Dear Sister Stella!

Dear Sister Stella,
 It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about  a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!

Damn right!Lives to run another day.

So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!

P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)

PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod

Half of a Yellow Face!(The bleaching epidemic)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That was the loud sound that was about escaping from my throat till I managed to bottle it down due to a combination of resolute will and the fear of the koboko wielding mobile police man at the gate of my neighbourhood bank when I bumped into Shade,my long lost friend from my teenage years a few weeks back.
Yes I was excited to see her(for whatever reason I don't know now) but here's the deal,those who have met me briefly,politely describe me as 'dark' but my friends who have absolutely no reason to be nice or couth(or else we wouldn't be friends,now would we?) describe me as 'black'.
And if you bothered your pretty head to go to Primary School;I don't know why anyone would really cos I hear that one can walk into certain state universities in the South-West and South-East these days with nothing more than an ability to blink twice and hands to present your tuition fees;you definitely would have heard of the nursery rhyme 'Two Little Black Birds'.
I can tell you this,those black birds wherever they may be these days,had nothing on Shade and myself!

Birds of life!

So you can imagine my shock when I saw Shade all these years later looking all "fair and yellow' like a freshly painted Keke Napep.
I was like "Oh my God Shade,you've really changed"
"Yes oh!We thank God." She replied in that most Nigerian of phrases.
And I duly obliged her by saying "It is well".
We all have that person in our lives.
Some come to us as complete shocks especially when the passage of time serves as a conduit for that shock but there are some,that colleague at work,the pastor's wife at church or the lady at the grocery shop in your neighbourhood who right before your eyes had had the 'black' rinsed off her face like Kiwi polish from a rain battered shoe.
To put things in perspective, a recent W.H.O study claims that a staggering 77% of Nigerian women use skin whitening products!
That's 8 out 0f 10 sisters at that your church's singles meeting you love attending so much.
For those who don't place much value on such studies,who would blame you?
I remember when a study done some years back rated Nigerians as the 'happiest people in the world'.
The madness of it!

Guess no one asked these jolly folks?

You don't need a study to open your eyes to this crazed rush by our women for 'lighter and more radiant skin'.
It's right in front of you unless you choose to ignore it.
Every self respecting supermarket has a shelf devoted to these products and the crowd of young women and indeed men,giving each other tips and taking notes like eager university freshmen,on the correct use and mixes is to say the least astonishing.
The unfailingly human flaw of desiring what you don't possess has always been the driving force for some of the greatest successes in mankind but also the source of it's deepest follies.
Society also seems to glorify the fairer skinned amongst us.With actors like Ramsey Nouah,Majid Michael,Omotola and to a lesser extent and I mean a much lesser extent,infact why would anyone hire Tontoh Dikeh for anything,traditionally being more sought after than their darker skinned peers.
Even as far back as 1916 in faraway Rwanda,Belgian colonialists favoured the Tutsi tribe over the Hutu because they were taller,had high cheekbones and indeed,fairer skinned.
"Hey.....Hey,Professor Flipout,can you just cut to the chase.You know I hate it when you start trying to sound smart,educative and shit!By the way,don't you like think it's spelt 'Phavoured"?I ain't saying nothing but it's spelt 'Pharoah' for a reason,innit?
Anyways,the exfoliates,toners,serums,cleansers and whatever names we choose to call them these days are here to stay and as long as we do not appreciate the incredible beauty that is in abundance in each and everyone of us never mind the health risks,they,like that housegirl wey Oga don give belle,ain't going nowhere!
(Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod)
P.S:Here is a list of things you can hire Tontoh Dike for
1) A clown
2)A..................................I'll have to get back to you on this list.

A for Associated Airline,B for Boko ,C for...........well,C for Cenya!

Today marks a sad turning point in my life.
The day when I officially stop referring to myself as a blogger.
My new post delivery rate is slower than the Nigerian Postal Service.
And those guys be slow!
Once sent a letter to congratulate my sister on giving birth to a bouncing baby boy and it was my nephew who read the letter to her when it was delivered many years later.
I''ll like to be referred to from today,if its not too much of a bother,as 'He Of The Pen Who Refuses To Write' or simply,HOTPWRTW,if that's the sort of thing that floats your boat.
Anyways,things have been rather bland of late.Same old same old or as my friend GT the Guitar Man would say,much of a muchness.
And no I don't know GT the Guitar Man.Just wanted to write the name down so the off chance he gets to read this,he can see how absolutely stupid the name sounds.
So, things were going on as usual.Bombs in Iraq and Pakistan,a few beheadings in Nigeria and Syrians still awaiting the first American bombs.
Then Westgate happened!!!!
Damn me,I'm so used to seeing Kenyan athletes skinny as hell and buck-toothed to boot,running slower than the Nigerian economy in their usual marathons.
So the sight of Kenyans(the lucky ones mind you),sprinting out of the Westgate Mall,eyes widened and arms flailing like a bunch of drowning Nigerian migrants in the Mediterranean as they escaped seemingly certain death was as startling as it was disconcerting!
President Jo's assertion and wise counsel that Nigerians should bear with terrorism as all countries were passing through it and it was(is) merely Nigeria's turn may actually now hold water.
A basket full of water,mind you!
President Uhuru(I cant help but let out a giggle when I hear that name.Reminds of a pet squirrel."Mummy,mummy!All my friends have Uhuru's,Can I get one?") Kenyatta's and the Kenyan Security Services response was one all Kenyans and indeed Africans can be proud of.
It was swift,decisive and thorough;like a mobile police man's slap on a misbehaving Lagos bus conductor!

You know that kain slap na!

Something also happened in Yobe some days after.I think?
A lot of students,young adults,were murdered in their sleep.I think?
Possibly more people died at the College of Agriculture in Yobe than Westgate.I think?
But there was barely any news coverage until days after.
No reassuring statements from our Commander-in-Chief except for repeated reminders of our readiness to help the Kenyans in their fight against terror...........I really cant help giggling today.I think I'll need a few minutes or indeed paragraphs to recover from this one).







Ok!Back to the matter,as Wizkid once wisely counseled.
There was no social media buzz.No Twitter storm.
There was a yawning gap between the #Westgate trend and the #Jim Iyke demonic deliverance;I'm sorry but if it took T.B Joshua to tell you that Oga Jim had demons then you better start having tea with your breakfast cos you're a complete mug!
Nigger has more demons in his head than a Mount Zion Ministry film.

Still don't understand the outfit but I'm a bit more sympathetic.

I just hope one of those dispersed demons were not hanging around the Lagos Airport when Dr Olusegun Agagu,former governor of Ondo State's corpse was being conveyed.
When a plane transporting a corpse crashes and creates another dozen corpses,you know Fela Kuti wasn't just high on high grade cannabis when he sang his now famous line 'Dead body get accident".
Dr Agagu was a gentleman through and through and neither he nor his family members deserve this double dose of tragedy that poor and unsafe roads MAY have contributed to.
In fact,no man deserves to die twice.............well,unless you're my dear Uncle Wale who once went to a salon to have the grey dyed out of his hair and one thing led to the other.....the dye did not take.....blah blah blah ............and he eventually had it done again!
P.S:Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter  @doctorrotcod