It was one of those hot sunny afternoons, scalp damp and shirt sticky.
Stuck at a bus-stop and you get the impression that half of Lagos was waiting for the same bus as you.
A thought flickers through your mind, maybe, just maybe, Pastor's ''There's someone here, someone who gives bountiful offerings mind you, who would wake up in a new Bugatti this year'' wasn't directed at you after all.
After mentally calculating all the Building Offering, Workers Offering, Transport Offering, Offering Offerings and pledges in the last two years, you banish the thought from your mind quicker than it took D'Banjs' landlord to allegedly kick him out and focus back on the hundreds of pushing and shoving would be commuters around you.
We all, majority young and tired, jaded looks on our faces but still trying to look all cool and calm.
Swinging imaginary car keys in our fingers to let the next guy in the same faded suit know that ' I have a car oh, I just ain't driving today!'
Our China 'Ray-Bun's', doing two things at the same time like every good China man is taught to; shielding our eyes from the sun and at the same time disguising the aggressive to and fro dart of our eyes as we scan the entire Lagos metropolis for the next bus while rooted to the same spot!
And then it arrives, our Knight in not so shiny yellow and black armour!
''Ojuelegba!''
''Ojuelegba!!''
''Ojuelegba, I no get change, ma wole!''
''Lapping, ma wole!''
''Big yansh, ma wole!''
''Aboki wey carry bag or small girl Aboki, no enter oh!''
''Ojuelegba!'' screamed a big, dark and brawny bus conductor at the top of his voice like a young balding Mariah Carey!
The ensuing struggle was epic!
Though I wasn't there, Martin Luther's liberation struggle probably had nothing on this.
Maybe we should ask @omojuwa, he just might have been there during the Selma march! The boy looks like he has been looking for trouble since the epic Cain and Abel fight!
So yeah, there I was, born and bred in Lagos and just the right opportunity to show it.
Even in these strange times of 'stealing is not corruption', I knew I could still find my way through a ruckus.
So, with a holy cry of war, right leg outstretched to kick anyone and anything out of my way, I finally found my self on the bus. Tired and sweaty, Gala and LaCasera in hand, I collapsed on my seat!
By the way, please do not ask me when I bought the snacks; if you can't buy Gala while rushing for a bus and at the same time collect your complete 950 change, you're probably the weird one!
Anyway, I barely had time to gather my thoughts and breath when a man stood up at the front.
He was a fine looking gentle man I must add.
All decked out in a brown jacket that must have been all the rage during Awolowo's burial.
He had the worried look of a man who just found out his neighbour's son and 4 friends were visiting from Gwoza!
''Exceede exceede magnum!'' He began.
''Exceede exceede magnum!!''
''Exceede exceede magnum na Latin for 'e big, e big, e big well well!'' He chanted.
''Exceede exceede magnum! This one no be ordinary Agbo-Jedi''
''This one na the Baba of all Agbo-jedi''
'' For those of una wey dey enter this bus everyday, Oga blue shirt for back I greet you this morning, una know wetin I dey talk'' he continued.
''This one na the agbo-jedi wey if ya wife see you dey come from this road, she go run comot pass another road because she know say FIRE don come!''
''If you be man wey don marry for like 6 years and you never satisfy ya wife one day, and you still dey beg am make she no leave you, make she give you more time; Exceede excede magnum na for you oh!''
''If you be man wey instead of make you do ya husband duty, you dey blame ya enemies, this agbo- jedi na for you oh!'' he crooned on.
''My brother, if all these young boys for ya compound don dey take ya territory for house, dem nor dey tell person two times, Execcede Exceede wetin I talk????'' He asked.
''MAGNUM!!!!!'' roared the entire bus in reply.
A smile came over his face and you could almost see him mentally calculating his loot from this seemingly gullible audience.
He continued ''Even, my brother, even if ya wife get plenty patience, plenty plenty patience, one day she go tire and ya luck go run out''
'Yes ke, Oga alagbo'' hissed out an obese market woman in the middle of the bus.
''That kain man na failure o jare!'' She purred on in the thickest Yoruba accent since 9ice and Toni Payne's baby.
''Madam, mba, mba! I disagree!'' yelled the light skinned guy next to me.
''What if the man dey try im best but the woman don spoil tey tey before dem even meet. Even if you like, climb tree, come somersault enter, you no go fit satisfy am! Ehn!'' he opined with much passion, we all knew without been told that we were witnesses to a true story of pain!
''Abeg hep me see dis oyibo! Oga, nothing like doing your best-i oh! She replied.
''Even if trailer don pass there before, If you be man for house, you must do man work!''
''If you know say you no get power, you for reject the wife when dem give you!''
''Awon oloriburuku. and na their type go dey surround themselves with useless friends, dey go party, dey dance up and down and forget their wife for house!'' she cussed out.
At this point, the merchant of potency knew he was losing his customers attention.
''My people, my people. E nor reach to quarrel'' he intervened.
''If you be man and you get this problem, in less than 6 weeks your wife go forget all the suffer she don suffer. Infact....''
''Owo leyin. Money for back!'' the bus conductor interrupted with a bellow.
''One bottle na just 750'' he continued.
''Abeg give me one bottle'' my light skinned neighbour said with a sheepish glance round the bus.
''I wan buy am give my friend Joe.''
''Na so bros! Tell ya 'friend' say na only one teaspoon he go use oh'' the alagbo said.
''I say, owo leyin. Make una give me money for back na'' the red eyed conductor shouted.
''Conductor, I dey come. Oya, take. For three feefu for back'' a dark skinned gentleman said.
''Ye!Mogbe!'' the conductor yelled.
''When Aboki enter my bus?... You nor hear say Aboki ma wole?.... Why your dress swell like that?...... Aboki wetin dey your bag?....... I say wetin you carry?.........''
P.S: the Flipout Corner is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod
Stuck at a bus-stop and you get the impression that half of Lagos was waiting for the same bus as you.
A thought flickers through your mind, maybe, just maybe, Pastor's ''There's someone here, someone who gives bountiful offerings mind you, who would wake up in a new Bugatti this year'' wasn't directed at you after all.
After mentally calculating all the Building Offering, Workers Offering, Transport Offering, Offering Offerings and pledges in the last two years, you banish the thought from your mind quicker than it took D'Banjs' landlord to allegedly kick him out and focus back on the hundreds of pushing and shoving would be commuters around you.
We all, majority young and tired, jaded looks on our faces but still trying to look all cool and calm.
Swinging imaginary car keys in our fingers to let the next guy in the same faded suit know that ' I have a car oh, I just ain't driving today!'
Our China 'Ray-Bun's', doing two things at the same time like every good China man is taught to; shielding our eyes from the sun and at the same time disguising the aggressive to and fro dart of our eyes as we scan the entire Lagos metropolis for the next bus while rooted to the same spot!
And then it arrives, our Knight in not so shiny yellow and black armour!
 |
| Yaaaagaaaaaaa! |
''Ojuelegba!!''
''Ojuelegba, I no get change, ma wole!''
''Lapping, ma wole!''
''Big yansh, ma wole!''
''Aboki wey carry bag or small girl Aboki, no enter oh!''
''Ojuelegba!'' screamed a big, dark and brawny bus conductor at the top of his voice like a young balding Mariah Carey!
The ensuing struggle was epic!
Though I wasn't there, Martin Luther's liberation struggle probably had nothing on this.
Maybe we should ask @omojuwa, he just might have been there during the Selma march! The boy looks like he has been looking for trouble since the epic Cain and Abel fight!
So yeah, there I was, born and bred in Lagos and just the right opportunity to show it.
Even in these strange times of 'stealing is not corruption', I knew I could still find my way through a ruckus.
So, with a holy cry of war, right leg outstretched to kick anyone and anything out of my way, I finally found my self on the bus. Tired and sweaty, Gala and LaCasera in hand, I collapsed on my seat!
By the way, please do not ask me when I bought the snacks; if you can't buy Gala while rushing for a bus and at the same time collect your complete 950 change, you're probably the weird one!
Anyway, I barely had time to gather my thoughts and breath when a man stood up at the front.
He was a fine looking gentle man I must add.
All decked out in a brown jacket that must have been all the rage during Awolowo's burial.
He had the worried look of a man who just found out his neighbour's son and 4 friends were visiting from Gwoza!
''Exceede exceede magnum!'' He began.
''Exceede exceede magnum!!''
''Exceede exceede magnum na Latin for 'e big, e big, e big well well!'' He chanted.
''Exceede exceede magnum! This one no be ordinary Agbo-Jedi''
''This one na the Baba of all Agbo-jedi''
'' For those of una wey dey enter this bus everyday, Oga blue shirt for back I greet you this morning, una know wetin I dey talk'' he continued.
''This one na the agbo-jedi wey if ya wife see you dey come from this road, she go run comot pass another road because she know say FIRE don come!''
''If you be man wey don marry for like 6 years and you never satisfy ya wife one day, and you still dey beg am make she no leave you, make she give you more time; Exceede excede magnum na for you oh!''
''If you be man wey instead of make you do ya husband duty, you dey blame ya enemies, this agbo- jedi na for you oh!'' he crooned on.
''My brother, if all these young boys for ya compound don dey take ya territory for house, dem nor dey tell person two times, Execcede Exceede wetin I talk????'' He asked.
''MAGNUM!!!!!'' roared the entire bus in reply.
A smile came over his face and you could almost see him mentally calculating his loot from this seemingly gullible audience.
He continued ''Even, my brother, even if ya wife get plenty patience, plenty plenty patience, one day she go tire and ya luck go run out''
'Yes ke, Oga alagbo'' hissed out an obese market woman in the middle of the bus.
''That kain man na failure o jare!'' She purred on in the thickest Yoruba accent since 9ice and Toni Payne's baby.
''Madam, mba, mba! I disagree!'' yelled the light skinned guy next to me.
''What if the man dey try im best but the woman don spoil tey tey before dem even meet. Even if you like, climb tree, come somersault enter, you no go fit satisfy am! Ehn!'' he opined with much passion, we all knew without been told that we were witnesses to a true story of pain!
''Abeg hep me see dis oyibo! Oga, nothing like doing your best-i oh! She replied.
''Even if trailer don pass there before, If you be man for house, you must do man work!''
''If you know say you no get power, you for reject the wife when dem give you!''
''Awon oloriburuku. and na their type go dey surround themselves with useless friends, dey go party, dey dance up and down and forget their wife for house!'' she cussed out.
 |
| So, I'm here with the girls dem that like to party and move some body........ |
At this point, the merchant of potency knew he was losing his customers attention.
''My people, my people. E nor reach to quarrel'' he intervened.
''If you be man and you get this problem, in less than 6 weeks your wife go forget all the suffer she don suffer. Infact....''
''Owo leyin. Money for back!'' the bus conductor interrupted with a bellow.
''One bottle na just 750'' he continued.
''Abeg give me one bottle'' my light skinned neighbour said with a sheepish glance round the bus.
''I wan buy am give my friend Joe.''
''Na so bros! Tell ya 'friend' say na only one teaspoon he go use oh'' the alagbo said.
''I say, owo leyin. Make una give me money for back na'' the red eyed conductor shouted.
''Conductor, I dey come. Oya, take. For three feefu for back'' a dark skinned gentleman said.
''Ye!Mogbe!'' the conductor yelled.
''When Aboki enter my bus?... You nor hear say Aboki ma wole?.... Why your dress swell like that?...... Aboki wetin dey your bag?....... I say wetin you carry?.........''
P.S: the Flipout Corner is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod
