Nigeria:Too poor to be Gay!(happy)

Somewhere in Lagos,on a hot,humid evening at a bar down the road,the flipout corner chose to take a break.
This particular watering hole was where the young ones come to cool off after another predictably hard day in the never ending urban rat race.
Here,the major attractions contradict themselves;the drinks are cold and the women are hot!
Eyes tired,ties loosened,high heels replaced with more comfortable flats and Chidinma's 'Emi ni Baller' blaring through the speakers in an attempt to reinvigorate flagging spirits.
Unfortunately,it was the remix and we had to bear the tedium of Wizkid's mumblings for about two minutes but all in all it was turning out to be a good night.
Bang in the centre of the room,a group was gradually becoming the focus of attraction.
The topic was one that,depending on your side of the divide,could get you imprisoned in modern day Nigeria or on the obverse,could get you denied an entry visa at major Western embassies.

You 'happy'? If you no 'happy',no entry!

There were three main actors.
A twenty-something year old man;suave,complete with his suit and really expensive 'looking' shoes and swinging the keys to his apparently newly bought(with a work place loan I'm sure) Toyota something-something so wildly for all to see that you could feel the wind emanating from  the swing at the back of the room!
There were no prices or scholarships offered for guessing he was a Lagos banker.
The second guy had the worn out look of a guy in his mid-thirties,down on his luck and who increasingly wonders if it's too late to swim to Europe and wash dishes like his friend Ikenna did ten years ago.
Ikenna is a Chief in the village now mind you!
Don't ask me how I know,I just do!
All of a sudden we are punctuated by the sonorous voice of Sean Tizzle dishing out his usual dose of 4 or 5 lines in a song but damn does 'Mama Eh' make it sound good.
The third guy?You know what?I really don't know.
The guy could have trekked down from the Mainland for all I care.
Gradually, we all drop our drinks,shift our gazes surreptitiously to where the conversation was emanating from and had our eyes trained on our smart phones with all seriousness like we were chatting with the guy about to find a cure for Cancer.

Lagos Banker : .....................Are you really saying there are no gay people in Nigeria?

Worn out Guy : Exactly! It's not part of our culture.There are no homosexuals in this country.That's what they were called when I was growing up!

Lagos Banker : You don't say! When I was growing up, they were called thieves, now they're just called Politicians.
That's not the point anyway.Being gay is not something you decide, it's not a choice. They don't.........

Worn-Out Guy : Come,come,come!!!!!!! Don't just go there.My friend,don't go there at all.
What do you mean? Have you ever seen a he-goat or a he-dog sleep with another male?
(Turns to 3rd guy) Abi,what do you think?

3rd Guy : Yes,Yes I agree with you.

Lagos Banker : Are we now animals.I thought our highly developed brains took us above that level.
Being gay or as you crudely refer to it,homosexual,is not a disease. It's something you're born with.

Worn-Out Guy : What Medical School did you finish from again sef?

Lagos Banker : I'm not a doctor. I'm a ban....................

Worn-Out Guy : Exactly! So don't give me a lecture on what you don't know.


--------------------------GOAL--------------------------------------------
          (There goes Manchester United losing another game)

Worn-Out guy : Let's not copy things we don't understand.Because a couple of you have returned after one year doing a Masters degree at a University in London or America, not bigger than my one-room apartment.........sorry, I mean my three bedroom flat,you think you can bring all sorts of rubbish back here!

Lagos banker : Don't you think you're being discriminatory? Does this not take you back to the time of slavery in the West? Or the period of Apartheid in South Africa? Are you not inferring that gay people are less human than you?
And are you not in the least bit worried about our perception in global politics with this Anti-Gay bill?
(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or what do yo think?

3rd Guy : Hmmm.Hmmm. I agree with you.

Worn-Out Guy :First of all,we should never let perceptions cloud our judgements.
Russia and the United Arab Emirates have stricter Anti-Gay laws and yet Westerners and Nigerian 'activists' still flock to Dubai like a buch of PDP defectors to the APC!
And I see that we're having a history class now?
Does this not take you back to when homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness?
Do you wonder what paedophilia would be considered as in few years?


Lagos Banker : Come on!! Really!!! Really!!!!!!!! Are you comparing this to paedophilia? Really????

Worn-Out Guy : You know what? This story don dey too long. My bible and my Pastor do not support it.
End of story! If the Bible says no,then it's no. In fact,you should ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?"

(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or am I wrong?


3rd Guy : Sure,Sure.I agree with you.

(WHOLE BAR TURNING TO 3RD GUY AND SCREAMING IN UNISON) : You know what? Just shut up if you don't have a point to make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lagos Banker : I'm also a Christian and I don't think any religion supports it but we all do things our religions frown upon.
I mean,there's some good quality porn on your phone,sorry I checked,but I don't remember Jesus leading the disciples to 'The Slick" back in the day.

(History has it that 'The Slick' was the first fully commercialised strip joint in Galilee back in the day. True story. I swear!)


Worn-Out Guy : Erm,Erm....I don't know how that got there.Must have come with the phone!

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the fact is Pro-Gay activists look down on people who are in support of the bill as been primitive and crude but forget that cultures actually differ.
Western culture spits at polygamy,why should we not spit back?

Lagos Banker : I agree with you on that point and if it were a spitting contest I'd leave it at that but it's a battle between rights and culture and a forthright intellectual appreciation of both sides is neede......................

---------------------------------------------PHONE RINGS-------------------------------------------


Worn-Out Guy picks phone : Hey darling. I'll be home soon. Just working late.
The music in the background?
What music?
Oh................................the music!(giggling)
Funny story......someone came up with the idea at work that since 9ice was so redundant and cheap to hire these days,we could get him to amuse those of us working overtime.
Funny right!
Hello?
Hello?
Poor reception.
Home soon.

(Drops phone)

Gotta run guys.
(Turning to 3rd Guy)
Erm.......Ermmmmmmmm......Would have dropped you off but I'm not really going your way.

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd Guy : It's okay. I'll just trek back to the Mainland. It's cool this time of the night.

P.S: Follow @doctorrotcod on the twitter machine.

2013 in 13 paragraphs!

  2013 like all other years in Nigeria started with all sorts of declarations and mantras. People who had not stepped a foot in church all year had dp's and pm's filled with them; 'My year of Unrestrictable Increase'. 'My year of progress a.k.a All Enemies must Die! 'Who tie my goat?My Year of Breaking Free!' And it started really well to be fair. No New Year day bombings and electricity seemed,at least in Lagos anyway, to be on the up.
  But very much like Sunday Mba's performance at the Nations Cup,the air of expectation became too much for the people in power to handle and the rest of the year ended with a whimper almost as disappointing as Tiwa Savages' album 'Once Upon A Time'.You could tell she had good intentions but I'm not sure if it's all the free Pepsi she's been guzzling or just having to share a studio with Dr Sid,talentless people emit a bad vibe,you know!
  For a brief period though,we were still hopeful!Despite all the rumors of unmitigated corruption,oil theft and unhindered violence in parts of the country,we were still hopeful.But somewhere along the line it dawned on us,that like Wizkid's Bentley that has been 'coming sooner' for a while or 9ice's Grammys, hope was indeed a dangerous thing to have in present day Nigeria.
  Anyways,we adjusted.And as Nigerians,we did what Nigerians do best.Live with unfulfilled expectations and accept our stock in life.Little wonder D'banj came scurrying back to Nigeria.Brother went from packed shows in Europe at the start of the year to becoming a glorified wedding singer by year end.
  2013 also witnessed the re-rise of political jobbers like Doyin Okupe,the senior special adviser to the President on Public Affairs.Remember the kid in high school who always told incredible lies but you let him cos you wondered how someone could think such things up?Well Chief Okupe is that kid and 2013 rewarded him and folks like him to the hilt.
  I'm not complaining though.Politics as always been a game of convenience.You can only feel comfortable with house mates who let you eat from the pot;God Bless you Osasu Oviawe and Frank Ineke(my first flatmates as an independent teenager)wherever you may be in this world for always leaving the pots empty.Anyhoo,the decamping of certain governors from the PDP to the APC late in the year gave life to the saying,'No permanent enemies just permanent interests'.Just ask Mike Ezuronye!

THEN...............................

NOW..........................Nna,you no come Lagos count bridge true true!

  The on-again off-again death of a certain member of a certain group of armed men causing havoc in a certain part of the country was and is still a major source of concern to all Nigerians.It reminds me a lot of Zaki Azay,just when you thought you had heard the last of his mind numbing music and Tiger battery powered flash light,he pops up again and sucker punches you with another lame attempt at a come back!
  The year also witnessed more 'strikes' than the U.S drone missions in Afghanistan.It was like every Tom,Dick and their cousin Larry(I have a good friend called Harry,so I'm sure you'd excuse me this one) with enough dexterity to knot a tie and walk straight without tripping over could hold this country to ransom with industrial actions.Education,Medical even electricity workers............apparently it's not only @basketmouth that has a warped sense of humor.
  I'm starting to sound real negative now aren't I? But God knows I wouldn't feel comfortable without a Tontoh Dikeh analogy to round up the year and the fact that Miss Poko decided 2013 was the year she was going to bless us with the gift of her musical genius and make a mess of the giant strides being made in that industry kinda tells you all you need to know about the sort of year 2013 was.
  There was some good news though.Hate him or love him but Al Dangote's(that's what we his friends on Twitter call him) continued climb up the rich list and his continued belief and investment in Nigeria is a perfect example of how political contract beneficiaries can uplift the unemployed and impoverished around them.By the way,Oga Timaya can learn a thing or two from Al. Na only you dey fat for that your 'Dem Mama' group.And you know what they say about hungry men!

Even the group name is in smaller capitals than yours Oga Timaya!

  Lest I forget,Some one tell the Golden Eaglets to TURN UP!I have no idea what it means and I'm sure as hell that I used it wrong but I said it anyways and I like it!But someone please tell them,wherever they may be this second that they made me mighty proud this year and I hope their wives and young children are too.
  Lastly,every year has it's 'Man of the Year' and if the award was for absolutely banging tunes,hair to kill for and an absurd dress sense,then Phyno without a doubt would be my 'Man of the Yeah".But the men and women of the Nigeria Army who sacrifice their lives daily in the sandy ruins of North Eastern Nigeria,in a war many Nigerians pretend is not happening are without any doubt my 'Men and Women of 2013".

I honestly don't know why you guys do it but your country salutes you.

  They deserve that and indeed an extra paragraph!
P.S The Flipout Corner is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod