Brazil 2014; Sand,Sex and Soccer!

Growing up as a young teenage boy, I had simple dreams; I had two idols in this world and I knew more than anything that I wanted to be like them when I was grown.
I had to be like them!
It was either I grew up to be like iconic soccer star, David Beckham, complete with ridiculous hair style and a skinny model girlfriend or like Brooklyn rapper,Jay-Z.
I already had a big nose and  lips thick enough to seal a burst NNPC oil pipe ,so, obviously Jay wasn't going to be that hard an act to follow.
Some kids in my clique though,...............brothers be tripping!
Some of them had the weirdest aspirations in life .
Some even grew up wanting to be Emirs.
I'm like 'Wow!Get out of here!'
Riding fancifully dressed horses and wearing turbans so tight one could barely give a nod and a wink in them?
That was waaaaaay outta my dream zone.
Needless to say,I've neither painted European soccer leagues red with goals nor had my ass whooped on an elevator while folks like Sanusi Lamido Sanusi seem to have achieved their lifelong dream of mumbling through a turban while addressing people.

We can't hear you at the back!

 
So,on the dreams actualization scale,mine appears to have been relegated to the back row,like all the black people at a T.B Joshua church service.
What's up with that by the way?
Stumbled upon an episode the other day on the telly and I could have sworn I was watching a church service holding in Latvia or some far flung Eastern European country.
Not until I saw four black apparently confessing witches running up from way back in the auditorium did I know that I was infact home.
And when I say way back in the auditorium, I mean waaaaaaaaaaaaay back.
I could barely make out Jim Iyke's long head far back on row 246.
I hear he's a top member now by the way.
Me thinks that with the black folks seated so far back,it would be wise to have a small taxi service for those on the spot deliverances.
Maybe those funny golf carts,what say you Oga Josh!
Anyhoo, it's fair to conclude that I'm neither a soccer nor rap star and the closest I've come to a star is the cold bottle I indulge myself with 3 working nights a week,every alternate Saturday and alternate Sundays at Mama Nkechi's  'Garden of Happiness'.
It's always a place to unwind and let loose.
Although,in the last few weeks we've had to keep one eye on our beers and the other on the road just in case a nutter with a few loose screws and an explosive laden vehicle happened to chance on our drinking hole.
Yesterday though was a hoot and a half!
All we wanted to talk about was the upcoming World Cup in Brazil.
For the next month,the biggest sporting party in the world would be held in its party capital!
For one month,soccer,samba and sand would morph into one incredible orgy of excitement!

And we wonder why he can't play no more..................

 
The best soccer teams in the world vying for the ultimate crown.
Heavyweights like Brazil,Argentina,Spain and Germany would be there battling for soccer victory in glorious sunshine.
Africa has sent its mandatory quota of five countries and we hope that unlike the black man who for some reason unknown to me always gets eaten first by the shark in horror movies,Africa's reps would respect themselves and at least survive the first round!
Unlike other World Cups though,Brazil promises to offer much more to visitors than just soccer.
It's a country as large and diverse as the boiling pot of 'Noah's Ark' pepper soup I could see from the corner of my eye at the end of Mama Nkechi's restaurant!
Glorious beaches,colourful carnivals and beautiful women.
Little wonder the first thing the Nigerian Football Supporters' Club asked for after securing their visas was 62 million condoms.
62 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You'd be hard pressed to find a merrier bunch of pervs!

As my friend Jude said, even if they planned to take a boat to Djibouti, you know that part of the African map that looks like a horn,line up and then sleep with all the women diagonally up to Rabat,Morocco, at the very end of the African map, I doubt if they would finish 62 million rubbers!
If Emeka was there;by the way, Emeka is that annoying guy in every group of friends who seems to stay up all night studying up on ways to suck the life out of every party,Emeka would have bored us to death with facts on how Brazil had transformed itself from a drowning 3rd world slum to an emerging world economic power in about 25years.
We'd probably have shut him up with a flaming bowl of pepper soup but still gone home and wondered where Nigeria got it all wrong.
I for one plan to enjoy every single moment of this tournament.
From boring pluck out your eyes matches involving counties like Honduras to exciting swashbuckling games involving giants like Nigeria, I hope to savour it all.
And if this is your first World Cup either due to age, lack of interest or like my mechanic Rauf who honest to God had no idea of such a competition said 'Oga,we no dey get that one for B.C.O.S for Oshogbo oh'
Just sit down,relax , watch with innocent wonder and don't bother trying to predict the winner.
The same sense of wonder I had when on my first visit to the Garden of Happiness, Mama Nkechi calmly told me she called her pepper soup 'Noah's Ark' because it contained 'all the animals'.
I'm still trying to figure out which animals exactly!
P.S:Super Eagles to win it!    
      T.B Joshua don seen it!
Follow The Flipside of Life on twitter @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:#Doro Boko, thieves of girls and other stories!

I've never really had a love for dreams.
Even as a kid,my dreams were always vivid and scary.
So it came as no surprise to me when just the other day I woke up screaming and totally soaked in sweat and gasping for breath due to what I had just witnessed in dreamland.
It started pretty mildly enough,with me in my living room watching the video to Don Jazzy's new hit single Dorobucci.
Don Jazzy took the first verse,all 120kg of fat in him trying to dance while at the same time trying to look cool.
It went pretty well but you would not believe for all the oil fields in the Niger-Delta who took the next verse!
It was my Commander-in-Chief,all decked up,complete with bowler hat looking like a Sudanese school teacher 30 years out of vogue.
'Doro Boko,(ehn ehn)
Doro Mad, (ehn ehn)
Doro Crazy, (ehn ehn)
Doro Terror, (ehn ehn)
Doro carry any girl wey Doro see oh oh,
Doro bomb anybody wey Doro jam ehn ehn,
Doro Haram,
e be like say we no fit catch am,
Doro mad pass militants wey don dey mad before'

My Physiology teacher back in the day ,God rest his soul, always believed that your dreams were a fair reflection of your environment and your present thoughts and preoccupation.
In a crazy country, you definitely would dream crazy dreams.
Its been a month or so to remember or to forget,depending on how you view disasters.
My Psychology teacher used to say....................you know what,he was never the  sharpest tool in the box, so I'm just gonna skip what he said and save you some megabytes.
But my emotions in the last month have ranged from surprise to fright for the nation at the level of terror pervading the land to fright for the level of intelligence of our leaders and their cronies to just a pure 'get me outta here' feeling.
Well.................................to be honest though the 'get me outta here' moment really had nothing to do with the events in the nation.
I think that was the weekend my car broke down, dead centre of the Third Mainland bridge with not a soul in sight apart from two Mermaids crying about how the hot new Merman from River Benue used and dumped both of them!
Benue people though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I've not had to follow so much drama in a short space of time since I stopped watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'.
How their male partners do not realise that their careers and lives always go down the drain after stepping foot on that show is way beyond me, my beef for them and my barely five figure salary.
Anyhoo, two bombings, a kidnapping, a presidential media chat for the ages and a very First Lady like outpouring of grief later, we somehow are still here.
Still going about our daily lives.
Still not too exhausted to start our generators in the evenings to follow the madness on the news.
Still alive.
Tensed and scared.
But somehow still alive.
Musa Yaro  up north wakes up every morning and prepares to go to the office,farm or grazing fields and  wonders if he would make it back home in one piece while Gbenga Okonkwo down south glances in alarm at every very dark skinned fellow with an accent slightly different from his who dares to sneeze with his arms outstretched;wondering if this was the day terror came South!
But strangely we seem to have gotten used to the killings and bombings
The daily murders been committed by the infamous 'unknown gunmen'  up North have become little more than happenings in a remote part of our land.
We know it's there but we refuse to truly acknowledge it.
In fact,very much like the famous 'Expo' of days gone by,you know its tucked somewhere in your inner thigh but you don't dare glance at it until you totally have to!
But the kidnappings?
That shook us!
276,220,210,even 2,whatever the number.
The fact that young innocent girls could be boarded up into trucks like feverishly excited University of Benin girls been taken taken for an Igbinedion(Lucky or Gabriel,take your pick) after party and carried away in the dead of the night was too much to bear.

Even Nollywood agrees!

Even if it happened in the Northernmost border of Nigeria.
Even if it happened at the bottom of Lake Chad or just across the border from the Palace of the Oba of Mali,the fact that it happened within our borders and our government said nothing for three weeks appears to have stunned and shook us in equal measure.
Nigeria,a nation of 'It-is-wellers' and passive-aggressives,poured its people out unto the streets to speak out in one voice to #BringOurGirlsBack.
World leaders have taken turns to express disgust at the act and also express support for the Nigerian government in its quest to get these girls back.
Nigerian celebs have also taken to twitter,more in an effort to gain publicity than anything else but we thank them all the same.

A placard with an hash tag would have done just fine bro.Just fine!

CNN has made casting Nigeria as a whole in bad light as its next God sent mission.
In a week when Nigeria was supposed to get all the world's media attention from hosting the World Economic Forum,CNN chose to portray us as a nation of terror and for that we also thank them.
We know that the next plane crash,earthquake or landslide somewhere would get them scampering off like my Etisalat data plan;here today,gone tomorrow!
Anyway,Something tells me we'll get those girls back.
Every one of them.
Not a hair out of place.
Not a scar on the face.

Oga Bola,na only you write this thing?You for ask person na!

Why am I so confident?
Because there is indeed God and good always prevails over evil and secondly.....................................the Americans just sent Jack Bauer!
#Doro Bauer!

P.S:@drsid, I serioously doubt that your 'knack' line.With that pot belly?????????Nigger please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Follow the flipside of life @doctorrotcod

A missing plane,an immigration test,Nigeria's magical mathematics and other stories!

It's been a while I tell you!
A real long time.
Maybe not as long as we have had to wait for Knaan to release another hit song since 'Waving flag' but long enough!
Don't you dare laugh Skuki,don't you dare!

I'm not one to hate on young men hustling.So,I'm just gonna put this picture here and see if you folks remember them.

A lot of water has passed under the proverbial bridge and if you're one of those who prefer animal idioms,like my cousins Ram-sey and Lion-el(oh!!!!!I see!),a lot of goats have indeed escaped from the pen since I last wrote.
Talking about goats,my pet goat,Ukambo,just delivered the most amazingly adorable kids you're ever likely to see across the length and breadth of this beautiful country of ours.
Excluding Borno,Yobe and Adamawa of course!
I doubt if anyone would willingly risk life and limb by going to those states just to prove they can find better looking baby goats than mine.
Anyway,all sorts have have happened in the past month or so and like a Mr Biggs pizza,none of them good.
First,we woke up to the Nigerian Immigration Service trying to make more money off already raving poor young Nigerians in the name of a recruitment drive.
I happened to drive by the stadium on said morning and for the life of me thought there was either a soccer game on or rapture had taken place and for some strange reason the National Stadium Lagos was the...................erm.......erm..... transit station or something.

Changed my mind.Too many black men.Cannot be rapture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And like it wasn't bad enough to fleece them,they had to kill a couple probably just for laughs.
It was like back in the day when you weren't satisfied till you heard that slurping sound at the end of a Ribena pack!
The NIS guzzled those poor young Nigerians to their deaths with  poor planning and then offered their family members paltry jobs at the end.
Like somewhere in the minister's village jobs could somehow replace life.
Even the once famous Okija priest at the height of his powers would have found that hard to do!
Sad.
Very sad indeed!
Maybe not as sad or maybe just as sad as what family members of the victims of the crashed/hijacked/missing/used for ritual sacrifice Malaysian Airline MH370 plane must be going through right now.
It sort of opens your eyes to how vast the Earth really is.
And how small and insignificant man is against the sheer force and will of nature and fate.
By the way,that's exactly what I told the first girl I ever laid my 'A' game on.
Needless to say,I've never tried that 'nature' pick-up line since.
Not much of a winner I tell you.
Not much of a winner!
Anyway,various countries and superpowers have tripped over themselves trying to help with the search.
All sorts of fancy search planes,ships and futuristic gizmo have been unleashed.
Even China,with all it's obviously 'Made in China' equipment have indeed been on the forefront of the search,squinty eyes and all!
Picking up pings and locating plane debris where none existed.
China reminds me of that kid back in Uni whose Dad had just stuck his knife in the National cake.
From fellowship to beer parlour to club,everybody must know say levels don change.
But as my father would say,it's all in the effort!
And for that,Chinaman,we salute you.
We now know though,that whichever way the saga of the missing plane ends,we only hope and pray that the families get closure.
And maybe more importantly,Nollywood does not make a movie out of it!
And that my friends is the truth.

Oga Chico Ejiro,who am I to say you should not eat!!!!!!!

What is a lie though,a raging lie if I might add,is the current attempt to bamboozle Nigerians with talk of  increased 'GDP' and how we apparently are now the largest economy in Africa and trying to equate this mathematical magic with an improved standard of living for the average Nigerian.
The day   I go to the club and pop champagne with a wallet full of 'GDP' without 'Tiger',that's 'Mr Tiger' to you by the way,not make me do the frog jump across the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge with a dozen Moet on my head,that would be the day ,my friends,that would be the day.
And I'm sure that my gate man Haruna and his seven children have far less important needs like food,clean water,decent education keeping them up at night than mine.
GDP does not put food on the table.
In other climes it might.
But Nigeria,Africa's giant is not other climes,so it doesn't.
Nigerians do not know the effect of an ever increasing Gross Domestic Product on their lives and trying to sell that would be a lie.
Gross Domestic Poverty,that we know.
And just like King Solomon 'knew' all the fine chicks in Israel back in the day,that we know very well!!

P.S:Shout out to Tiger.You never made me frog jump now did you.But you did threaten!You sure did threaten!

Follow the flipside of life on twitter @doctorrotcod and holla for all your creative writing and copy writing needs.

Nigeria,before the 100 years.A prequel!

No Primary or Secondary school Social Studies examination worth it's salt or any other condiment for that matter was and I hope is still complete without a question on the amalgamation of Nigeria or who the first Governor-General of Nigeria was.
And folks like myself,who knew that bad as e bad,the question was always gonna 'come out' would tick 1914 or the name Lord Lugard with great relish like renown scholars and go on racking our brains on the 20 blank answer options before and after the 'Lugard' question.
But I can tell you without any fear of contradiction or fear of being brandished a liar,that Lord Frederick Dealtry Lugard,or D-wizzle as the boys used to call him,was a really pissed of man in the spring of 1912 when word filtered to him that he was to be redeployed to West Africa and in particular to the sandy emptiness of Northern Nigeria.
At that time my friends,Fred was then serving and without a doubt putting his feet up as the 14th Governor-General of Hong Kong.
The world was his oyster and Oga Lugard planned to take it.
Infact word has it that Lugard's favourite song was indeed Oritsefemi's 'Double Wahala" and he would spend hours on the Hong Kong marina miming to it.

You dey jeje dey hate me as I am chopping my money.From London to Malaysia...............................................

Must have been a good time;nice weather,servants,not so beautiful women though but Fred wasn't a looker either and I doubt if he was the picky type.
To be fair to him,he had paid his dues earlier.Previously serving as the High Commissioner of Northern Nigeria between 1900 and 1906 and in between fighting the Emir of Kano and the Sultan of Sokoto on one end and battling the exhaustive heat of the Savannah,the sand flies and the never ending diet of the hardest meat he had ever had,Oga Fred must have been happier than a well fed pig in Kano when he was hurled off to HongKong.
So you can very well imagine his horror when he was told he had to pack it in and head back to the then Northern Protectorate of Nigeria.
If you can't imagine his horror,then imagine Skale's mother having just finished listening to her son's entire album(what mother's have to put with it ehn!!!!!!!!!!!!) and wondering if she should risk eternity in hell and tell him how great the album was or just call a spade by its first name,sit the boy down and buy him a JAMB form before he turns 30 and jobless!

