing.
Like knowing the first man to receive a telephone call or trying to find out why for whatever reason Genevieve Nnaji has made it her life's mission to attend every wedding in a 10,000 kilometer radius from her!
I also love words.
I try as much as I can to learn a new word everyday.
No,I don't sit down with a cold bottle of Trophy Lager in one hand,nose in an Oxford dictionary and the other hand gingerly stroking my ignorance and my apparent joblessness as some 'writers' tend to.
I do it the right way.Read as much as I can and check up the unrecognisables.
About that,something really funny happened yesterday.
Not so sure it would interest you but when did that ever stop me from telling you?
So,my 'Word for the day' was 'Star'.
Yes,we all assume we know what a Star means!
But while perusing a popular entertainment blog,vastly popular than mine I must say,I came across a piece where Nigerian artiste/'living off-er' Kayswitch was referred to as a Pop Star.
Well..................................that got me scurrying off fast as you like,almost the same way Wande Coal must have while trying to escape from the studio on the day he 'stole' said song,to check my dictionary.
And to my relief and that of a whole nation(I presume),Star the adjective still does not refer to a no-hit wonder brother of Nigeria's favourite entertainer!

Phew!Your guys almost had me there Kay!

Anyway,while on my never ending sojourn for intellectual gigantism,I came across a comment on Linda Ikeji's blog and true,I'm an avowed LIBer but I don't go there for the gossip.
I just go to check who's advertising and make more money for Linda.

Always confirm if your doctor is digging for information about your health or just checking Linda Ikeji's blog and ignoring you!

In the comment was a word that caught my attention,'Ofe mmanu'.
Slow down Callistus,you won't find it in any dictionary.
Not even the 1980 Websters your Local Government Chairman just distributed.
It caught my attention not because it was exotic but because of the regularity with which it has been turning up online.
It literally means 'Oily soup' or something in the range but has since transcended and become a derogatory term by which Yoruba people are addressed.
Just like 'Aboki' literally means friend but it's never friendly when we yell it at Ahmed Musa for missing another open goal!

Are you asking for your brain back?

Don't get me wrong,a few derogatory terms amongst friends never hurt no one.
Infact I'd readily call my good friend Uche an 'Okoro' if he tries dipping his hand in my bowl of Nkwobi.
But  going through comment boards on popular blogs nationwide,the rise in tribal animosity is increasingly disturbing.
Anything that cannot be explained by rational thought is attributed to tribal deficiencies.
When a young man in an act of greed is caught and paraded at the Lagos Port for attempting to bring in AK-47'S  and RPG'S alongside his container of bathroom tiles and is coincidentally named Uche(Not my friend Uche of the above mentioned Nkwobi fiasco oh),it is hurriedly attributed to the willingness of the Ibos to make a quick buck by all means possible!
When a middle aged woman named Ajoke is caught at the international airport with a few grains of cocaine in her head tie and a few more in her grand kid's diapers,the rationale is that all Yoruba's are drug peddlers.
If these thoughts are from a 75 year old woman in Anambra who lost a husband and two kids to the war and recently lost her eldest child to the never ending carnage in the North,I'd understand.
Or from a husband who had just lost the mother of his children to imported fake drugs,I'd get it.
Pain and loss are excusable reasons for individual irrational generalizations.
But when young,supposedly over educated(all these extra years in University must count for something) Nigerians,whose main problem,though not yet identified by them,is the generalized ,without any form of preference,underdevelopment of their country by their leaders,harbour these thoughts,the future of this country can't but seem bleaker than that of Banky W's scalp ever growing hair again!
Admittedly,Nigeria's amalgamation in 19...........long ago brought together strange bedfellows.
The Nigerian Civil War of 19.........not so long ago fostered a divided nation.
While our parents and guardians have since nurtured these divisions by passing on tasty little helpings of tribal sentiments in an environment of economic lack.
Everyday we see the likes of Aliko Dangote,Femi Otedola and Tony Elumelu wining and dining,laughing wholeheartedly and hugging like long lost lovers in a bad romantic comedy while we the masses whose minds have been dulled by poor education,whose visions have been hampered by incessant blackouts and growths stunted by poor nutrition still despise our neighbours for irrelevant things like too much pepper in the stew or a penchant for wearing just singlets almost everywhere.
We have too many troubles and can't afford to add hate to it.

The three guys even have their faces on our money!How appropriate!

So young Nigeria,when next you are at the club and trying desperately to get into that beautiful girl's pants without giving a hoot where she comes from,remember this immortal piece of advice from Albert 'my cousin' Einstein 'If its good enough for you in the dark,its probably good enough for you in the open'!

P.S:Why are those Nkwobi bowls so shallow?????????
If we talk now they will call us tribalistic!

Pls follow @doctorotcod .He's on the Twitter!

Dear Sister Stella!

Dear Sister Stella,
 It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about  a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!

Damn right!Lives to run another day.

So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!

P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)

PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod

Half of a Yellow Face!(The bleaching epidemic)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That was the loud sound that was about escaping from my throat till I managed to bottle it down due to a combination of resolute will and the fear of the koboko wielding mobile police man at the gate of my neighbourhood bank when I bumped into Shade,my long lost friend from my teenage years a few weeks back.
Yes I was excited to see her(for whatever reason I don't know now) but here's the deal,those who have met me briefly,politely describe me as 'dark' but my friends who have absolutely no reason to be nice or couth(or else we wouldn't be friends,now would we?) describe me as 'black'.
And if you bothered your pretty head to go to Primary School;I don't know why anyone would really cos I hear that one can walk into certain state universities in the South-West and South-East these days with nothing more than an ability to blink twice and hands to present your tuition fees;you definitely would have heard of the nursery rhyme 'Two Little Black Birds'.
I can tell you this,those black birds wherever they may be these days,had nothing on Shade and myself!

Birds of life!

So you can imagine my shock when I saw Shade all these years later looking all "fair and yellow' like a freshly painted Keke Napep.
I was like "Oh my God Shade,you've really changed"
"Yes oh!We thank God." She replied in that most Nigerian of phrases.
And I duly obliged her by saying "It is well".
We all have that person in our lives.
Some come to us as complete shocks especially when the passage of time serves as a conduit for that shock but there are some,that colleague at work,the pastor's wife at church or the lady at the grocery shop in your neighbourhood who right before your eyes had had the 'black' rinsed off her face like Kiwi polish from a rain battered shoe.
To put things in perspective, a recent W.H.O study claims that a staggering 77% of Nigerian women use skin whitening products!
That's 8 out 0f 10 sisters at that your church's singles meeting you love attending so much.
For those who don't place much value on such studies,who would blame you?
I remember when a study done some years back rated Nigerians as the 'happiest people in the world'.
The madness of it!

Guess no one asked these jolly folks?

You don't need a study to open your eyes to this crazed rush by our women for 'lighter and more radiant skin'.
It's right in front of you unless you choose to ignore it.
Every self respecting supermarket has a shelf devoted to these products and the crowd of young women and indeed men,giving each other tips and taking notes like eager university freshmen,on the correct use and mixes is to say the least astonishing.
The unfailingly human flaw of desiring what you don't possess has always been the driving force for some of the greatest successes in mankind but also the source of it's deepest follies.
Society also seems to glorify the fairer skinned amongst us.With actors like Ramsey Nouah,Majid Michael,Omotola and to a lesser extent and I mean a much lesser extent,infact why would anyone hire Tontoh Dikeh for anything,traditionally being more sought after than their darker skinned peers.
Even as far back as 1916 in faraway Rwanda,Belgian colonialists favoured the Tutsi tribe over the Hutu because they were taller,had high cheekbones and indeed,fairer skinned.
"Hey.....Hey,Professor Flipout,can you just cut to the chase.You know I hate it when you start trying to sound smart,educative and shit!By the way,don't you like think it's spelt 'Phavoured"?I ain't saying nothing but it's spelt 'Pharoah' for a reason,innit?
Anyways,the exfoliates,toners,serums,cleansers and whatever names we choose to call them these days are here to stay and as long as we do not appreciate the incredible beauty that is in abundance in each and everyone of us never mind the health risks,they,like that housegirl wey Oga don give belle,ain't going nowhere!
(Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod)
P.S:Here is a list of things you can hire Tontoh Dike for
1) A clown
2)A..................................I'll have to get back to you on this list.

A for Associated Airline,B for Boko ,C for...........well,C for Cenya!

Today marks a sad turning point in my life.
The day when I officially stop referring to myself as a blogger.
My new post delivery rate is slower than the Nigerian Postal Service.
And those guys be slow!
Once sent a letter to congratulate my sister on giving birth to a bouncing baby boy and it was my nephew who read the letter to her when it was delivered many years later.
I''ll like to be referred to from today,if its not too much of a bother,as 'He Of The Pen Who Refuses To Write' or simply,HOTPWRTW,if that's the sort of thing that floats your boat.
Anyways,things have been rather bland of late.Same old same old or as my friend GT the Guitar Man would say,much of a muchness.
And no I don't know GT the Guitar Man.Just wanted to write the name down so the off chance he gets to read this,he can see how absolutely stupid the name sounds.
So, things were going on as usual.Bombs in Iraq and Pakistan,a few beheadings in Nigeria and Syrians still awaiting the first American bombs.
Then Westgate happened!!!!
Damn me,I'm so used to seeing Kenyan athletes skinny as hell and buck-toothed to boot,running slower than the Nigerian economy in their usual marathons.
So the sight of Kenyans(the lucky ones mind you),sprinting out of the Westgate Mall,eyes widened and arms flailing like a bunch of drowning Nigerian migrants in the Mediterranean as they escaped seemingly certain death was as startling as it was disconcerting!
President Jo's assertion and wise counsel that Nigerians should bear with terrorism as all countries were passing through it and it was(is) merely Nigeria's turn may actually now hold water.
A basket full of water,mind you!
President Uhuru(I cant help but let out a giggle when I hear that name.Reminds of a pet squirrel."Mummy,mummy!All my friends have Uhuru's,Can I get one?") Kenyatta's and the Kenyan Security Services response was one all Kenyans and indeed Africans can be proud of.
It was swift,decisive and thorough;like a mobile police man's slap on a misbehaving Lagos bus conductor!

You know that kain slap na!

Something also happened in Yobe some days after.I think?
A lot of students,young adults,were murdered in their sleep.I think?
Possibly more people died at the College of Agriculture in Yobe than Westgate.I think?
But there was barely any news coverage until days after.
No reassuring statements from our Commander-in-Chief except for repeated reminders of our readiness to help the Kenyans in their fight against terror...........I really cant help giggling today.I think I'll need a few minutes or indeed paragraphs to recover from this one).







Ok!Back to the matter,as Wizkid once wisely counseled.
There was no social media buzz.No Twitter storm.
There was a yawning gap between the #Westgate trend and the #Jim Iyke demonic deliverance;I'm sorry but if it took T.B Joshua to tell you that Oga Jim had demons then you better start having tea with your breakfast cos you're a complete mug!
Nigger has more demons in his head than a Mount Zion Ministry film.

Still don't understand the outfit but I'm a bit more sympathetic.

I just hope one of those dispersed demons were not hanging around the Lagos Airport when Dr Olusegun Agagu,former governor of Ondo State's corpse was being conveyed.
When a plane transporting a corpse crashes and creates another dozen corpses,you know Fela Kuti wasn't just high on high grade cannabis when he sang his now famous line 'Dead body get accident".
Dr Agagu was a gentleman through and through and neither he nor his family members deserve this double dose of tragedy that poor and unsafe roads MAY have contributed to.
In fact,no man deserves to die twice.............well,unless you're my dear Uncle Wale who once went to a salon to have the grey dyed out of his hair and one thing led to the other.....the dye did not take.....blah blah blah ............and he eventually had it done again!
P.S:Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter  @doctorrotcod