Jawo Jawo lomo!

I truly did love Goldie's music.
It was different.
Maybe a bit brash.
The style obviously did not sit well with a lot of folks but music was never meant to be appreciated by all.
I write this today not because I am trying to suck out the last possible piece of publicity I can from the death of one so young but because I truly did love Goldie's music.
From 'Dont touch my Body'  to 'You Know it' and the catchy 'Jawo Jawo',I truly did love them all.

She was a musician on the up until the Big Bother Africa show.
First of all,I've met people who have bored myself,my soul and my spirit to death after just having to share space and listen to their brain-numbing thoughts for a few hours,so I've not really come to terms with why people were so hard on her for failing to catch or hold their attention for weeks on end!
The name calling,public humiliation and downright assault on her person was vicious and plain unkind.
The Big brother show was meant to be the lift her career needed but it most probably became the death of it and possibly hers.
When the news broke in the late hours of yesterday,I thought it was the usual celebrity deaths.
God knows TuFace Idibia must have died enough times by now.
So I went to bed expecting an apology from the blogger who broke the news,but instead,I woke up to all sorts of 'RIP GOLDIE' 'WE LOVED YOU GOLDIE',blackberry display pictures changed to that of the same woman we all hated and vilified.
No wonder a friend of mine once said that 'Its best to first bludgeon to death or at least render a Nigerian unconscious first just in case you ever find yourself in a dark corner with a Nigerian and a snake'
At least you expect a snake to bite,you never can tell what to expect from a Nigerian!
A pretentious and vile set of people,If I ever saw one!
I will always remember Goldie Harvey as a musician and a darn fine one at that!
I truly did love her music.

The Nigerian money growers and cash plantations!

Growing up in my family, a popular saying with my father was that 'Money does not grow on trees'.
It was always 'Is that your new bicycle lying in the rain?Do you think money grows on trees?'. 'A Super Nin-ten-who? You think money falls on my head every morning from the orange tree?'.
Apparently, my Dad never worked for the Police Pension Fund!
Cos if he did, he would have been going to work early in his career with a basket and a small water bottle for when he gets parched from harvesting.
Because that's apparently what John Yakubu Yusuf and his merry group of money pluckers have allegedly been doing in the last couple of years.
I don't suppose that any government parastatal has 32billion Naira just lying idle, so I'm going to go with the assumption that they have a cash plantation of sorts.
I can just imagine the Boss  sticking his head out of his office door one morning and telling his secretary 'Joan,would you be a dear and get me a couple of millions from the garden out back'.

That's right Joan!

In all honesty,the news of the Police Pension Fund looters(allegedly) is a bit stale;and that,my friends,is one of the very few reasons why this country is such a great place, people have such a damn short memory span!
A good chunk of us are too busy trying to  figure out where the next meal will come from that we cant bother worrying our pretty and not so pretty heads about folks that pilfer our treasury and about whatever fate, if any, befalls them.
It is that same short memory span that makes former workers on these plantations like Diepriye Alamasiegha,Olabode George,Cecilia Ibru,Erastus Akingbola(allegedly), still walk around as free men and no one really cares.
It amazed me to no end that when the interest in John Yakubu Yusuf (how did this guy get into the Nigerian Civil Service in the first place?The name screams scam from a mile away!) was at its most,the public fury was directed more at the ridiculous fine he was asked to pay and not at the obscene amount he was accused of misappropriating!
It just tells you where we have come as a country.
So in conclusion,I will say this, worry not yourself my dear John Yakubu Yusuf, because in a year from today, most Nigerians wont remember if you were the John Yakubu who was accused of stealing(allegedly) or the Yakubu John who once worked for their father as a security guard.
P.S: For Goldie Harvey.

Super Eagles!

'I said it!'
'Did I not tell you?'
'I always knew they would make me proud!'
My middle aged neighbour,probably on his fifth bottle of Lager,kept yelling at his teenage son,trying his best to be heard over the din being made as the music kept blasting from the emergency street carnival to celebrate Nigeria's victory tonight.
In all honesty,he did not say it and I'm sure as hell that he did not tell anybody!
At least 159 of the 160 million Nigerians celebrating tonight did not give the Super Eagles a chance in hell to lift the trophy.

And the other million could not really be bothered.
It would take a man with absolutely no morals and  no fear of God whatsoever(we're not short of those in Nigeria anyways) to stand up and tell the world he thought Nigeria could win the trophy 3 weeks ago.
But as the tournament progressed,I witnessed that inimitable fair-weather spirit of the average Nigerian arise.
Long suffering fans who had snickered and rubbished the team as the Super Chickens were suddenly proud to be Nigerians.
Even people who cannot pick out Mikel Obi from a crowd,

Pls,why is Mikel wearing a hat?!

suddenly developed a zeal for the sport.
I am not here to to always play the bad guy!
Far from it.
Football once again showed how united we can be in this country.
During the tournament,there was little talk of tribe,religion or politics.
It was all about Nigeria.
Blackberry display pictures,personal messages,tweets and Face book updates revealed a deep sense of patriotism when things are going well.
And when 24 year old Sunday Mba scored the winning goal in the 40th minute or so,Oh My God,It was one Nigeria for real.

Those are not 24 year old bumps on your chin Mr Mba!But we shall let you be for tonight.

We had new heroes from Emmanuel Emenike to Ahmed Musa to Fegor Ogude to the beautifully ambiguously named Victor Moses.
It was one Nigeria!
So,thank you Super Chickens.....or sorry........Super Eagles for making me forget even for one night about the heat from no electricity,about the continued insecurity in the north,about the John Yakubu Yusuf's of this world and making my night truly SUPER!

GEJ on Amanpour!

2 nights ago,at about 9pm,dazed and in a drugged like trance from another hectic Lagos day;and no,Pierre from Vienna,what you guys call hectic in Austria is like getting a massage with a happy ending at your neighbourhood bordello compared to what we go through here;I stumbled into my apartment and met my T.V on,of course I must have forgotten to switch off the night before when the electric company cut me off;and no once again,Pierre from Vienna,I pay my bills,its just something they enjoying doing.
While trying to make myself a stiff drink to wake up my dulled senses,I could make out the faint outlines of a rather dull-looking gentleman in a bowler hat,blinking rapidly like a kid caught with his hand in a pot of stew;Hey Pierre,would you just let me finish!!!!!!!
Anyways,where was I?
Ahhh!
I moved closer to the television and lo and behold,it was Uncle Joey being interviewed on CNN by no less a person than Christiane Amanpour.

Been interviewed by Amanpour is like getting lucky with Kim K while Scarlet Johansson looks on.
I mean,its like a 'Yo men,we made it' moment.
I settled down on my craggy sofa,drink in hand and offered a silent prayer to the gods of  Otuoke,Bayelsa,for luck to be with the good uncle Jonah.
And you almost always need it.
On Amanpour,the questions are quick fire and intense.Your answers are expected to be same.Sharp,concise and at times witty.
Its not only a truth seeking exercise but also an intelligence assessing session.
And oh boy,slap me on the head and call me a Jonathan but did Uncle Ebele perform!
This thing called native intelligence,ehn!
At times his answers were precise and dead on like the decision to send troops to Mali and the country's fight against terrorism.
At other times....WOW.........I wondered if we were listening to the same questions.
It seemed he took a second to listen to the question,took another second to frame it in his mind just the way he would have wanted it asked ,then answered his own question.
I can just imagine Uncle Joe smiling to himself and thinking 'Is this Amanpour a learner?'
All in all,it was a fair outing,except when he said something about how electricity supply had improved considerably and how Nigerians can attest to it.

Then again,I'm told the weather is a -8 in Davos,Switzerland at this time.

Must'a been the cold!

I'll give him a 5 out of 10.
And they say I'm a biased critic!

Death and the stethoscope!

Nobody hears when the little man dies.
Even if it appears in the papers,it's usually stuck somewhere in between a disgusting picture of Cossy Orjiakor's morbid boobs and an irrelevant story about a Nigerian minister's(political or religious) son's private jet.
The little man's death is always treated as an afterthought.
That's why people can non-chalantly bat an eyelid and mutter 'it is well' when 30 people are massacred by a suicide bomber in Jos and shout hysterically from the roof top when a bigman and his dog fall from a helicopter.
A couple days ago,on the streets of Lagos,a young medical doctor's life was cut short by a mad man's bullet.
It's not a story that will catch the attention of those in power.
There will be no pretentious visits from the big men in Abuja.
No crocodile tears shed publicly by our number one man for a truly prominent life lost.
There will be no mention in the papers,at least not on the important pages.
Another little man has died and there will be appropriately little noise made.
The details are sketchy,as they always are in Nigeria,Irawo Adamolekun was shot in traffic around the Anthony Village axis of Lagos.

Unworthy end!

Broad daylight!
The daylight was so broad(if there's anything like that),you could probably see the glitter from Stella Oduah's(minister of aviation,in case ya dont know) jewelry filled neck from a mile a way.

I had this ruby piece before I got into office.I swear!

Shot point blank in the head from a robbery gone wrong.
The killer was then said to have calmy,like he had done nothing more important than take a piss on the sidewalk,crossed to the other side of the road and sped off on a waiting motorcycle.
And there I was thinking motorbikes were banned in Lagos!
Apart from been in the full glare of the Sun,it also happened in full view of hundreds of motorist,including Nigerian rapper Ruggedman;can you just change that name already bro!
One would think with a name like that,you'd come out guns blazing to apprehend the fellow,
Rugged my belly button!!!!!!!!!!
Lagos is a tough city.
Yeah we know!
But to be gunned down in public,on a busy high way?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Same fate befell young Dr James Obinyan on the streets of Festac in November 2011.
Shot dead in his car after a robbery attempt.

Life taken from someone so full of it.

Lives are been lost daily in this country.
Wasted.
Terrorists and robbers roam the streets like horny little whores.
Let our case not be like the young chick who wondered why the same master that had been feeding him all this while would now be leading him to slaughter,by asking where the police were when all this killings took place.
Probably peeping from a safe distance like you and I,that's where!!!!!!!!
I read a book once about how all events in the world are inevitably linked.
And it occured to me that the motorbike that served as a get-away for the killers of the young Doc some days back might have gone through a police checkpoint and the rider must have paid some cop somewhere 50naira to continue operating.
50naira(30 cents),the cost of a life in Nigeria!
Anyways,I spoke to the Sun yesterday and he told me he was seeing new things in Nigeria.
And you know what they say about that!

2012!

You can't trust people with anything these days.
Not even an end of the world prediction.
I really did think the world was gonna end on the 21st!
Really did.
Bloody Mayans!
You should have seen the big grin on my face when I told my mechanic on the 20th that I'd have to get back to him with the payment for my car repairs the next day.
21st passed and 22nd came and I woke up to yet another unbelievably hot day in Lagos.
Not one person had been lost to the supposed doomsday.
Least of all my mechanic!
Aside from doomsday prophecies and maniacs shooting babies in American schools,I had promised myself a month's break from writing on this blog.
It was getting a bit tiresome.
I was starting to sound like a wizkid song.
Its all cozy and nice but if truth be told,if you've heard one,you might as well not bother listening to the rest.

Dance for me baby oh eh.............Errrrrrrm..........you know what bro?Is that line from your 'I love my baby' track?.........No?............Sorry!My BAD!

AND I KEPT MY WORD!
Even when petrol was becoming scarcer than a honest Nigerian policeman,I stayed quiet.
Even when some folks bombed the Nigerian Army college,the pride of our military force,a supposed fortress,I kept quiet.
Even when a Nigerian Navy helicopter was used to transport guests for an owambe party by one of our Oga pata-pata's aides and this gallant bird of the skies later crashed,taking along with it one of the finer and honourable members of this political class,I kept quiet.
Even when my brothers from the East refused to travel to the village for the Yuletide because money no dey,I still kept quiet.
But when I woke up this morning and saw the headline of how a Chinese owned warehouse stockpiled with Afghanistan/Baghdad/Maiduguri grade fire works had caught fire and caused absolute mayhem in the middle of downtown Lagos,I knew enough was enough.
How can anyone in his/her right mind keep such an arsenal in a densely populated area?.
Never did trust the Chinese,always squinting like there was a one Naira coin up their ass!
You can't just close your eyes for a second and assume the bad news would just miraculously stop in this great country of ours.
2012 has been especially gruesome for this country.
We have killed our children and fattened our politicians.
Too many mass graves.....Too many ill-equipped hospitals..........Too many explosions in a once quiet land.
But it's not been all bad.
We've had good,even great moments as a country this year.
I just can't remember any!

The Jetsons

Anyone above the age of 25 with access to cable T.V back in the day;either in the comfort of your living room or the comfort of your neighbour's living room(there's nothing wrong with that bro,nothing at all) should be familiar with the Jetsons.
That uber-weird family that lived in the age of space technology with everyone zipping through the skies in their own space shuttles.
I vividly remember mumbling the scientific and logistical impracticability of that ever happening at any time in our existence to my host and then best friend.
I can also remember with disgust when my friend muttered something stupid in reply about how his dad was gonna buy him his own Jetsons space shuttle.
Yeah we were 5 but I still found him pretty dumb even for his age.
Fast forward many years and happenings in modern day Nigeria could darn well prove my childhood buddy right.
The allure of acquiring private jets seems to be the in-thing. It has slowly crept from being the exclusive preserve of the rich and powerful and has slowly but surely found its way into our churches,like everything from miniskirts,braids for men and the I-pad Bible app!(Dont you just hate when people keep tappng on those things during service)
There's absolutely nothing wrong with a successful man or woman acquiring an aeroplane to ease movement in a country like Nigeria where commercial air travel can become a nightmare.
Where airlines like Aero can turn a 10a.m flight to an 11.45p.m slug fest,with people practically throwing punches to access overbooked seats.
Rumour has it that people once stood on a Lagos-Abuja flight;God forbid that one of the Pastor Krises  be caught dead doing 'attachment' on a flight.
As I said there's nothing wrong in theory with Men of God getting the very best out of life. Nothing at all.
But that,my friends,fans,lover's and well-wishers,is theory! And as we all know,not every theory is founded on logic.
Just ask Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon and his theory of economic Wagba-joism.
In principle,it just does not sit well with me. The reported flying machine is said to worth in the region of 5 million US dollars.

Or did they win it here!!!!!!!!

A tidy sum in a poverty ravaged country like ours.
Less than half of that sum would conveniently take care of the basic educational needs of every single child in these churches.
It would set up widows in small businesses.
It would change thousands of the brethren lives.
Is that not what Jesus would really want?
But then what do I know!
It's not like I'll recognise a Bombardier jet if one crawled down to my height and spat aviation fuel in my face!
P.S:Any news on the Taraba State Governor who crashed the State's *wink wink* private jet while allegedly flying it himself.
Hope the plane feels much better?