Tell them jor!God that gave Dr Sid a hit song will  surely do your own too.

Anyway,Lord Lugard headed back,suit case in one hand and the lovely Flora Shaw on the other,to complete the one mandate given to him by the Lords back home in dreary Britain;the amalgamation of the British Empire's greatest cash cow,the Northern and Southern Protectorates of Nigeria.
Two completely different people.
In religion,character and indeed physicality.
Even Lugard himself described one party as solemn and conservative and the other as boisterous,carefree,vain,lacking little sense of veracity and in his words like a spoilt favourite child.
But this was a business project and no amount of diversity would derail it.
It wasn't about the locals convenience.
It was about bringing development and to provide resources and cheap labour to resource poor Britain.
It wasn't easy but Fred,just like he did when toasting his wife Flora Shaw, got the job done.
And the fact that he had to even wait till1918 as Governor-General of the newly unified colony grated him everyday.
Infact it is on record that on the day he was to leave the country finally,Fred had started off on his own,swimming down the Atlantic Ocean in a frantic battle between man and wave to get back to Britain.
Indeed,he was said to have jumped in around the Mansard head office end of the Bar Beach just before where Kuramo dey before(for those more familiar with the Kuramo description*wink wink*) and the ship was said to have caught up with him somewhere betweeen Badagry and Cotonou..
Okay it's not on record but neither is our missing 20 billion dollars!
We may look on with disgust at the ridiculous expense incurred during the centenary celebrations in Abuja and wonder what on earth we were celebrating.
Like those annoying folks who throw lavish parties for 28th,47th or 52nd birthdays.
We may wonder if the French president.Francois Hollande,did not have anything better planned for his Thursday night than to wine and dine in a country that had just lost about 50 young souls to murderers.
We may wonder and like Sammie Okposo,we may never know
Anyhoo,we have since tried to make the best of our forced union.
The colony has indeed transformed to a country.
We have had our ups and downs.
We have indeed had development.
We have had regressions.
We have infact had a war.
We have gained international acclaim for literature,sport,science and art.
We have also gained international disdain for fraud,bombings and kidnapping.
We have had it all but yet we still dey like an uninspiring but never really bad Tuface song.
And even when we nod and agree with many things Idris Abdulkarim sang on his hit record 'Jaga Jaga',we still wake up at 2a.m to watch the Super Eagles play.
We hate this country and we love this country.
The last 100 years have belonged to looters,foreign and domestic.

Una do well!

The next 100 years should belong to us!

P.S:pls follow on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Sanusi Lamido ,NNPC,the camel and the straw!

Nobody does Nollywood like Pete Edochie and no one does Pete Edochie like Pete Edochie.
Wherever Oga Pete is right now he can rest assured that God has indeed reserved a mansion for him in Nollywood heaven.
And if his preference is an apartment building with 24 units of four bedroom apartments like those horrid ones in Onitsha,he can also rest assured that our God is able-as Joel Osteen says,our God is indeed modern and pliable.
But more importantly,may God bless you for two things;one,for that fantastically cultured beard you have.
Lesser men have tried to keep a goatee as fabulous and have failed.
Failed miserably I tell you.
And secondly,for all your proverbs.
A proper Pete Edochie movie is never complete without a couple of proverbs.
Relevant or otherwise.
Even if Kanayo.O Kanayo had just hung himself on a tree at the village square because yet another village maiden just jilted him(they all do that for a reason Kanayo.They all do!), only Oga Pete would stroll past,stare meanly and look up at the tree and mutter something utterly silly like "a tree cannot make a forest except Amadioha refuses to give other trees a chance"

True Legend!

So when I woke up early this morning to the news of Dr Goodluck.J finally wielding the big stick and suspending the Central Bank Governor,Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(we heard the first Sanusi bro,we ain't deaf), it was obvious a 20  billion dollar straw had indeed broken the camel's back!
Mr Sanusi had a great run as the Central Bank Governor since 2009.
Cleaning up a banking industry on the verge of collapse,bringing inflation under 10% and stopping the Intercontinental Oceanic's of this world from using our hard earned kobos to buy private jets for their sons,mistresses and pastors to throw not so private parties.
More importantly,he opened our eyes to how opaque (pronounced o-peik, opakwe is my grandmother's dog) our financial system in relation to the National Oil Corporation was,is and will probably continue being.
If reincarnation were a thing,I'd give a front tooth just to come back as a smoke detector.so I could compare the murkiness and fog in the accounting offices of the NNPC and Jesse Jagz's recording studio!

Oliver Khan,she's a keeper!(What a line!and they say doing drugs is bad for you.Silly mutts!)

The man was not only ruffling feathers,he was also attempting to pluck out the feathers completely.
And as my mum used to say,if you talk too much while plucking a chicken,the feathers only attach back pronto.
Was SLS a saint?
No one is!
He had his failings.
He was probably too dramatic for the office he held.
Probably too political to be objective.
And hang me by my feet and call me a piglet, a dress sense so bad it was almost a joke.

I hear the horse could not make it through his office door!

As Pete Edochie would say,every story has a moral and Sanusi Lamido must know by now that trying to throw a beam of light into the darkness of Nigerian corruption is as useless as M.I Abaga wearing flats at a Reinhard Bonke revival!
As of today,the double named man trying to expose the cesspit that is the NNPC has just had its content splashed on his face.
Your move Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi!

P.S : Pls follow the flipout corner on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Too poor to be Gay!(happy)

Somewhere in Lagos,on a hot,humid evening at a bar down the road,the flipout corner chose to take a break.
This particular watering hole was where the young ones come to cool off after another predictably hard day in the never ending urban rat race.
Here,the major attractions contradict themselves;the drinks are cold and the women are hot!
Eyes tired,ties loosened,high heels replaced with more comfortable flats and Chidinma's 'Emi ni Baller' blaring through the speakers in an attempt to reinvigorate flagging spirits.
Unfortunately,it was the remix and we had to bear the tedium of Wizkid's mumblings for about two minutes but all in all it was turning out to be a good night.
Bang in the centre of the room,a group was gradually becoming the focus of attraction.
The topic was one that,depending on your side of the divide,could get you imprisoned in modern day Nigeria or on the obverse,could get you denied an entry visa at major Western embassies.

You 'happy'? If you no 'happy',no entry!

There were three main actors.
A twenty-something year old man;suave,complete with his suit and really expensive 'looking' shoes and swinging the keys to his apparently newly bought(with a work place loan I'm sure) Toyota something-something so wildly for all to see that you could feel the wind emanating from  the swing at the back of the room!
There were no prices or scholarships offered for guessing he was a Lagos banker.
The second guy had the worn out look of a guy in his mid-thirties,down on his luck and who increasingly wonders if it's too late to swim to Europe and wash dishes like his friend Ikenna did ten years ago.
Ikenna is a Chief in the village now mind you!
Don't ask me how I know,I just do!
All of a sudden we are punctuated by the sonorous voice of Sean Tizzle dishing out his usual dose of 4 or 5 lines in a song but damn does 'Mama Eh' make it sound good.
The third guy?You know what?I really don't know.
The guy could have trekked down from the Mainland for all I care.
Gradually, we all drop our drinks,shift our gazes surreptitiously to where the conversation was emanating from and had our eyes trained on our smart phones with all seriousness like we were chatting with the guy about to find a cure for Cancer.

Lagos Banker : .....................Are you really saying there are no gay people in Nigeria?

Worn out Guy : Exactly! It's not part of our culture.There are no homosexuals in this country.That's what they were called when I was growing up!

Lagos Banker : You don't say! When I was growing up, they were called thieves, now they're just called Politicians.
That's not the point anyway.Being gay is not something you decide, it's not a choice. They don't.........

Worn-Out Guy : Come,come,come!!!!!!! Don't just go there.My friend,don't go there at all.
What do you mean? Have you ever seen a he-goat or a he-dog sleep with another male?
(Turns to 3rd guy) Abi,what do you think?

3rd Guy : Yes,Yes I agree with you.

Lagos Banker : Are we now animals.I thought our highly developed brains took us above that level.
Being gay or as you crudely refer to it,homosexual,is not a disease. It's something you're born with.

Worn-Out Guy : What Medical School did you finish from again sef?

Lagos Banker : I'm not a doctor. I'm a ban....................

Worn-Out Guy : Exactly! So don't give me a lecture on what you don't know.


--------------------------GOAL--------------------------------------------
          (There goes Manchester United losing another game)

Worn-Out guy : Let's not copy things we don't understand.Because a couple of you have returned after one year doing a Masters degree at a University in London or America, not bigger than my one-room apartment.........sorry, I mean my three bedroom flat,you think you can bring all sorts of rubbish back here!

Lagos banker : Don't you think you're being discriminatory? Does this not take you back to the time of slavery in the West? Or the period of Apartheid in South Africa? Are you not inferring that gay people are less human than you?
And are you not in the least bit worried about our perception in global politics with this Anti-Gay bill?
(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or what do yo think?

3rd Guy : Hmmm.Hmmm. I agree with you.

Worn-Out Guy :First of all,we should never let perceptions cloud our judgements.
Russia and the United Arab Emirates have stricter Anti-Gay laws and yet Westerners and Nigerian 'activists' still flock to Dubai like a buch of PDP defectors to the APC!
And I see that we're having a history class now?
Does this not take you back to when homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness?
Do you wonder what paedophilia would be considered as in few years?


Lagos Banker : Come on!! Really!!! Really!!!!!!!! Are you comparing this to paedophilia? Really????

Worn-Out Guy : You know what? This story don dey too long. My bible and my Pastor do not support it.
End of story! If the Bible says no,then it's no. In fact,you should ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?"

(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or am I wrong?


3rd Guy : Sure,Sure.I agree with you.

(WHOLE BAR TURNING TO 3RD GUY AND SCREAMING IN UNISON) : You know what? Just shut up if you don't have a point to make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lagos Banker : I'm also a Christian and I don't think any religion supports it but we all do things our religions frown upon.
I mean,there's some good quality porn on your phone,sorry I checked,but I don't remember Jesus leading the disciples to 'The Slick" back in the day.

(History has it that 'The Slick' was the first fully commercialised strip joint in Galilee back in the day. True story. I swear!)


Worn-Out Guy : Erm,Erm....I don't know how that got there.Must have come with the phone!

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the fact is Pro-Gay activists look down on people who are in support of the bill as been primitive and crude but forget that cultures actually differ.
Western culture spits at polygamy,why should we not spit back?

Lagos Banker : I agree with you on that point and if it were a spitting contest I'd leave it at that but it's a battle between rights and culture and a forthright intellectual appreciation of both sides is neede......................

---------------------------------------------PHONE RINGS-------------------------------------------


Worn-Out Guy picks phone : Hey darling. I'll be home soon. Just working late.
The music in the background?
What music?
Oh................................the music!(giggling)
Funny story......someone came up with the idea at work that since 9ice was so redundant and cheap to hire these days,we could get him to amuse those of us working overtime.
Funny right!
Hello?
Hello?
Poor reception.
Home soon.

(Drops phone)

Gotta run guys.
(Turning to 3rd Guy)
Erm.......Ermmmmmmmm......Would have dropped you off but I'm not really going your way.

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd Guy : It's okay. I'll just trek back to the Mainland. It's cool this time of the night.

P.S: Follow @doctorrotcod on the twitter machine.

2013 in 13 paragraphs!

  2013 like all other years in Nigeria started with all sorts of declarations and mantras. People who had not stepped a foot in church all year had dp's and pm's filled with them; 'My year of Unrestrictable Increase'. 'My year of progress a.k.a All Enemies must Die! 'Who tie my goat?My Year of Breaking Free!' And it started really well to be fair. No New Year day bombings and electricity seemed,at least in Lagos anyway, to be on the up.
  But very much like Sunday Mba's performance at the Nations Cup,the air of expectation became too much for the people in power to handle and the rest of the year ended with a whimper almost as disappointing as Tiwa Savages' album 'Once Upon A Time'.You could tell she had good intentions but I'm not sure if it's all the free Pepsi she's been guzzling or just having to share a studio with Dr Sid,talentless people emit a bad vibe,you know!
  For a brief period though,we were still hopeful!Despite all the rumors of unmitigated corruption,oil theft and unhindered violence in parts of the country,we were still hopeful.But somewhere along the line it dawned on us,that like Wizkid's Bentley that has been 'coming sooner' for a while or 9ice's Grammys, hope was indeed a dangerous thing to have in present day Nigeria.
  Anyways,we adjusted.And as Nigerians,we did what Nigerians do best.Live with unfulfilled expectations and accept our stock in life.Little wonder D'banj came scurrying back to Nigeria.Brother went from packed shows in Europe at the start of the year to becoming a glorified wedding singer by year end.
  2013 also witnessed the re-rise of political jobbers like Doyin Okupe,the senior special adviser to the President on Public Affairs.Remember the kid in high school who always told incredible lies but you let him cos you wondered how someone could think such things up?Well Chief Okupe is that kid and 2013 rewarded him and folks like him to the hilt.
  I'm not complaining though.Politics as always been a game of convenience.You can only feel comfortable with house mates who let you eat from the pot;God Bless you Osasu Oviawe and Frank Ineke(my first flatmates as an independent teenager)wherever you may be in this world for always leaving the pots empty.Anyhoo,the decamping of certain governors from the PDP to the APC late in the year gave life to the saying,'No permanent enemies just permanent interests'.Just ask Mike Ezuronye!

THEN...............................

NOW..........................Nna,you no come Lagos count bridge true true!

  The on-again off-again death of a certain member of a certain group of armed men causing havoc in a certain part of the country was and is still a major source of concern to all Nigerians.It reminds me a lot of Zaki Azay,just when you thought you had heard the last of his mind numbing music and Tiger battery powered flash light,he pops up again and sucker punches you with another lame attempt at a come back!
  The year also witnessed more 'strikes' than the U.S drone missions in Afghanistan.It was like every Tom,Dick and their cousin Larry(I have a good friend called Harry,so I'm sure you'd excuse me this one) with enough dexterity to knot a tie and walk straight without tripping over could hold this country to ransom with industrial actions.Education,Medical even electricity workers............apparently it's not only @basketmouth that has a warped sense of humor.
  I'm starting to sound real negative now aren't I? But God knows I wouldn't feel comfortable without a Tontoh Dikeh analogy to round up the year and the fact that Miss Poko decided 2013 was the year she was going to bless us with the gift of her musical genius and make a mess of the giant strides being made in that industry kinda tells you all you need to know about the sort of year 2013 was.
  There was some good news though.Hate him or love him but Al Dangote's(that's what we his friends on Twitter call him) continued climb up the rich list and his continued belief and investment in Nigeria is a perfect example of how political contract beneficiaries can uplift the unemployed and impoverished around them.By the way,Oga Timaya can learn a thing or two from Al. Na only you dey fat for that your 'Dem Mama' group.And you know what they say about hungry men!

Even the group name is in smaller capitals than yours Oga Timaya!

  Lest I forget,Some one tell the Golden Eaglets to TURN UP!I have no idea what it means and I'm sure as hell that I used it wrong but I said it anyways and I like it!But someone please tell them,wherever they may be this second that they made me mighty proud this year and I hope their wives and young children are too.
  Lastly,every year has it's 'Man of the Year' and if the award was for absolutely banging tunes,hair to kill for and an absurd dress sense,then Phyno without a doubt would be my 'Man of the Yeah".But the men and women of the Nigeria Army who sacrifice their lives daily in the sandy ruins of North Eastern Nigeria,in a war many Nigerians pretend is not happening are without any doubt my 'Men and Women of 2013".

I honestly don't know why you guys do it but your country salutes you.

  They deserve that and indeed an extra paragraph!
P.S The Flipout Corner is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod