Half of a Yellow Face!(The bleaching epidemic)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That was the loud sound that was about escaping from my throat till I managed to bottle it down due to a combination of resolute will and the fear of the koboko wielding mobile police man at the gate of my neighbourhood bank when I bumped into Shade,my long lost friend from my teenage years a few weeks back.
Yes I was excited to see her(for whatever reason I don't know now) but here's the deal,those who have met me briefly,politely describe me as 'dark' but my friends who have absolutely no reason to be nice or couth(or else we wouldn't be friends,now would we?) describe me as 'black'.
And if you bothered your pretty head to go to Primary School;I don't know why anyone would really cos I hear that one can walk into certain state universities in the South-West and South-East these days with nothing more than an ability to blink twice and hands to present your tuition fees;you definitely would have heard of the nursery rhyme 'Two Little Black Birds'.
I can tell you this,those black birds wherever they may be these days,had nothing on Shade and myself!

Birds of life!

So you can imagine my shock when I saw Shade all these years later looking all "fair and yellow' like a freshly painted Keke Napep.
I was like "Oh my God Shade,you've really changed"
"Yes oh!We thank God." She replied in that most Nigerian of phrases.
And I duly obliged her by saying "It is well".
We all have that person in our lives.
Some come to us as complete shocks especially when the passage of time serves as a conduit for that shock but there are some,that colleague at work,the pastor's wife at church or the lady at the grocery shop in your neighbourhood who right before your eyes had had the 'black' rinsed off her face like Kiwi polish from a rain battered shoe.
To put things in perspective, a recent W.H.O study claims that a staggering 77% of Nigerian women use skin whitening products!
That's 8 out 0f 10 sisters at that your church's singles meeting you love attending so much.
For those who don't place much value on such studies,who would blame you?
I remember when a study done some years back rated Nigerians as the 'happiest people in the world'.
The madness of it!

Guess no one asked these jolly folks?

You don't need a study to open your eyes to this crazed rush by our women for 'lighter and more radiant skin'.
It's right in front of you unless you choose to ignore it.
Every self respecting supermarket has a shelf devoted to these products and the crowd of young women and indeed men,giving each other tips and taking notes like eager university freshmen,on the correct use and mixes is to say the least astonishing.
The unfailingly human flaw of desiring what you don't possess has always been the driving force for some of the greatest successes in mankind but also the source of it's deepest follies.
Society also seems to glorify the fairer skinned amongst us.With actors like Ramsey Nouah,Majid Michael,Omotola and to a lesser extent and I mean a much lesser extent,infact why would anyone hire Tontoh Dikeh for anything,traditionally being more sought after than their darker skinned peers.
Even as far back as 1916 in faraway Rwanda,Belgian colonialists favoured the Tutsi tribe over the Hutu because they were taller,had high cheekbones and indeed,fairer skinned.
"Hey.....Hey,Professor Flipout,can you just cut to the chase.You know I hate it when you start trying to sound smart,educative and shit!By the way,don't you like think it's spelt 'Phavoured"?I ain't saying nothing but it's spelt 'Pharoah' for a reason,innit?
Anyways,the exfoliates,toners,serums,cleansers and whatever names we choose to call them these days are here to stay and as long as we do not appreciate the incredible beauty that is in abundance in each and everyone of us never mind the health risks,they,like that housegirl wey Oga don give belle,ain't going nowhere!
(Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod)
P.S:Here is a list of things you can hire Tontoh Dike for
1) A clown
2)A..................................I'll have to get back to you on this list.

A for Associated Airline,B for Boko ,C for...........well,C for Cenya!

Today marks a sad turning point in my life.
The day when I officially stop referring to myself as a blogger.
My new post delivery rate is slower than the Nigerian Postal Service.
And those guys be slow!
Once sent a letter to congratulate my sister on giving birth to a bouncing baby boy and it was my nephew who read the letter to her when it was delivered many years later.
I''ll like to be referred to from today,if its not too much of a bother,as 'He Of The Pen Who Refuses To Write' or simply,HOTPWRTW,if that's the sort of thing that floats your boat.
Anyways,things have been rather bland of late.Same old same old or as my friend GT the Guitar Man would say,much of a muchness.
And no I don't know GT the Guitar Man.Just wanted to write the name down so the off chance he gets to read this,he can see how absolutely stupid the name sounds.
So, things were going on as usual.Bombs in Iraq and Pakistan,a few beheadings in Nigeria and Syrians still awaiting the first American bombs.
Then Westgate happened!!!!
Damn me,I'm so used to seeing Kenyan athletes skinny as hell and buck-toothed to boot,running slower than the Nigerian economy in their usual marathons.
So the sight of Kenyans(the lucky ones mind you),sprinting out of the Westgate Mall,eyes widened and arms flailing like a bunch of drowning Nigerian migrants in the Mediterranean as they escaped seemingly certain death was as startling as it was disconcerting!
President Jo's assertion and wise counsel that Nigerians should bear with terrorism as all countries were passing through it and it was(is) merely Nigeria's turn may actually now hold water.
A basket full of water,mind you!
President Uhuru(I cant help but let out a giggle when I hear that name.Reminds of a pet squirrel."Mummy,mummy!All my friends have Uhuru's,Can I get one?") Kenyatta's and the Kenyan Security Services response was one all Kenyans and indeed Africans can be proud of.
It was swift,decisive and thorough;like a mobile police man's slap on a misbehaving Lagos bus conductor!

You know that kain slap na!

Something also happened in Yobe some days after.I think?
A lot of students,young adults,were murdered in their sleep.I think?
Possibly more people died at the College of Agriculture in Yobe than Westgate.I think?
But there was barely any news coverage until days after.
No reassuring statements from our Commander-in-Chief except for repeated reminders of our readiness to help the Kenyans in their fight against terror...........I really cant help giggling today.I think I'll need a few minutes or indeed paragraphs to recover from this one).







Ok!Back to the matter,as Wizkid once wisely counseled.
There was no social media buzz.No Twitter storm.
There was a yawning gap between the #Westgate trend and the #Jim Iyke demonic deliverance;I'm sorry but if it took T.B Joshua to tell you that Oga Jim had demons then you better start having tea with your breakfast cos you're a complete mug!
Nigger has more demons in his head than a Mount Zion Ministry film.

Still don't understand the outfit but I'm a bit more sympathetic.

I just hope one of those dispersed demons were not hanging around the Lagos Airport when Dr Olusegun Agagu,former governor of Ondo State's corpse was being conveyed.
When a plane transporting a corpse crashes and creates another dozen corpses,you know Fela Kuti wasn't just high on high grade cannabis when he sang his now famous line 'Dead body get accident".
Dr Agagu was a gentleman through and through and neither he nor his family members deserve this double dose of tragedy that poor and unsafe roads MAY have contributed to.
In fact,no man deserves to die twice.............well,unless you're my dear Uncle Wale who once went to a salon to have the grey dyed out of his hair and one thing led to the other.....the dye did not take.....blah blah blah ............and he eventually had it done again!
P.S:Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter  @doctorrotcod

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Nigerian new-age pastors and the bible they read!

Secondary school was a fun period.We were young,fresh faced and almost every thing was new.
Your first beer,first kiss,your first(and maybe last) smoke.
It was a period of giddy excitement and fun.
The downside though was the fact that you had to read.
I mean,they did call it school for a reason!
For those,who for some reason found themselves in the science classes,the giant sized 'Modern Biology' and 'Ababio';that fear inducing Chemistry textbook;was often the first clue that you might,just might have found yourself in the wrong class and you'd promptly exit through the next available open window.
For those of us more plucky and brave,we waded  and battled through it,not because we were necessarily smarter(sure we were................Nigger,ask about me) but because we devised the key to studying...........and hopefully passing.
Damn books had about a thousand pages.Just focus like a dog with a bone on a random 400 pages and hope for the damn best come exam day!
A trip to a new age Nigerian church  makes me feel like these pastors have taken a leaf of our book and 'Ababioed' the bible.
The Bible alongside the Qur'an are probably the greatest books ever written.
It takes you on a journey right from creation to stories of faith,tales of adversity,loss,war,great victory,prosperity and finally rounds up with what will conclude this maddening rat race we find ourselves.
So,when a Jerry-curled,Armani suit wearing lad who may or may not have gotten to 'a level of grace' where nubile young girls who aren't family can sit on his lap makes the act of giving or what we fondly refer to as 'Sowing' in this parts,the star of the book,you have to feel a wee bit sorry for folks like Moses,Ruth,Job,Saul(Paul),Jonathan(not Goodluck) who's life stories and journeys are and will continue to be the back bone,moral thread and truly life defining experiences that shapes the true believers.
I can bet that a trip by Moses to any of the many churches in the Oregun,Ikeja axis of Lagos on a Sunday morning must leave him feeling like a 'waka-pass' in a Nigerian movie.
Nobody talks about sin anymore;and we forget so easily that he climbed a treacherously steep mountain(at least that's what the picture in 'My Book of Bible Stories' used) to get the 10 commandments.
What if the dude had fallen and broken his neck?
Nobody talks about hell anymore.
Nobody tells the sister with the mini-skirt not large enough for a proper nose blowing or the brother with the weave that the club is down the road in case they might have missed their way.
As long as they sow!(Master card and Visa accepted here by the way!)
It must all feel like deja-vu to chaps like Moses.
Remember when he came down from the mountains and met the Israelites dancing Azonto to all sorts of golden idols?

Say whaaaaaaaaatttttttt!

The church today is full of all sorts of golden idols and the sad thing is they are made from the trinkets of the poor.
Shepherds are meant to guide and teach you life lessons but when they focus on a tiny fraction of a perfectly good book,like myself and my good friend and now international model,Sheg Aranmolate did back in the days and ignore the rest,don't be surprised if you get caught napping like we did when we were asked at what temperature a metal gets white hot.

We only stopped at red hot!
P.S:I make no pretensions.I'm a sinner.I sinned yesterday.I'll sin today and I'll probably sin tomorrow but i acknowledge that.
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Sun-tanning Suntai!

The news filtered in just as myself and my good friend Mr You-dont-need-to-know-his-name Phillips were sharing a bottle of Lager in a bar in downtown Lagos.
The long awaited and long prayed for Governor Suntai of Taraba State was back home.
Amid fanfare,hordes of flag waving school children,relieved party members and concerned citizens,the Governor strode down the aircraft,chin raised and proud like a goat who had just stumbled on his owner's yam stable.
Not really though. I(and I speak for meself only) had forgotten there was a man named Governor Suntai. To be honest,I had briefly,with all the troubles one has to face in Lagos daily,forgotten there was a state called Taraba!
In fact,while trying to jog our memories,my dear friend,Mr Philips,even insinuated that it could be the ex-Chinese Mayor,who's presently on trial for corruption who had fled to Nigeria for safe haven.
Mr Philips,good bless his kind soul,did confess that he was not sure what the Chinese gentleman's name was but he could swear by his last ironed shirt(and that's nothing to sniff at mind you,considering he had not had electricity for 2weeks and counting) that it sounded like Mayor Sun Tai.
Anyways,unless 'Mayor Sun Tai' had the nationality slapped off his face by his mother for being corrupt,we can safely assume the gentleman that made his way gingerly down the plane while being supported by his aides,was neither Chinese nor escaping from anything.

Mind you,that's the new Special Assistant to the Governor on State 'Support' Systems behind him.

For those who do not remember,Governor Suntai was the gentleman who crashed his/the state's private jet some months back,while flying it.
All by himself.
Yep!
Move on!
I was glad though.Even though the plane the dear Governor crashed while possibly fulfilling a childhood fantasy of his might be worth much more than the entire year's allocation to education in Taraba,the survival of a man from the clutches of death is always something to celebrate.
And celebrate we did!Myself and Mr Philip.A couple of bottles of cold lager and a few dead catfish can testify to the fact that we toasted to his health and wished him well in his convalescence period in the coming months.
So you can very well imagine the shock on my face when I heard the news of the governor dissolving his cabinet and sacking key staff barely a day after returning.
Infact,if you could extract the shock from my system,condense it into chocolate bars of 'common sense',there would have been enough to go round for the staff of the Benin Airport and maybe,just maybe,someone would have been alive to their responsibilities and seen the boy stow away on an Arik flight to the 'US'.

So many black people in the U.S!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhoo,we've been on this road before with the former occupants of Aso-Rock and I can tell you with certainty,it ain't pretty.
The script seems eerily similar.A hastily arranged return.No personal statements made except through 'aides'. No visits allowed and a wife keen,as you would expect,to protect her husband's privacy.
I'm no expert at telling you a man's mental state from a few seconds of video,in truth,my friends will tell you that I'm no expert at anything really but the man Suntai did not look fit to do the 'skelewu' let alone run a state.
But then again as our dear Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA has said,'Who are we to Judge?' It is better we look and observe for now.
Abi,Pastor?
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Shekau my skelewu!(Check out my skelewu!)

The news making the rounds in the past two days points to the possible death of dreaded Boko Haram leader,Abubakar Shekau.
The JTF spokesman said and I quote "Mr Shekau was mortally wounded in the encounter and was sneaked into Amitchide,a border town with Cameroon and it is believed that he MIGHT have died between July 25th and August 3rd".
I ask with all sense of responsibility and humility(from my Apple MacPro and tortoise shell Ray-Ban),HOW CAN SOMEONE MAY HAVE DIED?!
I may be ugly.Yeah,I get that!
I may be broke.Like all the time!
Infact,I may or may not like my boss but I dare say that I may not say it openly.
But can someone as divisive and accountable to Nigerians as Mr Shekau 'May have died?'
Unacceptable!
It is true that intelligence reports at times may be difficult to back up with  evidentiary proof but strong words and decisive language always make up for photos or videos.
The American example readily springs to mind.
When announcing the death of low level Al-Qeada commandants,the words 'may' or 'probably' were often used but when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden,I doubt if Barry 'Check out my beautiful family' Obama said "You know what folks,Osama was shot today.I know y'all are glad but hold on a second,just hold on,this ain't the time to go yanking your doodle.HE MAY HAVE DIED!"
No my dear fellow citizens of the country of 'He may have died',Obama's words were swift and decisive.
Even without photo or video evidence,we held it as truth.
AnD we haven't seen an Osama video since by the way!Unlike the damn scary video of Shekau that made the rounds on the Internet a couple of days ago which made reference to recent brutal attacks by the sect.Infact,the dude stopped short of congratulating the Super Eagles on winning the Mandela Challenge just a week ago.

