Dear God, things are not alright! (A West African's letter to God. An Ebola plea)

                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                          No 1, West Africa



 God,

1, Ibukunoluwa Avenue,

Heaven ( possibly very close to America)
                                                   
                                                     Sir,
                                                   
                                                         It is I, one of your many many long lost  children. My name is Dayo but I'm guessing you know that already.

But hold on oh! 

Not the Dayo that  attends that Love of world or something church somewhere in Lagos oh!The one with more light skinned women than a Light Up Nigeria T.v commercial and an even lighter skinned pastor who just split from his wife....................Now I'm just rambling.

That Dayo pays his tithe regularly, gives super offerings and generally makes sure pastor's private jet is fuelled and ready to take the gospel to all men!

This Dayo, not so much.

You might be more familiar with him because our Men Of God i.e your men , this side of the world tell us those things matter to you more than purity of the heart.

All my diamonds watching, now my watches getting jealous! 

Something tells me it's not very true though!

Sir, you see, I've known you for some time now.
My parents know you.
My parents parents knew you and they all told me great things about you.
Chief amongst them been your heart of forgiveness, loving kindness and how only good things come from you.

Even on those Sunday mornings  when I walk into your house with a slight shuffle in my gait, not because  like David I was always overjoyed to enter into your house but because I might have had one too many shots of Jack the night before, you still search deep into my  soul and sieve out the best in me.

Even  when as a whole, the entirety of West Africa has been a cesspit  of corruption, mindless civil wars, despots, crime and fraud, a lesser god would have cut his losses, set  a wildfire upon the land and then act all surprised when the cops come around for questioning.
 But not you sir!

Though,we've had many losses, You've always kept West Africa  away from total collapse. 

For that we thank you.
This Ebola though, we do not understand.

 The fact that our leaders siphon money meant for developing and maintaining public health systems is a given and that we understand.

Infact, Chief Theophilus 'ThisLifeTooSweet' Ajayi, our Federal Senator was in the village the other day to inspect his country villa currently under construction.

You should see the house Baba, it is a magnificent sight alongside the villagers huts and we are so proud of him. 

But how does  that translate to our inability to stop this Ebola scourge that is clearly a plague from the Devil!




We also understand that though quality education is  on the government's list of development goals, it's probably farther down that list than a pair of jeans on an upcoming Nigerian artist's behind!

But then again, how does poor education and irrational thinking aid the spread of this deadly virus? We truly do not know but what we know is that the Devil is a liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have lost thousands Daddy.

Last count was about 4000 across Guinea, Liberia, Sierra Leone and Nigeria.

CNN has even constructed a special Ebola map for us  as if living here with it was not enough reminder, but we thank them.

The Americans, who are technically our brothers since we are all your children, have helped a bit.
They could do more though but even I stopped picking Hakeem, my brother's call, when every casual call to 'check on me' always ended  with a 'quick favour'.

But beyond sending soldiers and increasing airport screening, they could actually consider helping to strengthen the health systems of the key countries.

By the way, since Heaven is so close to America, could you help us, the poor people of West Africa, ask Mr Obama  why every AMERICAN patient treated in AMERICA survives the virus?

Amma just sit by this cup of  hot Lipton and await  the answer.

Finally Lord I don't know if you've come across any of my prayer requests.

Pastor says I can donate to purchase something for the church a.k.a himself and then watch as my request gets to you faster than it  allegedly took Governor's Fayose's thugs to land a backhand on Oga judge's face in Ekiti State.

Let it be on record that I only allegedly supervised the slapping!

Top on the list was an American visa. 

Top on the list is still an American visa.

But you gotta act fast and stop this Ebola, those embassy boys ain't playing no more! 

Yours faithfully,
Dayo,
Your West African son.
 

The curious case of Goodluck Jonathan!

I've never been a shoe man!
I've always seen them as nothing more than an entrapment for our feet with which we step on the soil.
I honestly doubt if I've ever owned two decent pairs at the same time at any point in my life.
Infact, if I had my way, apart from buying Dencia an umbrella to protect her skin from the sun, I'd  probably be waltzing through the streets of Lagos care free and shoeless like a half crazed, beach seeking Cele priest!
It's no surprise we have laws to keep us from having our way most of the time.

Anyway, little wonder I got drawn to President Jonathan  during his first campaign for office.
The thought of a little shoeless Joe, all shiny black skinned, with his little weeny bowler hat safely harnessed on his head like a flying saucer made from cotton, wool, linen or whatever in God's name those horrid hats are made from, fishing rod in one hand and the latest edition of Ikebe Super in the other was a draw too strong for me and I believe many other Nigerians.
By the way, there's a 25-40 year old man somewhere in Nigeria as we speak sweating bucket loads as he tries his utmost best to lie as he is been quizzed by his 5year old son about Ikebe Super!

Ikebe Who??????????????? Ikebe What??????????????

God be watching you  live and in HD on those new curved Samsung TV's my brother!

