Yellow Card!

Try as we may to show national pride and insist on our decency as human beings,you and I know that the majority of Nigerians who reside outside the country are engaged in activities that would make their mothers shiver!
Little wonder the South African authorities about 3weeks ago decided to deport a few hundred Nigerians on the excuse of possession of dubious yellow cards.

Bloody Nigerians.And stay out!

The reaction in Nigeria was as expected filled with self righteous anger.
'Who do they think they are?'
'What do they mean?'
'If not for condition,can South Africa stand to Nigeria?'
And more bull shit in that line.
For those who dont know,a stamped yellow card means the holder has been duly vaccinated against yellow fever and other ailments.
For those who dont know,and for the majority of you that know,a yellow card can be stamped for 500 naira at any local government area office in Nigeria without as much as going there talk more of  receiving a vaccination.
So,instead of addressing our faults,we,in true Nigerian fashion,deported a roughly equal amount of South Africans.
I can just the imagine the blessed joy on the face of the South Africans on the day they were being deported;knowing fully well that at least 90% of them are in Nigeria because of work transfers and not out of any divine pleasure at witnessing the many fantastic tourist attractions that Birnin-Kebbi has to offer*Eyes rolling*.

A dancing South African on hearing of his deportation!

 
A truce was reached eventually,only God knows why.I would have gladly continued the exchange of deportees if I were in South Africa's shoes;Damn good looking shoes for that matter!
The United Kingdom deported a number of Nigerians about a week after the South African incident.
I guess we are still buying aviation fuel for the Arik Air flight that will deport British Nationals!*Eyes rolling once again* 

Ibori goes to jail!

If only Onoura Nzekwu,author of the celebrated novel 'Eze goes to school' was still young enough to write,this indeed would be a worthy title for the current travails of His 'Excellency' the former governor of Delta State.
The self acclaimed Governor-General of the Niger Delta,the Ogidigbodigbo of Africa, who was tried for the same offences in Nigeria and found not guilty has suddenly been struck by the hands of remembrance and pleaded guilty in a London court.

Ibori in his prime was a colossus on the political landscape.A man of means and a king maker.
He had a beautiful wife,Nkoyo or Nyoko or Konyoko(I could never wrap my head round the correct spelling of her name but I'm guessing a misspelt name is the least of her worries now).
He also had a beautiful mistress.We wont dignify her by mentioning her name,misspelt or not.
They are both currently whiling away at the pleasure of the British government at the Holloway prison,North London.

Nope,the dude ain't the mistress!

And his sister too. Talk about birds and their feathers!SMH!
It is estimated that Ibori and his cohorts stole an estimated $3 billion from the treasury of the Delta state government which is believed to have gone into purchasing various luxury estates,jets,cars,a petrol refinery,an airline,you know,the basic amenities that makes life simple!
The tale of Ibori should not just be one for the history books.Herein lies a precautionary tale for present and aspiring politicians.While you amass all the wealth and deprive young children from basic education,pregnant women from adequate health care,citizens from jobs.Always remember one thing.NEVER RUN TO DUBAI OR THE UK!Lady Justice still exists in those countries.

M.O.A.N! (Madness Of A Nation)

The ongoing probe into the fuel subsidy scheme by the House of Representatives has been an unending source of nostalgia for me over the past week or so.It has taken me back to a time when Mathematics was more or less an alien subject to me.This,my friends,was in the world before Facebook and Twitter:and yes,my younger readers,there was indeed a time when there was no Facebook or Twitter,no matter how totally unbelievable that might seem to you!
Some things never truly change,even today,Mathematics still seems totally magical and incomprehensible as it was all those many years ago,no small thanks to the ongoing probe.

The figures coming out of this probe just don't match up.I wouldn't dare task your half baked university degree with all the figures but it is clear and plain to see,that some people somewhere are feeding fat on the hunger of the masses.
Everyday we see Allison Madueke trying to bamboozle us with her eloquence,the NNPC M.D trying desperately to save his job and the former PPRA boss,who for me has been the star of this show,the man has obviously spent the last few years enriching himself so vulgarly that he truly has no defense.He has the look of a husband caught in bed by his wife with another woman!
So,do we consume 35million litres daily or is it 52 million or 40million?
Is the subsidy payment 1.4 trillion,1.7trillion or 1.3trillion?
While my maths might not be up to scratch,I am fairly convinced that a difference of say 0.3trillion is indeed 300billion,the point for there no be kobo oh?
NNPC and the oil ministry as a whole has for too long been a "come and chop" establishment,we only strongly hope that this probe will make it a "chop and quench".

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Lights,camera,action!

We'll increase the price of petrol,you'll go on the streets to protest,we'll meet,eat some small chops,sip some fine wine,we'll then reduce the price to our initial target of 100naira(shaking my head at 97),we'll shake hands and go home happy.
Then we'll come back in March and do it all over again!
Now thats what I call a damn good T.V show,almost as dull and uninspiring as Tinsel(I mean,seriously,can there be a worse show on T.V).

The outcome of the NLC led strike and street protests was as predictable as water boiling on a stove!As long as the protests were tied to the increase in pump price of petrol and not to the the issues of lack of accountability,corruption and the sheer feferity(for lack of a better word) of government and governance,it was always bound to suffer a meek and cowardly ending.
So,after enjoying a full week of street carnivals,complete with live music shows,good drinks and beautiful women,can we all spare a thought for the true occupiers who gave their lives believing they could ask for change in a crippled country.Those who made the mistake of willing a stream in the middle of a desert.Those who died for the impossible.
Even as I rise from my bed after a week of occupation,my heart goes out to the future generation of Nigerians yet unborn,who will rightfully point at us for this lost opportunity.Who will wonder loudly why we did not just dance to a Fela CD in our living rooms,if a music show was what we really wanted!

The shoes and the man!

They say you can tell a lot from a man's shoes.
His style,character,personality or lack of it.
A shoeless man,on the other hand,is a bit of delicate issue.Probably as delicate as the issue of an obese Somalian.
As the protests boomerang from a giant owambe party to angry youths with sticks,cudgels and knives fighting for the social,economic and moral survival of Nigeria,we stay-at -home occupiers have cast our minds back to that sunny day in April when we cast our votes for a shoeless Goodluck.

A democracy involves surrendering our collective will to a representative and placing our trust in him/her/it( a herd of cows cant possibly perform worse!) and trusting,that the hard decisions will be made on our behalf.
We have made this particular bed and we will damn sure lie on it but I urge you to please take a closer look at the shoes next time because if the shoe truly makes the man.................

Subsidise me oh Lord!

After the early morning cheer and drowsiness from all night vigils at churches and beer parlours,Nigerians were gleefully ushered into the New Year with an 120% increase in the price of petrol.This had to be a joke,many wondered aloud and thought it was the usual Blackberry hoax.
So,there we were,with our plates full of steaming jollof rice and frozen poultry that had probably spent the best part of 6months in an European cold room somewhere far away,waiting to see the smiling face of Brother Jonah on national T.V (there's something oddly creepy about the Jonathan smile that I cant for the life of me figure out yet) denouncing all rumor mongers and agents of Boko Haram bent on causing confusion with the news of price increment.
But this was no April Fool in January,this was a New Year gift like no other.
Nigerians were left stunned but have,in true Naija spirit,recovered.

As the protests gather steam and roll across the country like a bad Nollywood movie,prices of everything imaginable,from pencils to condoms have skyrocketed.Tempers are flaring and patience is indeed wearing thin with Jonathan(pun intended).
Subsidy removal might indeed be an inevitable evil but the people most affected by it are yet to see any tangible(or intangible) benefits on their lives by previous government policies.We are repeatedly told 'No pain No gain" but we are yet to see any form of pain whatsoever in the lives of political office holders and their hanger-on.All we see are increasingly obese men (and women,of course) in choice houses and cars with a yearly budget of a billion naira on food.Wetin una dey chop sef!You no go wan use elephant meat make stew,Joor!
If "Dr" Jonathan spends the next 12months providing stable electricity and adequate,accessible health care for the masses,we might,just might, be amenable to the subsidy removal.

In the mean time,I have in true Yoruba spirit decided to accord respect to whom respect is due.From now on I shall only refer to my generator as Brother Yamaha.I MEAN,IF SPEND MORE THAN A THOUSAND NAIRA DAILY ON RUNNING IT,I MIGHT AS WELL SHOW SOME RESPECT!