Oya Limpopo!

About 6 months ago when my cousin,an equally under-employed young man with way too much time on his skinny hands,and I came across KC's song 'Limpopo',he swore to me in between fits of raucous(not too sure what that means but it sounds like something a jobless guy would do) laughter  that the Nigerian music industry had finally reached its Nollywood moment.
It just could not possibly get any worse!
His verdict was,anyone one who bought the CD would be using it as a make shift rear-view mirror(just ask the bus drivers in Lagos) not too long after purchase.
I,on the other hand,due to numerous life experiences,I'm always a lot slower in over-rating the Nigerian youth.
I believed the song had three essential elements of a Nigerian hit.
First,an absolutely jamming beat!It might seem like what any half-wit with a barely charged Acer laptop and an even less charged brain m ight be able to come up with but to the Nigerian music scene,that's pure gold wearing a pair of Nike sneakers and jumping into your pocket!
Secondly,3 or 4 lines,and if you are an aspiring high school drop out and thinking of taking the next logical step into the Nigerian music industry,never more than 5 dear,of absolutely senseless and meaningless lyrics repeated over and over again.
Daddy Showkey had that revelation in a dream almost 20 years ago and it has been passed on to generations on end after him.

Thirdly,a one-word title.Which must and I dear say this is the most important,mean absolutely nothing.
Just ask Kukere,Tongolo,Nogede and Alanta before him.
Fast forward to 6 months and the song is an absolute monster.
Club,radio and video.
My faith in the rabid ability of the Nigerian youth to soak up all sorts of nonsense around it like a cheap Chinese sponge was eventually not misplaced.
Anyways,I've just completed a two weeks break from work,the real one and this one,and I feel completely refreshed though some parts of my brain is still dulled from watching too much of the Nigerian music channel Sound City.
It was tedious 8 out of 10 times.I really could not tell Sean Tizzle,Ketchup,Rayce or Davido and a host of others apart.
It seems they all just sleep at the front gate of the same producer and tell each other "You know what?when the guy drops the beat in the morning,we'll all just drop our lyrics on the same beat and hope for the best!"
It wasn't all that bad to be honest.There are some good young Nigerian musicians doing good music.
The boy Black Magic springs to mind with 'Repete' and 'Confam'.
Shank with 'Ghetto'(not a new song but vastly under-rated).
Mode Nine's 'Let it go' is hot.True rap music.
By the way,somebody help Mode Nine with an endorsement deal;Glo,Mtn even Loya Milk,any one please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude's been dropping good rap music for the past 10 odd years but his records sell less than the chap who hawks 'I love Boko Haram' T-shirts down my street.
Then the videos!!!It's like porn on daytime T.v.
There are more half naked girls on those videos than a Swaziland wife choosing ritual.

Maybe I exaggerate a little!

My representation of the music industry might be a tad unfair but it's what I saw in 2 weeks and if you don't agree with me,go get yourself a blog and write what you think.
At least before President Jo shuts the Internet down!
Follow @doctorrotcod

Butchers,DemDonCrazy Day and the Nigerian Governors Forum!

So much water has passed under the proverbial bridge since we last gisted and I'm guessing that if not for the rehabilitation work done on the 3rd Mainland bridge a while back,the poor bridge might just have collapsed from the sheer force!
Its been two weeks or so of non-stop action.
From murderous Isale-Eko butchers turned British citizens to state governors having a laugh at our collective expense by competing in a ball-sizing competition in Abuja to today's celebration of Democracy Day.
Happy Democracy Day by the way.
I woke up this morning to loud cheerful noises on my street.
Hundreds of residents had lined my streets,waving flags fervently like a bunch of epileptic children and singing the National Anthem with pride.
I quickly raced down the stairs to join the fray to ask what all the joyful commotion was about and I was told 'Duh!Its democracy day.We are celebrating"
I hurriedly rushed over to the makeshift kiosk where Nigerian flags were being handed out to grab mine.
Until.................................the loud banging on the metal barricade I call my apartment door and my security man's shrill voice yelling 'Oga,I wan off the gen oh.You know say light never dey this week  make you for allow the thing rest small' woke me up from my slumber.
It's just one of those holidays I don't get.
You don't celebrate what you don't have.
You don't see a 'Proud Ferrari owner' sticker on my jalopy Mazda now,do you?
So why on earth are we?
That also reminds me by the way.
I need to get a 64 inch screen T.V at the very least.
I was watching a DemDonCrazy Day town hall meeting today on the NTA,all the government officials seemed to be tripping over themselves to see who could stick their foot up the asses of Nigerians the farthest by spewing forth all sorts of 'facts and figures,and I swear Pius Anyim Pius could not fit into my 32 inch screen.
All I could see was an obese and armless Pius saying more crap than a half-crazed Micheal Adebolajo on British T.V.
Apparently,democracy ain't working out too shabbily for Oga Pius.

What I do?

That brings me full circle to the Nigerians involved in  the U.K attacks.
Say what you may,those boys are as Nigerian as the boy that sells me pirated CD's at Ikeja 'Under bridge'.(By the way,Pirated is the name of a rock group,so the boy sells me original copies of Pirated's latest works*straight face*).
If Nigerians can try,as dumb as it seemed at the time,to try an attach some form of Nigerianess on the popular American rapper,Nas,or the British singer ,Taio Cruz because of their names,we might as well accept Michael Adebolajo,knives,meat cleavers and all!
It was a horrific attack.
The poor British soldier,hacked to death like Campos;a particularly spoilt goat my grandmother had in the village many years ago.The goat's favourite meal was Cabin biscuit and Fanta*I swear*

My guy Campos!

But that's a story for another time.
The shock on the streets of England was palpable.That such an horrific attack was taking place on a U.K street and not some far flung animal territory like Somalia or Lagos,shook the the society to its foundation.

Husband,Father,Hero.

The rise in self-radicalized individuals,be it Islamists or Christians,as the Norway mad man,Anders Breivik showed,must be a source of great concern to all reasonable governments worldwide.
Is Internet restriction a possibility?
I dunno?
But something has to be done and soon.
A brief consolation to Nigerians as to be the fact that one out of every five Africans is a Nigerian,so there's always a high statistical chance that when next you see a black man involved in criminality,he just might well be a Nigerian.
Its not a reflection of us as a people.
Its just a matter of numbers.
It also means that when you see a group of Black Governors acting like Orwellian characters,there's also a good chance that they just might be Nigerian.
Cut me up,fillet me and serve me as a tuna sandwich to Micheal Adebolajo but did the Governors and their Oga at the top misbehave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fact that Rotimi Amaechi was booted out office as Chairman of the NGF is not really the story for me but the fact that a video,purportedly shot by the incorrigible Governor of Osun State,Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola,showing the underhand tactics involved is what seems to be making rounds.
My interest does not lie in the possibility that the elections might have been allegedly rigged(that's been going on  for 14 years).
I'm just wondering and truly hoping,if,just maybe if,the dear Governor of Osun State might have some tips for movie producers in Nigeria.
Who knows,maybe then an end might be in sight for the shitty films been churned out in Nollywood.
P.S:Follow @doctorrotcod

Nigeria's 37th state!

In primary school,there were three things you don't dare come to the assembly ground without knowing;First was your multiplication table a.k.a times table,Second was the national pledge and Third was your states and capital.
Woe betide you and Mr Oshunkoya's koboko,in no particular order I dare say,if you were found wanting in any of these three.
I,as the unbelievably smart kid that I was.............True............ask my mum!
I always found the times table and the national pledge to be a bit of a breeze but states and capitals????Just never could the hang of it.

And I wonder why?

It was a really traumatic period.
Mind you,when I was in primary school Nigeria had just 30 states;it's not these days when every man,his nuclear family,ten cousins and their dogs have a state to themselves.
So I truly have no idea how kids cope with 36 states these days.
Anyway,on one sunny day in the early 90's under the ebelebo tree a.k.a fruit tree a.k.a almond tree(depending on what part of town you stayed) while pretending to do my home work under the not so watchful gaze of my Dad,it hit me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like a bolt out of the blue,I realised that all(well that's what I thought at the time)the northern states had their capitals named after the states.
Not until much later and a good dozen koboko lashes after,did I realise that because the people of Kano,Kaduna and Sokoto and a couple of others were too lazy and unimaginative(I can just visualise the head of the Capital naming committee all those years ago telling the rest "You know what folks?We've been here a good 4hrs,I don't know if you guys have much else to do at home but I've got a new 12 year old bride I'd love to get back to.So can we just wrap this  meeting up and just name the damn capital Kano?Koh!)

Daughter?.........Sister?...............Wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

,the good people of Borno had to be the same.
Maiduguri.
That's the capital of Borno.
That ancient city in the north-east of the country.
The once quiet and beautiful(#eyeofthebeholderthingz) city has now become a killing field where men,women and children have been gunned down and blown up in their hundreds in the last 2years and any semblance of law and order seems to have taken a tumble into Lake Chad.
Until a couple of days back when President Jonathan took the bull by the horn and announced on national T.V,looking all presidential and authoritative,standing tall........................................Hey Jude,was he standing during the address?..........What?...........You're not sure?........You did not bother watching too..................Damn!
Anyways,President Jo did what had become inevitable and declared a state of emergency,giving the military sweeping powers over the security in the state and three others.
It simply means if you as much as stare at a soldier patrolling the streets of Maiduguri with the wrong eyeball,you could be asked to frog-jump from Borno to Niger Republic!

Niggers be keeping their eyes to themselves henceforth!

If you ask me(I'm  guessing you didn't but I'm still gonna tell you anyway),it's the damn right move!
A tad too late but the right move anywhere.
How do you deal with an amorphous organization?
How do you deal with an insurgency that's been allowed to fester for so long?
How do you protect unguarded and unwatched borders?
I'm sure if I knew the answers to these questions I'd be sending this post from my guard post in Maiduguri,Nigerian Army issued Kalashnikov in hand,instead of from my air-conditioned office in Lagos.
Regardless though,a nation has to protect it's territorial integrity and sovereign state by all means and at times at a very high cost.
My thoughts and prayers go to all the men and women in the armed forces.
It's a honourable and unbelievably brave thing to put your life on the line for your country.
Even if it's one like Nigeria!

Rufai?What the el!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm new on twitter you know?
At least actively!
It took me 2years,5 months and a damn whole lot of days to get the hang of why on earth I had to @someone or #something.
But like a true Nigerian,I'd rather die than not be part of the in-thing,no matter how dumb it might seem in retrospect!
That reminds me,do ladies still do the colour block?

Nsukka babes be like 'Baby Oku!'

So,get the hang of it I did!
I've been tweeting away worse than the bats at the Oba of Benin's palace,re-tweeting and replying to every single thing on the twittersphere;plus the ones wey concern and the ones wey no concern  me!
In the course of all these,I developed an interest in two twitter accounts,a certain @elrufai and @PObahiagbon.
They were supposedly kindred spirit!(Less of @PObahiagbon though)
Always taking every opportunity to point out the ills in this government and PDP's governance since 1999.
It was like someone else was relaying my message but to a whole lot more followers.
And I mean a whole lot more!
In fact,it's embarrassing calling mine followers.
It's more like a kindergarten class.
They're few,inattentive and really don't give a hoot what you have to say as long as you don't bother them!
In all honesty,I had a huge gigantic bowl of respect  for @elrufai especially,because I thought it took an incredible amount of courage to be so critical of a government and party that his brother served and defended with so much vigour in the past.
UNTIL.....................................................................................I  actually took out time to read @elrufai's bio.
I was so surprised,you could have shot me through my gaping mouth and I still would not die.
In fact,you could have dressed me in a gown,wear me a pink ribbon and offer me as a peace offering to @BokoHaram and I still would not flinch.
(Lets not get ahead of ourselves now folks!)
But still,finding out that @elrufai was one and the same with the same named politician;former this and that in the OBJ administration and ex-kingpin,king maker and as the the Nigerian press like to describe it 'part of the top echelon of the PDP'
An active actor in this maddening play we call democracy!
A man with all sorts of cases still pending from his time in government in Nigerian courts,they could name the road to the Supreme Court after him.

Rufai dey oh!

It's true that Uncle Jonah's government carries the day in sheer non-performance.
Infact if there were an Olympics for failed governments,there would be a statue of Uncle Jonah doing the Usain Bolt pose in front of Aso Rock by now.


I'm sure you folks were really not expecting a picture

But folks like @elrufai cannot turn back and act like innocents in this madness!You can't be one of the labourers  that mounted a shaky foundation and then blame the imminent collapse of a building on a poor coat of paint.(By the way,saw a pink house with a yellow roof somewhere in Lekki Phase1.Hideous,just hideous)
As for @PObahiagbon,a degenerate rabble rousing ex-legislator who spews forth hokum,all in the frantic effort to garner a plethora of followers.
In simple words,a guy so full of B.S,you can smell it when he passes by.
I can't remember one meaningful thing he did while still being  a member of the Nigerian House of Representatives.
Not one meaningful bill pushed through by @PObahiagbon.
Infact,in true @PObahiagbon spirit,not one meaningful thing said!
Nigeria needs men to stand up and speak the truth to this government.
But not these fellows!

twitterati!

Follow@doctorrotcod .for new blog posts and updates.

Not in Boston!

Growing up,I always wished for a brother closer to my age.
Someone I could go play soccer with,fight with and chase girls with as we grew older.
But with the random nature with which family members are allocated and apparently presidents are chosen for countries,I could have ended up with the short end of the straw like Nigeria has with its president and gotten one of the Tsarnaev brothers as a growing up buddy!
The only difference would obviously be that we'd probably still be having lunch at the closest KFC,sipping on an ice cold fruity slush while watching President Jo on NTA Network telling Nigerians to accept that 'terrorism is a global phenomenom and we should live with it"
Not in America though!
At exactly 1.49a.m Saturday morning,Nigeria time,with the help of Jack Bauer and his team at CTU (don't you go telling me they don't exist,),the siege was over.

Jack Bauer briefing President Obama.

One hostage dead,the other captured.
It was a prime example of ridiculously efficient police work.
Prompt response,precise intelligence and effective weaponry;I apologise on behalf of myself and all those who have ever doubted every episode of CSI we've  watched;even the rubbish CSI Miami.
By the way,are you one of those who have been kept awake in the last day or so wondering what lessons our dear Nigeria Police Force(less) can learn from the Boston episode?
I'll tell u six simple words.........Move along dear,.no lessons here.
I'm really not a Nigeria basher (I am to be honest) and I don't criticize things simply because they are Nigerian (I really don't) but our crime to resolution ratio must be something like 10000:1;in fact Omotola a.k.a Omosexy(time you changed that name sister,you're no spring chicken)has a better chance of passing off as a credible musician than our police has of solving a crime.

And we wonder why?????????

Don't get me wrong,if our police catch you red handed at the scene of a crime,they'll deal with you and fuck you up faster than you can say Amnesty!
But if you,my good readers or possible criminals-in-the-making,commits a crime in this great country of ours on Street A and luckily escape to your house on Street B less than two minutes walk from the crime scene,believe me,before man,God and President Jo's bowler hat,you're as free as a Tontoh Dike C.D!
Pardon me................ but someone just whispered in my ear that people actually pay money for her music!
Hard to believe but apparently true!
The Boston incident clearly demonstrates what a country can achieve with a strong and determined leadership.
When President Obama gave the speech in Boston the day before the Tsarnaevs were apprehended,pride welled in me as I saw a fellow black man rise up to the challenge.
His battle cry "Not in Boston" still rings in my ear as I recall another fellow black man telling me to "learn to live with terrorism because it is a global phenomenon".
Anyway,is it just me or the folks on CNN really need to get a life!
Bad news is obviously good news for business!
Such is life!

Countries of P.A.I.N!

Like every good and hardworking gossip knows,bad news travels faster than an Arik jet;would have loved to say Aero;but you know how they are these days,flight delays,cancellations,..........I love you guys at Aero but we don't really want bad news getting stranded now,do we?


AERO CONTRACTOR.........'We'll get there when we can!'

Anyhoo,I'm guessing it did not take Ted Turner,founder and previous CEO of CNN,too long to figure out that simple logic.
Growing up,the news always seemed to be centred around countries like Somalia,Ethiopia,the USSR and Czechoslovakia(little wonder the country split!Must have been a pain in the ass and then some,filling your nationality on a visa application).
 And this went on for a while!
But as development and peace came to these  countries,they got mentioned less.
These days,when the striking blonde bombshell of a newscaster starts the day's headlines with lines like "A bomb went off in a crowded market killing 48 people" or "Cholera spreads through a remote village taking with it  400 lives" or "Politician builds multi-billion currency church or mosque in his village",you can quietly take an educated or a not so educated guess(if you attended any of these private universities with  6 classrooms and a dining hall) as to which countries this might have happened.
I call them the countries of PAIN;Pakistan.Afghanistan,Iraq and Nigeria.
These countries seem to have taken the art of inflicting the greatest amount of suffering on their citizens to another level!
I can only  guess that they their leaders have an Annual General Meeting of sorts,where they meet,network and exchange ideas on what's new in "Suffering the masses".
I can imagine a certain bowler  hat wearing president in attendance,muttering to himself silently in a corner,wondering why he has not been elected chairman of this group.
"Has anyone of them done more to inflict pain on his own people?
 "Ehn?"
"Do they have more unemployed people roaming on unpaved streets as I do?"
"Can any of them boast of having more uneducated and undereducated youth,with university degrees worth less than a Kim Kardashian tweet?"
It baffles  me to no end how Nigeria got  mixed up with this unwholesome bunch!
How did Nigeria turn from a country aptly dubbed the Giant of Africa,with unbelievable human and mineral resources and boundless potential to playmates of such a vile group?;then again,how did Tiger Woods plummet from an adored spoting hero to the whore mongering delinquent that he is viewed as today?
Some things we'll never understand!
I just pray that in the next 50 years,we will have developed the magic formula to steady supply of electricity,so that our grandkids can eventually develop our economy.
That in 50 years,we will have evolved to understand that bombs don't advance causes.
 And that in 50years,most importantly,we will have eventually come to the conclusion that bowler hats went out of fashion at least a 100 years prior!

Sir Edward Whats-His-Name.Voted most dapper gentleman in1802.

P.S:"9 health workers shot during a vaccination drive in a remote village in............." You can put any country of the 4,you wouldn't be far from the correct one.