Anyhoo, we saw Oga Joe not only as one of us but indeed us.
The humble man from the backwaters who rose to be king.
Otuokpe could be Iyin in Ekiti State or Obiaruku in Delta for all we cared.
For a minute and half or so, we envisioned ourselves, not in our dreary, sweltering, mosquito infested apartments but about to step foot into the Presidential Villa.
The Villa, where we had heard great fables about Chewey, the imported Pakistani mountain goat in the Aso Zoo who usually had coffee alongside his breakfast on cold mornings.

Omo, see life!!!!!!!!

We told ourselves that because we had seen suffering up close and could recognise it in the dark, we would not get carried away by this new found tax payer funded opulence.
That just like Patoranking stuck to his Girlie 'who loved him when he had no dime', we would remember the people on the streets.
We thought that hard work and indeed goodluck had finally brought us or at least a man very much like us into power.
 It's been years of Oga Joe's rules and it seems, just like Portiphar did when he felt he could trust his wife alone at home with a hunky Joseph, we thought wrong!

The people on the street are as poor as they've ever been.
The people on the streets are as hungry as they've ever been.
And whoever told you a hungry man never bothered nobody probably never met Terry G in the early days!

The people are angry not only because they can't afford to feed but because of a growing disconnect between a man they trusted and the close to a 100 million stuck in the mire of 'Squalor Nigeria'.
The poor don't care about mathematical speeches on macro-econimics.
The poor sure as hell don't care  if our GDP is large enough to fit Banky W's head like a cap.

Adamu in Gwoza does not care about newly found oil fields in Bayelsa. He wonders why he has been left to his fate to possibly die a cruel death in the hands of bandits.

Chijioke in Orlu does not care if Hyundai has started coupling plastic cars somewhere in Lagos. It's not like he's ever gonna afford one in his life time anyway.
He wonders why his wife had to die at childbirth alongside many others in his town.

Sarah in her dingy little hair dressing salon powered by a Tiger generator that had definitely seen better days and was now coughing up its last spurts of black poisonous fumes, wonders where the humble man who had promised to make life, even if not for her but at least for her young daughter better, had disappeared to.

Her generator had been working way before Oga Joe's tenure and seemed destined to work long after.

This man was no Patoranking.

A well fed, self praising Timaya more like!

To say the GEJ administration has not attempted some good would be grossly unfair. The policies have just not benefited the poor majority who fought on his side during the heady days of succession or no succession.

Instead, we have a group of newly minted Nigerians, probably less than a thousand of them, feeding fat on our ever increasing GDP.

With an election year fast approaching, it would be wise to remember that this new breed of fancy suit wearing, G-Wagon driving Nigerians would probably spend election Saturday sleeping off a Friday night of drunken debauchery while Adamu, Sarah and Chijioke, despair on face and revenge in mind, populate that voting queue.

P.s: She love me for very long time,
      Long time,
      She love me when me get no dime
           -Patoranking.

Follow the The Flipout Corner @doctorrotcod

Female suicide bombers and their equal opportunity employers!

My Great-Grandmother Olori (that's Queen of Africa,to my ignorant American readers) Beatrice must be dancing Sekem in her grave right about now.
All 200 and something pounds of her!
In her day,a woman's place was a tiny 8 by 8 square metres of prime real estate where the family's meal originated from.
And after toiling all day to feed a horde of ravenous children; and I mean feed!!!!! Not in this day of Indomie,two eggs and one Chivita; she had to then proceed to the bedroom to fulfil her other obligation to her fully fed husband and master!
And as Martin Luther King once famously said just before the start of the Second World War, a fully fed man odikwa equal to two he-goats!
They're weren't female doctors, lawyers, accountants, biochemists or engineers at the top of their game in Olori Beatrice's day.
And they sure were no female bankers dressed in skirts so mini, guys be coming into the banking halls just to 'crosscheck' if they used a black or blue pen to sign their last cheque about a month ago!

My dear, I think the 'O' in OKafor in my name was spelt as Zero, Okwa!

Regardless of how the foreign media tries to portray Nigeria as a backward nation of girl slaves,the fact remains that Nigeria has one of the highest number of high achieving,well educated women.
Women with good education,values and a sense of self worth, who can stand head to head with with any in the world.
Women who have fought hard to break barriers and put themselves in good stead to compete with anyone.
So when news broke that teenage girls were been used on a suicide bombing orgy around the streets of Kano yesterday, my heart sunk!
Sunk to depths lower than the catfish pond behind my house; no more wasting money at Mama Nkechi's joint. If Adam could cook his own dinner while Eve was frolicking with the devil,who am I not to???
Anyhoo, no suicide bomber is good; man,woman, boy, girl or donkey.
Yep!Donkeys!
Apparently the Palestinians use donkey suicide bombers.
I'll give them an A for twisted minded ingenuity.
You can't be a coffee drinking,newspaper reading dude to come up with that.

Duration and purpose of visit please?

Anyway,if the insurgents in the North-East oppose female upliftment, education and portray them as the infinitely weaker sex but see nothing wrong with using them at the forefront of their war,that's double standards as not seen since the days of paedophile priests!
I just hope and pray that some form of brainwashing and coercion involving the kidnapped girls is not at play here.
Really pray!
The wave of bombings in Kano involving teenage girls opens up a new frontier in this madness.
One that completely takes away the innocence from those we strive to protect.
We love our women in Nigeria and they typically tend not to get as thoroughly frisked or harassed at check points but in this day and age of terrorism,Sunny Nneji was right about something; 'This Ikebe fit put e you for trouble'

P.S: To all the Indomie cooking wives out there who keep 9-5 jobs, take care of the kids and still manage to stay sane,you all are the real heroes!
Pls follow the FlipSide of Life on twitter @doctorrotcod

The man who saw tomorrow;Ayo Fayose and the Rice of the PDP!

For those familiar with the machinations(Somebody get me Konga.com NOW NOW!A bottle of their finest hair gel for Pastor Kris Okotie) of this blog,you probably are used to this by now.
Me disappearing for weeks on end without writing jack squat or writing something as unsatisfactory as a Patience Jonathan W.A.E.C English essay might have been.
Might have been I say.
You never know with these things.
Its just like when stutterers sing fluently.
For all we know,little Miss Patience might have been a little Ikwerre Shakespeare.
Writing ballards and shit!

Tell them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most times its easy and convenient to blame the absence on work pressure from other sources but truth be told,half the time I just run short on ideas.
No matter how much I cajole the brain to function,it just comes back emptier than Etcetera's music awards gallery.
Etce who??????????????
As my mother would say,na so dem dey ask person!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, writing about the continous cycle of bombs,raids and deaths in Nigeria gets disheartening real quick.
And as myself and other delegates in the 'Garden of Happiness' parliament suggested earlier this week,only if we could get Tiwa Savage to go easy on the make-up.
The girl wears enough make-up to bring peace to the Middle East or at the very least,Borno State!
Any road,the elections in Ekiti state about two weeks back caught my eye.
And if my stunning looks does not give away he fact that I'm an Ekiti man,I wonder what will?
Against all expectation,Ayo Fayose,the once accused phantom poultry farmer,was once again elected governor.
I had the opportunity of watching Mr Fayose storm to the Ekiti State Government house in the early years of democracy till he ran 'fowl' of the law and was deposed.
His method was simple.
While his opponents serenaded the crowd with promises of high sped rail,Wi-fi coverage and flying cars,he simply did the needful.
He identified a need and filled it.
At the time,Ekiti State was suffering a water supply shortage that would have made the Israelite wilderness travails seem like a day in the life of Davido!
He simply hired water tankers and supplied towns and villages with water free to villagers who had been left to trekking to streams for their supplies like a bunch of confused young girls in a Nollywood movie.
By the way, a word for those girls.
If by now you do not know that the village rapist usually chills by the foot path to the stream then you probably don't know shit!
So Mr Fayose went from hamlet to village to town distributing water.
And as absurd as this may sound,somewhere at the back of the mind of the voters they probably felt that if he could distribute water as a candidate,as Governor,they would surely have water flowing into their homes and maybe even one of those Japanese toilets that supposedly splash some water on your behind once you done.
We all know what happened after he got into office don't we?
Its all water under the proverbial bridge now though.
So,when pictures  of the PDP distributing mini-bags of rice to the people surfaced  on the Internet just before this round of elections,it was obvious he was simply trying a tried and tested pattern.
I mean,if something worked for you in the past,why change it?
Except if you're Cabo-Snoop of course.

Those skinny jean only take you so far bro!

Any change,Fayose seemed to have identified the crippling poverty and hunger facing the people.
Not just in Ekiti but across the length and breadth of this country and chose to pick on it this time around.
Contrary to what they might tell you,a hungry man is very rarely an angry man.
Confused,docile,amenable to easy manipulation and generally willing to sell his birthright more like.

At least Esau's was cooked already.This one's will still buy oil,pepper and Maggi!

Fayose had and still has no plans for Ekiti development but he won  in a landslide.
And that hurts.
For a state once revered for having more professors than all the high school graduates put together in Sokoto State..................................Sorry...............Hold on one second...................Mr Commissioner for Education Sokoto on the line?.............Hello.............Those are 1962 figures you say?..................Ehen?
Seriously though,the opposition needs to know that beyond development and infrastructure,politics of the belly is also vital.
You need to satisfy peoples short term needs to have them believing in your long term goals.
No amount of flower planting can placate a hungry man.
Except their edible flowers though.
There's another election coming up in Osun State and Iyiola Omisore the PDP candidate in between mouthfuls of corn seems to be borrowing a leaf from the Fayose Ekiti playbook

Only in the Third World would this men be contesting for public position.

If Asiwaju Tinubu and the APC do not want to lose their stranglehold on the SouthWest,I can only urge them to in the immortal words of Lax ft Wizkid...........
Ginger oh...................
Ginger................
Ginger oh.................
Ginger.............

P.S: the flipside of life is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod