Presidential Candidate Muhamaddu Buhari; yesterday's man or tomorrow's messiah? A beer parlour narrative!

It was one of those days, like so many before it, after long hours slaving at work but with admittedly half of those hours spent on Linda Ikeji's blog wondering when the god of Range Rover that did hers would do mine, I somehow meander my vehicle through traffic to my favourite  get- away joint.

To avid readers of this blog; that's myself, my mum, my two friends and my dog Wike( to my Rivers people, that's pronounced 'why-k' and not like your future governor's name by any chance) this joint should be as familiar to you as the vivid smell of corruption as you drive though the streets of uptown Abuja!

Ahhhhh, Mama Nkechi's 'Garden of Happiness'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.K.A Green Bottle Cathedral.

A place where folks gather to let off the pent up frustrations of their slowly ebbing lives in a steaming bowl of ridiculously huge catfish pepper soup and to also see if by any chance they could find the key to their success in life at the bottom of a cold bottle of Star Lager!

If Mama Nkechi, God bless the mother that taught her to cook, knew the number of lives her famous 'Noah's Ark' pepper soup had saved from the interminable frustrations of modern day Nigeria, she'd probably contest for office; LGA Chairman or something.
Lesser folks have been known to rule us in greater offices!


Anyway, this night was no exception and the usual lively ruckus associated with places of ethanol worship as this was already brewing.
The music blaring from the back speakers was one that took me to a time of less responsibility and pressure.
A time of 20Naira gala, 25Naira Coke and 100Naira to a Dollar!

'All the Hausa girls,
Ibo girls,
Even Yoruba girls dem...................................'


Ahh! Like a debt conveniently forgotten, the name of the artiste kept escaping me but the rhythm did its work of shuffling me ever closer to the bar.

His name is Ollie Gee by the way. Song; Daddy Moh!

But as I got close to the bar proper, I noticed the  ruckus was a bit more rowdy than usual and I could clearly see a fairly large crowd gathered bang in the centre of the pub over a seemingly dying man.

The man was so skinny, you'd wonder where any catfish with an iota of self esteem would stay.
Apparently, this self respecting piece of fish bone was stuck in his throat and the poor fella was flailing his arms and gasping for breath like the folks at the Rock called Aso drowning in corruption!

''Okoli, 'match' the 'stomuch' '' roared a  loud voice from the back.
''I say press this man belle well well''
''Mama Nkechi, is like ya customer haf swallow bone oh'' bellowed the man, though still apparently more interested in the aquatic captive on his plate than for his dying comrade-at-the-bottles!

Luckily for the man, God and a few well practiced compressions to his tummy by the bar's owner ensured the offending piece of bone was dislodged from his wind pipe and all was on its way to been well with the world again!

''Nne, you won't believe it! This same thing do me for 1983 for one joint for Owerri like that!!!'' The fellow who we had all come to know as Hygenius, recounted to Mama Nkechi as he slowly made his way up.

''That time Buhari just pursue Shagari commot for office. In fact Nne, na around this December time sef!''

''Bros Hygenius, this same Buhari wey Twitter say wan contest next 'yeah' so?'' Asked a young man, who couldn't have been a day older than sixteen from the front.

At this point, I'd like to be socially correct and pretend the young fella was sipping on a cold bottle of Fanta but unless in the midst of the fish brouhaha, Fantas now came in large green bottles, I'd say we all, in the revered words of Oristsefemi, let the boy ''Spend his money any way he likes it oh''

''Yes my brother! This same Buhari! Dem fit never born your papa sef that time.''
''As him neck thin now, na so him neck thin that time!''
''One naira, Buhari no thief!''


At this point, Mama Nkechi who usually was more interested in ensuring nobody drank a free bottle 'on her head'  joined the discussion.
''No be lie Hygenius, I remember that time well''
''As Buhari dey fight corruption among politicians dem, na so he dey fight indiscipline for the country.''
''Dem no born ya Papa make you no queue for Bus-Stop!''
The entire bar rattled in agreement, at least those old enough to remember.

Just as the din was settling, a slow rattling noise filled the room. It was the sound of Prof, a sinewy elderly man better known at the bar for his taste in girls so young, they were probably not born when he last had a working set of molars, trying to get up with his cane.

''It seems you all have had your memories of Buhari obfuscated by the denudation that time inevitably brings.'' he started impressively but ultimately meaninglessly.

''This Buhari you all herald as a champion of discipline and anti-corruption was nothing but a dictator who hounded politicians and dissidents into the gulag and had his military boys harass ordinary Nigerians into obedience by floggings, executions and frog jumps on the streets!'' he continued.


By God, I could tell from the poorly timed exclamations around the bar that half the patrons did not have the vaguest idea what the elderly gentleman just said.

He could as well have told us all to go take a nap on one of Reno Omokri's much touted GEJ trains for all we cared!

You seen the train? Me neither.

''Do we still have corruption and indiscipline today?''
''Did his much touted economic policies of Buharism work?''
''Apart from failed abductions and extraditions did he achieve anything to gain us international acclaim?'' Prof kept at it never the less.

These were strong words and the Cathedral fell silent as I had never heard in my many years of worship.

We all looked at each other for a response to Prof's very true words and we were all dumbfouned.

But as Aristotle once wisely said ' they're looking for the formula, from here down to South Africa........" or was it Don Jazzy?
Anyway, in life sometimes, where the answer or should we say the formula arises from may be as confounding as the problem!

'Okoli press the stomuch' had taken time to look up from his plate with a look of deep contemplation and spoke.
'But Sir, could we also argue'' he began, in  diction so refined that our earlier thoughts that a good portion of his brain lay in his pot belly may have been unfounded after all.

''Could we also argue, that enough time was not given to allow his economic policies bear fruit and indeed in the short term, we witnessed a marked improvement in the behaviour and indeed public composure of Nigerians?''

''Would it be a lie to say that in his time as the Petroleum Trust Fund (PTF) Chairman, evidence of this fund's influence was seen across the country unlike a certain unsure SURE-PEE?''

''More importantly has anyone pointed an accusatory finger of corruption at the good General in all these years?''

''In these difficult times, is this not the sort of leader we need?''

''And please spare me the Islamist propaganda!'' he ended.



''Mama Nkechi.! Mama Nkechi!! Mama Nkechi!!! Give this man stout! I say give this man one big stout!!!!'' yelled the teenage boy as the entire pub broke into 'hmms' and 'ahhhhsss' at 'Okoli's' oration.

As this point, it dawned on us and indeed Mama Nkechi that we still had a grossly under aged boy in our midst at an ungodly hour.

''Oya, Chibuzor come dey go house! Ya Mama don dey fine you!''

Face tired and with drunken legs barely able to hold his weight, the boy staggered to his feet and on his way out quipped '' Mama Nkechi, he be like say Bros Hygenius ( of swallowed bone fame) no dey breath again. Is like your customer haf die oh!!!!!!!!!!''.

No wonder he's been quiet for a while!

P.S: The FlipOut Corner is still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod and still does not hold an opinion and  loves all the candidates.

The man who saw tomorrow;Ayo Fayose and the Rice of the PDP!

For those familiar with the machinations(Somebody get me Konga.com NOW NOW!A bottle of their finest hair gel for Pastor Kris Okotie) of this blog,you probably are used to this by now.
Me disappearing for weeks on end without writing jack squat or writing something as unsatisfactory as a Patience Jonathan W.A.E.C English essay might have been.
Might have been I say.
You never know with these things.
Its just like when stutterers sing fluently.
For all we know,little Miss Patience might have been a little Ikwerre Shakespeare.
Writing ballards and shit!

Tell them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most times its easy and convenient to blame the absence on work pressure from other sources but truth be told,half the time I just run short on ideas.
No matter how much I cajole the brain to function,it just comes back emptier than Etcetera's music awards gallery.
Etce who??????????????
As my mother would say,na so dem dey ask person!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, writing about the continous cycle of bombs,raids and deaths in Nigeria gets disheartening real quick.
And as myself and other delegates in the 'Garden of Happiness' parliament suggested earlier this week,only if we could get Tiwa Savage to go easy on the make-up.
The girl wears enough make-up to bring peace to the Middle East or at the very least,Borno State!
Any road,the elections in Ekiti state about two weeks back caught my eye.
And if my stunning looks does not give away he fact that I'm an Ekiti man,I wonder what will?
Against all expectation,Ayo Fayose,the once accused phantom poultry farmer,was once again elected governor.
I had the opportunity of watching Mr Fayose storm to the Ekiti State Government house in the early years of democracy till he ran 'fowl' of the law and was deposed.
His method was simple.
While his opponents serenaded the crowd with promises of high sped rail,Wi-fi coverage and flying cars,he simply did the needful.
He identified a need and filled it.
At the time,Ekiti State was suffering a water supply shortage that would have made the Israelite wilderness travails seem like a day in the life of Davido!
He simply hired water tankers and supplied towns and villages with water free to villagers who had been left to trekking to streams for their supplies like a bunch of confused young girls in a Nollywood movie.
By the way, a word for those girls.
If by now you do not know that the village rapist usually chills by the foot path to the stream then you probably don't know shit!
So Mr Fayose went from hamlet to village to town distributing water.
And as absurd as this may sound,somewhere at the back of the mind of the voters they probably felt that if he could distribute water as a candidate,as Governor,they would surely have water flowing into their homes and maybe even one of those Japanese toilets that supposedly splash some water on your behind once you done.
We all know what happened after he got into office don't we?
Its all water under the proverbial bridge now though.
So,when pictures  of the PDP distributing mini-bags of rice to the people surfaced  on the Internet just before this round of elections,it was obvious he was simply trying a tried and tested pattern.
I mean,if something worked for you in the past,why change it?
Except if you're Cabo-Snoop of course.

Those skinny jean only take you so far bro!

Any change,Fayose seemed to have identified the crippling poverty and hunger facing the people.
Not just in Ekiti but across the length and breadth of this country and chose to pick on it this time around.
Contrary to what they might tell you,a hungry man is very rarely an angry man.
Confused,docile,amenable to easy manipulation and generally willing to sell his birthright more like.

At least Esau's was cooked already.This one's will still buy oil,pepper and Maggi!

Fayose had and still has no plans for Ekiti development but he won  in a landslide.
And that hurts.
For a state once revered for having more professors than all the high school graduates put together in Sokoto State..................................Sorry...............Hold on one second...................Mr Commissioner for Education Sokoto on the line?.............Hello.............Those are 1962 figures you say?..................Ehen?
Seriously though,the opposition needs to know that beyond development and infrastructure,politics of the belly is also vital.
You need to satisfy peoples short term needs to have them believing in your long term goals.
No amount of flower planting can placate a hungry man.
Except their edible flowers though.
There's another election coming up in Osun State and Iyiola Omisore the PDP candidate in between mouthfuls of corn seems to be borrowing a leaf from the Fayose Ekiti playbook

Only in the Third World would this men be contesting for public position.

If Asiwaju Tinubu and the APC do not want to lose their stranglehold on the SouthWest,I can only urge them to in the immortal words of Lax ft Wizkid...........
Ginger oh...................
Ginger................
Ginger oh.................
Ginger.............

P.S: the flipside of life is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigerian letter writers and Mr Coker!

God bless Mr Coker wherever he may be in this caustic land of obese leaders and famished citizens.
He was my English teacher way back in Secondary School;that's High school for my numerous fans in Obama's country and the many wannabes on the Island.
I love you all by the way.
Versace,Versace everything for you in 2014!
Anyways,in between talking through his nose and squinting through his horn-rimmed glasses,I,the poor boy from the Primary school with two teachers, a security guard who also doubled as the P.E  instructor and a headmistress who owned the barbing salon upstairs, hardly ever understood much of what Mr Coker said in class but damn could the brother teach "Letter writing"!
Coker could write a letter to the Devil and still know if it were appropriate to start things of with a gently worded Dear Sir or just keep it on the informal down low.
Of my numerous distinctions in the School leaving exams(---------------------long space to fill in your unwanted and ultimately disregarded disbelief------------------------------------------------------) my A1 in English Language was my most cherished.
So that's why on reading the Obasenjos' letters I could come to only two logical conclusions;
a)Coker was right.A day would indeed come when I had to actually use the idiom "Pot calling someone else black!"
and
b)Neither of them had Mr Coker as an English teacher.
Which is a pity if I must say.
I have to be honest,as I always am,though God and a few people I know might disagree.
I haven't actually finished either letter.
Don't get me wrong,I started but in between trying to give my very best at work in another failing sector of public service and actually being eternally grateful that I even have a job in this barely floating ship of a country,there's really little energy left for someone else's family squabble.
And such poorly written letters by the way,that much Mr Coker taught me!
If people like Chief Alex Ekwueme or Mallam Nuhu Ribadu decide to pick up their pens and scribble their thoughts  for us all to share,aside from the obviously more enjoyable tenses we can surely expect and the surely more pleasing pictures of those good folks published alongside the letters,we would be digesting the letters looking up,with the words pouring down from the altar of dignity and not creeping up like a stream of deceit from a pig farm somewhere in Ogun State!
Dear OBJ, 'in case you don't,in case you don't,in case you don't know, know', as my good friend Harrisong would say, Corruption was just as widespread in 1999.

Better pikin.........ahn....you be like your papa pikin!(Harrisong,naughty you!)

With Legislators buying furniture for obscene amounts like wood was going out of fashion and Nigerian carpenters were queueing up to join the war in Afghanistan.
Unemployment was just as rampant with the only difference being that at least PhD holders now have a shot at 'tanker' driving jobs and their daughters and wives have a wider array of beaches,hotels and bars to prostitute these days while they are away.
That reminds me by the way.
'Elegushi loading' is baccccccccccccccck y'all.
After 6 months of idling and rotting away like Stella's BMW's,Nigerian students have finally being released from the clutches of their parents and thrown back unto the streets they've made their home in recent years!
Even ASUU knows they'd be no proper Xmas celebration without our dear Nigerian university girls.
Our dear letter writing ex-president should also remember that there was a protracted ASUU strike action at the beginning of his tenure.
I did not celebrate 2 birthdays,3 Xmas' and watch an Orange tree grow fully in my backyard all in one academic year because I had nothing better doing!
It is a fact that cannot be disguised that the amount of impunity,corruption and insecurity in the land in the last 24-36 months has reached obscene proportions,almost like the gold piece on the neck of Ayo'jacob the jeweler' Oristejafor but every man,woman and indeed child that has held office in this great country cannot be exempt from blame.

This could have saved you a thousand words OBJ.And spared us from having to read it!

Picking up a pen and writing an epistle like a bored Apostle Paul on one of his numerous journeys of self-redemption along a bumpy road from Damascus to God-knows-where cannot absolve you of blame!
 Infact,watching all the utensils in the PDP kitchen calling each other all shades of black has really cracked me up this festive period.
You guys have been a hoot and a half,I must say!
As for Aunty Iyabo,I did not read yours to be honest!
Daddy issues are meant for a shrink's sofa!
And this is Nigeria,doctors are so poorly paid or completely unpaid that you could get a session for two bars of soap,a bag of salt and an ice-cold Chivita!
Just don't go writing a letter about it afterwards.
 P.S:The flipside of life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Adam in the Garden of Edo!

First of,the name is Adam not Adams;its a first name Your Excellency!
Just had to get that off my chest!
The elections in Edo have come and gone.
After months of campaign,name smearing,threats ,counter threats and assassinations,Governor Adams(you've got to call a man whatever he calls himself)Oshiomole was returned unanimously in an embarrassingly one sided contest to the Government House Benin City.
His work and achievements spoke as loud and clear as a coherently incoherent Kris Okotie sermon.
Tales abound in the media of the wondrous things the Comrade Governor was doing the Land of the Oba.
Roads built,schools built and upgraded,hospitals renovated and equipped.The peoples money working for the people and not used for grooming moustaches.

Did this moustache not hint the Edo people?

Oshiomole is a man short in stature but extremely large of heart.
But Gov. Adam might have had his work simplified for him by the charlatans in power before him.
If all he had done in the four years of his first term was to plant one hibiscus flower at the entrance to the state,he would still have been branded a hero and overachiever by the people.
Such was the ineptitude of the Lucky Igbinedion(the previous governor)Administration!
People still say in Benin City,that if all Lucky had done in his 8 years was to come out every morning and dance for them in the village square,the effort would have been appreciated.

GO LUCKY!GO LUCKY!!GO LUCKY!!!

Instead,all they got was 8 years of stagnation,poverty and dilapidated roads.
It is on record that not one road was built in Benin City,except those leading to his and his father's of course, in those locust years.
But today is not about the past and what the locust has eaten.
Its about the present and the future.
Its about a man who has successfully combined leadership with serving.
A man who has brought back pride to a people.
When Edo State is mentioned now,the talk is more about development and less about deported  workers *wink wink*

You couldn't have been this shy on the streets of Milan!

No one man can change the system or Nigeria but Adams Oshiomole would rather be damned than not try.