Lets face(book) it!

I don't know about you ladies but if a 33 year old guy I meet on Black Berry Messenger tells me he's still an undergraduate,I'll tend to find that a bit creepy!
But hey,what do I know?

Why you backing the cameras boys?Thought you'd be proud!

Took me a while to write on this story.The intricacies,the emotions and the callousness of it all was almost to much for me to bear at times.
Almost too much!
So,I decided to take my time and for once truly do an in-depth research into the facts of the matter.
The whys,the whens and hows.
Hmmmmmmmmmm!
Well,that effort took a whole glorious 20 minutes!

I guess they call them researchers for a reason!

So,I,m just gonna go all out and call a spade by its family name and not an earth moving farming implement!
Social media does no good!
Its not gonna cure Malaria or HIV.
Its not gonna bring world peace.
And it sure as hell not gonna put food on your table.Except you're Mark Zucker-can't spell his name.

Hope you ladies know I'm really the one making him rich*wink wink*

 Miss Cynthia's case tore my heart out,still does.
A young lady shouldn't have to lose her life to two  horny little beasts like she did.
But tucked within  the bowels of emotions involved in this story lies a pertinent question.
At what point did it become safe to meet up with a complete Black Berry Messenger stranger in a secluded hotel room in a dodgy part of town?
I must have missed the answer on the news!
Call me a jealous,washed out old man,who wishes he could get his youth back,but too much gets shared on the world wide web(Yeah,that's what we oldies still call it!) these days.

WhatsApp!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies posting pictures with their neck almost bent backwards;cant you just take a picture standing straight,for Pete's sake.
Guys updating statuses like "Guess what I had for lunch?"
I'm like............I'm guessing nothing!.Cos that's the way you look,brah!
Social media might have its pluses.
I remember the first time I logged unto facebook,I was blown away!
Seeing the then pretty young girls I went to high school with(who never knew I existed),all looking fat,stressed and ugly was joy become solid.
Chatting up with old friends,making contacts,networking.It was good for a while.
But its all gone sideways now;like Gala,that used to be good too!
The best fun to be had on social media is with friends.Known friends.
But if life and events throws up a particularly intriguing character who you deem fit to accept as a friend,always think with your head,not your heart and most definitely not your jolly machines!
P.S:apparently,i still did not say much on the case.Who am I to judge anyone?Lets live that to the Nigerian Police*ROTFLMAO*

Bolt from the blue!

It's a bird...it's a plane.....it's Facrook Lawan running from the law.............No.....it's Usain Bolt!!!

This was the race the Olympics was made for!
The estimated 11 billion pounds spent on organizing the London Olympics was all geared towards this day and this race.
Eight ridiculously fast(and ridiculously muscled,I must say) men,grinning from ear to ear,all engaging in different forms of theatrics and swagger-do as their names were announced round the stadium.
Waiting eagerly for the starting gun to go off.
The cameras slowly panned from athlete to athlete.
Somewhere in Lane 4 or thereabout was the new kid on the block,Yohann Blake,the prince,about to be king.This was the day many had predicted he was going to take centre stage.
But then,two lanes away(I'm intentionally skipping the inconsequential American athlete between them) was the King himself,looking more self assured and confident than a Nigerian politician looting the treasury!
All smiles,all confidence,all swagger.
My heart pounded with anticipation.Not because there was a Nigerian athlete in the race;I'm guessing the Nigerian participants have since escaped from the Olympics Village and crossed the border into Scotland or Ireland or whatever land that is sure better than home,never to be seen again;

You go boy!!!

 but because the whole world loves a winner and I'll be damned if ain't part of the world!
My mind quickly flashed back to last year in Daegu,South Korea,when Usain Bolt was disqualified from the finals of the 100meteres because of a false start.
Fingers crossed!
No such drama this time!
A usual slow start was followed by that incredible surge we've all grown accustomed to enjoying.
Long legs pumping ahead akwardly.
Head;big,black and balding like a Badagry cocunut,swaying in the wind.
He ran past the rest like someone had announced the race had stopped to his competitors.
This was the fastest 100metres final in Olympic history.7 of the 8 men ran under 10secs;an incredible achievement.
It was indeed a race of champions.
I breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction!
Happy,from celebrating another man's glorious moment with him;SMH.
Lightening does strike twice on one spot.
The Olympics just got it's second bolt.
P.S:If anyone sees Blessing Okagbare for me,kindly thank her for wasting 11 seconds of my life!

The whole world hates a loser.Especially one that comes last!

The Chinese are here!

This could definitely not have been the plan!
I can just imagine the founding fathers of our once great nation on their lofty chairs in heaven,hands in head,shaking in sheer horror as little dwarfish China men run around the streets of Lagos.
I doubt if there's a single Lagos resident who does not have an encounter with those slanty,beady eyed folks at least once a day.
Be they construction workers,Chinese restaurant owners,Tech company entrepreneurs,market men and women(check out the China town in Ojota,Lagos,them Chinese be selling tomato and pepper these days) or just your plain good for nothing lay-about.
There's an epidemic upon us and its made in China!
The first trickle of Chinese into Nigeria began about 10 years ago,at the tail end of the first term of  President OBJ's tenure.They were brought in to help with infrastructure development;roads,electricity,stadia,water works;not like they've done much now,have they?

Typical Nigerian Highway before the Chinese

After the Chinese.Spot the difference.The tyre looks smaller though!

And to be fair,it was not just a Nigerian idea.It was an African conception at the time.
Zambia,Uganda and Malawi all had their influx of the yellow people.
To also be fair to the Chinese community in Nigeria,they have also been a hell of a lot more docile,at least sexually,compared to their counterparts in other African countries.
The Chinese in Zambia!!!
Horny little critters!!
In less than a year of staying in Zambia,they were already fathering kids with the local women.
Chinese-Zambians!!!!!!!!!
Its not like the Zambians don't already have an ugly epidemic to contend with in the first place!
The economics of it seemed good at the time.At least our current crop of political leaders got this one right.
After spending the better part of 50 years under-educating and under-developing their own youth,they realised they had mechanical engineering graduates who couldn't spell engineering,talk more of building a bridge.
It just made absolute sense to endorse the mass importation of educated China kids to fill the technological gap.
The plan must have been to bring the workers in to serve under a Nigerian head but they forget or at least are ignorant of the fact that the China man serves nobody;a fact they would have known if only they had watched those goddamn Chinese films of the late 80's;wa sere Bruce Lee toh quality!

They have steadily grown in influence,from being the ones doing the dirt work to being fully in charge!
My first encounter with a Chinese restaurant was about 10 years ago in Benin City.It was then owned by a Nigerian who employed Chinese folks to do the cooking and menial work around the establishment.
The chef was a sly looking China man who spoke better pidgin English than i could possibly ever muster;after the meal got delayed for about 10 minutes,he came over to the table and his exact words were ''Guy,how far?Abeg no vex,the food go soon done"
That scared the shit out of me and should have been a pointer to the fact,even back then,that these Chinese were not here for jokes.
To be frank(I've never come to terms with why 'frank' was chosen,why not Steve or Charles),with the way things are being run in Africa as a whole,I wouldn't mind if we were recolonized by the Europeans or maybe even the South Africans;the white ones at least;but to be oppressed by Mr Wu Di Fuhk and his wife Mrs Wu Shi Be,its just to much for my oft stepped upon black pride.
So,as I sit in traffic,typing this post om my Ipad 3(more like a Techno 2580) while waiting for the Chinese traffic warden on Awolowo Way Ikeja to pass me.

I really don't care if you think I made this up!

 
I look up to the sky`and tell those wailing ex-presidents to weep no more for Nigeria and to respectfully relay same message via SMS to Gen Zanni Abalcha in hell!

Adam in the Garden of Edo!

First of,the name is Adam not Adams;its a first name Your Excellency!
Just had to get that off my chest!
The elections in Edo have come and gone.
After months of campaign,name smearing,threats ,counter threats and assassinations,Governor Adams(you've got to call a man whatever he calls himself)Oshiomole was returned unanimously in an embarrassingly one sided contest to the Government House Benin City.
His work and achievements spoke as loud and clear as a coherently incoherent Kris Okotie sermon.
Tales abound in the media of the wondrous things the Comrade Governor was doing the Land of the Oba.
Roads built,schools built and upgraded,hospitals renovated and equipped.The peoples money working for the people and not used for grooming moustaches.

Did this moustache not hint the Edo people?

Oshiomole is a man short in stature but extremely large of heart.
But Gov. Adam might have had his work simplified for him by the charlatans in power before him.
If all he had done in the four years of his first term was to plant one hibiscus flower at the entrance to the state,he would still have been branded a hero and overachiever by the people.
Such was the ineptitude of the Lucky Igbinedion(the previous governor)Administration!
People still say in Benin City,that if all Lucky had done in his 8 years was to come out every morning and dance for them in the village square,the effort would have been appreciated.

GO LUCKY!GO LUCKY!!GO LUCKY!!!

Instead,all they got was 8 years of stagnation,poverty and dilapidated roads.
It is on record that not one road was built in Benin City,except those leading to his and his father's of course, in those locust years.
But today is not about the past and what the locust has eaten.
Its about the present and the future.
Its about a man who has successfully combined leadership with serving.
A man who has brought back pride to a people.
When Edo State is mentioned now,the talk is more about development and less about deported  workers *wink wink*

You couldn't have been this shy on the streets of Milan!

No one man can change the system or Nigeria but Adams Oshiomole would rather be damned than not try.

Nothing is Permanent!

Nothing surprises me in Nigeria anymore.
Absolutely nothing.
Maybe,just maybe,if I see a flying goat driving a truck with blindfolds on the streets of Lagos.Then I might be surprised.
But only with blindfolds oh!
Anything less?
Nah!
Not surprising enough.

You gotta do better lad!

When the newspapers splashed the news about the Bayelsa State Government led by the Excellent Seriake Dickson;if you're gonna refer to a man as Your Excellency,you might as well call him excellent,right?;had made Madam First Lady a permanent secretary in its civil service,I took it with the proverbial pinch of salt.(I've been taking so many pinches in Nigeria of late that Dangote must be making a killing!)
I just turned the page and moved on to the frankly,rather more amusing advertisement on 'Are you a man?Can you conquer your wife in 4 rounds in a night?

Hmmmmmmmm!

'
Not even the outrage expressed by well meaning Nigerians over the Governor's decision stoked my interest.
For me,it was business as usual in the land of the mad!
But the madness took a different and honestly frightening turn when the aides and advisers to the Excellent Seriake Dickson were hell bent on justifying his action with some ludicrous statements on how her equally Excellent Madam First Lady was deserving of such title.
First of,this MADNESS HAS GOT TO STOP!
We honestly don't know if its her constitutional and hence legal right to be so honoured, and we frankly don't care.
It just does not sound right and it sure as hell ain't.
What has kept Nigeria ticking in the eyes of the outside world is their belief that some of the craziness that our leaders exhibit might just be a uniquely Nigerian way of doing things.
But this,my dear Ijaw people,is just plain 'tie him down with a chain' 'whip him till his senses return' madness!
And we don't want that now,do we?

Noah,The Ark and Lagos!

It was a slow month,that June.
Nothing exciting or remotely pulse-racingly cool happened in Nigeria.
Just your usual church bombings,multiple road accidents,thieving politicians,an hostage here,a kidnapping there.Give or take your usual Nigerian month.
What we did not bargain for though,was the rain.
Fook me,but did it rain like the tears from General Oladipo Diya's eyes when Abacha sentenced him to death back in the day.
By the way,I've been having a cat problem in my house this past weeks,dont know if its my neighbour's cats jumping over the fence to feed on my predictably rich dustbin or if it really did rain cats for once!

Dustbin wey make sense!

As usual,the rains fell and Lagos streets went to shit.Impassable waterways only meant for the Land Rover 2029 model,The Flying Rover.

I'm guessing he couldn't wait till 2029

I've never really understood the rationale behind building roads without making gutters;I've never really understood much of many other things either;but I can safely assume that our leaders must have missed the class on common sense.Why bother when you've achieved the required 75% attendance from making the classes on 'Embezzlement' and 'Acquired Idiocy'.
Admittedly though,the Babatunde 'I wish I was a doctor,that's why I like fooking them up' Fashola administration has made some improvements on that.
Roads are now been built with gutters that lead to no where.
A gutter should lead to other gutters that invariably link to a central canal or a water treatment facility.
In Lagos,the gutters lead right back on the road or on a poor house owner's property!

The poor house owner we spoke about.

I'm guessing the class must have clashed with Asiwaju's birthday.

Some things you miss,some things you dont!

And did Nepa have a blast!
It was like Christmas in June for them.
When I was younger,the lights only go off when the rain threatens to become a storm but these days,once there's a weather forecast with the possibility of rain the day before,Nepa takes the power a day before just to be safe.
And that takes me to the issue of weather forecasting;I honestly doubt if it's an actual science.I'm guessing it lies somewhere in between understanding women and mobile networks in Nigeria;YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
I believe the news channels just pick the ugliest staff member and stick him/her with the weather detail.
I'll give a couple of Faroukas for anyone to tell me what the hell "slight precipitation with some winds and the possibility of sunshine" means?

Is it gonna rain or is the Sun gonna shine Ma?

Anyways,for those living in the Aguda,Surulere,Mile2,Lekki axis,I say keep your head up,that's if the head is still above water though.One day,we'll get a leader that had nothing better to do and finally attend the class on common sense.

Fa-Crook Lawan!

When the issue of the bribe scandal involving the Nigerian House of Representatives first came to light,my initial reaction was one of genuine disinterest.I had long grouped all of them under the same umbrella;rouges!

Miss?Can you identify the man that attacked you?They all look the same Officer!

But when the name of the individual allegedly involved came to the fore,I had to pause for breath!
You mean the skinny dude that talks like he's constipated all the time?Yep!My friend said.
Apparently,we all know why he seems to sound constipated always.Must be all the bribes he has allegedly been chowing on!Greedy little imp!
But unlike other Nigerians who have been quick to judge and disparage his character;including you;yep;you;who your father was made the assistant deputy aide to the special adviser to the special adviser of someone in government and all of a sudden you and your siblings are living it up like its the year 2060!
I,good old objective me,have decided to study the situation closely a.k.a sit on the fence.

Yep!That's me.

Not your typical European or American fence meant to just demarcate your property from your neighbours and also keep his randy teenage son from devouring your innocent daughter(yeah right),but a good old-fashioned Nigerian wall that's meant to keep out everything from your neighbour's goat to pesky family members,burglars,armed robbers,assassins and the occasional crashing plane!
Claims and counterclaims have been flying about in this rapidly evolving soap opera;Mr oil magnate claims to have laid the trap,Hon. Fa-Crook says otherwise.
The Nigerian Police has obviously taken sides with the oil importer;what's that saying about 'Na where man dey work man must chop'?
His fellow House of Reps members have decided to join me on the fence and save their own necks;this fence is getting a bit crowded fellas.Hon. Tambauwal,do you mind adjusting a bit?Thank you!
And the presidency......well..........they set this whole production rolling in the first place!The public agitation for the implementation of the subsidy probe report was getting a bit discomforting for Dr Jonah and his crew and a distraction was urgently needed.
And y'all said the brother be slow!Who the tortoise now,fooooooooooools!
I'm yet to see the said video but I'm told there's a part where he had to stuff some of the dollars in his cap because his agbada pockets could no longer hold the obscene loot!
I've always wondered why Hausa folks favoured those longs caps?

Its safe to say this dude ain't going the cashless route anytime soon.

Apparently,now we allegedly know!