Ogbono feli feli!

Money and women,the two things to devour bonds of  male friendship
                                                  -One particularly wise looking guy in a particularly dull movie I once saw.
Ever since Don Jazzy and his hyper-active sidekick D'banj a.k.a Skibanj a.k.a Capella a.k.a that skinny dude with the over-sized ego and under-sized head first came into our consciousness in 2005 with the ridiculously titled album 'No Long Thing' and the equally retardedly named single Tongolo,it was always a matter of when and not if,concerning the break up of the immensely successful duo.

2005!The hunger days.

They single handedly gave Nigeria and maybe Africa its first truly successful music clique.In Wande Coal and Dr Sid,they had able deputies,artistes with talent and panache.And in K-switch and D'prince,they had two knuckle heads,buffoons just along for the ride.But then,every successful crew needs no-hopers like that.Just ask the Black Eyed Peas!

Hmmm,Will.I.Am,Fergie,Hmmmm

When the rumors started filtering in early in the year about the impending divorce-Dbanj has repeatedly referred to their union as a marriage-most people put it down to the usual social media gossip,like the immensely popular one about Tu-face's periodic death(You guys really need to drop that one.A brother can only die so many times.Move on!)
But as one increasingly vulgar and classless e-mail after another started appearing and getting 'leaked',it was obvious that these previous love birds were about to wash their proverbial undies in public!
One party obviously feels he has the talent to break into the international market and the other party is being a bit more more cautious and ultimately,more realistic.
 You can only repeat ten words in a whole song for so long Mr D'banj!
Personally,losing sleep over the break up of two young men who have made billions of Naira over the last seven odd years at my expense is not an option.
Nah!
This has been the union of a blind man and a deaf man.
The combination of the energy- lacking Don Jazzy plus the talent-lacking D'banj was indeed a winning ticket.
Only time will tell who gets knocked down by a moving vehicle first!

But really,Fashola!(BRF)

'These doctors are greedy'.'These doctors are wicked and callous'.'Did they beg them to study medicine?'
That was the general tone of the conversation of three pot-bellied,bald headed,middle aged men on the table adjacent mine at the neighbourhood watering hole a.k.a beer parlour on a lovely evening some days back.
Apart from the obvious fact that these men ought to be in their homes attending to their wives and children,they also seemed to have an obvious disregard for the fact that their youth had passed them by a long time ago as they struggled ceaselessly to breath in their body hugging T-shirts.
The more painful fact was the sentiment being expressed against Lagos doctors by the enthralled spectating public.
Strike actions should indeed not be an option in negotiating disputes in the health sector of civilised environments.
Lives are lost,families destroyed and destinies altered.
But then,neither does this happen there!

.
It is indeed a case of 'When in Rome'.
I doubt if any doctor would sit in his home with legs crossed on his coffee table and say 'Thank God,we are on strike.That man on bed 208 with the bad breath must have died by now!'.
These people devote their entire lives,endanger their health and well being to bring health,succour and joy to the lives of millions.And they do it with a willing heart.
A strike action must have indeed been a weighty stone on the heart.
In deciding to sack the striking Lagos doctors,the Governor has shown an acute disregard for a noble breed.
An acute disregard for agreements signed.
And an acute disregard for democracy!
The issues at hand are plainly on the table for all those who choose to see without sentiment tinted spectacles.

Now that we've spent billions on that birthday,can we now please sack the doctors!

As I continued caressing my bottle of Malta Guinness while enjoying the increasingly animated conversation beside me,I noticed the shortest of the men starting to breath heavily and cough.It was obvious a piece of Nkwobi had lodged in his abnormally large throat.
I could only mutter to myself as I watched him gasp for breath,'This strike no go kill person oh!'

Wise men from the east!

In Matthew2:1-12,we were told an astonishing story of men from the east who brought gifts for the birth of the baby Jesus.
Those,ladies and gentlemen,boys and girls,criminals and politicians,were the good old days.
Or are they?The gifts seem to keep coming in amazing and comical fashion from the east,especially from Nollywood!
I have the absolute honor and pride of having been an avid follower of Nollywood in the good old days of Liz Benson,RMD,the old Olu Jacobs(not the one acting now and making a mockery of everything good and holy on God's green earth).When films like Violated and Taboo stood out and still stand out as classics.When what you needed to be on the small screen was massive talent and good looks and not massive breasts, a damn near disgusting accent(see Tontoh) and an eastern name!

We'd be better off if she just kept kept quiet in movies and let her breasts do the acting.

I have over the years tactfully avoided all things Nollywood in other to save the rest of my I.Q not yet eroded away by Nigerian politicians and the Lagos sun.
I have painfully kept quiet while seeing posters of films like 'Beyonce and Rihanna' 'Tear my Bra' 'Who park that yansh'.

I'm guessing there's a part in the movie when the heroine begs the hero to tear her bra?

When monetary considerations overtake artistic intent,you will always end up with such rubbish.
Our brothers from Iweka Road have not only demeaned the movie industry but they've spat on it.
There's a talent pool beyond your brother,cousin,nephew and their friends.
Anyways,I had since accepted that the standards in Nollywood could not possibly fall any lower until I came across the poster of 'Avatar and Ben 10'.
Right there on the steering wheel,I had a strong urge to weep.Not a gentle leaking of tears but a strong manly wail.The type not seen since Taribo West cried at the World Cup;that,ladies and gentlemen,was an ugly man!

An urgent realisation must be made that film-making is an art and not just a means to an end.
Its not like importing fake drugs or electronics.
It's not clearing and forwarding.
It's not a joke.

Okafor!This one odikwa somehow oh!

Okonjo-Wahala!

As with all things Nigerian,we have all proven to be as unreliable as a Skye bank ATM.
I remember vividly during a  a hot sunny period in February,at the height of the fuel subsidy brouhaha,when Mrs Okonjo-Iweala was the most hated figure in Nigeria.Some even went as far as circulating unprintable things about her on the internet.
But today,you would be excused to think she was the fore-runner of the second coming of Christ,a modern day John the Baptist or Joan the Baptist if you like.
I'm guessing little Miss Ngozi Okonjo back then in Ogwashi-Ukwu village,when she was walking the narrow path that led to the village stream;like millions of young Nigeriams of her generation,present generations and as will millions of young Nigerians for generations to come;did not have the slightest inkling that she would one day be vying for the position of World Bank President,the number one financial institution in the world.

Little Ngo.

Well..........................to be honest,little Ngo never walked down a village path,never had to go the stream and neither did she play half naked at the village square.Infact she probably had slaves and servants doing all that for her as a princess of Ogwaashi-Ukwu kingdom and all.

I'm guessing she never really looked like this!

Raised by well off and overly educated parents,Madam Co-ordinating Minister of the Economy's path to greatness had been set from the cradle.As it should rightly be!
Magna cum laude(with great honour) Harvard University,1977.Post graduate study Massachusetts(hope y'all can spell it now) Institute of Technology,1981,speaks volumes of not only an accomplished upbringing but a brilliant,analytical and scholarly mind.
She has indeed set a new landmark for young Nigerians and truly serves as an inspiration to millions who have over the last decade had only corrupt politicians,inept musicians and illiterate footballers to admire.

I loved Showkey Baba though.Still do.

She wont win though*straight face*.
So,we can as well get that out of the way.
I wont bore you with international conspiracy and how there's an unwritten agreement that the US candidate always gets the job.This blog is dedicated solely to all things non-educative.If you want knowledge,get your ass off twitter and go watch CNN.

Can these Nigerians just give it a rest!

 So,for the professional psychophants and praise singers out there already composing congratulatory messages in major newspapers nationwide,even if she does win,she no fit give una loan or job for World Bank oh.Dem no get branch for Bode Thomas!
But to even be considered for such a great office is indeed an honour,And a great one at that.

Lagos!

As they entered the city via the Alausa-Magodo axis,you could see their pupils dilate at the well tarred roads of Alausa and wonderful mansions of Magodo and the MKO gardens.It was exactly what they had been told back in the village!

Lagos,the land of dreams.Where money not only grows on trees but the trees walked to your house,shaked their branches and the naira notes just fall on your laps.Where the god of fortune had so blessed people,that he turned them mad!
You can just feel the excitement in the air as they chat animatedly in their Ekenedilichukwu buses and cattle lorries about how they were not in Lagos to count bridges but for the real thing.

You drive by in your car or fly by in a bus driven by a drunk,near mad Ibadan man,shaking your head,knowing fully well that a large chunk of them would end up sleeping under those same bridges they did not come to count!
A city hot and stiffling like no other.
A city of half a million rich and 19 and half million wretched.
A city where if the stress does not kill you,the aboki motorcyclist would most certainly try.
True,the life is good on the Island and certain parts of the mainland.
True!
But they dont call it an Island for nothing,many sink trying to get there!
Lagos is not about the few making millions but the millions trying to make it.

As Nnamdi drops from his luxurious bus at Maza Maza,he knows there is something horribly wrong.Gone are the luxurious flats and well tarred roads.Welcome smelly gutters,crammed Danfos and half naked children rolling tyres.
As he hears the bus conductor shouting fervently"LASU,Iyana-Iba,two lucky yansh",he knows in his heart say he don enter one chance!

Yellow Card!

Try as we may to show national pride and insist on our decency as human beings,you and I know that the majority of Nigerians who reside outside the country are engaged in activities that would make their mothers shiver!
Little wonder the South African authorities about 3weeks ago decided to deport a few hundred Nigerians on the excuse of possession of dubious yellow cards.

Bloody Nigerians.And stay out!

The reaction in Nigeria was as expected filled with self righteous anger.
'Who do they think they are?'
'What do they mean?'
'If not for condition,can South Africa stand to Nigeria?'
And more bull shit in that line.
For those who dont know,a stamped yellow card means the holder has been duly vaccinated against yellow fever and other ailments.
For those who dont know,and for the majority of you that know,a yellow card can be stamped for 500 naira at any local government area office in Nigeria without as much as going there talk more of  receiving a vaccination.
So,instead of addressing our faults,we,in true Nigerian fashion,deported a roughly equal amount of South Africans.
I can just the imagine the blessed joy on the face of the South Africans on the day they were being deported;knowing fully well that at least 90% of them are in Nigeria because of work transfers and not out of any divine pleasure at witnessing the many fantastic tourist attractions that Birnin-Kebbi has to offer*Eyes rolling*.

A dancing South African on hearing of his deportation!

 
A truce was reached eventually,only God knows why.I would have gladly continued the exchange of deportees if I were in South Africa's shoes;Damn good looking shoes for that matter!
The United Kingdom deported a number of Nigerians about a week after the South African incident.
I guess we are still buying aviation fuel for the Arik Air flight that will deport British Nationals!*Eyes rolling once again* 

Ibori goes to jail!

If only Onoura Nzekwu,author of the celebrated novel 'Eze goes to school' was still young enough to write,this indeed would be a worthy title for the current travails of His 'Excellency' the former governor of Delta State.
The self acclaimed Governor-General of the Niger Delta,the Ogidigbodigbo of Africa, who was tried for the same offences in Nigeria and found not guilty has suddenly been struck by the hands of remembrance and pleaded guilty in a London court.

Ibori in his prime was a colossus on the political landscape.A man of means and a king maker.
He had a beautiful wife,Nkoyo or Nyoko or Konyoko(I could never wrap my head round the correct spelling of her name but I'm guessing a misspelt name is the least of her worries now).
He also had a beautiful mistress.We wont dignify her by mentioning her name,misspelt or not.
They are both currently whiling away at the pleasure of the British government at the Holloway prison,North London.

Nope,the dude ain't the mistress!

And his sister too. Talk about birds and their feathers!SMH!
It is estimated that Ibori and his cohorts stole an estimated $3 billion from the treasury of the Delta state government which is believed to have gone into purchasing various luxury estates,jets,cars,a petrol refinery,an airline,you know,the basic amenities that makes life simple!
The tale of Ibori should not just be one for the history books.Herein lies a precautionary tale for present and aspiring politicians.While you amass all the wealth and deprive young children from basic education,pregnant women from adequate health care,citizens from jobs.Always remember one thing.NEVER RUN TO DUBAI OR THE UK!Lady Justice still exists in those countries.