Dear Sister Stella,
It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!
So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!
P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)
PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod
It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!
 |
| Damn right!Lives to run another day. |
So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!
P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)
PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod
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