2012!

You can't trust people with anything these days.
Not even an end of the world prediction.
I really did think the world was gonna end on the 21st!
Really did.
Bloody Mayans!
You should have seen the big grin on my face when I told my mechanic on the 20th that I'd have to get back to him with the payment for my car repairs the next day.
21st passed and 22nd came and I woke up to yet another unbelievably hot day in Lagos.
Not one person had been lost to the supposed doomsday.
Least of all my mechanic!
Aside from doomsday prophecies and maniacs shooting babies in American schools,I had promised myself a month's break from writing on this blog.
It was getting a bit tiresome.
I was starting to sound like a wizkid song.
Its all cozy and nice but if truth be told,if you've heard one,you might as well not bother listening to the rest.

Dance for me baby oh eh.............Errrrrrrm..........you know what bro?Is that line from your 'I love my baby' track?.........No?............Sorry!My BAD!

AND I KEPT MY WORD!
Even when petrol was becoming scarcer than a honest Nigerian policeman,I stayed quiet.
Even when some folks bombed the Nigerian Army college,the pride of our military force,a supposed fortress,I kept quiet.
Even when a Nigerian Navy helicopter was used to transport guests for an owambe party by one of our Oga pata-pata's aides and this gallant bird of the skies later crashed,taking along with it one of the finer and honourable members of this political class,I kept quiet.
Even when my brothers from the East refused to travel to the village for the Yuletide because money no dey,I still kept quiet.
But when I woke up this morning and saw the headline of how a Chinese owned warehouse stockpiled with Afghanistan/Baghdad/Maiduguri grade fire works had caught fire and caused absolute mayhem in the middle of downtown Lagos,I knew enough was enough.
How can anyone in his/her right mind keep such an arsenal in a densely populated area?.
Never did trust the Chinese,always squinting like there was a one Naira coin up their ass!
You can't just close your eyes for a second and assume the bad news would just miraculously stop in this great country of ours.
2012 has been especially gruesome for this country.
We have killed our children and fattened our politicians.
Too many mass graves.....Too many ill-equipped hospitals..........Too many explosions in a once quiet land.
But it's not been all bad.
We've had good,even great moments as a country this year.
I just can't remember any!

The Jetsons

Anyone above the age of 25 with access to cable T.V back in the day;either in the comfort of your living room or the comfort of your neighbour's living room(there's nothing wrong with that bro,nothing at all) should be familiar with the Jetsons.
That uber-weird family that lived in the age of space technology with everyone zipping through the skies in their own space shuttles.
I vividly remember mumbling the scientific and logistical impracticability of that ever happening at any time in our existence to my host and then best friend.
I can also remember with disgust when my friend muttered something stupid in reply about how his dad was gonna buy him his own Jetsons space shuttle.
Yeah we were 5 but I still found him pretty dumb even for his age.
Fast forward many years and happenings in modern day Nigeria could darn well prove my childhood buddy right.
The allure of acquiring private jets seems to be the in-thing. It has slowly crept from being the exclusive preserve of the rich and powerful and has slowly but surely found its way into our churches,like everything from miniskirts,braids for men and the I-pad Bible app!(Dont you just hate when people keep tappng on those things during service)
There's absolutely nothing wrong with a successful man or woman acquiring an aeroplane to ease movement in a country like Nigeria where commercial air travel can become a nightmare.
Where airlines like Aero can turn a 10a.m flight to an 11.45p.m slug fest,with people practically throwing punches to access overbooked seats.
Rumour has it that people once stood on a Lagos-Abuja flight;God forbid that one of the Pastor Krises  be caught dead doing 'attachment' on a flight.
As I said there's nothing wrong in theory with Men of God getting the very best out of life. Nothing at all.
But that,my friends,fans,lover's and well-wishers,is theory! And as we all know,not every theory is founded on logic.
Just ask Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon and his theory of economic Wagba-joism.
In principle,it just does not sit well with me. The reported flying machine is said to worth in the region of 5 million US dollars.

Or did they win it here!!!!!!!!

A tidy sum in a poverty ravaged country like ours.
Less than half of that sum would conveniently take care of the basic educational needs of every single child in these churches.
It would set up widows in small businesses.
It would change thousands of the brethren lives.
Is that not what Jesus would really want?
But then what do I know!
It's not like I'll recognise a Bombardier jet if one crawled down to my height and spat aviation fuel in my face!
P.S:Any news on the Taraba State Governor who crashed the State's *wink wink* private jet while allegedly flying it himself.
Hope the plane feels much better?

Biko,Bring Back Bike!

First of,stop the silliness!
Most of us take or have taken bikes at a point in our lives.
So,you can get that haughty 'I've never taken an Oh-ka-dar in my life' look off your face.

I'm sure that's you in the middle.

Phew!Nice to deal with that elephant in the room straight away.
Last week marked a watershed in the lives of Lagosians with the banning of commercial motorcycles popularly known as 'Okada' on the city's highways.
It was something the people had canvassed for years.
And so many facts support the ban.
1)The high accident rates with its attendant high death and injury rates.
2)The security challenge associated with the uncontrollable influx of aliens a.k.a Aboki into the city.
It's a free country but the rate at which Lagos has been invaded is nothing short of alarming.
Blast me,but there's an Aboki bike rider for every tree in Lagos.
So,the Lagos state government in it's wisdom and in support of the previous yearnings of millions of Lagosians,introduced wide and far reaching restrictions on  Okada activity.
And boy were the repercussions unexpected!
Bus queues longer than Lady Dame Jonathan's entourage to Germany for her 'period of rest' *wink wink*
People quarrelling and fighting for space on the few available buses.

Queue to nowhere

It was a return to the days of yore.
Even the Israelites crossing the parted Red Sea could not have been more chaotic than the scenes witnessed in Lagos last week(I can just imagine the last guy on the queue crossing the Red Sea.Nigger be pushing everyone in front of him frantically.Poor sod!)
And that was just the first day!
The second day was hell on earth,with probably the worst traffic gridlock the city had ever witnessed.
There's this particular guy with an Honda 'something something' that I always seem to meet on V.I roads.The brother always speeds past me in my jalopy like my car was moving backwards.
Met the guy in traffic on said day and I kept making funny faces at him.
I'm like 'cat got your wheels?'
Mscheeww!
So we're caught between the proverbial Devil and the deep blue Oniru beach.
Does the government keep the restrictions in place and maintain sanity on our roads at the expense of the suffering masses or does it lift the sanctions and keep filling our orthopaedic wards and mortuaries at our hospital.
Does it keep exposing it's citizens to the Aboki bike rider who doesn't seem to fully comprehend the fact that because there's a slight gap between two trailers does not necessarily mean he has to pass through that gap or better still under the trailer!

Once had an Aboki drive me like this from CMS to Yaba.I swear! *straight face*

I'm all in support of the Lagos State government plan but when a government(at all levels) has failed in the provision of cheap,decent and readily available public transportation,this is what you'll get.
My final word is,21st century Lagos does not have a bus system.
21st century Lagos does not have a rail system.
21st century Lagos does not have a ferry system.
But 21st century Lagos has a functional if chaotic Okada system.
And has my father used to say,'A bird in hand is worth two dancing Azonto in the bush'

The Devil was there!

That's the only sensible explanation I've been able to come up with.
The devil was there,complete with his baseball cap and cool wayfarer sunglasses,conducting affairs.
Like a puppet master at his peak,pulling the strings,orchestrating the mayhem,feeding the madness.
Because I can't for the life of me imagine how a reasonable people,with a head,heart and conscience would club four(4) young men to an early death,for any reason short of murder.
Not even murder justifies the brutality that took place in Aluu.
I haven't been able to bring myself to watch that video.
No one should,in all honestly!
I've seen the pictures though!
And unlike a certain picture of our commander-in-chief that has been circulating on the Internet recently,

Really!I mean dude,really!!!!!!

the pictures of the Aluu4 was as vile in it's bestiality as that of GEJ was vile in it's pretentiousness.
Four(4) young,good looking,well fed men hacked down by a rag-tag army of dishevelled,worn out villagers.
This was a prime case of the poor lashing out.
Somewhere in the darkest recesses of my mind,I can almost understand when one or two dare devil,murdering armed bandits are captured and lynched.
But those four kids????
I just don't get it!
Did they club them to death in turns?
Or did they just bunch them together at once and clubbed them all?
It takes a lot of mean spirited will power to commit such a heinous crime!
Poverty?
Maybe.
Illiteracy?
Maybe.
But nothing justifies the madness.
Does a supposedly stolen blackberry phone or laptop equate four young lives?
I'm not sure it even equates a plate of goat head pepper soup in a decent Lagos 5-star hotel!
We'll get the usual talk from the police,the usual arrest of innocents and the eventual sweeping of the case under the carpet.
This is a case beyond the police.
Maybe even beyond the devil,the orchestrator.
I can just imagine the devil packing up his bags after the second lad was killed and leaving in a hurry,shaking his head and wondering where God got these Nigerians from!

The world in New York!

The UN general assembly is here again.,
And no,Lateef,UN does not stand for Unlimited Nightcalls,it's the United Nations.

The hall of kings.

That gathering of world leaders;from the greatest to the smallest,from pacifist nations to downright terrorist regimes;everyone is given a stage to air his/her views and opinions,no matter how dumb or downright scary.

Was surely missed this year!

President GEJ was there of course.
A raging fuel scarcity and the near total submersion of Kogi,Benue and Niger states by the maurauding River Benue was frankly not important enough to keep him home(By the way,shout out to my peeps in those states who are not only fighting the flood water but the infestation of their villages by crocodiles also displaced.)

Moses would have been nice about this time!

Anyways,GEJ,complete with his bowler hat and half the political class in Nigeria,addressed the General Assembly on the second day of affairs.
It was a speech as uninspiring as it was unlistened to.
Never have I seen so many empty seats at a public gathering since I last attended an Iyanya concert.Well........that was before Kukere and everybody's now acting like he's the second coming of Michael Jackson!
It was obvious the world had no interest in what GEJ had to say and in extension,what Nigeria had to say.
Frankly I'm surprised they even let us in,considering we tried to bomb the skin off their bodies about a year ago.

Yeah,that was us!

Thirteen years ago,when President OBJ gave his first address to the UN,as president of a newly democratic Nigeria,the hall was packed full.
Not because they thought more of OBJ as a person;honestly,they did actually;but because the world was expectant,waiting to hear from this giant black nation about to fufil all it's great potential.
But as President GEJ addressed a near empty hall,it was obvious the world had written us off.
It's like buying a Dbanj CD,you know you're going to get a lot of incoherent grunting,yelps and sex references,it sounds good occasionally but you know you've heard it all before.
Take heart my dear Presido,they dont really hate you.They just dont care for you and for us much.
The highlights for me so far as to be the speech given by the Egyptian prsident(President something-somebody Morsi).I sure as hell wouldnt want to jam that brother in a dark corner.
You could see the passion dripping from his words and firing from his eyes.
Another was the speech given by Julian Assange,founder of WikiLeaks.Wanted in Sweden on allegations of sexual assault and rape.
I'm not one to comment on alleged matters but that blond hair and long nose................show me a baby goat and I'll show you a perv when I see one.
Anyhoo,the assembly is almost over,if by any chance you're of the nerdy persuasion like myself,make out sometime to watch bits and pieces of it.
And if you're not,still try to spare a few seconds from staring at Kim Kardashians boobs and see what's really going on in the world.

I know it's gonna be hard but try!

Money,the root of all evil!(Dance,anyone?)

When the famous Urhobo philosopher Aristiotle Ejiroghene Umokoro first uttered those now famous words,all those many years ago,little did he know how true it was.And he sure as hell did not figure the reality show,Maltina Dance Hall or All or whatever!
This show clearly proves that money is the root,stem and effing flower of all evil known to man.Or how do you explain the sheer absurdities being allowed to play on!
6 million naira is indeed a tidy sum.In any damn currency mind you;that's 22900.763pounds or $36585.366 ;that's my Nigerian calculator brain working,its just something we do on reflex.
But slap me and hang me by the gonads,I'd be damned if I let my old man make an eternal fool of himself on prime time TV.
For those who don't know,the Maltina DanceAll or Hall,is a reality dance show based on the entire family.The show is in its sixth and hopefully last season and this season'sparticipants have been up there with the very worst of them.
Fathers doing the break dance,mothers doing the swerve!
I initially found it amusing,the entertainment value cannot be denied.

Yeah Dad!Do the rowing boat style!

As I found myself laughing uncontrollably at attempt after attempt by breadwinners and supposed guardians and protectors of their homestead try their utmost best to out fool each other.
Advocates of the show tell me it helps with family bonding.
Enlisting the family,head on,into achieving a common goal is said to help in solidifying the bond in a family unit.
Now that's bonkers if I've ever heard it!
A family getaway to the magical and exotic island of the Seychelles or a quiet evening stroll as a family down the Champ De Mars gazing upon the Eiffel Tower in Paris would achieve the same damn effect.
My final word is,parents don't do the Azonto with their decadent 19 year old son because they are in the least bit interested in finding out whats going on in his weed infested brain,not in Nigeria anyways.
My simple advice?
Make sure you win!
Or you get a pair of the darkest shades you can lay your hands on.
Because it's going to be pretty difficult looking those kids in the eyes after watching you cork your head back,raise one leg up and act like a bloody Calabar Drill monkey in the name of doing the Alanta!

The powerless Minister of power!

So,I wake up first thing in the morning,stretch my old bones,stagger half asleep to the light switch,and automatically expect the light bulb to illuminate the room.
And it does!
Its been that way for about 2 months now and it's frankly starting to freak me out.
And no I'm not in Togo(using the U.K and U.S would be too far fetched,I'm sure when they put on the light switch in those countries,they get power plus a pack of pizza).
I'm in Lagos!
And no,not Lagos,Portugal.
Lagos,Nigeria.
That beautiful exotic city by the beach.
And no,not Kuramo beach.
That now washed away haven of iniquity,that was always full and bustling at night but everyone now conveniently swears they were never there.
We finally seem to be going through our own 'Let there be light' moment,millions of years after the creator uttered those famous words.
Do I now go out of character and praise our good and gentle president?I honestly don't know?It's just so easy criticizing him and not to mention so much fun,its almost sad!

I know right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!It can't always be your fault!

Reciting all the failed sectors under his watch would frankly be a waste of ten seconds of your life you would never get back.
But,just when all hope was lost and Nigerians had come together and agreed in fairness to just write off 2011-2015  from our history(yeah we did,you just weren't invited#inconsequential),this major miracle happened.
I hear its been due to President Goodluck Jonathan finally putting the proverbial round peg in a hole that fits it perfectly.

Now,that's one round peg!

Prof Barth Nnaji,the previous minister of power,may his soul rest in.........oh shit,I forgot,he didn't die!
Just resigned.
Nobody resigns in office dude!
You either die there or go to prison from there.
Prof Nnaji,a proven technocrat with wide and varied experience in the power sector was as round as the peg could possibly be.
And boy did he deliver!
But like everything Nigerian,the bad eggs just couldn't keep their rotten smell to themselves.They had to just come funk up everyone else's space.
His apparent downfall came from his insistence on the privatisation of the power sector.
A lofty goal indeed but for thousands of existing PHCN staff,that would surely mean a window shopping trip to the labour market(now,that's one market where you dont buy nada!).
I'm sure no right thinking private investor would touch that bunch with a Nepa pole;no pun intended.
The only folks more corrupt and inefficient than the good people at PHCN are the Nigerian Police,the Nigerian Customs,The Nigerian Immigration service,The Nigerian...........Well........Nigeria sha!
Inefficiency and a culture of bribes has run deeper into the system than a pair of Usain Bolt's running tracks .
And a total shakeup was urgently needed.
The actual meat around the bone of the matter is still shrouded in secrecy but rumour has it that the former number one man in the power sector allegedly had a stake in some of the private companies biding for a controlling share in PHCN.
If that is in anyway true,then my dear Mr Nnaji,you got it all wrong.
These things are done through proxies,mehn!!!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately for him,the generator importing and diesel selling cabal,the group most likely to lose the most with improved electricity,smelt blood and quickly went in for the kill and the rest as they say,is history.

I have it on good authority that this gentleman is the head of the now popular Nigerian cabal.

Its being about a week since you resigned Dear Prof and my light bulb still comes on,but that not withstanding,you shall be greatly missed.
Prof Barth Nnaji,rest in...............oh shit,I did it again!

Lets face(book) it!

I don't know about you ladies but if a 33 year old guy I meet on Black Berry Messenger tells me he's still an undergraduate,I'll tend to find that a bit creepy!
But hey,what do I know?

Why you backing the cameras boys?Thought you'd be proud!

Took me a while to write on this story.The intricacies,the emotions and the callousness of it all was almost to much for me to bear at times.
Almost too much!
So,I decided to take my time and for once truly do an in-depth research into the facts of the matter.
The whys,the whens and hows.
Hmmmmmmmmmm!
Well,that effort took a whole glorious 20 minutes!

I guess they call them researchers for a reason!

So,I,m just gonna go all out and call a spade by its family name and not an earth moving farming implement!
Social media does no good!
Its not gonna cure Malaria or HIV.
Its not gonna bring world peace.
And it sure as hell not gonna put food on your table.Except you're Mark Zucker-can't spell his name.

Hope you ladies know I'm really the one making him rich*wink wink*

 Miss Cynthia's case tore my heart out,still does.
A young lady shouldn't have to lose her life to two  horny little beasts like she did.
But tucked within  the bowels of emotions involved in this story lies a pertinent question.
At what point did it become safe to meet up with a complete Black Berry Messenger stranger in a secluded hotel room in a dodgy part of town?
I must have missed the answer on the news!
Call me a jealous,washed out old man,who wishes he could get his youth back,but too much gets shared on the world wide web(Yeah,that's what we oldies still call it!) these days.

WhatsApp!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies posting pictures with their neck almost bent backwards;cant you just take a picture standing straight,for Pete's sake.
Guys updating statuses like "Guess what I had for lunch?"
I'm like............I'm guessing nothing!.Cos that's the way you look,brah!
Social media might have its pluses.
I remember the first time I logged unto facebook,I was blown away!
Seeing the then pretty young girls I went to high school with(who never knew I existed),all looking fat,stressed and ugly was joy become solid.
Chatting up with old friends,making contacts,networking.It was good for a while.
But its all gone sideways now;like Gala,that used to be good too!
The best fun to be had on social media is with friends.Known friends.
But if life and events throws up a particularly intriguing character who you deem fit to accept as a friend,always think with your head,not your heart and most definitely not your jolly machines!
P.S:apparently,i still did not say much on the case.Who am I to judge anyone?Lets live that to the Nigerian Police*ROTFLMAO*

Bolt from the blue!

It's a bird...it's a plane.....it's Facrook Lawan running from the law.............No.....it's Usain Bolt!!!

This was the race the Olympics was made for!
The estimated 11 billion pounds spent on organizing the London Olympics was all geared towards this day and this race.
Eight ridiculously fast(and ridiculously muscled,I must say) men,grinning from ear to ear,all engaging in different forms of theatrics and swagger-do as their names were announced round the stadium.
Waiting eagerly for the starting gun to go off.
The cameras slowly panned from athlete to athlete.
Somewhere in Lane 4 or thereabout was the new kid on the block,Yohann Blake,the prince,about to be king.This was the day many had predicted he was going to take centre stage.
But then,two lanes away(I'm intentionally skipping the inconsequential American athlete between them) was the King himself,looking more self assured and confident than a Nigerian politician looting the treasury!
All smiles,all confidence,all swagger.
My heart pounded with anticipation.Not because there was a Nigerian athlete in the race;I'm guessing the Nigerian participants have since escaped from the Olympics Village and crossed the border into Scotland or Ireland or whatever land that is sure better than home,never to be seen again;

You go boy!!!

 but because the whole world loves a winner and I'll be damned if ain't part of the world!
My mind quickly flashed back to last year in Daegu,South Korea,when Usain Bolt was disqualified from the finals of the 100meteres because of a false start.
Fingers crossed!
No such drama this time!
A usual slow start was followed by that incredible surge we've all grown accustomed to enjoying.
Long legs pumping ahead akwardly.
Head;big,black and balding like a Badagry cocunut,swaying in the wind.
He ran past the rest like someone had announced the race had stopped to his competitors.
This was the fastest 100metres final in Olympic history.7 of the 8 men ran under 10secs;an incredible achievement.
It was indeed a race of champions.
I breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction!
Happy,from celebrating another man's glorious moment with him;SMH.
Lightening does strike twice on one spot.
The Olympics just got it's second bolt.
P.S:If anyone sees Blessing Okagbare for me,kindly thank her for wasting 11 seconds of my life!

The whole world hates a loser.Especially one that comes last!

The Chinese are here!

This could definitely not have been the plan!
I can just imagine the founding fathers of our once great nation on their lofty chairs in heaven,hands in head,shaking in sheer horror as little dwarfish China men run around the streets of Lagos.
I doubt if there's a single Lagos resident who does not have an encounter with those slanty,beady eyed folks at least once a day.
Be they construction workers,Chinese restaurant owners,Tech company entrepreneurs,market men and women(check out the China town in Ojota,Lagos,them Chinese be selling tomato and pepper these days) or just your plain good for nothing lay-about.
There's an epidemic upon us and its made in China!
The first trickle of Chinese into Nigeria began about 10 years ago,at the tail end of the first term of  President OBJ's tenure.They were brought in to help with infrastructure development;roads,electricity,stadia,water works;not like they've done much now,have they?

Typical Nigerian Highway before the Chinese

After the Chinese.Spot the difference.The tyre looks smaller though!

And to be fair,it was not just a Nigerian idea.It was an African conception at the time.
Zambia,Uganda and Malawi all had their influx of the yellow people.
To also be fair to the Chinese community in Nigeria,they have also been a hell of a lot more docile,at least sexually,compared to their counterparts in other African countries.
The Chinese in Zambia!!!
Horny little critters!!
In less than a year of staying in Zambia,they were already fathering kids with the local women.
Chinese-Zambians!!!!!!!!!
Its not like the Zambians don't already have an ugly epidemic to contend with in the first place!
The economics of it seemed good at the time.At least our current crop of political leaders got this one right.
After spending the better part of 50 years under-educating and under-developing their own youth,they realised they had mechanical engineering graduates who couldn't spell engineering,talk more of building a bridge.
It just made absolute sense to endorse the mass importation of educated China kids to fill the technological gap.
The plan must have been to bring the workers in to serve under a Nigerian head but they forget or at least are ignorant of the fact that the China man serves nobody;a fact they would have known if only they had watched those goddamn Chinese films of the late 80's;wa sere Bruce Lee toh quality!

They have steadily grown in influence,from being the ones doing the dirt work to being fully in charge!
My first encounter with a Chinese restaurant was about 10 years ago in Benin City.It was then owned by a Nigerian who employed Chinese folks to do the cooking and menial work around the establishment.
The chef was a sly looking China man who spoke better pidgin English than i could possibly ever muster;after the meal got delayed for about 10 minutes,he came over to the table and his exact words were ''Guy,how far?Abeg no vex,the food go soon done"
That scared the shit out of me and should have been a pointer to the fact,even back then,that these Chinese were not here for jokes.
To be frank(I've never come to terms with why 'frank' was chosen,why not Steve or Charles),with the way things are being run in Africa as a whole,I wouldn't mind if we were recolonized by the Europeans or maybe even the South Africans;the white ones at least;but to be oppressed by Mr Wu Di Fuhk and his wife Mrs Wu Shi Be,its just to much for my oft stepped upon black pride.
So,as I sit in traffic,typing this post om my Ipad 3(more like a Techno 2580) while waiting for the Chinese traffic warden on Awolowo Way Ikeja to pass me.

I really don't care if you think I made this up!

 
I look up to the sky`and tell those wailing ex-presidents to weep no more for Nigeria and to respectfully relay same message via SMS to Gen Zanni Abalcha in hell!

Adam in the Garden of Edo!

First of,the name is Adam not Adams;its a first name Your Excellency!
Just had to get that off my chest!
The elections in Edo have come and gone.
After months of campaign,name smearing,threats ,counter threats and assassinations,Governor Adams(you've got to call a man whatever he calls himself)Oshiomole was returned unanimously in an embarrassingly one sided contest to the Government House Benin City.
His work and achievements spoke as loud and clear as a coherently incoherent Kris Okotie sermon.
Tales abound in the media of the wondrous things the Comrade Governor was doing the Land of the Oba.
Roads built,schools built and upgraded,hospitals renovated and equipped.The peoples money working for the people and not used for grooming moustaches.

Did this moustache not hint the Edo people?

Oshiomole is a man short in stature but extremely large of heart.
But Gov. Adam might have had his work simplified for him by the charlatans in power before him.
If all he had done in the four years of his first term was to plant one hibiscus flower at the entrance to the state,he would still have been branded a hero and overachiever by the people.
Such was the ineptitude of the Lucky Igbinedion(the previous governor)Administration!
People still say in Benin City,that if all Lucky had done in his 8 years was to come out every morning and dance for them in the village square,the effort would have been appreciated.

GO LUCKY!GO LUCKY!!GO LUCKY!!!

Instead,all they got was 8 years of stagnation,poverty and dilapidated roads.
It is on record that not one road was built in Benin City,except those leading to his and his father's of course, in those locust years.
But today is not about the past and what the locust has eaten.
Its about the present and the future.
Its about a man who has successfully combined leadership with serving.
A man who has brought back pride to a people.
When Edo State is mentioned now,the talk is more about development and less about deported  workers *wink wink*

You couldn't have been this shy on the streets of Milan!

No one man can change the system or Nigeria but Adams Oshiomole would rather be damned than not try.

Nothing is Permanent!

Nothing surprises me in Nigeria anymore.
Absolutely nothing.
Maybe,just maybe,if I see a flying goat driving a truck with blindfolds on the streets of Lagos.Then I might be surprised.
But only with blindfolds oh!
Anything less?
Nah!
Not surprising enough.

You gotta do better lad!

When the newspapers splashed the news about the Bayelsa State Government led by the Excellent Seriake Dickson;if you're gonna refer to a man as Your Excellency,you might as well call him excellent,right?;had made Madam First Lady a permanent secretary in its civil service,I took it with the proverbial pinch of salt.(I've been taking so many pinches in Nigeria of late that Dangote must be making a killing!)
I just turned the page and moved on to the frankly,rather more amusing advertisement on 'Are you a man?Can you conquer your wife in 4 rounds in a night?

Hmmmmmmmm!

'
Not even the outrage expressed by well meaning Nigerians over the Governor's decision stoked my interest.
For me,it was business as usual in the land of the mad!
But the madness took a different and honestly frightening turn when the aides and advisers to the Excellent Seriake Dickson were hell bent on justifying his action with some ludicrous statements on how her equally Excellent Madam First Lady was deserving of such title.
First of,this MADNESS HAS GOT TO STOP!
We honestly don't know if its her constitutional and hence legal right to be so honoured, and we frankly don't care.
It just does not sound right and it sure as hell ain't.
What has kept Nigeria ticking in the eyes of the outside world is their belief that some of the craziness that our leaders exhibit might just be a uniquely Nigerian way of doing things.
But this,my dear Ijaw people,is just plain 'tie him down with a chain' 'whip him till his senses return' madness!
And we don't want that now,do we?

Noah,The Ark and Lagos!

It was a slow month,that June.
Nothing exciting or remotely pulse-racingly cool happened in Nigeria.
Just your usual church bombings,multiple road accidents,thieving politicians,an hostage here,a kidnapping there.Give or take your usual Nigerian month.
What we did not bargain for though,was the rain.
Fook me,but did it rain like the tears from General Oladipo Diya's eyes when Abacha sentenced him to death back in the day.
By the way,I've been having a cat problem in my house this past weeks,dont know if its my neighbour's cats jumping over the fence to feed on my predictably rich dustbin or if it really did rain cats for once!

Dustbin wey make sense!

As usual,the rains fell and Lagos streets went to shit.Impassable waterways only meant for the Land Rover 2029 model,The Flying Rover.

I'm guessing he couldn't wait till 2029

I've never really understood the rationale behind building roads without making gutters;I've never really understood much of many other things either;but I can safely assume that our leaders must have missed the class on common sense.Why bother when you've achieved the required 75% attendance from making the classes on 'Embezzlement' and 'Acquired Idiocy'.
Admittedly though,the Babatunde 'I wish I was a doctor,that's why I like fooking them up' Fashola administration has made some improvements on that.
Roads are now been built with gutters that lead to no where.
A gutter should lead to other gutters that invariably link to a central canal or a water treatment facility.
In Lagos,the gutters lead right back on the road or on a poor house owner's property!

The poor house owner we spoke about.

I'm guessing the class must have clashed with Asiwaju's birthday.

Some things you miss,some things you dont!

And did Nepa have a blast!
It was like Christmas in June for them.
When I was younger,the lights only go off when the rain threatens to become a storm but these days,once there's a weather forecast with the possibility of rain the day before,Nepa takes the power a day before just to be safe.
And that takes me to the issue of weather forecasting;I honestly doubt if it's an actual science.I'm guessing it lies somewhere in between understanding women and mobile networks in Nigeria;YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
I believe the news channels just pick the ugliest staff member and stick him/her with the weather detail.
I'll give a couple of Faroukas for anyone to tell me what the hell "slight precipitation with some winds and the possibility of sunshine" means?

Is it gonna rain or is the Sun gonna shine Ma?

Anyways,for those living in the Aguda,Surulere,Mile2,Lekki axis,I say keep your head up,that's if the head is still above water though.One day,we'll get a leader that had nothing better to do and finally attend the class on common sense.

Fa-Crook Lawan!

When the issue of the bribe scandal involving the Nigerian House of Representatives first came to light,my initial reaction was one of genuine disinterest.I had long grouped all of them under the same umbrella;rouges!

Miss?Can you identify the man that attacked you?They all look the same Officer!

But when the name of the individual allegedly involved came to the fore,I had to pause for breath!
You mean the skinny dude that talks like he's constipated all the time?Yep!My friend said.
Apparently,we all know why he seems to sound constipated always.Must be all the bribes he has allegedly been chowing on!Greedy little imp!
But unlike other Nigerians who have been quick to judge and disparage his character;including you;yep;you;who your father was made the assistant deputy aide to the special adviser to the special adviser of someone in government and all of a sudden you and your siblings are living it up like its the year 2060!
I,good old objective me,have decided to study the situation closely a.k.a sit on the fence.

Yep!That's me.

Not your typical European or American fence meant to just demarcate your property from your neighbours and also keep his randy teenage son from devouring your innocent daughter(yeah right),but a good old-fashioned Nigerian wall that's meant to keep out everything from your neighbour's goat to pesky family members,burglars,armed robbers,assassins and the occasional crashing plane!
Claims and counterclaims have been flying about in this rapidly evolving soap opera;Mr oil magnate claims to have laid the trap,Hon. Fa-Crook says otherwise.
The Nigerian Police has obviously taken sides with the oil importer;what's that saying about 'Na where man dey work man must chop'?
His fellow House of Reps members have decided to join me on the fence and save their own necks;this fence is getting a bit crowded fellas.Hon. Tambauwal,do you mind adjusting a bit?Thank you!
And the presidency......well..........they set this whole production rolling in the first place!The public agitation for the implementation of the subsidy probe report was getting a bit discomforting for Dr Jonah and his crew and a distraction was urgently needed.
And y'all said the brother be slow!Who the tortoise now,fooooooooooools!
I'm yet to see the said video but I'm told there's a part where he had to stuff some of the dollars in his cap because his agbada pockets could no longer hold the obscene loot!
I've always wondered why Hausa folks favoured those longs caps?

Its safe to say this dude ain't going the cashless route anytime soon.

Apparently,now we allegedly know!

We Pray!

We pray to God to keep our skies safe and to guide the thoughts and hands of our pilots but we also insist that that aviation authorities do right things.Regulate airplane maintenance and more importantly,stop grandmother planes from dropping from our skies. Any well maintained old machine will definitely work.It JƱڪτ̲̅ wont work well!
We pray to God to keep our churches safe and to protect his people who have come to praise and worship him but we also insist that security agencies do the right things.Get to the bottom of these mess and stop our churches from being target practice grounds and bombing fields!
We pray to God to keep our express ways safe and not make us fodder for exploding oil tankers but we also insist that rules and laws are made to stop this commotion on our highways. Speed limits,proper training and complete stop to the use of half-wits as drivers.Watching them drive those oil carrying giants is nothing short of scary most times.The speed with which they approach potholes sometimes,you assure yourself that the plan must be to jump over it eventually!
Finally,we pray to God to provide relief and succour to families affected by the Dana aircrash;as impossible as that may seem;but we also insist that such unnecessary loss of life must never repeat itself again!

Abiola babes!

The current outcry by young people especially current students and recent graduates of the Moshood Abiola University;LWKMD,sounds like a teacher training college;against the renaming of their once great institution truly exemplifies the rot in the core values and decency of today's youth.
In as much as the new name does inspire fits of uncontrollable,panties wetting laughter especially when you recollect the so-called swag that was attached to the Unilag brand.The current protests by the students is taking the matter above and beyond the confines of decency.
M.K.O Abiola was a martyr and a man of no mean repute.

Brother done gone fucked them up!LWKMD!

Lesser men have been honoured in this country without Nepa providing uninterrupted electricity a.k.a hell freezing over!A man who sacrificed his all in defiance of military brutality and oppression deserves a bit more than such childish protests.
While trying to provide an in-depth analysis(like I give a damn!*eyes rolling*) to the reasons for the protest,I was left wondering if the protests were against the fact that GEJ did not gather all the students at the Moremi Hall car park to ask their consent,though I doubt if there'd be enough space for 10 students considering the number of Aristo cars already parked,or if they were because M.K.O was undeserving or if more importantly,the name Moshood is seen as 'local'.
Wouldn't blame them though!
Considering the fact that three-quarters of these pant sagging,blackberry clutching,indomie eaters think that the River Niger is obviously only in Niger State.Duh!!
You wouldn't expect them to recognise a national hero if one rose from the grave and bit them in the ass.
And for all the MAU-LAG bobos and babes who's parents named them Morufu and turned to Murphy on campus or the Chinyere's turned to Chinny,guessed Karma just located your snitching asses!
The name is here to stay though,so you can protest from Unilag bus-stop to Lekki Phase One,then face Ajah,if that's what floats your boat but get ready to being called GREATEST MAU-lites from today forth.

MAU-LAG's finest a.k.a Darey,Mo'cheddah and one girl like that!

As a Moshood Abiola Polythecnic already exists,I dare say you are in good company.
Moshood Abiola Polythecnic+Moshood Abiola University=Moshood Abiola Group of Schools(stolen from a friend).

Ogbono feli feli!

Money and women,the two things to devour bonds of  male friendship
                                                  -One particularly wise looking guy in a particularly dull movie I once saw.
Ever since Don Jazzy and his hyper-active sidekick D'banj a.k.a Skibanj a.k.a Capella a.k.a that skinny dude with the over-sized ego and under-sized head first came into our consciousness in 2005 with the ridiculously titled album 'No Long Thing' and the equally retardedly named single Tongolo,it was always a matter of when and not if,concerning the break up of the immensely successful duo.

2005!The hunger days.

They single handedly gave Nigeria and maybe Africa its first truly successful music clique.In Wande Coal and Dr Sid,they had able deputies,artistes with talent and panache.And in K-switch and D'prince,they had two knuckle heads,buffoons just along for the ride.But then,every successful crew needs no-hopers like that.Just ask the Black Eyed Peas!

Hmmm,Will.I.Am,Fergie,Hmmmm

When the rumors started filtering in early in the year about the impending divorce-Dbanj has repeatedly referred to their union as a marriage-most people put it down to the usual social media gossip,like the immensely popular one about Tu-face's periodic death(You guys really need to drop that one.A brother can only die so many times.Move on!)
But as one increasingly vulgar and classless e-mail after another started appearing and getting 'leaked',it was obvious that these previous love birds were about to wash their proverbial undies in public!
One party obviously feels he has the talent to break into the international market and the other party is being a bit more more cautious and ultimately,more realistic.
 You can only repeat ten words in a whole song for so long Mr D'banj!
Personally,losing sleep over the break up of two young men who have made billions of Naira over the last seven odd years at my expense is not an option.
Nah!
This has been the union of a blind man and a deaf man.
The combination of the energy- lacking Don Jazzy plus the talent-lacking D'banj was indeed a winning ticket.
Only time will tell who gets knocked down by a moving vehicle first!

But really,Fashola!(BRF)

'These doctors are greedy'.'These doctors are wicked and callous'.'Did they beg them to study medicine?'
That was the general tone of the conversation of three pot-bellied,bald headed,middle aged men on the table adjacent mine at the neighbourhood watering hole a.k.a beer parlour on a lovely evening some days back.
Apart from the obvious fact that these men ought to be in their homes attending to their wives and children,they also seemed to have an obvious disregard for the fact that their youth had passed them by a long time ago as they struggled ceaselessly to breath in their body hugging T-shirts.
The more painful fact was the sentiment being expressed against Lagos doctors by the enthralled spectating public.
Strike actions should indeed not be an option in negotiating disputes in the health sector of civilised environments.
Lives are lost,families destroyed and destinies altered.
But then,neither does this happen there!

.
It is indeed a case of 'When in Rome'.
I doubt if any doctor would sit in his home with legs crossed on his coffee table and say 'Thank God,we are on strike.That man on bed 208 with the bad breath must have died by now!'.
These people devote their entire lives,endanger their health and well being to bring health,succour and joy to the lives of millions.And they do it with a willing heart.
A strike action must have indeed been a weighty stone on the heart.
In deciding to sack the striking Lagos doctors,the Governor has shown an acute disregard for a noble breed.
An acute disregard for agreements signed.
And an acute disregard for democracy!
The issues at hand are plainly on the table for all those who choose to see without sentiment tinted spectacles.

Now that we've spent billions on that birthday,can we now please sack the doctors!

As I continued caressing my bottle of Malta Guinness while enjoying the increasingly animated conversation beside me,I noticed the shortest of the men starting to breath heavily and cough.It was obvious a piece of Nkwobi had lodged in his abnormally large throat.
I could only mutter to myself as I watched him gasp for breath,'This strike no go kill person oh!'

Wise men from the east!

In Matthew2:1-12,we were told an astonishing story of men from the east who brought gifts for the birth of the baby Jesus.
Those,ladies and gentlemen,boys and girls,criminals and politicians,were the good old days.
Or are they?The gifts seem to keep coming in amazing and comical fashion from the east,especially from Nollywood!
I have the absolute honor and pride of having been an avid follower of Nollywood in the good old days of Liz Benson,RMD,the old Olu Jacobs(not the one acting now and making a mockery of everything good and holy on God's green earth).When films like Violated and Taboo stood out and still stand out as classics.When what you needed to be on the small screen was massive talent and good looks and not massive breasts, a damn near disgusting accent(see Tontoh) and an eastern name!

We'd be better off if she just kept kept quiet in movies and let her breasts do the acting.

I have over the years tactfully avoided all things Nollywood in other to save the rest of my I.Q not yet eroded away by Nigerian politicians and the Lagos sun.
I have painfully kept quiet while seeing posters of films like 'Beyonce and Rihanna' 'Tear my Bra' 'Who park that yansh'.

I'm guessing there's a part in the movie when the heroine begs the hero to tear her bra?

When monetary considerations overtake artistic intent,you will always end up with such rubbish.
Our brothers from Iweka Road have not only demeaned the movie industry but they've spat on it.
There's a talent pool beyond your brother,cousin,nephew and their friends.
Anyways,I had since accepted that the standards in Nollywood could not possibly fall any lower until I came across the poster of 'Avatar and Ben 10'.
Right there on the steering wheel,I had a strong urge to weep.Not a gentle leaking of tears but a strong manly wail.The type not seen since Taribo West cried at the World Cup;that,ladies and gentlemen,was an ugly man!

An urgent realisation must be made that film-making is an art and not just a means to an end.
Its not like importing fake drugs or electronics.
It's not clearing and forwarding.
It's not a joke.

Okafor!This one odikwa somehow oh!

Okonjo-Wahala!

As with all things Nigerian,we have all proven to be as unreliable as a Skye bank ATM.
I remember vividly during a  a hot sunny period in February,at the height of the fuel subsidy brouhaha,when Mrs Okonjo-Iweala was the most hated figure in Nigeria.Some even went as far as circulating unprintable things about her on the internet.
But today,you would be excused to think she was the fore-runner of the second coming of Christ,a modern day John the Baptist or Joan the Baptist if you like.
I'm guessing little Miss Ngozi Okonjo back then in Ogwashi-Ukwu village,when she was walking the narrow path that led to the village stream;like millions of young Nigeriams of her generation,present generations and as will millions of young Nigerians for generations to come;did not have the slightest inkling that she would one day be vying for the position of World Bank President,the number one financial institution in the world.

Little Ngo.

Well..........................to be honest,little Ngo never walked down a village path,never had to go the stream and neither did she play half naked at the village square.Infact she probably had slaves and servants doing all that for her as a princess of Ogwaashi-Ukwu kingdom and all.

I'm guessing she never really looked like this!

Raised by well off and overly educated parents,Madam Co-ordinating Minister of the Economy's path to greatness had been set from the cradle.As it should rightly be!
Magna cum laude(with great honour) Harvard University,1977.Post graduate study Massachusetts(hope y'all can spell it now) Institute of Technology,1981,speaks volumes of not only an accomplished upbringing but a brilliant,analytical and scholarly mind.
She has indeed set a new landmark for young Nigerians and truly serves as an inspiration to millions who have over the last decade had only corrupt politicians,inept musicians and illiterate footballers to admire.

I loved Showkey Baba though.Still do.

She wont win though*straight face*.
So,we can as well get that out of the way.
I wont bore you with international conspiracy and how there's an unwritten agreement that the US candidate always gets the job.This blog is dedicated solely to all things non-educative.If you want knowledge,get your ass off twitter and go watch CNN.

Can these Nigerians just give it a rest!

 So,for the professional psychophants and praise singers out there already composing congratulatory messages in major newspapers nationwide,even if she does win,she no fit give una loan or job for World Bank oh.Dem no get branch for Bode Thomas!
But to even be considered for such a great office is indeed an honour,And a great one at that.