Nigeria:Too poor to be Gay!(happy)

Somewhere in Lagos,on a hot,humid evening at a bar down the road,the flipout corner chose to take a break.
This particular watering hole was where the young ones come to cool off after another predictably hard day in the never ending urban rat race.
Here,the major attractions contradict themselves;the drinks are cold and the women are hot!
Eyes tired,ties loosened,high heels replaced with more comfortable flats and Chidinma's 'Emi ni Baller' blaring through the speakers in an attempt to reinvigorate flagging spirits.
Unfortunately,it was the remix and we had to bear the tedium of Wizkid's mumblings for about two minutes but all in all it was turning out to be a good night.
Bang in the centre of the room,a group was gradually becoming the focus of attraction.
The topic was one that,depending on your side of the divide,could get you imprisoned in modern day Nigeria or on the obverse,could get you denied an entry visa at major Western embassies.

You 'happy'? If you no 'happy',no entry!

There were three main actors.
A twenty-something year old man;suave,complete with his suit and really expensive 'looking' shoes and swinging the keys to his apparently newly bought(with a work place loan I'm sure) Toyota something-something so wildly for all to see that you could feel the wind emanating from  the swing at the back of the room!
There were no prices or scholarships offered for guessing he was a Lagos banker.
The second guy had the worn out look of a guy in his mid-thirties,down on his luck and who increasingly wonders if it's too late to swim to Europe and wash dishes like his friend Ikenna did ten years ago.
Ikenna is a Chief in the village now mind you!
Don't ask me how I know,I just do!
All of a sudden we are punctuated by the sonorous voice of Sean Tizzle dishing out his usual dose of 4 or 5 lines in a song but damn does 'Mama Eh' make it sound good.
The third guy?You know what?I really don't know.
The guy could have trekked down from the Mainland for all I care.
Gradually, we all drop our drinks,shift our gazes surreptitiously to where the conversation was emanating from and had our eyes trained on our smart phones with all seriousness like we were chatting with the guy about to find a cure for Cancer.

Lagos Banker : .....................Are you really saying there are no gay people in Nigeria?

Worn out Guy : Exactly! It's not part of our culture.There are no homosexuals in this country.That's what they were called when I was growing up!

Lagos Banker : You don't say! When I was growing up, they were called thieves, now they're just called Politicians.
That's not the point anyway.Being gay is not something you decide, it's not a choice. They don't.........

Worn-Out Guy : Come,come,come!!!!!!! Don't just go there.My friend,don't go there at all.
What do you mean? Have you ever seen a he-goat or a he-dog sleep with another male?
(Turns to 3rd guy) Abi,what do you think?

3rd Guy : Yes,Yes I agree with you.

Lagos Banker : Are we now animals.I thought our highly developed brains took us above that level.
Being gay or as you crudely refer to it,homosexual,is not a disease. It's something you're born with.

Worn-Out Guy : What Medical School did you finish from again sef?

Lagos Banker : I'm not a doctor. I'm a ban....................

Worn-Out Guy : Exactly! So don't give me a lecture on what you don't know.


--------------------------GOAL--------------------------------------------
          (There goes Manchester United losing another game)

Worn-Out guy : Let's not copy things we don't understand.Because a couple of you have returned after one year doing a Masters degree at a University in London or America, not bigger than my one-room apartment.........sorry, I mean my three bedroom flat,you think you can bring all sorts of rubbish back here!

Lagos banker : Don't you think you're being discriminatory? Does this not take you back to the time of slavery in the West? Or the period of Apartheid in South Africa? Are you not inferring that gay people are less human than you?
And are you not in the least bit worried about our perception in global politics with this Anti-Gay bill?
(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or what do yo think?

3rd Guy : Hmmm.Hmmm. I agree with you.

Worn-Out Guy :First of all,we should never let perceptions cloud our judgements.
Russia and the United Arab Emirates have stricter Anti-Gay laws and yet Westerners and Nigerian 'activists' still flock to Dubai like a buch of PDP defectors to the APC!
And I see that we're having a history class now?
Does this not take you back to when homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness?
Do you wonder what paedophilia would be considered as in few years?


Lagos Banker : Come on!! Really!!! Really!!!!!!!! Are you comparing this to paedophilia? Really????

Worn-Out Guy : You know what? This story don dey too long. My bible and my Pastor do not support it.
End of story! If the Bible says no,then it's no. In fact,you should ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?"

(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or am I wrong?


3rd Guy : Sure,Sure.I agree with you.

(WHOLE BAR TURNING TO 3RD GUY AND SCREAMING IN UNISON) : You know what? Just shut up if you don't have a point to make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lagos Banker : I'm also a Christian and I don't think any religion supports it but we all do things our religions frown upon.
I mean,there's some good quality porn on your phone,sorry I checked,but I don't remember Jesus leading the disciples to 'The Slick" back in the day.

(History has it that 'The Slick' was the first fully commercialised strip joint in Galilee back in the day. True story. I swear!)


Worn-Out Guy : Erm,Erm....I don't know how that got there.Must have come with the phone!

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the fact is Pro-Gay activists look down on people who are in support of the bill as been primitive and crude but forget that cultures actually differ.
Western culture spits at polygamy,why should we not spit back?

Lagos Banker : I agree with you on that point and if it were a spitting contest I'd leave it at that but it's a battle between rights and culture and a forthright intellectual appreciation of both sides is neede......................

---------------------------------------------PHONE RINGS-------------------------------------------


Worn-Out Guy picks phone : Hey darling. I'll be home soon. Just working late.
The music in the background?
What music?
Oh................................the music!(giggling)
Funny story......someone came up with the idea at work that since 9ice was so redundant and cheap to hire these days,we could get him to amuse those of us working overtime.
Funny right!
Hello?
Hello?
Poor reception.
Home soon.

(Drops phone)

Gotta run guys.
(Turning to 3rd Guy)
Erm.......Ermmmmmmmm......Would have dropped you off but I'm not really going your way.

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd Guy : It's okay. I'll just trek back to the Mainland. It's cool this time of the night.

P.S: Follow @doctorrotcod on the twitter machine.

2013 in 13 paragraphs!

  2013 like all other years in Nigeria started with all sorts of declarations and mantras. People who had not stepped a foot in church all year had dp's and pm's filled with them; 'My year of Unrestrictable Increase'. 'My year of progress a.k.a All Enemies must Die! 'Who tie my goat?My Year of Breaking Free!' And it started really well to be fair. No New Year day bombings and electricity seemed,at least in Lagos anyway, to be on the up.
  But very much like Sunday Mba's performance at the Nations Cup,the air of expectation became too much for the people in power to handle and the rest of the year ended with a whimper almost as disappointing as Tiwa Savages' album 'Once Upon A Time'.You could tell she had good intentions but I'm not sure if it's all the free Pepsi she's been guzzling or just having to share a studio with Dr Sid,talentless people emit a bad vibe,you know!
  For a brief period though,we were still hopeful!Despite all the rumors of unmitigated corruption,oil theft and unhindered violence in parts of the country,we were still hopeful.But somewhere along the line it dawned on us,that like Wizkid's Bentley that has been 'coming sooner' for a while or 9ice's Grammys, hope was indeed a dangerous thing to have in present day Nigeria.
  Anyways,we adjusted.And as Nigerians,we did what Nigerians do best.Live with unfulfilled expectations and accept our stock in life.Little wonder D'banj came scurrying back to Nigeria.Brother went from packed shows in Europe at the start of the year to becoming a glorified wedding singer by year end.
  2013 also witnessed the re-rise of political jobbers like Doyin Okupe,the senior special adviser to the President on Public Affairs.Remember the kid in high school who always told incredible lies but you let him cos you wondered how someone could think such things up?Well Chief Okupe is that kid and 2013 rewarded him and folks like him to the hilt.
  I'm not complaining though.Politics as always been a game of convenience.You can only feel comfortable with house mates who let you eat from the pot;God Bless you Osasu Oviawe and Frank Ineke(my first flatmates as an independent teenager)wherever you may be in this world for always leaving the pots empty.Anyhoo,the decamping of certain governors from the PDP to the APC late in the year gave life to the saying,'No permanent enemies just permanent interests'.Just ask Mike Ezuronye!

THEN...............................

NOW..........................Nna,you no come Lagos count bridge true true!

  The on-again off-again death of a certain member of a certain group of armed men causing havoc in a certain part of the country was and is still a major source of concern to all Nigerians.It reminds me a lot of Zaki Azay,just when you thought you had heard the last of his mind numbing music and Tiger battery powered flash light,he pops up again and sucker punches you with another lame attempt at a come back!
  The year also witnessed more 'strikes' than the U.S drone missions in Afghanistan.It was like every Tom,Dick and their cousin Larry(I have a good friend called Harry,so I'm sure you'd excuse me this one) with enough dexterity to knot a tie and walk straight without tripping over could hold this country to ransom with industrial actions.Education,Medical even electricity workers............apparently it's not only @basketmouth that has a warped sense of humor.
  I'm starting to sound real negative now aren't I? But God knows I wouldn't feel comfortable without a Tontoh Dikeh analogy to round up the year and the fact that Miss Poko decided 2013 was the year she was going to bless us with the gift of her musical genius and make a mess of the giant strides being made in that industry kinda tells you all you need to know about the sort of year 2013 was.
  There was some good news though.Hate him or love him but Al Dangote's(that's what we his friends on Twitter call him) continued climb up the rich list and his continued belief and investment in Nigeria is a perfect example of how political contract beneficiaries can uplift the unemployed and impoverished around them.By the way,Oga Timaya can learn a thing or two from Al. Na only you dey fat for that your 'Dem Mama' group.And you know what they say about hungry men!

Even the group name is in smaller capitals than yours Oga Timaya!

  Lest I forget,Some one tell the Golden Eaglets to TURN UP!I have no idea what it means and I'm sure as hell that I used it wrong but I said it anyways and I like it!But someone please tell them,wherever they may be this second that they made me mighty proud this year and I hope their wives and young children are too.
  Lastly,every year has it's 'Man of the Year' and if the award was for absolutely banging tunes,hair to kill for and an absurd dress sense,then Phyno without a doubt would be my 'Man of the Yeah".But the men and women of the Nigeria Army who sacrifice their lives daily in the sandy ruins of North Eastern Nigeria,in a war many Nigerians pretend is not happening are without any doubt my 'Men and Women of 2013".

I honestly don't know why you guys do it but your country salutes you.

  They deserve that and indeed an extra paragraph!
P.S The Flipout Corner is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod

Nigerian letter writers and Mr Coker!

God bless Mr Coker wherever he may be in this caustic land of obese leaders and famished citizens.
He was my English teacher way back in Secondary School;that's High school for my numerous fans in Obama's country and the many wannabes on the Island.
I love you all by the way.
Versace,Versace everything for you in 2014!
Anyways,in between talking through his nose and squinting through his horn-rimmed glasses,I,the poor boy from the Primary school with two teachers, a security guard who also doubled as the P.E  instructor and a headmistress who owned the barbing salon upstairs, hardly ever understood much of what Mr Coker said in class but damn could the brother teach "Letter writing"!
Coker could write a letter to the Devil and still know if it were appropriate to start things of with a gently worded Dear Sir or just keep it on the informal down low.
Of my numerous distinctions in the School leaving exams(---------------------long space to fill in your unwanted and ultimately disregarded disbelief------------------------------------------------------) my A1 in English Language was my most cherished.
So that's why on reading the Obasenjos' letters I could come to only two logical conclusions;
a)Coker was right.A day would indeed come when I had to actually use the idiom "Pot calling someone else black!"
and
b)Neither of them had Mr Coker as an English teacher.
Which is a pity if I must say.
I have to be honest,as I always am,though God and a few people I know might disagree.
I haven't actually finished either letter.
Don't get me wrong,I started but in between trying to give my very best at work in another failing sector of public service and actually being eternally grateful that I even have a job in this barely floating ship of a country,there's really little energy left for someone else's family squabble.
And such poorly written letters by the way,that much Mr Coker taught me!
If people like Chief Alex Ekwueme or Mallam Nuhu Ribadu decide to pick up their pens and scribble their thoughts  for us all to share,aside from the obviously more enjoyable tenses we can surely expect and the surely more pleasing pictures of those good folks published alongside the letters,we would be digesting the letters looking up,with the words pouring down from the altar of dignity and not creeping up like a stream of deceit from a pig farm somewhere in Ogun State!
Dear OBJ, 'in case you don't,in case you don't,in case you don't know, know', as my good friend Harrisong would say, Corruption was just as widespread in 1999.

Better pikin.........ahn....you be like your papa pikin!(Harrisong,naughty you!)

