Nigerian Poli-thievians, gate jumping and a worried Christian God!

I'm not sure what the percentage of Nigerian law makers are Christian but the Christian God must be a very worried being wherever he/she/it (trying really hard to be gender sensitive here) is right about now.

We've read the bible.
We've heard the jokes.
We all assume to know that interrogation at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter is a major process in getting into heaven.

We've still not made up our minds though, on if there's a list where the names of the holy few like yours holily would be read out from or if the video of all our past transgressions would be played via high speed heavenly Internet on a wide screen iPad!

I'm just hoping Gen. Sani Abalcha got to the gates with those dark goggles because the end of his own video would be very strange to say the least.
Very very somehow if I must say.

I'm just gonna say I'm not always that way, Pete!

Anyway, if we're to believe the tales, nobody gets past those gates without a good grilling about their deeds in this world.

So, events in Abuja, Nigeria, in the last 24hrs must have caused a right old storm in the comfy confines of heaven!
Watching pot-bellied old men in starched 'Agbadas' and crisp suits scale the gates of the National Assembly Complex like, as the kids would say, 'Itz nothing', must have set off alarm bells.

If heaven is anything like Nigeria, by now, a committee to look into both the 'remote and close' possibilities of these sprightly Nigerian Poli-thievians scaling the Pearly Gates would have been set up!

Abeg warn those Nigerians. IF WE HEAR!!!!!

On  a more serious note (which I'm assuming is -La. -Re and -Mi seem so much more lively, don't you think?), the events at the National Assembly Complex yesterday should be enough to make anyone with even the most vestigial inclination of civility cringe in horror!

In Covenant University English, 'It was like, so totally shocking!'.

The sight of riot-ready police men, spraying canisters of tear gas on the hallowed grounds of Nigerian Legislature left not only a lot to be desired but was a dark mark on democracy as a process and a whole!

It tells us the extent certain folks presently resident at the Rock in Abuja are willing to go to sit tight in office beyond 2015.
The action gives us an insight into their minds and thought process and the picture, just like a butt naked Kim Kardashian, is far from pretty.

But then, as my god friend Bekibele Brume , the Chancellor of Olomu land and the visiting Ambassador from Canada, Romania and the whole of Eastern Europe to Nigeria would say, 'Na see-finish make squirrel climb hunter for forest, call am tree!'

I seriously doubt that the Police and it's executive backers at the Rock have had the audacity to attack the complex in such a brazen manner, if the house was hitherto composed of men and women of impeccable character.

Seeing these so-called Honourables jump gates like petty criminals only serves to buttress my point.

When members of his constituency asked him to take democracy to greater heights, I'm not too sure he totally understood!

 The Nigerian Police could have added dry pepper and Calabar beans to the tear gas for all I care but we must always strive to protect democracy but to make our cry about individuals, be it GEJ or Tambowal, would be a gross disservice.

Where do we go from here?
I'm thinking Cold Stone, to get a bowl of my favourite 'Strawberry blond' ice cream mix but since we are in a period of austerity according to Madam Co-ordinating Minister, maybe not.

So instead where we go from here is probably where we've gone already. Getting on the internet, radio, television, newspapers and letting people know that you cannot attack symbols of democracy to satisfy primal desires.

Maybe they listen, maybe they don't but lets spare a thought for the engineers frantically working at the Pearly Gates as we speak trying to fortify it from these sprightly Nigerian Poli-thievians!

P.S: The Flipside of Life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod.

2015: Nigerian politicians and the Alaga Ibile Complex!(Mo fe lowo ju Daddy mi!)

*Note: some understanding of Nigerian Pidgin English and contemporary culture is needed to understand this work of absolute non-art of mine. Thank you*
 
For some unfortunate reason, I don't seem to know anyone in  Nigerian politics.

Apologies to Uncle Ade Alasco, the Chairman of the Sub-committee on Market Affairs in my village ward.
I see you oh but we talking international money here!

As I was saying, for some reason, no close friend of mine or close friend of my father or even my pastor is or close to anyone in power.
Even if the contract to dey fuel Pastor private jet no dey again, I fit dey escort the plane go South Africa once in a while......................................................................

Anyway, beyond watching the exotic lifestyle of these privileged few and their cohorts from a non- participatory distance, a major fantasy of mine has always been trying to guess the songs booming through the speakers of those luxurious BMW's and Mercedes' used as official cars for these official looters.

Putting myself in the shoes of the drivers of these executive men of means, I would want the first song I dish out as we start the day to be one that totally puts him and his pot belly at complete ease.

No politician wants Idris Abdulkarim's 'Nigeria Jaga Jaga" barking at him in his own car!

Tufia! What's that!!!!!!

I'm going to assume, its Nigerian, and going through all the contemporary Nigerian songs in my head over and over, only one song fits the bill.

Just imagine a Godswhile Akpabion (lovely stadium by the way, Oga Goddy), all regally decked in the backseat, cheeks rosy and shiny enough to be seen from the International Space Station, A.C on 20 degrees, (na poor man wey never acclimatise to good life dey use 16 degrees), and the gentle sonorous whispers  of  'Everything is nice...........the party's banging..............the time is right............ I see the money coming.....' wafting from the Bose speakers!

It just feels natural!

It just has to be.

It's the tail end of 2014 and it's three months or so to another festival of thieves and looters also known as General Election 2015.

For the last four years, these custodians of our mandate and automatically our collective purse have ensconed themselves in multi-million naira homes and fed fat on multi billion naira diets which I can only assume includes the Shaki and Edo (not to be mistaken with that beautiful  state in the deep South of Nigeria by the Owan River) of Alaskan bears because pepper rice, moin-moin and dodo at Mama Rauf a.ka 'Mama Rice-ing to the occasion', barely sets me back 250 bucks!

Nna, na advise dem dey advise person oh!

In the last four years, they've not had reason to go home, bone tired, but still have to pull on and kick  their barely gasping ELEPAQ generators at least 17 and half times before it starts.

That half is when, totally soaked in sweat, you barely pull on the machine and it gives this spluttering sound and you pull the 'choke' to the very extreme end and force the poor engine to work!

Nope, they haven't experienced all these in a while.

Instead, they've become accustomed to been addressed to as 'Your Excellency', 'Your Highness' and 'Chairman' for so long, that life before and beyond the present is impossible for them to imagine.

They've had people like Davido, Kcee and Kwam1 wax their praise in songs that they've forgotten that even Goliath had a praise song back in the day.

The common man on the other hand, in our eagerness to rid ourselves of 15 years of striking poverty and insecurity foisted on us by an apparently clueless ruling party, may find ourselves rushing into the arms of the opposition in the name of 'Change'.
May our case not be like the wife who ran from an emotionally cold husband and found herself in the warm embrace of a man who can only consummate love from behind!.

I honestly have no idea where that analogy came from but I'm just gonna move on and assume you get my drift.

Be it PDP, APC, Labour Party or even the one that has a cock as its emblem........erm.........erm........erm
Nna remind me na?
APGA?
 Yes, APGA!!!!!!!!!!
Irrespective of party, if you presently have a president or governor who for every pothole he fills or hospital without doctors he builds, puts up a billboard with a picture of himself smiling like a recently satisfied he-goat, then you my friend, are suffering  from been led by a leader with an Alaga Ibile Complex.

Just remember that in 2015, to cast your vote for candidate, irrespective of party, with good antecedents in public and indeed private life as a guide.

As Reminisce, the official Alaga Ibile himself wisely put it, ' Inu laomo, oju la ri'.  You only see the face not the intention!

P.S; The Flipout corner and it's two followers are still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod