Nigerian letter writers and Mr Coker!

God bless Mr Coker wherever he may be in this caustic land of obese leaders and famished citizens.
He was my English teacher way back in Secondary School;that's High school for my numerous fans in Obama's country and the many wannabes on the Island.
I love you all by the way.
Versace,Versace everything for you in 2014!
Anyways,in between talking through his nose and squinting through his horn-rimmed glasses,I,the poor boy from the Primary school with two teachers, a security guard who also doubled as the P.E  instructor and a headmistress who owned the barbing salon upstairs, hardly ever understood much of what Mr Coker said in class but damn could the brother teach "Letter writing"!
Coker could write a letter to the Devil and still know if it were appropriate to start things of with a gently worded Dear Sir or just keep it on the informal down low.
Of my numerous distinctions in the School leaving exams(---------------------long space to fill in your unwanted and ultimately disregarded disbelief------------------------------------------------------) my A1 in English Language was my most cherished.
So that's why on reading the Obasenjos' letters I could come to only two logical conclusions;
a)Coker was right.A day would indeed come when I had to actually use the idiom "Pot calling someone else black!"
and
b)Neither of them had Mr Coker as an English teacher.
Which is a pity if I must say.
I have to be honest,as I always am,though God and a few people I know might disagree.
I haven't actually finished either letter.
Don't get me wrong,I started but in between trying to give my very best at work in another failing sector of public service and actually being eternally grateful that I even have a job in this barely floating ship of a country,there's really little energy left for someone else's family squabble.
And such poorly written letters by the way,that much Mr Coker taught me!
If people like Chief Alex Ekwueme or Mallam Nuhu Ribadu decide to pick up their pens and scribble their thoughts  for us all to share,aside from the obviously more enjoyable tenses we can surely expect and the surely more pleasing pictures of those good folks published alongside the letters,we would be digesting the letters looking up,with the words pouring down from the altar of dignity and not creeping up like a stream of deceit from a pig farm somewhere in Ogun State!
Dear OBJ, 'in case you don't,in case you don't,in case you don't know, know', as my good friend Harrisong would say, Corruption was just as widespread in 1999.

Better pikin.........ahn....you be like your papa pikin!(Harrisong,naughty you!)

With Legislators buying furniture for obscene amounts like wood was going out of fashion and Nigerian carpenters were queueing up to join the war in Afghanistan.
Unemployment was just as rampant with the only difference being that at least PhD holders now have a shot at 'tanker' driving jobs and their daughters and wives have a wider array of beaches,hotels and bars to prostitute these days while they are away.
That reminds me by the way.
'Elegushi loading' is baccccccccccccccck y'all.
After 6 months of idling and rotting away like Stella's BMW's,Nigerian students have finally being released from the clutches of their parents and thrown back unto the streets they've made their home in recent years!
Even ASUU knows they'd be no proper Xmas celebration without our dear Nigerian university girls.
Our dear letter writing ex-president should also remember that there was a protracted ASUU strike action at the beginning of his tenure.
I did not celebrate 2 birthdays,3 Xmas' and watch an Orange tree grow fully in my backyard all in one academic year because I had nothing better doing!
It is a fact that cannot be disguised that the amount of impunity,corruption and insecurity in the land in the last 24-36 months has reached obscene proportions,almost like the gold piece on the neck of Ayo'jacob the jeweler' Oristejafor but every man,woman and indeed child that has held office in this great country cannot be exempt from blame.

This could have saved you a thousand words OBJ.And spared us from having to read it!

Picking up a pen and writing an epistle like a bored Apostle Paul on one of his numerous journeys of self-redemption along a bumpy road from Damascus to God-knows-where cannot absolve you of blame!
 Infact,watching all the utensils in the PDP kitchen calling each other all shades of black has really cracked me up this festive period.
You guys have been a hoot and a half,I must say!
As for Aunty Iyabo,I did not read yours to be honest!
Daddy issues are meant for a shrink's sofa!
And this is Nigeria,doctors are so poorly paid or completely unpaid that you could get a session for two bars of soap,a bag of salt and an ice-cold Chivita!
Just don't go writing a letter about it afterwards.
 P.S:The flipside of life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Tribe and Prejudice!

I've always loved knowledge.
Gathering up little nuggets of otherwise irrelevant data has always been my thing.
Like knowing the first man to receive a telephone call or trying to find out why for whatever reason Genevieve Nnaji has made it her life's mission to attend every wedding in a 10,000 kilometer radius from her!
I also love words.
I try as much as I can to learn a new word everyday.
No,I don't sit down with a cold bottle of Trophy Lager in one hand,nose in an Oxford dictionary and the other hand gingerly stroking my ignorance and my apparent joblessness as some 'writers' tend to.
I do it the right way.Read as much as I can and check up the unrecognisables.
About that,something really funny happened yesterday.
Not so sure it would interest you but when did that ever stop me from telling you?
So,my 'Word for the day' was 'Star'.
Yes,we all assume we know what a Star means!
But while perusing a popular entertainment blog,vastly popular than mine I must say,I came across a piece where Nigerian artiste/'living off-er' Kayswitch was referred to as a Pop Star.
Well..................................that got me scurrying off fast as you like,almost the same way Wande Coal must have while trying to escape from the studio on the day he 'stole' said song,to check my dictionary.
And to my relief and that of a whole nation(I presume),Star the adjective still does not refer to a no-hit wonder brother of Nigeria's favourite entertainer!

Phew!Your guys almost had me there Kay!

Anyway,while on my never ending sojourn for intellectual gigantism,I came across a comment on Linda Ikeji's blog and true,I'm an avowed LIBer but I don't go there for the gossip.
I just go to check who's advertising and make more money for Linda.

Always confirm if your doctor is digging for information about your health or just checking Linda Ikeji's blog and ignoring you!

In the comment was a word that caught my attention,'Ofe mmanu'.
Slow down Callistus,you won't find it in any dictionary.
Not even the 1980 Websters your Local Government Chairman just distributed.
It caught my attention not because it was exotic but because of the regularity with which it has been turning up online.
It literally means 'Oily soup' or something in the range but has since transcended and become a derogatory term by which Yoruba people are addressed.
Just like 'Aboki' literally means friend but it's never friendly when we yell it at Ahmed Musa for missing another open goal!

Are you asking for your brain back?

Don't get me wrong,a few derogatory terms amongst friends never hurt no one.
Infact I'd readily call my good friend Uche an 'Okoro' if he tries dipping his hand in my bowl of Nkwobi.
But  going through comment boards on popular blogs nationwide,the rise in tribal animosity is increasingly disturbing.
Anything that cannot be explained by rational thought is attributed to tribal deficiencies.
When a young man in an act of greed is caught and paraded at the Lagos Port for attempting to bring in AK-47'S  and RPG'S alongside his container of bathroom tiles and is coincidentally named Uche(Not my friend Uche of the above mentioned Nkwobi fiasco oh),it is hurriedly attributed to the willingness of the Ibos to make a quick buck by all means possible!
When a middle aged woman named Ajoke is caught at the international airport with a few grains of cocaine in her head tie and a few more in her grand kid's diapers,the rationale is that all Yoruba's are drug peddlers.
If these thoughts are from a 75 year old woman in Anambra who lost a husband and two kids to the war and recently lost her eldest child to the never ending carnage in the North,I'd understand.
Or from a husband who had just lost the mother of his children to imported fake drugs,I'd get it.
Pain and loss are excusable reasons for individual irrational generalizations.
But when young,supposedly over educated(all these extra years in University must count for something) Nigerians,whose main problem,though not yet identified by them,is the generalized ,without any form of preference,underdevelopment of their country by their leaders,harbour these thoughts,the future of this country can't but seem bleaker than that of Banky W's scalp ever growing hair again!
Admittedly,Nigeria's amalgamation in 19...........long ago brought together strange bedfellows.
The Nigerian Civil War of 19.........not so long ago fostered a divided nation.
While our parents and guardians have since nurtured these divisions by passing on tasty little helpings of tribal sentiments in an environment of economic lack.
Everyday we see the likes of Aliko Dangote,Femi Otedola and Tony Elumelu wining and dining,laughing wholeheartedly and hugging like long lost lovers in a bad romantic comedy while we the masses whose minds have been dulled by poor education,whose visions have been hampered by incessant blackouts and growths stunted by poor nutrition still despise our neighbours for irrelevant things like too much pepper in the stew or a penchant for wearing just singlets almost everywhere.
We have too many troubles and can't afford to add hate to it.

The three guys even have their faces on our money!How appropriate!

So young Nigeria,when next you are at the club and trying desperately to get into that beautiful girl's pants without giving a hoot where she comes from,remember this immortal piece of advice from Albert 'my cousin' Einstein 'If its good enough for you in the dark,its probably good enough for you in the open'!

P.S:Why are those Nkwobi bowls so shallow?????????
If we talk now they will call us tribalistic!

Pls follow @doctorotcod .He's on the Twitter!

The Coal,The Jazz,The Banj and other short stories!

Damn,I love social media!
It's the honest to God coward's playground.
Since the time of Adam,people have always been at their bravest when faceless or while avoiding face to face confrontation.
Just say anything that pops to your head and add an 'LOL' to it and no one takes offence.
Except your wife's like my friend Josie's,who tore him a new backside when the brother tweeted "Wifeys cooking,causing heartburn since 1912.LOL".
Needless to say,there was no 'LOLing' in that house for a looooong time.
So it came to me as no surprise when the good folks at MAVIN decided to air their laundry on Twitter.
And there is without doubt no better clothes line this side of the galaxy than Twitter.
On the surface,it's about a song allegedly stolen or not stolen but at the core of the matter is a business developed by friends and friends of friends built on poor legal framework.
@DONJAZZY has always struck me as a  man more focused on the art than the business.
Very much like the nerdy scientist in the movies who wants the entire world to benefit from his newly developed genetically modified pest resistant corn while D'banj,God bless his soul,is the greedy billionaire investor who would rather hang his father by the balls than let the wind blow away a fifty Naira note.
And Wande Coal?
That pesky,black guy that everybody expects to die in the very first scene but somehow just keeps hanging on!
Secondly,I know I am pessimistic,cynical and a perennial critic but the song is God awful!
Both versions.
I believe I have heard better songs at a Palestinian funeral.
Have I ever attended a Palestinian funeral?
Well......it depends on who's asking!

Forgot to take a selfie!

Infact the song sounds suspiciously familiar to a song done by Jay Tha Vipa.
Nah.........I didn't think you'd know him.
Jay is the kind of man we refer to as the 'Working Class' guy.
Dude's been trying to 'make it' since the France'98 World Cup!
Yahoo,forex,Online betting,selling Sharwama............name it!
Presently he's an aspiring musician who torments me with free copies of his CD's at my estate gate.
He calls his music AfroHipLife.
DON'T EVEN ASK!!!!!
It would be wise if @wandecoal and @donjazzy just came together and made the song better than the obvious album filler that it presently is.
Or just give the song to Dr Sid
Dude needs a song bad.
Any song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr Dr Sid.........................Shut up already!

It hurts when great partnerships are destroyed on the alter of business and financial considerations.
I spent my entire adult life listening to songs by the Mo Hits Crew and contrary to what half of the world and their dog think,Donjazzy has not always been the life force of the gang.
I remember a fat,bumbling,seemingly always high Wande Coal carrying the crew single handed on the Mo Hits All Star album.
Finally,a repeat of a business breakdown in a unit cannot be a coincidence but God forbid that I spend my imaginary years at Law School trying to judge but @DonJazzy needs to get his house in order or else no amount of free Loya milk and MTN card will stop fans from assuming It's Don Jazzy's(fault) Again.

P.S:Shout out to our Under-17 men whipping the other boys like they stole something.
Adedayo Esan is on the twitter @doctorrotcod

Dear Sister Stella!

Dear Sister Stella,
 It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about  a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!

Damn right!Lives to run another day.

So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!

P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)

PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod

Half of a Yellow Face!(The bleaching epidemic)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That was the loud sound that was about escaping from my throat till I managed to bottle it down due to a combination of resolute will and the fear of the koboko wielding mobile police man at the gate of my neighbourhood bank when I bumped into Shade,my long lost friend from my teenage years a few weeks back.
Yes I was excited to see her(for whatever reason I don't know now) but here's the deal,those who have met me briefly,politely describe me as 'dark' but my friends who have absolutely no reason to be nice or couth(or else we wouldn't be friends,now would we?) describe me as 'black'.
And if you bothered your pretty head to go to Primary School;I don't know why anyone would really cos I hear that one can walk into certain state universities in the South-West and South-East these days with nothing more than an ability to blink twice and hands to present your tuition fees;you definitely would have heard of the nursery rhyme 'Two Little Black Birds'.
I can tell you this,those black birds wherever they may be these days,had nothing on Shade and myself!

Birds of life!

So you can imagine my shock when I saw Shade all these years later looking all "fair and yellow' like a freshly painted Keke Napep.
I was like "Oh my God Shade,you've really changed"
"Yes oh!We thank God." She replied in that most Nigerian of phrases.
And I duly obliged her by saying "It is well".
We all have that person in our lives.
Some come to us as complete shocks especially when the passage of time serves as a conduit for that shock but there are some,that colleague at work,the pastor's wife at church or the lady at the grocery shop in your neighbourhood who right before your eyes had had the 'black' rinsed off her face like Kiwi polish from a rain battered shoe.
To put things in perspective, a recent W.H.O study claims that a staggering 77% of Nigerian women use skin whitening products!
That's 8 out 0f 10 sisters at that your church's singles meeting you love attending so much.
For those who don't place much value on such studies,who would blame you?
I remember when a study done some years back rated Nigerians as the 'happiest people in the world'.
The madness of it!

Guess no one asked these jolly folks?

You don't need a study to open your eyes to this crazed rush by our women for 'lighter and more radiant skin'.
It's right in front of you unless you choose to ignore it.
Every self respecting supermarket has a shelf devoted to these products and the crowd of young women and indeed men,giving each other tips and taking notes like eager university freshmen,on the correct use and mixes is to say the least astonishing.
The unfailingly human flaw of desiring what you don't possess has always been the driving force for some of the greatest successes in mankind but also the source of it's deepest follies.
Society also seems to glorify the fairer skinned amongst us.With actors like Ramsey Nouah,Majid Michael,Omotola and to a lesser extent and I mean a much lesser extent,infact why would anyone hire Tontoh Dikeh for anything,traditionally being more sought after than their darker skinned peers.
Even as far back as 1916 in faraway Rwanda,Belgian colonialists favoured the Tutsi tribe over the Hutu because they were taller,had high cheekbones and indeed,fairer skinned.
"Hey.....Hey,Professor Flipout,can you just cut to the chase.You know I hate it when you start trying to sound smart,educative and shit!By the way,don't you like think it's spelt 'Phavoured"?I ain't saying nothing but it's spelt 'Pharoah' for a reason,innit?
Anyways,the exfoliates,toners,serums,cleansers and whatever names we choose to call them these days are here to stay and as long as we do not appreciate the incredible beauty that is in abundance in each and everyone of us never mind the health risks,they,like that housegirl wey Oga don give belle,ain't going nowhere!
(Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod)
P.S:Here is a list of things you can hire Tontoh Dike for
1) A clown
2)A..................................I'll have to get back to you on this list.

A for Associated Airline,B for Boko ,C for...........well,C for Cenya!

Today marks a sad turning point in my life.
The day when I officially stop referring to myself as a blogger.
My new post delivery rate is slower than the Nigerian Postal Service.
And those guys be slow!
Once sent a letter to congratulate my sister on giving birth to a bouncing baby boy and it was my nephew who read the letter to her when it was delivered many years later.
I''ll like to be referred to from today,if its not too much of a bother,as 'He Of The Pen Who Refuses To Write' or simply,HOTPWRTW,if that's the sort of thing that floats your boat.
Anyways,things have been rather bland of late.Same old same old or as my friend GT the Guitar Man would say,much of a muchness.
And no I don't know GT the Guitar Man.Just wanted to write the name down so the off chance he gets to read this,he can see how absolutely stupid the name sounds.
So, things were going on as usual.Bombs in Iraq and Pakistan,a few beheadings in Nigeria and Syrians still awaiting the first American bombs.
Then Westgate happened!!!!
Damn me,I'm so used to seeing Kenyan athletes skinny as hell and buck-toothed to boot,running slower than the Nigerian economy in their usual marathons.
So the sight of Kenyans(the lucky ones mind you),sprinting out of the Westgate Mall,eyes widened and arms flailing like a bunch of drowning Nigerian migrants in the Mediterranean as they escaped seemingly certain death was as startling as it was disconcerting!
President Jo's assertion and wise counsel that Nigerians should bear with terrorism as all countries were passing through it and it was(is) merely Nigeria's turn may actually now hold water.
A basket full of water,mind you!
President Uhuru(I cant help but let out a giggle when I hear that name.Reminds of a pet squirrel."Mummy,mummy!All my friends have Uhuru's,Can I get one?") Kenyatta's and the Kenyan Security Services response was one all Kenyans and indeed Africans can be proud of.
It was swift,decisive and thorough;like a mobile police man's slap on a misbehaving Lagos bus conductor!

You know that kain slap na!

Something also happened in Yobe some days after.I think?
A lot of students,young adults,were murdered in their sleep.I think?
Possibly more people died at the College of Agriculture in Yobe than Westgate.I think?
But there was barely any news coverage until days after.
No reassuring statements from our Commander-in-Chief except for repeated reminders of our readiness to help the Kenyans in their fight against terror...........I really cant help giggling today.I think I'll need a few minutes or indeed paragraphs to recover from this one).







Ok!Back to the matter,as Wizkid once wisely counseled.
There was no social media buzz.No Twitter storm.
There was a yawning gap between the #Westgate trend and the #Jim Iyke demonic deliverance;I'm sorry but if it took T.B Joshua to tell you that Oga Jim had demons then you better start having tea with your breakfast cos you're a complete mug!
Nigger has more demons in his head than a Mount Zion Ministry film.

Still don't understand the outfit but I'm a bit more sympathetic.

I just hope one of those dispersed demons were not hanging around the Lagos Airport when Dr Olusegun Agagu,former governor of Ondo State's corpse was being conveyed.
When a plane transporting a corpse crashes and creates another dozen corpses,you know Fela Kuti wasn't just high on high grade cannabis when he sang his now famous line 'Dead body get accident".
Dr Agagu was a gentleman through and through and neither he nor his family members deserve this double dose of tragedy that poor and unsafe roads MAY have contributed to.
In fact,no man deserves to die twice.............well,unless you're my dear Uncle Wale who once went to a salon to have the grey dyed out of his hair and one thing led to the other.....the dye did not take.....blah blah blah ............and he eventually had it done again!
P.S:Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter  @doctorrotcod

Twitterati!

Please follow on twitter @doctorrotcod for alerts on new posts and all round dysfunction.

Nigerian new-age pastors and the bible they read!

Secondary school was a fun period.We were young,fresh faced and almost every thing was new.
Your first beer,first kiss,your first(and maybe last) smoke.
It was a period of giddy excitement and fun.
The downside though was the fact that you had to read.
I mean,they did call it school for a reason!
For those,who for some reason found themselves in the science classes,the giant sized 'Modern Biology' and 'Ababio';that fear inducing Chemistry textbook;was often the first clue that you might,just might have found yourself in the wrong class and you'd promptly exit through the next available open window.
For those of us more plucky and brave,we waded  and battled through it,not because we were necessarily smarter(sure we were................Nigger,ask about me) but because we devised the key to studying...........and hopefully passing.
Damn books had about a thousand pages.Just focus like a dog with a bone on a random 400 pages and hope for the damn best come exam day!
A trip to a new age Nigerian church  makes me feel like these pastors have taken a leaf of our book and 'Ababioed' the bible.
The Bible alongside the Qur'an are probably the greatest books ever written.
It takes you on a journey right from creation to stories of faith,tales of adversity,loss,war,great victory,prosperity and finally rounds up with what will conclude this maddening rat race we find ourselves.
So,when a Jerry-curled,Armani suit wearing lad who may or may not have gotten to 'a level of grace' where nubile young girls who aren't family can sit on his lap makes the act of giving or what we fondly refer to as 'Sowing' in this parts,the star of the book,you have to feel a wee bit sorry for folks like Moses,Ruth,Job,Saul(Paul),Jonathan(not Goodluck) who's life stories and journeys are and will continue to be the back bone,moral thread and truly life defining experiences that shapes the true believers.
I can bet that a trip by Moses to any of the many churches in the Oregun,Ikeja axis of Lagos on a Sunday morning must leave him feeling like a 'waka-pass' in a Nigerian movie.
Nobody talks about sin anymore;and we forget so easily that he climbed a treacherously steep mountain(at least that's what the picture in 'My Book of Bible Stories' used) to get the 10 commandments.
What if the dude had fallen and broken his neck?
Nobody talks about hell anymore.
Nobody tells the sister with the mini-skirt not large enough for a proper nose blowing or the brother with the weave that the club is down the road in case they might have missed their way.
As long as they sow!(Master card and Visa accepted here by the way!)
It must all feel like deja-vu to chaps like Moses.
Remember when he came down from the mountains and met the Israelites dancing Azonto to all sorts of golden idols?

Say whaaaaaaaaatttttttt!

The church today is full of all sorts of golden idols and the sad thing is they are made from the trinkets of the poor.
Shepherds are meant to guide and teach you life lessons but when they focus on a tiny fraction of a perfectly good book,like myself and my good friend and now international model,Sheg Aranmolate did back in the days and ignore the rest,don't be surprised if you get caught napping like we did when we were asked at what temperature a metal gets white hot.

We only stopped at red hot!
P.S:I make no pretensions.I'm a sinner.I sinned yesterday.I'll sin today and I'll probably sin tomorrow but i acknowledge that.
Follow @doctorrotcod

Sun-tanning Suntai!

The news filtered in just as myself and my good friend Mr You-dont-need-to-know-his-name Phillips were sharing a bottle of Lager in a bar in downtown Lagos.
The long awaited and long prayed for Governor Suntai of Taraba State was back home.
Amid fanfare,hordes of flag waving school children,relieved party members and concerned citizens,the Governor strode down the aircraft,chin raised and proud like a goat who had just stumbled on his owner's yam stable.
Not really though. I(and I speak for meself only) had forgotten there was a man named Governor Suntai. To be honest,I had briefly,with all the troubles one has to face in Lagos daily,forgotten there was a state called Taraba!
In fact,while trying to jog our memories,my dear friend,Mr Philips,even insinuated that it could be the ex-Chinese Mayor,who's presently on trial for corruption who had fled to Nigeria for safe haven.
Mr Philips,good bless his kind soul,did confess that he was not sure what the Chinese gentleman's name was but he could swear by his last ironed shirt(and that's nothing to sniff at mind you,considering he had not had electricity for 2weeks and counting) that it sounded like Mayor Sun Tai.
Anyways,unless 'Mayor Sun Tai' had the nationality slapped off his face by his mother for being corrupt,we can safely assume the gentleman that made his way gingerly down the plane while being supported by his aides,was neither Chinese nor escaping from anything.

Mind you,that's the new Special Assistant to the Governor on State 'Support' Systems behind him.

For those who do not remember,Governor Suntai was the gentleman who crashed his/the state's private jet some months back,while flying it.
All by himself.
Yep!
Move on!
I was glad though.Even though the plane the dear Governor crashed while possibly fulfilling a childhood fantasy of his might be worth much more than the entire year's allocation to education in Taraba,the survival of a man from the clutches of death is always something to celebrate.
And celebrate we did!Myself and Mr Philip.A couple of bottles of cold lager and a few dead catfish can testify to the fact that we toasted to his health and wished him well in his convalescence period in the coming months.
So you can very well imagine the shock on my face when I heard the news of the governor dissolving his cabinet and sacking key staff barely a day after returning.
Infact,if you could extract the shock from my system,condense it into chocolate bars of 'common sense',there would have been enough to go round for the staff of the Benin Airport and maybe,just maybe,someone would have been alive to their responsibilities and seen the boy stow away on an Arik flight to the 'US'.

So many black people in the U.S!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhoo,we've been on this road before with the former occupants of Aso-Rock and I can tell you with certainty,it ain't pretty.
The script seems eerily similar.A hastily arranged return.No personal statements made except through 'aides'. No visits allowed and a wife keen,as you would expect,to protect her husband's privacy.
I'm no expert at telling you a man's mental state from a few seconds of video,in truth,my friends will tell you that I'm no expert at anything really but the man Suntai did not look fit to do the 'skelewu' let alone run a state.
But then again as our dear Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA has said,'Who are we to Judge?' It is better we look and observe for now.
Abi,Pastor?
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Shekau my skelewu!(Check out my skelewu!)

The news making the rounds in the past two days points to the possible death of dreaded Boko Haram leader,Abubakar Shekau.
The JTF spokesman said and I quote "Mr Shekau was mortally wounded in the encounter and was sneaked into Amitchide,a border town with Cameroon and it is believed that he MIGHT have died between July 25th and August 3rd".
I ask with all sense of responsibility and humility(from my Apple MacPro and tortoise shell Ray-Ban),HOW CAN SOMEONE MAY HAVE DIED?!
I may be ugly.Yeah,I get that!
I may be broke.Like all the time!
Infact,I may or may not like my boss but I dare say that I may not say it openly.
But can someone as divisive and accountable to Nigerians as Mr Shekau 'May have died?'
Unacceptable!
It is true that intelligence reports at times may be difficult to back up with  evidentiary proof but strong words and decisive language always make up for photos or videos.
The American example readily springs to mind.
When announcing the death of low level Al-Qeada commandants,the words 'may' or 'probably' were often used but when announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden,I doubt if Barry 'Check out my beautiful family' Obama said "You know what folks,Osama was shot today.I know y'all are glad but hold on a second,just hold on,this ain't the time to go yanking your doodle.HE MAY HAVE DIED!"
No my dear fellow citizens of the country of 'He may have died',Obama's words were swift and decisive.
Even without photo or video evidence,we held it as truth.
AnD we haven't seen an Osama video since by the way!Unlike the damn scary video of Shekau that made the rounds on the Internet a couple of days ago which made reference to recent brutal attacks by the sect.Infact,the dude stopped short of congratulating the Super Eagles on winning the Mandela Challenge just a week ago.

Is he dancing Skelewu somewhere as we speak?

All we ask for is finality and a decisive truth.
We have been too hurt to be 'MAYED'!
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Dem don port oh!

Anytime I hear the word deportation the first picture that comes to mind,my mind anyway,is that of our Edo sisters being shipped in their hundreds after being gathered from all corners of Italy and dispatched off like those annoying black beetles we used to find in boiled beans back in the days.

Errrmmmm....I doubt this is Italy?

By the way,those beetles have stopped showing up like a good Dbanj song,they must have peas-ed off someone important!
Apparently,sometime last week,a couple of poor,unprotected Nigerians were picked up on the streets of Lagos in the dead of the night and swiftly 'deported' to a corner of the country more renown for making fake and often times dangerous products than anything else.
Onitsha,that beautiful city east of the Niger where there is more illicit money being made than a Nigerian new-era church!
The story goeth thus,depending on whose account you choose to believe,in the dead of the night while good,law-abiding citizens were sleeping;that would be approximately 90% of the masses and 0.25% of the political class;the Lagos State government through its goons or as the government would  prefer to refer to them,state officials,picked up 72 or was it 14,innocent or wandering vagrants,depending on whose side of the coin appears brighter to you,hurriedly packed them into a waiting truck and ferried them off,at break neck speed,dodging pot-holes,avoiding check points and often times driving against traffic(OK,nobody said that ,I'm just adding my own twist) to their final destination.
Under the bridge at Upper Iweka,Onitsha!
To be honest,I'm surprised no one saw them dump these unfortunate fellows.
The movies coming out of Nollywood these days are so poor,I wouldn't be surprised if non-essential crew members sleep under bridges instead of hotels.
Anyhoo,as always with everything in our dear country,ethnic colourations and connotations have been adduced.
The noise coming out of the East has been louder than Chidi Lloyd's mace landing on his colleague's head.
And with elections coming up in Anambra,the governor,who's only remarkable  achievement is sharing a surname with a Nigerian soccer star,has chosen to make inflammatory and not very well thought out comments.

Peter???Peter???................St Peter?

The Igbos are Nigerians and they are free  like every one else to live in any part of the country they so choose;not like they needed reminding anyways.If I had a he-goat for every luxurious bus that berths at Jibowu park in Lagos every evening with new arrivals,I just might have enough goats to marry a ten year old Egyptian girl and then contest for a Senate seat.
Nobody can deport the Igbo from Lagos.
What will I do without my 'friend' at the viewing center who constantly tells me that 'Arsenal Wenger' is a failure?
They are free to live,do business,procreate and excel in Lagos as they are in Maiduguri.
Well...........................................................................maybe not so much in Maiduguri though!
The Lagos state government has one of the most open-arm policies of all state governments in the country.
With free tuition for students of all ethnicity in it's public schools.
With people of all ethnicity in it's State Civil Service.
With quality roads and public amenities in all corners of the state even in areas that can be conveniently conceived as conurbations that house mainly certain ethnic groups.
For Governor 'Whats his name' Obi to stand on a soap box and try to gain political capital from this,when his state and many in the East have a clear cut policy of paying school fees for only indigenes and employing only such in their civil service smacks greatly of political shenanigans and crinkum crankum(maximum respect Hon. Obahiagbon,respect!).
When hundreds of beggars are picked up and dumped up North,no one bats an eyelid.
When commercial motorcyclists,mainly young jobless boys from Northern Nigeria are being forced back to the grinding penury of home by the Okada ban,not a few of us applauded!
When struggling artisans and beggars were picked up and dumped in Oyo State,a while back,no one listened to Governor Alao Akala's remonstrations.Instead,we dubbed him 'The Bleached One'.

The knuckles bro!That's the first thing they teach in Bleach 101

As a respected social commentator succinctly put it,this is not  a case of ethnic discrimination.It is simply a case of social discrimination.
The poor are clearly not welcome in Lagos.
My advice to you my dear readers would be to always dress up in your Sunday best even if it's just to buy Indomie from the 'Mallam' across your house,make you no go find yourself for ya village the next morning!
In the immortal words of that store of infinite cultural wisdom,human philosophy and etiquette,American gangster rapper,2chainz,'I'll be fresh as hell if the Feds watching'.
P.S:This is for my friend Brume Bekibele as he gets married,God bless you bro!
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The law,paedophilia and ignorantis!

Seems like yesterday when we used to love and blow,i lay the slacks you love to flow..........
Well.................... I'm not sure if that's exactly what P.diddy said in that now iconic song 'I'll be missing you' but nevertheless it's exactly a month and eleven days since I wrote my last piece on this blog and the days have flown by faster than my last month's salary.
Since then,a couple of young kids have been gunned down right in their dormitories in Yobe State.
An aircraft somehow navigated the journey from South Korea and then chose to crash land at the airport in San Fransisco.
OJB Jezrel has had to publicly beg for his life and has perhaps belatedly realised that he probably has less friends than he once imagined!
And the rift caused by the mace-attack in the River's State house of assembly is probably deeper than Nigeria's Big Brother Africa representative,Beverly's woman parts.

I don't see this two sharing a cup of tea for a while!.

But what has probably caught my attention,like Senator Yerima at a primary school for little girls and brought my rusty fingers to the computer has to be this #Childnotbride campaign.
It showed the power of information and the Internet in our time.
The influence this medium can wield was brought to the fore once again.
In less than 24hours,#Childnotbride was trending worldwide.
We had once again exposed our dirty linen to the world,just like we did with the poor Aluu boys.
The Internet was abuzz with Nigerian tweets.
Errant youngsters left their porn gazing and Internet fraud for a wee second.
Mischievous adolescent runs-girls were busy tweeting 'Give a girl a pen and not a penis' from their Samsung  S4's,when they had obviously left their own pens on campus and were chasing after various penises round Lagos.
Bored housewives took a minute from Internet shopping sites and turning their husband's debit cards into a true piece of plastic and lent their voices to the cause.
Even OJB from his hospital bed(when that guy dey go the India sef!).
The jury is still out on the true intentions of the Nigerian Senate but to give the impression that child marriage was legalised is not only mischievous but frankly misleading.
 My distinguished senators do not waste time on matters that will not benefit them materially and impoverish the country more.
But has the law in a manner cordoned it?Maybe.
Can a certain scruffy,goateed Senator from a state that starts with a Z pick a pretty flat chested damsel half his grand-daughter's age from the primary school in his province and make her a wife without having done wrong in the eyes of the Nigerian State?You bet your sweet ass he can!
Have the pot-bellied thieves and perverts in the Senate hijacked an innocent discussion on the appropriate age and mental capacity at which one can renounce citizenship of a country?Sure!
But for a large chunk of us to jump on a band wagon like half starved Syrian children making for the Turkish border( dont bother racking your brains,Linda Ikekji has not blogged about it yet.When she does,you'll understand) beggars belief.

Syria??????Ngwano..............Linda,P-square get show for there?

I detest child marriages as much as anyone else or maybe more.
I work in a field where I come up close and personal with young girls going through the horrors of vesico-vaginal fistula and all the other perils of child marriage.

Happy and innocent........as it should be.

I have been in the trenches campaigning against it,right on the ground,in the most affected areas even before most of this new breed Internet warriors bought their first blackberries and sent their first tweets.
Let's fight a good fight for these girls,let us not insult them with a 24hr Internet blast.
The Aluu4 boys can testify!
 P.S:This one if for you Cousin William as you welcome a new life to our family.
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Oya Limpopo!

About 6 months ago when my cousin,an equally under-employed young man with way too much time on his skinny hands,and I came across KC's song 'Limpopo',he swore to me in between fits of raucous(not too sure what that means but it sounds like something a jobless guy would do) laughter  that the Nigerian music industry had finally reached its Nollywood moment.
It just could not possibly get any worse!
His verdict was,anyone one who bought the CD would be using it as a make shift rear-view mirror(just ask the bus drivers in Lagos) not too long after purchase.
I,on the other hand,due to numerous life experiences,I'm always a lot slower in over-rating the Nigerian youth.
I believed the song had three essential elements of a Nigerian hit.
First,an absolutely jamming beat!It might seem like what any half-wit with a barely charged Acer laptop and an even less charged brain m ight be able to come up with but to the Nigerian music scene,that's pure gold wearing a pair of Nike sneakers and jumping into your pocket!
Secondly,3 or 4 lines,and if you are an aspiring high school drop out and thinking of taking the next logical step into the Nigerian music industry,never more than 5 dear,of absolutely senseless and meaningless lyrics repeated over and over again.
Daddy Showkey had that revelation in a dream almost 20 years ago and it has been passed on to generations on end after him.

Thirdly,a one-word title.Which must and I dear say this is the most important,mean absolutely nothing.
Just ask Kukere,Tongolo,Nogede and Alanta before him.
Fast forward to 6 months and the song is an absolute monster.
Club,radio and video.
My faith in the rabid ability of the Nigerian youth to soak up all sorts of nonsense around it like a cheap Chinese sponge was eventually not misplaced.
Anyways,I've just completed a two weeks break from work,the real one and this one,and I feel completely refreshed though some parts of my brain is still dulled from watching too much of the Nigerian music channel Sound City.
It was tedious 8 out of 10 times.I really could not tell Sean Tizzle,Ketchup,Rayce or Davido and a host of others apart.
It seems they all just sleep at the front gate of the same producer and tell each other "You know what?when the guy drops the beat in the morning,we'll all just drop our lyrics on the same beat and hope for the best!"
It wasn't all that bad to be honest.There are some good young Nigerian musicians doing good music.
The boy Black Magic springs to mind with 'Repete' and 'Confam'.
Shank with 'Ghetto'(not a new song but vastly under-rated).
Mode Nine's 'Let it go' is hot.True rap music.
By the way,somebody help Mode Nine with an endorsement deal;Glo,Mtn even Loya Milk,any one please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude's been dropping good rap music for the past 10 odd years but his records sell less than the chap who hawks 'I love Boko Haram' T-shirts down my street.
Then the videos!!!It's like porn on daytime T.v.
There are more half naked girls on those videos than a Swaziland wife choosing ritual.

Maybe I exaggerate a little!

My representation of the music industry might be a tad unfair but it's what I saw in 2 weeks and if you don't agree with me,go get yourself a blog and write what you think.
At least before President Jo shuts the Internet down!
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Butchers,DemDonCrazy Day and the Nigerian Governors Forum!

So much water has passed under the proverbial bridge since we last gisted and I'm guessing that if not for the rehabilitation work done on the 3rd Mainland bridge a while back,the poor bridge might just have collapsed from the sheer force!
Its been two weeks or so of non-stop action.
From murderous Isale-Eko butchers turned British citizens to state governors having a laugh at our collective expense by competing in a ball-sizing competition in Abuja to today's celebration of Democracy Day.
Happy Democracy Day by the way.
I woke up this morning to loud cheerful noises on my street.
Hundreds of residents had lined my streets,waving flags fervently like a bunch of epileptic children and singing the National Anthem with pride.
I quickly raced down the stairs to join the fray to ask what all the joyful commotion was about and I was told 'Duh!Its democracy day.We are celebrating"
I hurriedly rushed over to the makeshift kiosk where Nigerian flags were being handed out to grab mine.
Until.................................the loud banging on the metal barricade I call my apartment door and my security man's shrill voice yelling 'Oga,I wan off the gen oh.You know say light never dey this week  make you for allow the thing rest small' woke me up from my slumber.
It's just one of those holidays I don't get.
You don't celebrate what you don't have.
You don't see a 'Proud Ferrari owner' sticker on my jalopy Mazda now,do you?
So why on earth are we?
That also reminds me by the way.
I need to get a 64 inch screen T.V at the very least.
I was watching a DemDonCrazy Day town hall meeting today on the NTA,all the government officials seemed to be tripping over themselves to see who could stick their foot up the asses of Nigerians the farthest by spewing forth all sorts of 'facts and figures,and I swear Pius Anyim Pius could not fit into my 32 inch screen.
All I could see was an obese and armless Pius saying more crap than a half-crazed Micheal Adebolajo on British T.V.
Apparently,democracy ain't working out too shabbily for Oga Pius.

What I do?

That brings me full circle to the Nigerians involved in  the U.K attacks.
Say what you may,those boys are as Nigerian as the boy that sells me pirated CD's at Ikeja 'Under bridge'.(By the way,Pirated is the name of a rock group,so the boy sells me original copies of Pirated's latest works*straight face*).
If Nigerians can try,as dumb as it seemed at the time,to try an attach some form of Nigerianess on the popular American rapper,Nas,or the British singer ,Taio Cruz because of their names,we might as well accept Michael Adebolajo,knives,meat cleavers and all!
It was a horrific attack.
The poor British soldier,hacked to death like Campos;a particularly spoilt goat my grandmother had in the village many years ago.The goat's favourite meal was Cabin biscuit and Fanta*I swear*

My guy Campos!

But that's a story for another time.
The shock on the streets of England was palpable.That such an horrific attack was taking place on a U.K street and not some far flung animal territory like Somalia or Lagos,shook the the society to its foundation.

Husband,Father,Hero.

The rise in self-radicalized individuals,be it Islamists or Christians,as the Norway mad man,Anders Breivik showed,must be a source of great concern to all reasonable governments worldwide.
Is Internet restriction a possibility?
I dunno?
But something has to be done and soon.
A brief consolation to Nigerians as to be the fact that one out of every five Africans is a Nigerian,so there's always a high statistical chance that when next you see a black man involved in criminality,he just might well be a Nigerian.
Its not a reflection of us as a people.
Its just a matter of numbers.
It also means that when you see a group of Black Governors acting like Orwellian characters,there's also a good chance that they just might be Nigerian.
Cut me up,fillet me and serve me as a tuna sandwich to Micheal Adebolajo but did the Governors and their Oga at the top misbehave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fact that Rotimi Amaechi was booted out office as Chairman of the NGF is not really the story for me but the fact that a video,purportedly shot by the incorrigible Governor of Osun State,Ogbeni Rauf Aregbesola,showing the underhand tactics involved is what seems to be making rounds.
My interest does not lie in the possibility that the elections might have been allegedly rigged(that's been going on  for 14 years).
I'm just wondering and truly hoping,if,just maybe if,the dear Governor of Osun State might have some tips for movie producers in Nigeria.
Who knows,maybe then an end might be in sight for the shitty films been churned out in Nollywood.
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Nigeria's 37th state!

In primary school,there were three things you don't dare come to the assembly ground without knowing;First was your multiplication table a.k.a times table,Second was the national pledge and Third was your states and capital.
Woe betide you and Mr Oshunkoya's koboko,in no particular order I dare say,if you were found wanting in any of these three.
I,as the unbelievably smart kid that I was.............True............ask my mum!
I always found the times table and the national pledge to be a bit of a breeze but states and capitals????Just never could the hang of it.

And I wonder why?

It was a really traumatic period.
Mind you,when I was in primary school Nigeria had just 30 states;it's not these days when every man,his nuclear family,ten cousins and their dogs have a state to themselves.
So I truly have no idea how kids cope with 36 states these days.
Anyway,on one sunny day in the early 90's under the ebelebo tree a.k.a fruit tree a.k.a almond tree(depending on what part of town you stayed) while pretending to do my home work under the not so watchful gaze of my Dad,it hit me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like a bolt out of the blue,I realised that all(well that's what I thought at the time)the northern states had their capitals named after the states.
Not until much later and a good dozen koboko lashes after,did I realise that because the people of Kano,Kaduna and Sokoto and a couple of others were too lazy and unimaginative(I can just visualise the head of the Capital naming committee all those years ago telling the rest "You know what folks?We've been here a good 4hrs,I don't know if you guys have much else to do at home but I've got a new 12 year old bride I'd love to get back to.So can we just wrap this  meeting up and just name the damn capital Kano?Koh!)

Daughter?.........Sister?...............Wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

,the good people of Borno had to be the same.
Maiduguri.
That's the capital of Borno.
That ancient city in the north-east of the country.
The once quiet and beautiful(#eyeofthebeholderthingz) city has now become a killing field where men,women and children have been gunned down and blown up in their hundreds in the last 2years and any semblance of law and order seems to have taken a tumble into Lake Chad.
Until a couple of days back when President Jonathan took the bull by the horn and announced on national T.V,looking all presidential and authoritative,standing tall........................................Hey Jude,was he standing during the address?..........What?...........You're not sure?........You did not bother watching too..................Damn!
Anyways,President Jo did what had become inevitable and declared a state of emergency,giving the military sweeping powers over the security in the state and three others.
It simply means if you as much as stare at a soldier patrolling the streets of Maiduguri with the wrong eyeball,you could be asked to frog-jump from Borno to Niger Republic!

Niggers be keeping their eyes to themselves henceforth!

If you ask me(I'm  guessing you didn't but I'm still gonna tell you anyway),it's the damn right move!
A tad too late but the right move anywhere.
How do you deal with an amorphous organization?
How do you deal with an insurgency that's been allowed to fester for so long?
How do you protect unguarded and unwatched borders?
I'm sure if I knew the answers to these questions I'd be sending this post from my guard post in Maiduguri,Nigerian Army issued Kalashnikov in hand,instead of from my air-conditioned office in Lagos.
Regardless though,a nation has to protect it's territorial integrity and sovereign state by all means and at times at a very high cost.
My thoughts and prayers go to all the men and women in the armed forces.
It's a honourable and unbelievably brave thing to put your life on the line for your country.
Even if it's one like Nigeria!

Rufai?What the el!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm new on twitter you know?
At least actively!
It took me 2years,5 months and a damn whole lot of days to get the hang of why on earth I had to @someone or #something.
But like a true Nigerian,I'd rather die than not be part of the in-thing,no matter how dumb it might seem in retrospect!
That reminds me,do ladies still do the colour block?

Nsukka babes be like 'Baby Oku!'

So,get the hang of it I did!
I've been tweeting away worse than the bats at the Oba of Benin's palace,re-tweeting and replying to every single thing on the twittersphere;plus the ones wey concern and the ones wey no concern  me!
In the course of all these,I developed an interest in two twitter accounts,a certain @elrufai and @PObahiagbon.
They were supposedly kindred spirit!(Less of @PObahiagbon though)
Always taking every opportunity to point out the ills in this government and PDP's governance since 1999.
It was like someone else was relaying my message but to a whole lot more followers.
And I mean a whole lot more!
In fact,it's embarrassing calling mine followers.
It's more like a kindergarten class.
They're few,inattentive and really don't give a hoot what you have to say as long as you don't bother them!
In all honesty,I had a huge gigantic bowl of respect  for @elrufai especially,because I thought it took an incredible amount of courage to be so critical of a government and party that his brother served and defended with so much vigour in the past.
UNTIL.....................................................................................I  actually took out time to read @elrufai's bio.
I was so surprised,you could have shot me through my gaping mouth and I still would not die.
In fact,you could have dressed me in a gown,wear me a pink ribbon and offer me as a peace offering to @BokoHaram and I still would not flinch.
(Lets not get ahead of ourselves now folks!)
But still,finding out that @elrufai was one and the same with the same named politician;former this and that in the OBJ administration and ex-kingpin,king maker and as the the Nigerian press like to describe it 'part of the top echelon of the PDP'
An active actor in this maddening play we call democracy!
A man with all sorts of cases still pending from his time in government in Nigerian courts,they could name the road to the Supreme Court after him.

Rufai dey oh!

It's true that Uncle Jonah's government carries the day in sheer non-performance.
Infact if there were an Olympics for failed governments,there would be a statue of Uncle Jonah doing the Usain Bolt pose in front of Aso Rock by now.


I'm sure you folks were really not expecting a picture

But folks like @elrufai cannot turn back and act like innocents in this madness!You can't be one of the labourers  that mounted a shaky foundation and then blame the imminent collapse of a building on a poor coat of paint.(By the way,saw a pink house with a yellow roof somewhere in Lekki Phase1.Hideous,just hideous)
As for @PObahiagbon,a degenerate rabble rousing ex-legislator who spews forth hokum,all in the frantic effort to garner a plethora of followers.
In simple words,a guy so full of B.S,you can smell it when he passes by.
I can't remember one meaningful thing he did while still being  a member of the Nigerian House of Representatives.
Not one meaningful bill pushed through by @PObahiagbon.
Infact,in true @PObahiagbon spirit,not one meaningful thing said!
Nigeria needs men to stand up and speak the truth to this government.
But not these fellows!

twitterati!

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Not in Boston!

Growing up,I always wished for a brother closer to my age.
Someone I could go play soccer with,fight with and chase girls with as we grew older.
But with the random nature with which family members are allocated and apparently presidents are chosen for countries,I could have ended up with the short end of the straw like Nigeria has with its president and gotten one of the Tsarnaev brothers as a growing up buddy!
The only difference would obviously be that we'd probably still be having lunch at the closest KFC,sipping on an ice cold fruity slush while watching President Jo on NTA Network telling Nigerians to accept that 'terrorism is a global phenomenom and we should live with it"
Not in America though!
At exactly 1.49a.m Saturday morning,Nigeria time,with the help of Jack Bauer and his team at CTU (don't you go telling me they don't exist,),the siege was over.

Jack Bauer briefing President Obama.

One hostage dead,the other captured.
It was a prime example of ridiculously efficient police work.
Prompt response,precise intelligence and effective weaponry;I apologise on behalf of myself and all those who have ever doubted every episode of CSI we've  watched;even the rubbish CSI Miami.
By the way,are you one of those who have been kept awake in the last day or so wondering what lessons our dear Nigeria Police Force(less) can learn from the Boston episode?
I'll tell u six simple words.........Move along dear,.no lessons here.
I'm really not a Nigeria basher (I am to be honest) and I don't criticize things simply because they are Nigerian (I really don't) but our crime to resolution ratio must be something like 10000:1;in fact Omotola a.k.a Omosexy(time you changed that name sister,you're no spring chicken)has a better chance of passing off as a credible musician than our police has of solving a crime.

And we wonder why?????????

Don't get me wrong,if our police catch you red handed at the scene of a crime,they'll deal with you and fuck you up faster than you can say Amnesty!
But if you,my good readers or possible criminals-in-the-making,commits a crime in this great country of ours on Street A and luckily escape to your house on Street B less than two minutes walk from the crime scene,believe me,before man,God and President Jo's bowler hat,you're as free as a Tontoh Dike C.D!
Pardon me................ but someone just whispered in my ear that people actually pay money for her music!
Hard to believe but apparently true!
The Boston incident clearly demonstrates what a country can achieve with a strong and determined leadership.
When President Obama gave the speech in Boston the day before the Tsarnaevs were apprehended,pride welled in me as I saw a fellow black man rise up to the challenge.
His battle cry "Not in Boston" still rings in my ear as I recall another fellow black man telling me to "learn to live with terrorism because it is a global phenomenon".
Anyway,is it just me or the folks on CNN really need to get a life!
Bad news is obviously good news for business!
Such is life!

Countries of P.A.I.N!

Like every good and hardworking gossip knows,bad news travels faster than an Arik jet;would have loved to say Aero;but you know how they are these days,flight delays,cancellations,..........I love you guys at Aero but we don't really want bad news getting stranded now,do we?


AERO CONTRACTOR.........'We'll get there when we can!'

Anyhoo,I'm guessing it did not take Ted Turner,founder and previous CEO of CNN,too long to figure out that simple logic.
Growing up,the news always seemed to be centred around countries like Somalia,Ethiopia,the USSR and Czechoslovakia(little wonder the country split!Must have been a pain in the ass and then some,filling your nationality on a visa application).
 And this went on for a while!
But as development and peace came to these  countries,they got mentioned less.
These days,when the striking blonde bombshell of a newscaster starts the day's headlines with lines like "A bomb went off in a crowded market killing 48 people" or "Cholera spreads through a remote village taking with it  400 lives" or "Politician builds multi-billion currency church or mosque in his village",you can quietly take an educated or a not so educated guess(if you attended any of these private universities with  6 classrooms and a dining hall) as to which countries this might have happened.
I call them the countries of PAIN;Pakistan.Afghanistan,Iraq and Nigeria.
These countries seem to have taken the art of inflicting the greatest amount of suffering on their citizens to another level!
I can only  guess that they their leaders have an Annual General Meeting of sorts,where they meet,network and exchange ideas on what's new in "Suffering the masses".
I can imagine a certain bowler  hat wearing president in attendance,muttering to himself silently in a corner,wondering why he has not been elected chairman of this group.
"Has anyone of them done more to inflict pain on his own people?
 "Ehn?"
"Do they have more unemployed people roaming on unpaved streets as I do?"
"Can any of them boast of having more uneducated and undereducated youth,with university degrees worth less than a Kim Kardashian tweet?"
It baffles  me to no end how Nigeria got  mixed up with this unwholesome bunch!
How did Nigeria turn from a country aptly dubbed the Giant of Africa,with unbelievable human and mineral resources and boundless potential to playmates of such a vile group?;then again,how did Tiger Woods plummet from an adored spoting hero to the whore mongering delinquent that he is viewed as today?
Some things we'll never understand!
I just pray that in the next 50 years,we will have developed the magic formula to steady supply of electricity,so that our grandkids can eventually develop our economy.
That in 50 years,we will have evolved to understand that bombs don't advance causes.
 And that in 50years,most importantly,we will have eventually come to the conclusion that bowler hats went out of fashion at least a 100 years prior!

Sir Edward Whats-His-Name.Voted most dapper gentleman in1802.

P.S:"9 health workers shot during a vaccination drive in a remote village in............." You can put any country of the 4,you wouldn't be far from the correct one.