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Lights,camera,action!

We'll increase the price of petrol,you'll go on the streets to protest,we'll meet,eat some small chops,sip some fine wine,we'll then reduce the price to our initial target of 100naira(shaking my head at 97),we'll shake hands and go home happy.
Then we'll come back in March and do it all over again!
Now thats what I call a damn good T.V show,almost as dull and uninspiring as Tinsel(I mean,seriously,can there be a worse show on T.V).

The outcome of the NLC led strike and street protests was as predictable as water boiling on a stove!As long as the protests were tied to the increase in pump price of petrol and not to the the issues of lack of accountability,corruption and the sheer feferity(for lack of a better word) of government and governance,it was always bound to suffer a meek and cowardly ending.
So,after enjoying a full week of street carnivals,complete with live music shows,good drinks and beautiful women,can we all spare a thought for the true occupiers who gave their lives believing they could ask for change in a crippled country.Those who made the mistake of willing a stream in the middle of a desert.Those who died for the impossible.
Even as I rise from my bed after a week of occupation,my heart goes out to the future generation of Nigerians yet unborn,who will rightfully point at us for this lost opportunity.Who will wonder loudly why we did not just dance to a Fela CD in our living rooms,if a music show was what we really wanted!

The shoes and the man!

They say you can tell a lot from a man's shoes.
His style,character,personality or lack of it.
A shoeless man,on the other hand,is a bit of delicate issue.Probably as delicate as the issue of an obese Somalian.
As the protests boomerang from a giant owambe party to angry youths with sticks,cudgels and knives fighting for the social,economic and moral survival of Nigeria,we stay-at -home occupiers have cast our minds back to that sunny day in April when we cast our votes for a shoeless Goodluck.

A democracy involves surrendering our collective will to a representative and placing our trust in him/her/it( a herd of cows cant possibly perform worse!) and trusting,that the hard decisions will be made on our behalf.
We have made this particular bed and we will damn sure lie on it but I urge you to please take a closer look at the shoes next time because if the shoe truly makes the man.................

Subsidise me oh Lord!

After the early morning cheer and drowsiness from all night vigils at churches and beer parlours,Nigerians were gleefully ushered into the New Year with an 120% increase in the price of petrol.This had to be a joke,many wondered aloud and thought it was the usual Blackberry hoax.
So,there we were,with our plates full of steaming jollof rice and frozen poultry that had probably spent the best part of 6months in an European cold room somewhere far away,waiting to see the smiling face of Brother Jonah on national T.V (there's something oddly creepy about the Jonathan smile that I cant for the life of me figure out yet) denouncing all rumor mongers and agents of Boko Haram bent on causing confusion with the news of price increment.
But this was no April Fool in January,this was a New Year gift like no other.
Nigerians were left stunned but have,in true Naija spirit,recovered.

As the protests gather steam and roll across the country like a bad Nollywood movie,prices of everything imaginable,from pencils to condoms have skyrocketed.Tempers are flaring and patience is indeed wearing thin with Jonathan(pun intended).
Subsidy removal might indeed be an inevitable evil but the people most affected by it are yet to see any tangible(or intangible) benefits on their lives by previous government policies.We are repeatedly told 'No pain No gain" but we are yet to see any form of pain whatsoever in the lives of political office holders and their hanger-on.All we see are increasingly obese men (and women,of course) in choice houses and cars with a yearly budget of a billion naira on food.Wetin una dey chop sef!You no go wan use elephant meat make stew,Joor!
If "Dr" Jonathan spends the next 12months providing stable electricity and adequate,accessible health care for the masses,we might,just might, be amenable to the subsidy removal.

In the mean time,I have in true Yoruba spirit decided to accord respect to whom respect is due.From now on I shall only refer to my generator as Brother Yamaha.I MEAN,IF SPEND MORE THAN A THOUSAND NAIRA DAILY ON RUNNING IT,I MIGHT AS WELL SHOW SOME RESPECT!

I voted for Jonathan!

Yep!I did!And I'm sure that most of you reading this right now and acting all "What a dumb President" 'What an ineffective leader" 'What a this" 'What a that",did too.So,you can all rent a ladder and get off your high horses right now!
The difference between us,apart from the fact that I'm like a million times better looking than you are,is the fact that I knew what I was getting myself into.Did I vote Brother Jo because I wanted to experience uninterrupted power supply in my life time?No!Did I vote him because I thought he could  revive the economy?Lwkmd!So why did I vote for GoodLuck?I guess I just did not like Buhari's religious posturing much!
Going into the April elections,it was obvious our president lacked ideas,vigour,profound intellect and he had the charisma of a table lamp.
I bet you're shaking your heads and wondering what a leader needs charisma for?Well,I'll tell you!Charisma is what diverts attention from an incompetent president.Barrack Obama ain't doing shit,but he has a smile as bright as the explosion from the United Nations building in Abuja.
It's truly difficult to criticize anyone put in charge of presiding over a country as big,corrupt and full of aggressive people as Nigerians.Yep,I'm talking to you.Everything has to be a fight;from buying fuel to taking a bus to using the ATM;everything has to be a damn fight!But a little initiative and show of strength wont hurt nobody Mr Jonathan.

So the year ends as it started,with my generator running full throttle.Poverty,hunger and disease swagger round the country like Terry G on steroids and bombs explode round the north as frequently as PHCN cuts power.
Did we know GEJ was going to be this bad?Maybe not.Did we suspect that his wife's English was?Hell yeah!
P.S:Enjoy whats left of the year and hope for the best in the new year.

We are happy people,not gay people!

The Nigerian Senate during the week passed a bill essentially outlawing all forms of gay relations.So,its now a crime punishable by a jail term to be seen talking to someone of the same sex in 21st century Nigeria.
One would imagine that at a time when insecurity is more a less a close friend on our family and friends,when food prices are shooting through the roof,when the standard of education is lower than a pair of 'low waist'jeans,homosexuality matters would be the last thing on the minds of our distinguished senators.
I can just imagine the Senate President waking up last week and thinking to himself "You know what?Why don't we push the small matter of fuel subsidy to the back burner and instead discuss why on earth a man would want to stick a fellow man?Abi?"
Heaven knows I don't understand the same sex attraction either but there are a million other things i don't understand either.like,why would anyone refer to Charly Boy as a musician?!I mean,the dude has not released a record in almost 30years.But i doubt if I'll get to wake up one morning and sentence him to 10 years in prison.
Homosexuality,like being a corrupt politician,essentially borders on one's human rights.
We are who we are!
Abi?Senator Mark!

Suwe time is the best!

There I was,on the queue,eagerly waiting for my turn past d scanning machine.Hoping,willing,wishing,in fact,fervently praying that the thick lumps of Fufu I ate earlier in d day would tip off the machines and I would be whisked away by the NDLEA,only to re-emerge a month later with 25 million naira of the federal government's money!
Why are we men,if but to hope?
Oh!What I would give to be a fly in the NDLEA office this morning?!Perched in a corner,watching the confused faces of their officers and the Boss Man frantically looking for a scape goat to save his own neck.
An Indian saying goes,"Baba Suwe swallow money,Baba Suwe shit no funny".
Dumb Indians!
You and I plus all the untarred roads and overflowing gutters in Lagos know that Suwe had extra passengers in his gut.What we don't know and might never know is the miracle behind his escape.
Common sense tells me he was indeed the victim of an unlawful detention.
My Nigerian sense(which i have come to cherish and respect)tells me so many other things.
So,there I was,successfully past the scanner,looking back ruefully and promising myself to drink a cup of milk and a jar of mist mag to increase the whiteness of my stomach contents next time.
One can never tell when Lady Luck would decide to shine her 32.
As the advert of the National Sports Lottery once famously said "Next time,e fit be you oh!"
P.S:this article bears no resemblance to real characters or events.Any assumed interpretations are not the author's views.