Is he dancing Skelewu somewhere as we speak?

All we ask for is finality and a decisive truth.
We have been too hurt to be 'MAYED'!
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Dem don port oh!

Anytime I hear the word deportation the first picture that comes to mind,my mind anyway,is that of our Edo sisters being shipped in their hundreds after being gathered from all corners of Italy and dispatched off like those annoying black beetles we used to find in boiled beans back in the days.

Errrmmmm....I doubt this is Italy?

By the way,those beetles have stopped showing up like a good Dbanj song,they must have peas-ed off someone important!
Apparently,sometime last week,a couple of poor,unprotected Nigerians were picked up on the streets of Lagos in the dead of the night and swiftly 'deported' to a corner of the country more renown for making fake and often times dangerous products than anything else.
Onitsha,that beautiful city east of the Niger where there is more illicit money being made than a Nigerian new-era church!
The story goeth thus,depending on whose account you choose to believe,in the dead of the night while good,law-abiding citizens were sleeping;that would be approximately 90% of the masses and 0.25% of the political class;the Lagos State government through its goons or as the government would  prefer to refer to them,state officials,picked up 72 or was it 14,innocent or wandering vagrants,depending on whose side of the coin appears brighter to you,hurriedly packed them into a waiting truck and ferried them off,at break neck speed,dodging pot-holes,avoiding check points and often times driving against traffic(OK,nobody said that ,I'm just adding my own twist) to their final destination.
Under the bridge at Upper Iweka,Onitsha!
To be honest,I'm surprised no one saw them dump these unfortunate fellows.
The movies coming out of Nollywood these days are so poor,I wouldn't be surprised if non-essential crew members sleep under bridges instead of hotels.
Anyhoo,as always with everything in our dear country,ethnic colourations and connotations have been adduced.
The noise coming out of the East has been louder than Chidi Lloyd's mace landing on his colleague's head.
And with elections coming up in Anambra,the governor,who's only remarkable  achievement is sharing a surname with a Nigerian soccer star,has chosen to make inflammatory and not very well thought out comments.

Peter???Peter???................St Peter?

The Igbos are Nigerians and they are free  like every one else to live in any part of the country they so choose;not like they needed reminding anyways.If I had a he-goat for every luxurious bus that berths at Jibowu park in Lagos every evening with new arrivals,I just might have enough goats to marry a ten year old Egyptian girl and then contest for a Senate seat.
Nobody can deport the Igbo from Lagos.
What will I do without my 'friend' at the viewing center who constantly tells me that 'Arsenal Wenger' is a failure?
They are free to live,do business,procreate and excel in Lagos as they are in Maiduguri.
Well...........................................................................maybe not so much in Maiduguri though!
The Lagos state government has one of the most open-arm policies of all state governments in the country.
With free tuition for students of all ethnicity in it's public schools.
With people of all ethnicity in it's State Civil Service.
With quality roads and public amenities in all corners of the state even in areas that can be conveniently conceived as conurbations that house mainly certain ethnic groups.
For Governor 'Whats his name' Obi to stand on a soap box and try to gain political capital from this,when his state and many in the East have a clear cut policy of paying school fees for only indigenes and employing only such in their civil service smacks greatly of political shenanigans and crinkum crankum(maximum respect Hon. Obahiagbon,respect!).
When hundreds of beggars are picked up and dumped up North,no one bats an eyelid.
When commercial motorcyclists,mainly young jobless boys from Northern Nigeria are being forced back to the grinding penury of home by the Okada ban,not a few of us applauded!
When struggling artisans and beggars were picked up and dumped in Oyo State,a while back,no one listened to Governor Alao Akala's remonstrations.Instead,we dubbed him 'The Bleached One'.

The knuckles bro!That's the first thing they teach in Bleach 101

As a respected social commentator succinctly put it,this is not  a case of ethnic discrimination.It is simply a case of social discrimination.
The poor are clearly not welcome in Lagos.
My advice to you my dear readers would be to always dress up in your Sunday best even if it's just to buy Indomie from the 'Mallam' across your house,make you no go find yourself for ya village the next morning!
In the immortal words of that store of infinite cultural wisdom,human philosophy and etiquette,American gangster rapper,2chainz,'I'll be fresh as hell if the Feds watching'.
P.S:This is for my friend Brume Bekibele as he gets married,God bless you bro!
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