Somewhere in the Niger Delta amidst the staccato(ol boy i dey speak English sha!) of machine gunfire and the booming of warships lay two young men(who we shall refer to as militants from now) taking cover in the bush,Militant 1:Black scorpion,which one be all dis na?dem no tell us say we go fight na.dem say we go just dey thief oil.once in a while we go wear mask,carry gun,dey dance for boat and dem go film us.Nobody talk say we go dey dodge all these aboki soldier bullet.All these soldiers sef!no be their fault sha,na condition cause am,dem no even get manner of approach!Militant 2:Viper,why we dey hide for bush,make we go fight.Militant 1:my friend,sit down there!LOUD EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Militants in unison:YE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Militant 1:black scorpion,wait now,no leave me for here.Militant 2:Guy,who be black scorpion?My name na Ejiro.ol'boy me i don kawa,we go dey see for Warri!
Ol'boy,the global meltdown no just dey favour niggas at all.From London to Tokyo,California to Isale-eko,in fact,from Sydney to Effurun junction for Warri,the thing dey melt die.All my guys for cafe dey hear am no be small.In fact one guy tell me say he just send im maga small thing based on say owu don almost kill the guy for yankee!But we for naija know say no be today economy melt down,our own don melt tey tey,the water don almost carry us go.What could have sent the economy a-tumbling?Is it the crazy western lifestyle of buying everything on credit;houses,cars,clothes.sex..............i hear say working girls for that side dey collect credit card these days.Abeg no talk am outside oh!You go tell me who tell you!You cannot sustain the world economy on a culture of credit and deceit for so long,sooner or later the repercussion was bound to be felt.Unfortunately it was not restricted to more affluent climes,the meltdown's dripping wetness was bound to rain on the poor in parts of the world where credit is a foreign word.Remember say for naija na ''no credit today,come tomorrow'' dem take raise us!Gone are the days of economic buoyancy when all we do is go to the tailor's and cut materials for Aso-ebi,the only cuts been done these days are the bad types;wage cut,job cut,budget cut!P.S:this is the time to pick that outstanding talent of yours and develop it cos you never can tell,the melt down could be around the corner at your work place,and i don't wanna see you get wet!
During the week,I had the privilege of travelling alongside Umaru Musa Ya'radua's personal physician,or so i thought.The man confidently told me and all those who cared to listen,that our president was suffering from a rare heart condition,when I and 139,999,998 other uninformed Nigerians were busy coming up with various illnesses like kidney failure,liver failure,spleen failure,infact,all sort of failures.So,you can imagine my shock and bewilderment when the man later told me he was an estate agent based in Akwa Ibom.How Mr estate agent got to know Oga Ya'radua's private medical history remains a mystery to me.It's always a joy to witness we ''common'' Nigerians discuss the happenings on the corridors of power,''Ya'radua then phoned Goodluck to tell him not to award the contract.Ahn Ahn!You mean you did not know!''.The intellectual part of me wants to ask how he was priviledged to listen-in to the president's phone call but the true naija part of me,that part that loves a good story whether it's true or not,urges him on.And mind you,it is that naija part of me that has served me best over the years!P.S:the last population census conducted in Nigeria reports a rise to 170million;140million people and 30million power generating sets!
Nothing jumps my goat more than when someone threatens me over something completely inconsequential.So,you can imagine my complete disgust and disinterest when i read in the papers that NEPA or is it NEP Plc or is it PHCN was going on strike.It was like POLO(the luxury goods store on the Island)sending me a text message about them folding up.How e take concern me?i dey come ya shop before?Of course PHCN did not go on strike,so,thankfully the electricity situation did not get worse.I mean,I've not had light for 6 days and that was before the strike threat.I guess the only way a strike can truly make the situation worse would be if they still dont give us light and they also set our houses on fire and shoot us all dead as we run out!But its not all bad in Nigeria,there's a particular govenor in a particular state.Okay,okay,there's no need to be coy about it,I'm talking bout Lagos.The poor guy has probably performed more miracles in the state than T.B Joshua.What really pumps my tyre about this guy is his all action attitude.No time wasting,no comittees,no long winded speeches,just plain action.Like I always say,if a parent wants to spank a child,there's really no need for explanations and teling him what he has done wrong,JUST WACK THE POOR SOD ON THE HEAD AND LET HIM KNOW WHO'S BOSS!
Na for only Warri where you go see two guys dey kpouns security guard for bank.When you ask them say wetin happen?One of them go talk say 'oh bobs,i no know,i just dey pass when i see this security dey beat my bros,no be say i wan fight cos as you see me so i no like wahala.i just say make i branch apply bottle for the guy head but as I apply the first one,gbim,the guy no fall,i apply the second one,gboa,nothing happen,i come shook am,shook am everywhere,the guy no still gree,na that time i talk say i kuku wan fight!'Na for only Warri where if person wan give you direction,the gist goes thus,'when you reach the next turning,the third house very close to Akpos mama house,you suppose know Akpos now?Akpos wey dey do oil bunkering!Okay!!!!!!!!!!!black Akpos?Uhn Uhn,no be black Akpos wey dey thief,dat one house still dey down the street!N a for only Warri you go chop the sweetest peppered kpomo with cold beer,meet guys who can speak pidgin at a million words per minute,and laugh till your heart stops beating.Na for only Warri!P.S:this goes to the guys who took me to Warri for the first time in my life,Oniovu Bekibele One a.k.a Oghenepuffy,Omilinkus a.k.a Papi and the only Indian man to come from from Delta State,Abel a.k.a Acha Nehi Baba.Hope you guys are doing well.Big ups!!!!!
''When I grow up I want to be an aeronautical engineer!''Sounds familiar?Growing up that was the in-thing,everybody wanted to be an aeronautic engineer.Now I'm all grown and I'm wondering to myself,WHAT THE HELL IS AN AERONAUTIC ENGINEER?I mean,WHAT THE HELL DO THEY DO?We all had lofty dreams growing up........well I'm guessing we all did.I had a friend who's life ambition was to be a footballer,we all begged and pleaded with him but Akin refused to budge,I wonder who is laughing now?Actually he is,I saw the the bloke last Xmas and we cruised round town in his custom made 7series on our way to his house in Lekki........but that's a story for another day!So what,if you had dreams of being a doctor and finding the cure to A.I.D.S and saving the world only to find yourself in one run down private hospital at Abule-Egba(No disrespect to my Abule-Egba peeps,ya'll know i love you!).So what,if you wanted to work for NASA and..........i cant even think of a suitable comparison in naija!So what,if you're stuck at a desk at some bank in Lagos doing an unbelievably boring and monotonous job.So what,when you google your name the only thing that comes out is ADEDAYO ESAN IS ON FACEBOOK!SO BLOODY WHAT!Always be thankful for where and what you are in life cos there are a million people out there who are worse off than you.P.S:REALLY,WHO THE HELL IS AN AERONAUTIC ENGINEER?
Jack annd Jill went up the hillTo fetch a pail of waterJack fell down and broke his crownAnd Jill came tumbling afterUp Jack got and home did trotAs fast as he could caperAnd went to bed to mend his headWith vinegar and brown paperJill came in and she did grinTo see his paper plasterMother vexed did whip her nextFor causing Jack disasterP.s:guess you never knew!
If only my forefather had done the correct and responsible thing by entering that slave ship back in the day,who knows?I can just imagine the stubborn Ekiti man screaming and shouting as he ran;'e ni mu mi leni'(you wont catch me today).if only he had entered the ship like his good friend then,Mr Ayodele Jordan i.e the forefather of basketball star Michael Jordan or his business partner Animashaun Winfrey,the forefather of you know who?The moral of this story is,for every seeming disappointment,obstacle and captivity in life,there is always light at the end of the tunnel.Even when it seems that your friends,mates and colleagues have escaped and are doing much better than you,always keep your head down and persevere.Just ask my forefather!
i guess my mama taught me better than using foul and disrespectful language.................and i'm really sorry i started america with a small letter,now that we've cleared that little issue up,let's go there.I never taught in my wildest dreams that a day would come when i would be so proud to be black.The most powerful man in the world is black,the best golfer in the world is black,even the most popular drink....cocacola......is blackBarak has taught us all one thing,no matter where u come from or who u are,try as much as possible not to grow up in africa.Okay,just imagine if Barak was still in africa.........let's all spare a moment and thank God for his life,who knows,he might have been d okada man that took me to work today,Well....ehn...it's not like i take okada everyday......its just..ehn.........whatever,i dey fly okada nothing do me.I wonder how all d slave masters and southertn racists must be feeling in their graves 2day.This is to all those who ever derided,abused,killed,disadvantaged and neglected d black man................YES I'M A NIGGER BUT I ALSO RULE THE WORLD!