With Legislators buying furniture for obscene amounts like wood was going out of fashion and Nigerian carpenters were queueing up to join the war in Afghanistan.
Unemployment was just as rampant with the only difference being that at least PhD holders now have a shot at 'tanker' driving jobs and their daughters and wives have a wider array of beaches,hotels and bars to prostitute these days while they are away.
That reminds me by the way.
'Elegushi loading' is baccccccccccccccck y'all.
After 6 months of idling and rotting away like Stella's BMW's,Nigerian students have finally being released from the clutches of their parents and thrown back unto the streets they've made their home in recent years!
Even ASUU knows they'd be no proper Xmas celebration without our dear Nigerian university girls.
Our dear letter writing ex-president should also remember that there was a protracted ASUU strike action at the beginning of his tenure.
I did not celebrate 2 birthdays,3 Xmas' and watch an Orange tree grow fully in my backyard all in one academic year because I had nothing better doing!
It is a fact that cannot be disguised that the amount of impunity,corruption and insecurity in the land in the last 24-36 months has reached obscene proportions,almost like the gold piece on the neck of Ayo'jacob the jeweler' Oristejafor but every man,woman and indeed child that has held office in this great country cannot be exempt from blame.

This could have saved you a thousand words OBJ.And spared us from having to read it!

Picking up a pen and writing an epistle like a bored Apostle Paul on one of his numerous journeys of self-redemption along a bumpy road from Damascus to God-knows-where cannot absolve you of blame!
 Infact,watching all the utensils in the PDP kitchen calling each other all shades of black has really cracked me up this festive period.
You guys have been a hoot and a half,I must say!
As for Aunty Iyabo,I did not read yours to be honest!
Daddy issues are meant for a shrink's sofa!
And this is Nigeria,doctors are so poorly paid or completely unpaid that you could get a session for two bars of soap,a bag of salt and an ice-cold Chivita!
Just don't go writing a letter about it afterwards.
 P.S:The flipside of life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Tribe and Prejudice!

I've always loved knowledge.
Gathering up little nuggets of otherwise irrelevant data has always been my thing.
Like knowing the first man to receive a telephone call or trying to find out why for whatever reason Genevieve Nnaji has made it her life's mission to attend every wedding in a 10,000 kilometer radius from her!
I also love words.
I try as much as I can to learn a new word everyday.
No,I don't sit down with a cold bottle of Trophy Lager in one hand,nose in an Oxford dictionary and the other hand gingerly stroking my ignorance and my apparent joblessness as some 'writers' tend to.
I do it the right way.Read as much as I can and check up the unrecognisables.
About that,something really funny happened yesterday.
Not so sure it would interest you but when did that ever stop me from telling you?
So,my 'Word for the day' was 'Star'.
Yes,we all assume we know what a Star means!
But while perusing a popular entertainment blog,vastly popular than mine I must say,I came across a piece where Nigerian artiste/'living off-er' Kayswitch was referred to as a Pop Star.
Well..................................that got me scurrying off fast as you like,almost the same way Wande Coal must have while trying to escape from the studio on the day he 'stole' said song,to check my dictionary.
And to my relief and that of a whole nation(I presume),Star the adjective still does not refer to a no-hit wonder brother of Nigeria's favourite entertainer!

Phew!Your guys almost had me there Kay!

Anyway,while on my never ending sojourn for intellectual gigantism,I came across a comment on Linda Ikeji's blog and true,I'm an avowed LIBer but I don't go there for the gossip.
I just go to check who's advertising and make more money for Linda.

Always confirm if your doctor is digging for information about your health or just checking Linda Ikeji's blog and ignoring you!

In the comment was a word that caught my attention,'Ofe mmanu'.
Slow down Callistus,you won't find it in any dictionary.
Not even the 1980 Websters your Local Government Chairman just distributed.
It caught my attention not because it was exotic but because of the regularity with which it has been turning up online.
It literally means 'Oily soup' or something in the range but has since transcended and become a derogatory term by which Yoruba people are addressed.
Just like 'Aboki' literally means friend but it's never friendly when we yell it at Ahmed Musa for missing another open goal!

Are you asking for your brain back?

Don't get me wrong,a few derogatory terms amongst friends never hurt no one.
Infact I'd readily call my good friend Uche an 'Okoro' if he tries dipping his hand in my bowl of Nkwobi.
But  going through comment boards on popular blogs nationwide,the rise in tribal animosity is increasingly disturbing.
Anything that cannot be explained by rational thought is attributed to tribal deficiencies.
When a young man in an act of greed is caught and paraded at the Lagos Port for attempting to bring in AK-47'S  and RPG'S alongside his container of bathroom tiles and is coincidentally named Uche(Not my friend Uche of the above mentioned Nkwobi fiasco oh),it is hurriedly attributed to the willingness of the Ibos to make a quick buck by all means possible!
When a middle aged woman named Ajoke is caught at the international airport with a few grains of cocaine in her head tie and a few more in her grand kid's diapers,the rationale is that all Yoruba's are drug peddlers.
If these thoughts are from a 75 year old woman in Anambra who lost a husband and two kids to the war and recently lost her eldest child to the never ending carnage in the North,I'd understand.
Or from a husband who had just lost the mother of his children to imported fake drugs,I'd get it.
Pain and loss are excusable reasons for individual irrational generalizations.
But when young,supposedly over educated(all these extra years in University must count for something) Nigerians,whose main problem,though not yet identified by them,is the generalized ,without any form of preference,underdevelopment of their country by their leaders,harbour these thoughts,the future of this country can't but seem bleaker than that of Banky W's scalp ever growing hair again!
Admittedly,Nigeria's amalgamation in 19...........long ago brought together strange bedfellows.
The Nigerian Civil War of 19.........not so long ago fostered a divided nation.
While our parents and guardians have since nurtured these divisions by passing on tasty little helpings of tribal sentiments in an environment of economic lack.
Everyday we see the likes of Aliko Dangote,Femi Otedola and Tony Elumelu wining and dining,laughing wholeheartedly and hugging like long lost lovers in a bad romantic comedy while we the masses whose minds have been dulled by poor education,whose visions have been hampered by incessant blackouts and growths stunted by poor nutrition still despise our neighbours for irrelevant things like too much pepper in the stew or a penchant for wearing just singlets almost everywhere.
We have too many troubles and can't afford to add hate to it.

The three guys even have their faces on our money!How appropriate!

So young Nigeria,when next you are at the club and trying desperately to get into that beautiful girl's pants without giving a hoot where she comes from,remember this immortal piece of advice from Albert 'my cousin' Einstein 'If its good enough for you in the dark,its probably good enough for you in the open'!

P.S:Why are those Nkwobi bowls so shallow?????????
If we talk now they will call us tribalistic!

Pls follow @doctorotcod .He's on the Twitter!

The Coal,The Jazz,The Banj and other short stories!

Damn,I love social media!
It's the honest to God coward's playground.
Since the time of Adam,people have always been at their bravest when faceless or while avoiding face to face confrontation.
Just say anything that pops to your head and add an 'LOL' to it and no one takes offence.
Except your wife's like my friend Josie's,who tore him a new backside when the brother tweeted "Wifeys cooking,causing heartburn since 1912.LOL".
Needless to say,there was no 'LOLing' in that house for a looooong time.
So it came to me as no surprise when the good folks at MAVIN decided to air their laundry on Twitter.
And there is without doubt no better clothes line this side of the galaxy than Twitter.
On the surface,it's about a song allegedly stolen or not stolen but at the core of the matter is a business developed by friends and friends of friends built on poor legal framework.
@DONJAZZY has always struck me as a  man more focused on the art than the business.
Very much like the nerdy scientist in the movies who wants the entire world to benefit from his newly developed genetically modified pest resistant corn while D'banj,God bless his soul,is the greedy billionaire investor who would rather hang his father by the balls than let the wind blow away a fifty Naira note.
And Wande Coal?
That pesky,black guy that everybody expects to die in the very first scene but somehow just keeps hanging on!
Secondly,I know I am pessimistic,cynical and a perennial critic but the song is God awful!
Both versions.
I believe I have heard better songs at a Palestinian funeral.
Have I ever attended a Palestinian funeral?
Well......it depends on who's asking!

Forgot to take a selfie!

Infact the song sounds suspiciously familiar to a song done by Jay Tha Vipa.
Nah.........I didn't think you'd know him.
Jay is the kind of man we refer to as the 'Working Class' guy.
Dude's been trying to 'make it' since the France'98 World Cup!
Yahoo,forex,Online betting,selling Sharwama............name it!
Presently he's an aspiring musician who torments me with free copies of his CD's at my estate gate.
He calls his music AfroHipLife.
DON'T EVEN ASK!!!!!
It would be wise if @wandecoal and @donjazzy just came together and made the song better than the obvious album filler that it presently is.
Or just give the song to Dr Sid
Dude needs a song bad.
Any song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr Dr Sid.........................Shut up already!

It hurts when great partnerships are destroyed on the alter of business and financial considerations.
I spent my entire adult life listening to songs by the Mo Hits Crew and contrary to what half of the world and their dog think,Donjazzy has not always been the life force of the gang.
I remember a fat,bumbling,seemingly always high Wande Coal carrying the crew single handed on the Mo Hits All Star album.
Finally,a repeat of a business breakdown in a unit cannot be a coincidence but God forbid that I spend my imaginary years at Law School trying to judge but @DonJazzy needs to get his house in order or else no amount of free Loya milk and MTN card will stop fans from assuming It's Don Jazzy's(fault) Again.

P.S:Shout out to our Under-17 men whipping the other boys like they stole something.
Adedayo Esan is on the twitter @doctorrotcod

Dear Sister Stella!

Dear Sister Stella,
 It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about  a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!

Damn right!Lives to run another day.

So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!

P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)

PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod

Half of a Yellow Face!(The bleaching epidemic)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That was the loud sound that was about escaping from my throat till I managed to bottle it down due to a combination of resolute will and the fear of the koboko wielding mobile police man at the gate of my neighbourhood bank when I bumped into Shade,my long lost friend from my teenage years a few weeks back.
Yes I was excited to see her(for whatever reason I don't know now) but here's the deal,those who have met me briefly,politely describe me as 'dark' but my friends who have absolutely no reason to be nice or couth(or else we wouldn't be friends,now would we?) describe me as 'black'.
And if you bothered your pretty head to go to Primary School;I don't know why anyone would really cos I hear that one can walk into certain state universities in the South-West and South-East these days with nothing more than an ability to blink twice and hands to present your tuition fees;you definitely would have heard of the nursery rhyme 'Two Little Black Birds'.
I can tell you this,those black birds wherever they may be these days,had nothing on Shade and myself!

Birds of life!

So you can imagine my shock when I saw Shade all these years later looking all "fair and yellow' like a freshly painted Keke Napep.
I was like "Oh my God Shade,you've really changed"
"Yes oh!We thank God." She replied in that most Nigerian of phrases.
And I duly obliged her by saying "It is well".
We all have that person in our lives.
Some come to us as complete shocks especially when the passage of time serves as a conduit for that shock but there are some,that colleague at work,the pastor's wife at church or the lady at the grocery shop in your neighbourhood who right before your eyes had had the 'black' rinsed off her face like Kiwi polish from a rain battered shoe.
To put things in perspective, a recent W.H.O study claims that a staggering 77% of Nigerian women use skin whitening products!
That's 8 out 0f 10 sisters at that your church's singles meeting you love attending so much.
For those who don't place much value on such studies,who would blame you?
I remember when a study done some years back rated Nigerians as the 'happiest people in the world'.
The madness of it!

Guess no one asked these jolly folks?

You don't need a study to open your eyes to this crazed rush by our women for 'lighter and more radiant skin'.
It's right in front of you unless you choose to ignore it.
Every self respecting supermarket has a shelf devoted to these products and the crowd of young women and indeed men,giving each other tips and taking notes like eager university freshmen,on the correct use and mixes is to say the least astonishing.
The unfailingly human flaw of desiring what you don't possess has always been the driving force for some of the greatest successes in mankind but also the source of it's deepest follies.
Society also seems to glorify the fairer skinned amongst us.With actors like Ramsey Nouah,Majid Michael,Omotola and to a lesser extent and I mean a much lesser extent,infact why would anyone hire Tontoh Dikeh for anything,traditionally being more sought after than their darker skinned peers.
Even as far back as 1916 in faraway Rwanda,Belgian colonialists favoured the Tutsi tribe over the Hutu because they were taller,had high cheekbones and indeed,fairer skinned.
"Hey.....Hey,Professor Flipout,can you just cut to the chase.You know I hate it when you start trying to sound smart,educative and shit!By the way,don't you like think it's spelt 'Phavoured"?I ain't saying nothing but it's spelt 'Pharoah' for a reason,innit?
Anyways,the exfoliates,toners,serums,cleansers and whatever names we choose to call them these days are here to stay and as long as we do not appreciate the incredible beauty that is in abundance in each and everyone of us never mind the health risks,they,like that housegirl wey Oga don give belle,ain't going nowhere!
(Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod)
P.S:Here is a list of things you can hire Tontoh Dike for
1) A clown
2)A..................................I'll have to get back to you on this list.