Noah,The Ark and Lagos!

It was a slow month,that June.
Nothing exciting or remotely pulse-racingly cool happened in Nigeria.
Just your usual church bombings,multiple road accidents,thieving politicians,an hostage here,a kidnapping there.Give or take your usual Nigerian month.
What we did not bargain for though,was the rain.
Fook me,but did it rain like the tears from General Oladipo Diya's eyes when Abacha sentenced him to death back in the day.
By the way,I've been having a cat problem in my house this past weeks,dont know if its my neighbour's cats jumping over the fence to feed on my predictably rich dustbin or if it really did rain cats for once!

Dustbin wey make sense!

As usual,the rains fell and Lagos streets went to shit.Impassable waterways only meant for the Land Rover 2029 model,The Flying Rover.

I'm guessing he couldn't wait till 2029

I've never really understood the rationale behind building roads without making gutters;I've never really understood much of many other things either;but I can safely assume that our leaders must have missed the class on common sense.Why bother when you've achieved the required 75% attendance from making the classes on 'Embezzlement' and 'Acquired Idiocy'.
Admittedly though,the Babatunde 'I wish I was a doctor,that's why I like fooking them up' Fashola administration has made some improvements on that.
Roads are now been built with gutters that lead to no where.
A gutter should lead to other gutters that invariably link to a central canal or a water treatment facility.
In Lagos,the gutters lead right back on the road or on a poor house owner's property!

The poor house owner we spoke about.

I'm guessing the class must have clashed with Asiwaju's birthday.

Some things you miss,some things you dont!

And did Nepa have a blast!
It was like Christmas in June for them.
When I was younger,the lights only go off when the rain threatens to become a storm but these days,once there's a weather forecast with the possibility of rain the day before,Nepa takes the power a day before just to be safe.
And that takes me to the issue of weather forecasting;I honestly doubt if it's an actual science.I'm guessing it lies somewhere in between understanding women and mobile networks in Nigeria;YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
I believe the news channels just pick the ugliest staff member and stick him/her with the weather detail.
I'll give a couple of Faroukas for anyone to tell me what the hell "slight precipitation with some winds and the possibility of sunshine" means?

Is it gonna rain or is the Sun gonna shine Ma?

Anyways,for those living in the Aguda,Surulere,Mile2,Lekki axis,I say keep your head up,that's if the head is still above water though.One day,we'll get a leader that had nothing better to do and finally attend the class on common sense.

Fa-Crook Lawan!

When the issue of the bribe scandal involving the Nigerian House of Representatives first came to light,my initial reaction was one of genuine disinterest.I had long grouped all of them under the same umbrella;rouges!

Miss?Can you identify the man that attacked you?They all look the same Officer!

But when the name of the individual allegedly involved came to the fore,I had to pause for breath!
You mean the skinny dude that talks like he's constipated all the time?Yep!My friend said.
Apparently,we all know why he seems to sound constipated always.Must be all the bribes he has allegedly been chowing on!Greedy little imp!
But unlike other Nigerians who have been quick to judge and disparage his character;including you;yep;you;who your father was made the assistant deputy aide to the special adviser to the special adviser of someone in government and all of a sudden you and your siblings are living it up like its the year 2060!
I,good old objective me,have decided to study the situation closely a.k.a sit on the fence.

Yep!That's me.

Not your typical European or American fence meant to just demarcate your property from your neighbours and also keep his randy teenage son from devouring your innocent daughter(yeah right),but a good old-fashioned Nigerian wall that's meant to keep out everything from your neighbour's goat to pesky family members,burglars,armed robbers,assassins and the occasional crashing plane!
Claims and counterclaims have been flying about in this rapidly evolving soap opera;Mr oil magnate claims to have laid the trap,Hon. Fa-Crook says otherwise.
The Nigerian Police has obviously taken sides with the oil importer;what's that saying about 'Na where man dey work man must chop'?
His fellow House of Reps members have decided to join me on the fence and save their own necks;this fence is getting a bit crowded fellas.Hon. Tambauwal,do you mind adjusting a bit?Thank you!
And the presidency......well..........they set this whole production rolling in the first place!The public agitation for the implementation of the subsidy probe report was getting a bit discomforting for Dr Jonah and his crew and a distraction was urgently needed.
And y'all said the brother be slow!Who the tortoise now,fooooooooooools!
I'm yet to see the said video but I'm told there's a part where he had to stuff some of the dollars in his cap because his agbada pockets could no longer hold the obscene loot!
I've always wondered why Hausa folks favoured those longs caps?

Its safe to say this dude ain't going the cashless route anytime soon.

Apparently,now we allegedly know!

We Pray!

We pray to God to keep our skies safe and to guide the thoughts and hands of our pilots but we also insist that that aviation authorities do right things.Regulate airplane maintenance and more importantly,stop grandmother planes from dropping from our skies. Any well maintained old machine will definitely work.It JƱڪτ̲̅ wont work well!
We pray to God to keep our churches safe and to protect his people who have come to praise and worship him but we also insist that security agencies do the right things.Get to the bottom of these mess and stop our churches from being target practice grounds and bombing fields!
We pray to God to keep our express ways safe and not make us fodder for exploding oil tankers but we also insist that rules and laws are made to stop this commotion on our highways. Speed limits,proper training and complete stop to the use of half-wits as drivers.Watching them drive those oil carrying giants is nothing short of scary most times.The speed with which they approach potholes sometimes,you assure yourself that the plan must be to jump over it eventually!
Finally,we pray to God to provide relief and succour to families affected by the Dana aircrash;as impossible as that may seem;but we also insist that such unnecessary loss of life must never repeat itself again!

Abiola babes!

The current outcry by young people especially current students and recent graduates of the Moshood Abiola University;LWKMD,sounds like a teacher training college;against the renaming of their once great institution truly exemplifies the rot in the core values and decency of today's youth.
In as much as the new name does inspire fits of uncontrollable,panties wetting laughter especially when you recollect the so-called swag that was attached to the Unilag brand.The current protests by the students is taking the matter above and beyond the confines of decency.
M.K.O Abiola was a martyr and a man of no mean repute.

Brother done gone fucked them up!LWKMD!

Lesser men have been honoured in this country without Nepa providing uninterrupted electricity a.k.a hell freezing over!A man who sacrificed his all in defiance of military brutality and oppression deserves a bit more than such childish protests.
While trying to provide an in-depth analysis(like I give a damn!*eyes rolling*) to the reasons for the protest,I was left wondering if the protests were against the fact that GEJ did not gather all the students at the Moremi Hall car park to ask their consent,though I doubt if there'd be enough space for 10 students considering the number of Aristo cars already parked,or if they were because M.K.O was undeserving or if more importantly,the name Moshood is seen as 'local'.
Wouldn't blame them though!
Considering the fact that three-quarters of these pant sagging,blackberry clutching,indomie eaters think that the River Niger is obviously only in Niger State.Duh!!
You wouldn't expect them to recognise a national hero if one rose from the grave and bit them in the ass.
And for all the MAU-LAG bobos and babes who's parents named them Morufu and turned to Murphy on campus or the Chinyere's turned to Chinny,guessed Karma just located your snitching asses!
The name is here to stay though,so you can protest from Unilag bus-stop to Lekki Phase One,then face Ajah,if that's what floats your boat but get ready to being called GREATEST MAU-lites from today forth.

MAU-LAG's finest a.k.a Darey,Mo'cheddah and one girl like that!

As a Moshood Abiola Polythecnic already exists,I dare say you are in good company.
Moshood Abiola Polythecnic+Moshood Abiola University=Moshood Abiola Group of Schools(stolen from a friend).

Ogbono feli feli!

Money and women,the two things to devour bonds of  male friendship
                                                  -One particularly wise looking guy in a particularly dull movie I once saw.
Ever since Don Jazzy and his hyper-active sidekick D'banj a.k.a Skibanj a.k.a Capella a.k.a that skinny dude with the over-sized ego and under-sized head first came into our consciousness in 2005 with the ridiculously titled album 'No Long Thing' and the equally retardedly named single Tongolo,it was always a matter of when and not if,concerning the break up of the immensely successful duo.

2005!The hunger days.

They single handedly gave Nigeria and maybe Africa its first truly successful music clique.In Wande Coal and Dr Sid,they had able deputies,artistes with talent and panache.And in K-switch and D'prince,they had two knuckle heads,buffoons just along for the ride.But then,every successful crew needs no-hopers like that.Just ask the Black Eyed Peas!

Hmmm,Will.I.Am,Fergie,Hmmmm

When the rumors started filtering in early in the year about the impending divorce-Dbanj has repeatedly referred to their union as a marriage-most people put it down to the usual social media gossip,like the immensely popular one about Tu-face's periodic death(You guys really need to drop that one.A brother can only die so many times.Move on!)
But as one increasingly vulgar and classless e-mail after another started appearing and getting 'leaked',it was obvious that these previous love birds were about to wash their proverbial undies in public!
One party obviously feels he has the talent to break into the international market and the other party is being a bit more more cautious and ultimately,more realistic.
 You can only repeat ten words in a whole song for so long Mr D'banj!
Personally,losing sleep over the break up of two young men who have made billions of Naira over the last seven odd years at my expense is not an option.
Nah!
This has been the union of a blind man and a deaf man.
The combination of the energy- lacking Don Jazzy plus the talent-lacking D'banj was indeed a winning ticket.
Only time will tell who gets knocked down by a moving vehicle first!

But really,Fashola!(BRF)

'These doctors are greedy'.'These doctors are wicked and callous'.'Did they beg them to study medicine?'
That was the general tone of the conversation of three pot-bellied,bald headed,middle aged men on the table adjacent mine at the neighbourhood watering hole a.k.a beer parlour on a lovely evening some days back.
Apart from the obvious fact that these men ought to be in their homes attending to their wives and children,they also seemed to have an obvious disregard for the fact that their youth had passed them by a long time ago as they struggled ceaselessly to breath in their body hugging T-shirts.
The more painful fact was the sentiment being expressed against Lagos doctors by the enthralled spectating public.
Strike actions should indeed not be an option in negotiating disputes in the health sector of civilised environments.
Lives are lost,families destroyed and destinies altered.
But then,neither does this happen there!

.
It is indeed a case of 'When in Rome'.
I doubt if any doctor would sit in his home with legs crossed on his coffee table and say 'Thank God,we are on strike.That man on bed 208 with the bad breath must have died by now!'.
These people devote their entire lives,endanger their health and well being to bring health,succour and joy to the lives of millions.And they do it with a willing heart.
A strike action must have indeed been a weighty stone on the heart.
In deciding to sack the striking Lagos doctors,the Governor has shown an acute disregard for a noble breed.
An acute disregard for agreements signed.
And an acute disregard for democracy!
The issues at hand are plainly on the table for all those who choose to see without sentiment tinted spectacles.

Now that we've spent billions on that birthday,can we now please sack the doctors!

As I continued caressing my bottle of Malta Guinness while enjoying the increasingly animated conversation beside me,I noticed the shortest of the men starting to breath heavily and cough.It was obvious a piece of Nkwobi had lodged in his abnormally large throat.
I could only mutter to myself as I watched him gasp for breath,'This strike no go kill person oh!'

Wise men from the east!

In Matthew2:1-12,we were told an astonishing story of men from the east who brought gifts for the birth of the baby Jesus.
Those,ladies and gentlemen,boys and girls,criminals and politicians,were the good old days.
Or are they?The gifts seem to keep coming in amazing and comical fashion from the east,especially from Nollywood!
I have the absolute honor and pride of having been an avid follower of Nollywood in the good old days of Liz Benson,RMD,the old Olu Jacobs(not the one acting now and making a mockery of everything good and holy on God's green earth).When films like Violated and Taboo stood out and still stand out as classics.When what you needed to be on the small screen was massive talent and good looks and not massive breasts, a damn near disgusting accent(see Tontoh) and an eastern name!

We'd be better off if she just kept kept quiet in movies and let her breasts do the acting.

I have over the years tactfully avoided all things Nollywood in other to save the rest of my I.Q not yet eroded away by Nigerian politicians and the Lagos sun.
I have painfully kept quiet while seeing posters of films like 'Beyonce and Rihanna' 'Tear my Bra' 'Who park that yansh'.

I'm guessing there's a part in the movie when the heroine begs the hero to tear her bra?

When monetary considerations overtake artistic intent,you will always end up with such rubbish.
Our brothers from Iweka Road have not only demeaned the movie industry but they've spat on it.
There's a talent pool beyond your brother,cousin,nephew and their friends.
Anyways,I had since accepted that the standards in Nollywood could not possibly fall any lower until I came across the poster of 'Avatar and Ben 10'.
Right there on the steering wheel,I had a strong urge to weep.Not a gentle leaking of tears but a strong manly wail.The type not seen since Taribo West cried at the World Cup;that,ladies and gentlemen,was an ugly man!

An urgent realisation must be made that film-making is an art and not just a means to an end.
Its not like importing fake drugs or electronics.
It's not clearing and forwarding.
It's not a joke.

Okafor!This one odikwa somehow oh!