GEJ on Amanpour!

2 nights ago,at about 9pm,dazed and in a drugged like trance from another hectic Lagos day;and no,Pierre from Vienna,what you guys call hectic in Austria is like getting a massage with a happy ending at your neighbourhood bordello compared to what we go through here;I stumbled into my apartment and met my T.V on,of course I must have forgotten to switch off the night before when the electric company cut me off;and no once again,Pierre from Vienna,I pay my bills,its just something they enjoying doing.
While trying to make myself a stiff drink to wake up my dulled senses,I could make out the faint outlines of a rather dull-looking gentleman in a bowler hat,blinking rapidly like a kid caught with his hand in a pot of stew;Hey Pierre,would you just let me finish!!!!!!!
Anyways,where was I?
Ahhh!
I moved closer to the television and lo and behold,it was Uncle Joey being interviewed on CNN by no less a person than Christiane Amanpour.

Been interviewed by Amanpour is like getting lucky with Kim K while Scarlet Johansson looks on.
I mean,its like a 'Yo men,we made it' moment.
I settled down on my craggy sofa,drink in hand and offered a silent prayer to the gods of  Otuoke,Bayelsa,for luck to be with the good uncle Jonah.
And you almost always need it.
On Amanpour,the questions are quick fire and intense.Your answers are expected to be same.Sharp,concise and at times witty.
Its not only a truth seeking exercise but also an intelligence assessing session.
And oh boy,slap me on the head and call me a Jonathan but did Uncle Ebele perform!
This thing called native intelligence,ehn!
At times his answers were precise and dead on like the decision to send troops to Mali and the country's fight against terrorism.
At other times....WOW.........I wondered if we were listening to the same questions.
It seemed he took a second to listen to the question,took another second to frame it in his mind just the way he would have wanted it asked ,then answered his own question.
I can just imagine Uncle Joe smiling to himself and thinking 'Is this Amanpour a learner?'
All in all,it was a fair outing,except when he said something about how electricity supply had improved considerably and how Nigerians can attest to it.

Then again,I'm told the weather is a -8 in Davos,Switzerland at this time.

Must'a been the cold!

I'll give him a 5 out of 10.
And they say I'm a biased critic!

Death and the stethoscope!

Nobody hears when the little man dies.
Even if it appears in the papers,it's usually stuck somewhere in between a disgusting picture of Cossy Orjiakor's morbid boobs and an irrelevant story about a Nigerian minister's(political or religious) son's private jet.
The little man's death is always treated as an afterthought.
That's why people can non-chalantly bat an eyelid and mutter 'it is well' when 30 people are massacred by a suicide bomber in Jos and shout hysterically from the roof top when a bigman and his dog fall from a helicopter.
A couple days ago,on the streets of Lagos,a young medical doctor's life was cut short by a mad man's bullet.
It's not a story that will catch the attention of those in power.
There will be no pretentious visits from the big men in Abuja.
No crocodile tears shed publicly by our number one man for a truly prominent life lost.
There will be no mention in the papers,at least not on the important pages.
Another little man has died and there will be appropriately little noise made.
The details are sketchy,as they always are in Nigeria,Irawo Adamolekun was shot in traffic around the Anthony Village axis of Lagos.

Unworthy end!

Broad daylight!
The daylight was so broad(if there's anything like that),you could probably see the glitter from Stella Oduah's(minister of aviation,in case ya dont know) jewelry filled neck from a mile a way.

I had this ruby piece before I got into office.I swear!

Shot point blank in the head from a robbery gone wrong.
The killer was then said to have calmy,like he had done nothing more important than take a piss on the sidewalk,crossed to the other side of the road and sped off on a waiting motorcycle.
And there I was thinking motorbikes were banned in Lagos!
Apart from been in the full glare of the Sun,it also happened in full view of hundreds of motorist,including Nigerian rapper Ruggedman;can you just change that name already bro!
One would think with a name like that,you'd come out guns blazing to apprehend the fellow,
Rugged my belly button!!!!!!!!!!
Lagos is a tough city.
Yeah we know!
But to be gunned down in public,on a busy high way?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Same fate befell young Dr James Obinyan on the streets of Festac in November 2011.
Shot dead in his car after a robbery attempt.

Life taken from someone so full of it.

Lives are been lost daily in this country.
Wasted.
Terrorists and robbers roam the streets like horny little whores.
Let our case not be like the young chick who wondered why the same master that had been feeding him all this while would now be leading him to slaughter,by asking where the police were when all this killings took place.
Probably peeping from a safe distance like you and I,that's where!!!!!!!!
I read a book once about how all events in the world are inevitably linked.
And it occured to me that the motorbike that served as a get-away for the killers of the young Doc some days back might have gone through a police checkpoint and the rider must have paid some cop somewhere 50naira to continue operating.
50naira(30 cents),the cost of a life in Nigeria!
Anyways,I spoke to the Sun yesterday and he told me he was seeing new things in Nigeria.
And you know what they say about that!

2012!

You can't trust people with anything these days.
Not even an end of the world prediction.
I really did think the world was gonna end on the 21st!
Really did.
Bloody Mayans!
You should have seen the big grin on my face when I told my mechanic on the 20th that I'd have to get back to him with the payment for my car repairs the next day.
21st passed and 22nd came and I woke up to yet another unbelievably hot day in Lagos.
Not one person had been lost to the supposed doomsday.
Least of all my mechanic!
Aside from doomsday prophecies and maniacs shooting babies in American schools,I had promised myself a month's break from writing on this blog.
It was getting a bit tiresome.
I was starting to sound like a wizkid song.
Its all cozy and nice but if truth be told,if you've heard one,you might as well not bother listening to the rest.

Dance for me baby oh eh.............Errrrrrrm..........you know what bro?Is that line from your 'I love my baby' track?.........No?............Sorry!My BAD!

AND I KEPT MY WORD!
Even when petrol was becoming scarcer than a honest Nigerian policeman,I stayed quiet.
Even when some folks bombed the Nigerian Army college,the pride of our military force,a supposed fortress,I kept quiet.
Even when a Nigerian Navy helicopter was used to transport guests for an owambe party by one of our Oga pata-pata's aides and this gallant bird of the skies later crashed,taking along with it one of the finer and honourable members of this political class,I kept quiet.
Even when my brothers from the East refused to travel to the village for the Yuletide because money no dey,I still kept quiet.
But when I woke up this morning and saw the headline of how a Chinese owned warehouse stockpiled with Afghanistan/Baghdad/Maiduguri grade fire works had caught fire and caused absolute mayhem in the middle of downtown Lagos,I knew enough was enough.
How can anyone in his/her right mind keep such an arsenal in a densely populated area?.
Never did trust the Chinese,always squinting like there was a one Naira coin up their ass!
You can't just close your eyes for a second and assume the bad news would just miraculously stop in this great country of ours.
2012 has been especially gruesome for this country.
We have killed our children and fattened our politicians.
Too many mass graves.....Too many ill-equipped hospitals..........Too many explosions in a once quiet land.
But it's not been all bad.
We've had good,even great moments as a country this year.
I just can't remember any!

The Jetsons

Anyone above the age of 25 with access to cable T.V back in the day;either in the comfort of your living room or the comfort of your neighbour's living room(there's nothing wrong with that bro,nothing at all) should be familiar with the Jetsons.
That uber-weird family that lived in the age of space technology with everyone zipping through the skies in their own space shuttles.
I vividly remember mumbling the scientific and logistical impracticability of that ever happening at any time in our existence to my host and then best friend.
I can also remember with disgust when my friend muttered something stupid in reply about how his dad was gonna buy him his own Jetsons space shuttle.
Yeah we were 5 but I still found him pretty dumb even for his age.
Fast forward many years and happenings in modern day Nigeria could darn well prove my childhood buddy right.
The allure of acquiring private jets seems to be the in-thing. It has slowly crept from being the exclusive preserve of the rich and powerful and has slowly but surely found its way into our churches,like everything from miniskirts,braids for men and the I-pad Bible app!(Dont you just hate when people keep tappng on those things during service)
There's absolutely nothing wrong with a successful man or woman acquiring an aeroplane to ease movement in a country like Nigeria where commercial air travel can become a nightmare.
Where airlines like Aero can turn a 10a.m flight to an 11.45p.m slug fest,with people practically throwing punches to access overbooked seats.
Rumour has it that people once stood on a Lagos-Abuja flight;God forbid that one of the Pastor Krises  be caught dead doing 'attachment' on a flight.
As I said there's nothing wrong in theory with Men of God getting the very best out of life. Nothing at all.
But that,my friends,fans,lover's and well-wishers,is theory! And as we all know,not every theory is founded on logic.
Just ask Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon and his theory of economic Wagba-joism.
In principle,it just does not sit well with me. The reported flying machine is said to worth in the region of 5 million US dollars.

Or did they win it here!!!!!!!!

A tidy sum in a poverty ravaged country like ours.
Less than half of that sum would conveniently take care of the basic educational needs of every single child in these churches.
It would set up widows in small businesses.
It would change thousands of the brethren lives.
Is that not what Jesus would really want?
But then what do I know!
It's not like I'll recognise a Bombardier jet if one crawled down to my height and spat aviation fuel in my face!
P.S:Any news on the Taraba State Governor who crashed the State's *wink wink* private jet while allegedly flying it himself.
Hope the plane feels much better?

Biko,Bring Back Bike!

First of,stop the silliness!
Most of us take or have taken bikes at a point in our lives.
So,you can get that haughty 'I've never taken an Oh-ka-dar in my life' look off your face.

I'm sure that's you in the middle.

Phew!Nice to deal with that elephant in the room straight away.
Last week marked a watershed in the lives of Lagosians with the banning of commercial motorcycles popularly known as 'Okada' on the city's highways.
It was something the people had canvassed for years.
And so many facts support the ban.
1)The high accident rates with its attendant high death and injury rates.
2)The security challenge associated with the uncontrollable influx of aliens a.k.a Aboki into the city.
It's a free country but the rate at which Lagos has been invaded is nothing short of alarming.
Blast me,but there's an Aboki bike rider for every tree in Lagos.
So,the Lagos state government in it's wisdom and in support of the previous yearnings of millions of Lagosians,introduced wide and far reaching restrictions on  Okada activity.
And boy were the repercussions unexpected!
Bus queues longer than Lady Dame Jonathan's entourage to Germany for her 'period of rest' *wink wink*
People quarrelling and fighting for space on the few available buses.

Queue to nowhere

It was a return to the days of yore.
Even the Israelites crossing the parted Red Sea could not have been more chaotic than the scenes witnessed in Lagos last week(I can just imagine the last guy on the queue crossing the Red Sea.Nigger be pushing everyone in front of him frantically.Poor sod!)
And that was just the first day!
The second day was hell on earth,with probably the worst traffic gridlock the city had ever witnessed.
There's this particular guy with an Honda 'something something' that I always seem to meet on V.I roads.The brother always speeds past me in my jalopy like my car was moving backwards.
Met the guy in traffic on said day and I kept making funny faces at him.
I'm like 'cat got your wheels?'
Mscheeww!
So we're caught between the proverbial Devil and the deep blue Oniru beach.
Does the government keep the restrictions in place and maintain sanity on our roads at the expense of the suffering masses or does it lift the sanctions and keep filling our orthopaedic wards and mortuaries at our hospital.
Does it keep exposing it's citizens to the Aboki bike rider who doesn't seem to fully comprehend the fact that because there's a slight gap between two trailers does not necessarily mean he has to pass through that gap or better still under the trailer!

Once had an Aboki drive me like this from CMS to Yaba.I swear! *straight face*

I'm all in support of the Lagos State government plan but when a government(at all levels) has failed in the provision of cheap,decent and readily available public transportation,this is what you'll get.
My final word is,21st century Lagos does not have a bus system.
21st century Lagos does not have a rail system.
21st century Lagos does not have a ferry system.
But 21st century Lagos has a functional if chaotic Okada system.
And has my father used to say,'A bird in hand is worth two dancing Azonto in the bush'

The Devil was there!

That's the only sensible explanation I've been able to come up with.
The devil was there,complete with his baseball cap and cool wayfarer sunglasses,conducting affairs.
Like a puppet master at his peak,pulling the strings,orchestrating the mayhem,feeding the madness.
Because I can't for the life of me imagine how a reasonable people,with a head,heart and conscience would club four(4) young men to an early death,for any reason short of murder.
Not even murder justifies the brutality that took place in Aluu.
I haven't been able to bring myself to watch that video.
No one should,in all honestly!
I've seen the pictures though!
And unlike a certain picture of our commander-in-chief that has been circulating on the Internet recently,

Really!I mean dude,really!!!!!!

the pictures of the Aluu4 was as vile in it's bestiality as that of GEJ was vile in it's pretentiousness.
Four(4) young,good looking,well fed men hacked down by a rag-tag army of dishevelled,worn out villagers.
This was a prime case of the poor lashing out.
Somewhere in the darkest recesses of my mind,I can almost understand when one or two dare devil,murdering armed bandits are captured and lynched.
But those four kids????
I just don't get it!
Did they club them to death in turns?
Or did they just bunch them together at once and clubbed them all?
It takes a lot of mean spirited will power to commit such a heinous crime!
Poverty?
Maybe.
Illiteracy?
Maybe.
But nothing justifies the madness.
Does a supposedly stolen blackberry phone or laptop equate four young lives?
I'm not sure it even equates a plate of goat head pepper soup in a decent Lagos 5-star hotel!
We'll get the usual talk from the police,the usual arrest of innocents and the eventual sweeping of the case under the carpet.
This is a case beyond the police.
Maybe even beyond the devil,the orchestrator.
I can just imagine the devil packing up his bags after the second lad was killed and leaving in a hurry,shaking his head and wondering where God got these Nigerians from!

The world in New York!

The UN general assembly is here again.,
And no,Lateef,UN does not stand for Unlimited Nightcalls,it's the United Nations.

The hall of kings.

That gathering of world leaders;from the greatest to the smallest,from pacifist nations to downright terrorist regimes;everyone is given a stage to air his/her views and opinions,no matter how dumb or downright scary.

Was surely missed this year!

President GEJ was there of course.
A raging fuel scarcity and the near total submersion of Kogi,Benue and Niger states by the maurauding River Benue was frankly not important enough to keep him home(By the way,shout out to my peeps in those states who are not only fighting the flood water but the infestation of their villages by crocodiles also displaced.)

Moses would have been nice about this time!

Anyways,GEJ,complete with his bowler hat and half the political class in Nigeria,addressed the General Assembly on the second day of affairs.
It was a speech as uninspiring as it was unlistened to.
Never have I seen so many empty seats at a public gathering since I last attended an Iyanya concert.Well........that was before Kukere and everybody's now acting like he's the second coming of Michael Jackson!
It was obvious the world had no interest in what GEJ had to say and in extension,what Nigeria had to say.
Frankly I'm surprised they even let us in,considering we tried to bomb the skin off their bodies about a year ago.

Yeah,that was us!

Thirteen years ago,when President OBJ gave his first address to the UN,as president of a newly democratic Nigeria,the hall was packed full.
Not because they thought more of OBJ as a person;honestly,they did actually;but because the world was expectant,waiting to hear from this giant black nation about to fufil all it's great potential.
But as President GEJ addressed a near empty hall,it was obvious the world had written us off.
It's like buying a Dbanj CD,you know you're going to get a lot of incoherent grunting,yelps and sex references,it sounds good occasionally but you know you've heard it all before.
Take heart my dear Presido,they dont really hate you.They just dont care for you and for us much.
The highlights for me so far as to be the speech given by the Egyptian prsident(President something-somebody Morsi).I sure as hell wouldnt want to jam that brother in a dark corner.
You could see the passion dripping from his words and firing from his eyes.
Another was the speech given by Julian Assange,founder of WikiLeaks.Wanted in Sweden on allegations of sexual assault and rape.
I'm not one to comment on alleged matters but that blond hair and long nose................show me a baby goat and I'll show you a perv when I see one.
Anyhoo,the assembly is almost over,if by any chance you're of the nerdy persuasion like myself,make out sometime to watch bits and pieces of it.
And if you're not,still try to spare a few seconds from staring at Kim Kardashians boobs and see what's really going on in the world.

I know it's gonna be hard but try!